I stare at her, frozen to her bed, my hand still closed around the skirt she’d handed me earlier. Is there even a point to protesting? Didn’t it feel way too obvious from the start? Didn’t I know this was going to happen and chose to tell myself differently? How did I ever think it was a good idea to wear that outfit again?
“I am not?” I say, but it doesn’t come close to sounding convincing.
Sinéad raises an eyebrow, waiting.
“It’s just clothes,” I defend myself. “Not even a skirt. Or makeup. Or breasts! Just shorts and a top.”
“It’s so much more than just that, though.”
“How so?” I jut my chin out and lean back onto my hands, even as my heart hammers against my ribs. She’ll have to prove it to me before I admit to anything.
“You forget I know who Sunshine Girl is. You write poetry about starting over in a new place? And it gets so much more explicit, too, if you know that Sunshine Girl is AMAB.” With a few quick jerks of her thumb, she unlocks her phone and opens her browser. A few seconds later, she starts reading one of my own texts to me.
“There’s a chasm running through me
Separating me and I
And sometimes I fear
That I am stuck on the wrong side
Only able to watch this girl I long to be
From afar.”
There’s no satisfaction in her expression as she meets my eyes upon having finished the poem. There’s only a mildly concerned gentleness there, awaiting my reaction.
“That’s pretty clear, isn’t it?” she says slowly.
My shoulders slump. “So, what now?” I ask in a low voice, unable to look at her.
The rustling of clothes is followed by her sitting next to me, close, but not touching me. “That’s up to you, Mia. I didn’t do this just to confront you. You can have the clothes. And obviously, if you decide to come out at school, I will support you.”
I should feel relief, shouldn’t I? A weight should be lifting off my shoulders, but somehow, there’s not really anything. The image of her and Drew flashes in my mind, kissing on the bench by the pond.
“How long have you known?”
She gives a snort. “Weeks. Suspected since the day we went shopping, knew since I found out you were Sunshine Girl.”
Her blue eyes are piercing when I meet them. I try to look past her pupils, to catch a glimpse of her thoughts, but they are impenetrable.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask a little helplessly.
“I figured you didn’t want it known? I only confronted you now because you wore your outfit to school, so I figured you were more open to discussing it?”
It takes me a moment to realise how spot-on she is with that assumption. It took the knowledge that my peers likely wouldn’t mind, that Drew definitely wouldn’t mind, to do this. Would she have confronted me without those factors? I don’t know what would have happened and I honestly do not want to imagine.
Now? I’m a little tense, but my heartbeat is already calming down. I’m not really surprised if I’m honest with myself. I would have guessed that this moment would be more emotional, but instead it’s… calm. Serene. Honest. Intimate in a profoundly mundane way.
“I… guess?” This chapter was copied from g.com without permission.
“So… does anybody else know about this? I assume it’s the reason why you don’t want Drew to find out about Sunshine Girl?”
“Yes?” My voice comes out meek.
Something shifts in her expression. The insides of her eyebrows rise just a little and her eyes widen. But then her face relaxes and she averts her gaze.
There’s a tug at the bottom of my stomach.
“But it’s not just that. It’s just… the way I wrote about him. About us. I don’t want anybody I know personally to see that, but the thought of Drew knowing it’s me?” I don’t even know how to put that feeling into words. The thought that he, the object of my affection, could be allowed such a deep window into my soul.
“Are you… afraid of the way he might react?” her voice is strained, even though she’s speaking barely louder than a whisper.
I give a slow nod. I don’t want to admit it, but it’s so obviously, painfully true. Drew is the only person who can really hurt me, if he so chooses. As I said, it’s easiest to carve up a heart you’re already inside of.
“Do you think this fear is justified?”
“I don’t know… everything I know and appreciate about him indicates that it’s not. And still, somehow I’m not sure. I don’t think he’d hate me for it, but he could still not want to be around me anymore. And if that happens… I’m not sure I could face that.”
“Is that why you reacted the way you did when he told you he also got into Statehaven?”
“He told you?”
“’Course he did. He’s my boyfriend. He was super worried that night.”
“Did he believe the excuse I came up with?”
“That you were worried he was doing it because he pitied you?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean… I think so?” She pauses. “Isn’t it true, though? At least kind of?”
With an awkward smile, I scratch at the back of my neck. “Well, sort of? But we talked it out, and I believe him that that wasn’t his reason.”
There’s a pause, filled only by the rustling of fabric as Sinéad lies back on her bed. I mirror her, flopping onto the blanket, bouncing a little.
“Are you still scared of telling Drew you’re trans? I mean, telling him about Sunshine Girl, I get, but he seemed pretty tolerant, didn’t he?”
“Yes, but—”
“And anyway, if he’s gonna go to Statehaven as well, you’re gonna have to tell him sooner or later, won’t you?”
“Well, I’d sort of—”
“No way!” There’s a sudden shift in the bed underneath me as Sinéad raises her head abruptly to stare at me, bewildered. “There is no way you were going to delay your transition because Drew might notice?”
My face is impossibly hot. Hearing her say it like that makes it sound so unbelievably stupid. “Actually, I was planning to switch to some Ivy League college after a semester to get away.”
She pauses again, hurt seeping into her expression. “You weren’t going to keep in contact, weren’t you? If I hadn’t confronted you about it, if Drew wasn’t going to go with you, would we ever have heard from you again?”
“Yes, it is that simple. Yes or no? Would we have heard from you again?”
I exhale as my shoulders sag. “No.”
Sinéad drops back onto the bed. “You are so unbelievably stupid, Mia.”
I stay silent. There’s not really anything I can say to that. I know why I think the way I do, but I also know where she is coming from. I can feel the frustration and hurt she must be experiencing right now.
It takes her a long moment before she continues speaking. I think she was waiting for me to reply, but at some point she must realise I’m not going to, so she says, “Now that you know that I know, and I’m not being a bitch about it, will you keep in contact?”
I’ll have to, won’t I, considering that she will still be Drew’s girlfriend. But more to the point, I realize that I want to, anyway. I didn’t really want to before, but I want to break contact much less now. Sinéad is nice. She’s fun. She’s passionate in a way that makes you passionate, even if you hadn’t really cared before.
“I didn’t think it would be much of a loss for you,” I say in a voice that’s barely more than a whisper. It’s not a justification, but a feeble attempt at an explanation. To help her understand why I acted the way I did.
“I came up with the plan when my only friend was Drew and I thought he had many just as good friends. When he told me I should try to make friends, I always assumed it was just for a few weeks anyway, and that I would never talk to any of you again. Made it easier, if that makes sense. It’s a plan I’d been set on for years.”
Her fist bumps lightly into my shoulder. “You’re forgiven. Unless you try to pull that shit still, then I’ll forever be mad at you.”
“Yeah, no. I don’t think I will.”
“Right!” She sits up. “Enough of that!”
I raise an eyebrow at her excited grin.
“What?”
“Oh, I was thinking… maybe you’d want to put a dress on? Now that I know that you’re trans and neither of my parents are coming home for another few hours?”
“I mean… sure?”
“And then I could do your hair? I was thinking something really fancy with a lot of braiding, and maybe some makeup?”
At the thought, my heartbeat quickens. “Isn’t that a lot of work?”
She gives me a stern look. “Mia, I’ve been looking forward to this moment for weeks. Unless you actually don’t want to, which, that would be fair, please let me do this? Pretty please? Like, the genderswap look was great, but I wanna put you into something hyperfeminine. I wanna see you see yourself in something hyperfeminine.”
At that, a smile tugs at my lips, and I let it spread over my face. “Okay! I would love that!”
She pulls me to my feet.
“Alright, put on this one, would you?” she says, handing me a simple, light-green halter dress with a skirt that probably only goes almost all the way to the floor.
“Isn’t this a bit plain for the style we’re going for?”
She smirks. “Don’t worry, the length of the skirt makes it fancy. You’ll look like a princess wearing a leisure gown. Of course, we can still throw the ball gown on you later, I already got mine, after all, and it should fit you… but let’s not get it all sweaty yet, this is gonna take some time.”
So I change. Fortunately, I’m already tucked, so I only have to put on the bra she handed me, and stuff it, before stepping into the dress. Sinéad comes back into the room to help me with the zipper.
Already, I have to admit that the length of the dress makes me look kind of regal. It’s really form fitting around my belly and it makes me look slender in a really flattering way. Even with my hair loose, I look really nice.
“So… seeing this,” Sinead asks, hugging me from behind and resting her chin on my shoulder as she grins at me, “what are the odds I’ll be able to convince you to come out in time for prom?”