“We’re gonna go get some Chinese food,” Drew announces as soon as the teacher has left for break. “Anybody wanna come with?” Others get up as he stands, indicating their interest. Theo, Jacy, Lindsey, Tina, Emmet…
I consider going with them. I would really like to take a break now — get outside, make the short walk through the heat and then sit in the cool restaurant, enjoy some greasy, tasty food. But my final exam is in two days. Sure, it’s only oral, but it’s also Spanish. I don’t have weak subjects, really, but Spanish is one of my… less comfortable ones? I’ve been studying for this all week, cramming vocabulary into my head at every opportunity. Today, I’m planning to add another hundred words, just for good measure. I’ve already got some good looks at the list earlier this morning, now I need to get them more deeply stuck in my brain.
“Sinéad, are you coming?” Drew asks, looking around for her as the group starts heading for the door.
Sinéad’s still sitting at her desk. She flinches when she hears her name. Her gaze is unsteady.
“Uh, no, I’m gonna study with Mia. For Spanish.”
That’s news to me. I meet her eyes, but she immediately looks away. She’s one of the few people from our homeroom that’s in my advanced Spanish class, so it’s somewhat plausible that we would study together, but we never did.
Still, I stay silent as the others leave. Only once the door has closed, Sinéad gets up and walks towards me. “You wanna go to the library?” she asks, her hands twitching.
“Uhhh, sure,” I say, eyeing her. I gather my things, then get up. She waits, bouncing on the balls of her feet. I feel eyes on my back as I follow her out into the hallway.
The corridors are still busy with students, heading for their next class. It’s not lunch break yet, though. Soon, the building will seem deserted again. We’re only free because our English teacher doesn’t see the point in forcing us to continue working after the exam, so she leaves us to use her classes to study.
“What was that about?” I ask, once I’ve made sure that nobody from our year is around.
Her right hand abruptly clenches around the strap of her bag. “What was what about?”
“You avoiding Drew?”
“I’m not—”
She shuts up at the look I give her. Her jaw moves silently, then she says, in a lower voice, “It’s… complicated.”
“Does he know that?”
“No.” I don’t hear the word over the noise of the hallway, but the movement of her lips is easy enough to decipher.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Arriving at the bottom of the stairs, I turn into the school library, holding the door open for her.
“There’s not much to talk about, is there?”
Like I would know. Is this about the Sunshine Girl thing?
We didn’t talk about it yesterday. The mood was too good to bring it down by talking about such a tense topic. I think both of us were glad to have an excuse to avoid it. But now it seems to have caught up with her again.
“Sinéad,” I whisper as we sit down at one of the desks by the window front, “I’m happy you two are together.”
“I know,” she replies, bending down to unpack her things. Her voice sounds tight.
I watch her, uncertain what I’m supposed to do now. Why does it feel like this is my fault? If I hadn’t been involved, would things have gone differently? If Drew had never thought she was Sunshine Girl, she would be happy now, wouldn’t she? They would be together and she would have nothing to feel guilty over.
“Did I ever mention that the reason why I was so eager to help you was that I thought he would be so happy with you that he wouldn’t miss me when I left?” I ask, leaning onto my elbows. “I still think you’re absolutely perfect for each other.” My innards twist. Feelings turn into thoughts, which turn into gusts of wind that send ripples through my skin.
“Thanks, Mia. That really means a lot.” But she’s already writing on her notepad, the ink forming clinically neat letters that form words, rows upon rows of them.
Remembering that I have to study, I get out my own notepad with all the notes I took yesterday and stare at them. I read the words one after the other, trying to entrench them into my mind, but my brain refuses to cooperate.
***
“I really feel like just dropping my phone here and running right into the water with my clothes still on,” Theo muses as the lake comes into sight. “My clothes would be dry before we leave.”
“Honestly, if you do that, I’m so in,” Jacy agrees.
“Anybody else?” Jacy asks, looking around.
“I’m in!” Lena says.
Others join in and people start dropping their bags. Some start stripping right then and there because they do not want to get their clothes wet. Soon enough, it seems like everybody is going to join us in running down the hill, down the pier and into the water.
I am very much planning on being among the first, if my speed allows for it. I need to get into the water. After a whole day of trying to cram Spanish words and declinations into my head, I can practically feel the smoke rising from my ears.
Next to me, Tina jumps onto Emmet’s back, laughing, locking her legs around his stomach.
“Oh, wouldn’t that be funny?” Jacy says, eyeing them.
“What?” Tina asks.
“A piggyback race to the water!”
“Oh, that would be fun!” Lindsey agrees. “Imagine not having to run all the way down there!”
Jacy smirks at her.
“I take it you’ll be carrying me, then?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Of course!” he laughs.
One by one, almost everybody around me starts pairing up. It’s exclusively girls being carried by guys. I stand a little ways off to the side, watching. Drew gives Sinéad a questioning look, but she raises her hands, palms up, laughing.
“No thanks, I think I’m just gonna run normally.” It is almost perfect, if not for the tenseness in her eyes.
That leaves Drew without somebody to carry, I notice all too keenly.
As if listening to my thoughts, Theo yells, “Mia still needs to be carried, Drew!” He’s been joining in on Sinéad’s lighthearted way of calling me Mia. It seems to be a nickname to him.
“Leave him alone, Theo,” Drew snaps, without even looking in my direction. Something twists in my stomach. My face goes hot. Why does Drew still feel the need to always stop these things?
I know he means well by it, but that doesn’t keep me from being mad at him.
“Want me to carry you, then?” Theo asks. His tone is perfectly casual, but the intensity in his eyes seems to say that he was watching me and might actually understand what I’m thinking.
“Sure,” I say, a bit more pointedly than I’d intended.
Theo crouches before me and I hop on. He gets back to his feet like I don’t weigh anything.
I meet Drew’s eyes as we get into position, but I can’t read the expression that lingers there.
My feet are locked in front of Theo’s stomach. I can feel his abs against my calves. His hands support my thighs and my forearms press against his chest to keep me securely pressed against his back. From where my face is, I can smell his shampoo and a note of sweat.
“Are you sure you’re going to be fine, jumping into the water?” Theo asks, turning his head in an attempt to look at me.
“Uh sure?” I say, realizing only after having said it what he’s talking about. “Oh yes, sure. It’s not swimming generally that makes me panic,” I explain. “It was the unexpectedness, and I’d been tense anyway. And drunk. Besides, if I don’t come up, you’ll be already in the water to save me,” I add slyly. He laughs.
The boys get into position. Theo lines up next to Jacy, and Lena grins at me. “May the better one win,” she laughs.
Meanwhile, Jacy gives Theo a smirk.
Somebody counts down from five. The boys get into position, then they take off at a sprint. I do my best to hold on tightly so that I don’t jump up and down with each of Theo’s powerful strides. Around us, there are hoots and whoops from the other girls. It’s like we’re a herd of wild horses, stampeding towards the water.
***
When I emerge after having spent the last thirty minutes in the water, still wearing my trusty shorts and top, I see Lena once again sitting off to the side. Our eyes meet immediately, and I know she’s waiting for me.
I don’t bother drying myself off. I just take my towel, spread it next to her, and lie down on top of it.
I’m not really in the mood to talk about this, but then she is once again the only person I can talk to about it. “It so does!” I huff, adjusting myself. “But I really don’t know what to do about it.”
“Well, there’s the obvious thing, isn’t there?”
“And that would be?” I consider her dubiously.
She grins. “You could just tell him. You know, give him the chance to know you before making any decisions about how to perceive you or think about you…” She trails off, leaving the air thick with implication.
My heart leaps at the thought. I’m so hopeless.
“Hey girls!” somebody yells as steps approach at a jog. It’s Sinéad, hair whipping around her face in wet strands.
“Hi!” we echo back, albeit not quite as enthusiastically. With Drew’s girlfriend here, the topic of my feelings for him is obviously off the table.
“What’re we talking about? What’s the tea?” she asks, throwing herself onto her towel next to me.
“Uhhh…” Lena starts.
“We were talking about how I totally beat her in the race earlier,” I smirk. “Because I’m simply better at boy racing.” I should be blushing furiously at the sound of those words leaving my mouth, shouldn’t I? Why am I not?
“You so did not!” Lena protests, immediately joining in. “You were barely three feet ahead of me, and anyway, you won not because you’re better, but because Theo has legs like tree trunks. Jacy’s too perfectly calibrated to his own weight.”
“But isn’t that your fault for choosing the wrong model of boy?” Sinéad asks, giggling. “Mia just did a better job at that, I would argue.”
Lena sticks out her tongue. “Well, as long as it was fun.”
“Enough fun that I’m probably gonna write a poem about it,” I say dreamily, folding my arms underneath my head.
“Oh yeah, that’ll be some poem.” Sinéad elbows me lightly, laughing. “As I ride you, your every muscle straining, we reach the point of sweet, sweet release, and waves of our joy crash over us. This is… running into the lake, or something.”
I’m howling with laughter at the first line and it only gets worse after that. By the time she finishes, I’m fighting desperately for air.
When I’ve finally caught my bearings again, wiping tears from the corners of my eyes, I say, “That’s insane. But also, I told you it’d become so much easier. Look at you improvising poetry already.”
Only then do I realize that Lena is watching us tensely. “You write poetry?” she asks cautiously, eyeing Sinéad.
Sinéad freezes and our eyes meet, then I break into another fit of laughter. “Right! I haven’t told you yet. You’re both in the know!”
“About… what?” Sinéad echoes, her expression not budging an inch.
“About the fact that I’m trans and that I write poetry about it.”
It ends up being a very long stay at the lake. I’d planned to go home early to study some more, but after having started chatting with Sinéad and Lena, lounging in the sun, I just can’t make myself. We go swimming two more times to cool off in between long sessions of baking in the sun, even swimming to the opposite shore and back once.
By the time we leave, the sun is about to set. I decide to wait by the shore for Drew to make his way back from the center of the lake as Sinéad walks ahead with the others to the cars. I force myself to look away as he emerges from the water, his toned muscles glittering in the sunlight.
I don’t speak as I wait for him to gather his things. He towels himself off only lightly, throwing a T-shirt on, then he stuffs everything into his bag and we start walking.
“You know, you really don’t have to protect me,” I say after a long while. The thought that I need to make him stop has been weighing on my mind for most of the day now, because this is the nicest thing that has ever happened to me and it’s so painfully ironic that my best friend tries to prevent it from happening.
He raises an eyebrow, brushing back his wet hair with his right hand. “Is this about the race earlier?”
I hum in reply.
“Well, I’m sorry,” he says, but he’s frowning. “But you do know that you really don’t have to let them push you around like this, right? They’re grown up enough that they’re not going to spontaneously turn back into bullies just because you tell them no. With all respect for your success in making friends but—”
“What if I enjoyed it?” I interrupt. A thousand thoughts are swarming in my mind, a thousand emotions whirling up a storm inside my chest. I hadn’t really meant to let it come to this, but now that I’m here, I’m surprisingly determined.
“What?” Drew cocks his head, giving me a confused look.
“What if I gave Sinéad permission to call me Mia for a reason? What if I want to be offered to be carried down the hill and into the water? What if I… want to be treated like a girl?”