I step in front of the mirror. My bare feet make low tapping sounds against the linoleum, echoing in the silence that is otherwise only interrupted by my shallow breathing. Before I look at my reflection, I take a moment to collect myself. I stare down at my toes, draw my fingers through my hair for the umpteenth time.
Then, finally, I raise my gaze. The girl behind the glass is wearing girl shorts and the same dark blue top with white edges that I wore to gender swap day, although the bra is missing now. That felt like too much, when I was putting on these clothes. They still look nice on me. Even without the illusion of breasts, the clothes make me decidedly more feminine. The top emphasizes my delicate collarbone and narrow waist; the shorts emphasize my slender legs. I like how I look.
A low sigh passes my lips and my shoulders sag.
It’s the next morning. I slept only fitfully, waking again and again, each time hoping that it had been nothing but a bad dream. But morning came and Drew was still coming with me to Statehaven.
With the tip of my index finger, I trace the outline of my abs. They are only faintly visible through the fabric, just enough to be aesthetically pleasing. The other hand comes up and tucks a few strands behind my ear.
Could I get away with getting my ears pierced? Would that be the final straw that makes Drew realize?
Once I have my own place, I think I’m going to start building a stash of girl clothes, even if I will have to keep it a secret from Drew. These clothes give me comfort. Seeing myself like this gives me comfort. If I cannot transition, at least this will provide me comfort. At least I will—
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
A falling sensation overcomes me, and I sway as I turn to meet Drew’s eyes. He’s crouched outside my window, watching me with a tense gaze.
How long has he been watching? Is he going to confront me now?
The air grows heavy and hot. I struggle to breathe for a moment, but like I did yesterday, I open my mouth and expand my chest forcefully. There is no running from this, is there? If he knows, at least I won’t have to hide anymore. No matter what happens, I will be able to transition. Unless it goes so bad that I—
I force the thought aside, pushing my window open.
“What’s up?” I hear myself ask, my voice thin.
His eyes dip but snap back within milliseconds. His Adam’s apple bobs. “I wanted to talk to you about yesterday?”
“Right, uhm.” I look down at myself, my face burning. “I’ll change real quick. I’ll be with you in a second.”
Again, that intense gaze. His features don’t betray a hint of emotion. “They’re just clothes, no?”
I cock my head. My eyes narrow briefly as I consider him, but there is no tell-tale twitching in his cheeks, no frown between his eyebrows. He’s just watching.
“Right,” I say finally, climbing onto my desk and out the window.
It’s ten in the morning. The sun is up and it is promising to be a warm day. I’m not cold, even though I’m barely wearing anything. The sunlight caresses my skin like a friendly hug. It might be funny if I weren’t so preoccupied. I can’t take my eyes off Drew as we sit back against the roof. What does this mean? Him not calling me out. Actually giving me an out.
They’re just clothes.
My fingers twist around each other in my lap. My palms are already damp with sweat.
“Yesterday, when I told you I also got into Statehaven…” He adjusts himself, leaning against the roof a little further to the left. “You… didn’t seem very happy? Might just be my perception, but I thought I should talk to you about it. To, you know, make sure everything’s alright.”
My throat tightens. Yet another perfect moment to tell him. If I wanted to.
My mouth stays shut.
“So…” His eyes bore into me. “Are you?”
I blink. “Yeah, I… sorry. It just came really suddenly? I’m sure you can imagine how I’ve been imagining campus life for a long time now, and you never even mentioned joining me. And now suddenly you tell me, oh, by the way, I’m also coming.” I swallow, trying to order my thoughts. This is the moment that decides whether he believes me or not, isn’t it? “And all I could think about was that you were doing it for me?” A total lie, but I had enough time to think about it. This is the only way my reaction makes sense, besides the truth. “Like, Sinéad will be twelve hours away by car. There must have been colleges you could’ve gotten into more easily. Statehaven doesn’t even have a swimming team.”
He turns his head away. There’s a tug of guilt in my chest at the thought that I could be making him feel bad right now, but I can’t allow myself to slow down.
“So, yeah, that’s what I was thinking, that you shouldn’t have given all that up, just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I really—”
“I didn’t.”
“What?”
“I only applied to colleges you applied to.” He juts out his chin as he meets my eyes head-on. “And I knew there wasn’t really a chance I would get into any but Statehaven. Even that was a close call, obviously. But yeah, I didn’t give up any other colleges to go with you because I never planned to do anything else.”
I gape at him. “Drew, you’re such an idiot.”
I’d meant it as a joke, but it does not come out that way. The humor is missing from my voice.
Drew frowns. “I don’t think I am. I didn’t do this for you. I did it because you’re my best friend and I want to spend time with my best friend. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I am the one who does not want to go to college without any friends?” There’s a sharp edge to his voice. “And anyway, I sent out all the applications before I even knew that I would get together with Sinéad, so this has nothing to do with her.”
“Oh.” Something in my chest wobbles and collapses. I had indeed not considered that. I’d been so sure he was trying to help me. That he’d done it out of a sense of responsibility to make sure I would be fine. But this? I’m ashamed to admit that it had not crossed my mind.
Drew glares at his hand as he spreads his fingers. “Well, I guess it’s good that we talked about this.” He takes a deep breath. His features smooth over and his voice calms. “I do not pity you, okay? I admire you. You’re the most driven person I have ever known. I wish I was like that. And you’re just a great person to hang around with, so why wouldn’t I want to live in the same city as you?” He gives a low chuckle. “Without you, I honestly don’t think I’d even have a chance with finals. Probably would’ve bombed years ago.”
“You’re not stupid,” I say in a low voice.
“Don’t change the topic!” he demands. “Not before confirming that you’ve understood my point.”
I give a stiff nod. “I understand.”
His shoulders relax and he exhales a deep breath. “Finally.” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s something I am not envious about. The fact that you get these weird ideas in your head about how people perceive you or what their motivations are.”
“Yeah, one of, if not my biggest failure, that I wasn’t there then.”
I frown. “Didn’t you just say you didn’t think I needed to be protected?”
“You don’t. But you did. Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I’d been there, then.”
“No point asking such questions.” I narrow my eyes as I turn my face up, almost towards the sun. “The only way is forward.” This mentality is what always kept me going. There’s no point dwelling on circumstances you can’t change when there is still a future left to save. I keep to myself that the way I wanted was away from him.
“What did Sinéad say when you told her?”
“She was quiet at first. Seemed disappointed that I would be so far away. But then, after a little, she got really excited that visiting me would give her the perfect excuse to visit you as well, so I think now she’s fine with it.”
“That’s good.” It’s not at all. Yet another set of eyes, much more keen than Drew’s, that will watch me. “How often do you think she’ll make the trip? Or you?” His parents promised him a car once he moves out. Does that mean I’ll have weekends to myself? To go to clubs and meet people as Mia?
“No idea. Every holiday, definitely. Maybe a weekend per month as well. We’ll have to see. We’ll probably spend a whole lot of time on the phone.”
A smile creases the skin around his eyes.
“You know, I’ve been trying to get her to read her poems to me, but she almost always refuses. Occasionally she’ll read new ones to me, but never the ones that made me fall in love with her.”
Something stills within me. He never mentioned that. He’s in love with Sunshine Girl. Was he in love with Sunshine Girl before he was in love with Sinéad? It sure sounds like that.
Butterflies tumble in the wind that caresses the surface of the lake.
***
Taking a final deep breath, I open the door and step outside, schoolbag in hand. Sinéad and Drew are already in the car.
Sinéad whistles when I get into the backseat. “Looking hot, Mia!”
My face burns up as I put on my seatbelt. Once again, I’m wearing the top and shorts. Still without false breasts, still without makeup. But my hair is loose and my legs are shaved.
Yesterday’s conversation with Drew did more than to show me that he desires my company — and possibly me — more than I knew. It also showed me that, apparently, clothes are just clothes. So this is an experiment.
Today will be an especially hot day. If there is any day to wear these clothes to school, it is today, when they are the most weather-appropriate things I own.
“Why didn’t you put on makeup?” Sinéad asks as she pulls onto the street.
“Because I don’t own makeup?” I say, glancing at her face in the rear-view mirror. “And anyway. I’m not trying to look like a girl. They’re just the most weather-appropriate clothes I own. It’s gonna be hot.” Was that too much defensiveness?
Sinéad laughs and winks at me. “Oh, it already is.”
Drew turns around in his seat to give me an encouraging smile. “If I still had the clothes I wore for gender swap day, I would definitely have considered wearing them today, too.”
Sinéad raises an eyebrow, but Drew doesn’t seem to notice.