I don’t want to let Sinéad drive me home. Even hours after the kissing game, I’m antsy about it. I avoided both her and Theo for the rest of the night, instead hanging out with Lena. But Sinéad drove me here, and she seems to expect to take me back as well.
When the party starts to disperse, Sinéad waves for me.
“Mia, you coming?”
For lack of anything to say by way of excusing myself, I nod. “Yeah, sure.”
“Great. Drew’s staying behind, he’s gonna help tidy up.”
I wonder if I could just say I want to help tidy up as well, but then I realize that that might look like I’m trying to spend time with him alone, without her there. The thought makes my stomach clench. No, I need to show her that this was a fluke, not something weird between Drew and I. I want them to be together, after all. They’re so happy together, my two best friends.
So I follow her dutifully to her car and sit in the passenger seat for the first time in a long time. I would much rather sit in the back, but oh well.
She turns on the radio at a low volume, and pop music fills the silence as she pulls onto the road. I watch her from the corner of my eye. There’s an absent, sober expression on her face. Her eyes are open, steady on the road, occasionally checking mirrors, the speedometer. The rest of her face is lax, her posture relaxed, barely moving at all.
I wonder if I should say something. Tell her that it’s because of the seven minutes in heaven that I thought I could recognize Drew’s kiss. Because somehow, I’d assumed he’d commit to the bit just as much with everybody watching. Which is stupid.
But I can’t make myself open my mouth. Not about this anyway.
“Are you coming to the lake tomorrow?” I manage to ask finally. I’ve been looking forward to it for several days now, because it’ll be my first opportunity to wear the bikini top Sinéad gave me. But now I’m not so sure anymore if I should go.
Sinéad’s head cocks as if she’d been deep in thought before. “Hm? The lake? I’m… not sure yet. Are you?”
She glances over to see my reaction, but quickly returns her gaze to the street ahead of us. The sun is already setting, the sky above us ablaze with streaks of orange and yellow light.
“I’m not sure either. Might need a day to just… rest, after the last weeks.” What I assume she picks up from the words is that I’m not just exhausted from all the studying, but also might need a break from all the social interaction. I’ve been out and about at least twice per week for six weeks now, recently much more often. With the weather being this good, there’s something going on almost every day.
“Oh yeah, I’m sure you must be exhausted, huh?”
“Surprisingly, not as much as I expected.” Right now, I’m not at all tired, weirdly. I could’ve stayed at the party for another few hours without a problem.
The car falls silent once more and I prop my elbow against the edge of the window, rest my cheek against my closed fist and look outside.
I’m really going to miss this, aren’t I? I think, only to realize a moment later that I won’t have to miss it forever. Like Amy, I’ll be able to return for the holidays. Not often, Statehaven is too far away for that, but every now and again, I’ll be able to drive these streets again, swim in the lakes, take a walk in the woods. I’ll still miss it, though.
“Are you going to prom?” Sinéad asks abruptly. “Y’know, now that you’re out…”
Right. I could wear a dress. Is that all she’s getting at? Is she trying to gauge whether I—
“Yeah, I think so. Theo asked me earlier and I said yes. Details to be determined, but you know.”
“That’s nice.” She does not seem relieved at all. “So the thing with Lena didn’t end up working out?”
“She didn’t tell you?”
“Nope.”
“Well, we figured out pretty quickly that it wasn’t going to work. I still wasn’t out, then, so I guess I could’ve asked her if she still wanted to go, but… I never really thought about it. Was that inconsiderate of me?”
“It’s your decision, Mia, it’s not that deep. You should go with whoever you want to take you.”
“Well, Theo asked me, and I liked the idea. I mean, I don’t think I have any romantic feelings for him, but… it could be a fun night anyway? He’s nice to be around.” My type, probably, if there is such a thing.
“Want my help picking out a dress?”
My stomach jumps to my throat.
“Mum might want to take me.” Not that unlikely, considering that she missed out on a whole lot of shopping together.
“Yeah, definitely. Thanks for the offer.”
Again, silence falls.
Soon after, Sinéad pulls into my street, stopping in front of my house to let me out. “Have a good night, Mia. I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah, you too.”
I feel deflated as I get out of the car and close the door behind me. With my key already in hand, I make my way through the front yard and unlock the door. Mum isn’t home right now. Probably over at Drew’s, watching a movie with Cynthia. The two are really close friends.
The house is eerily quiet. Especially in the twilight that is slowly fading into darkness, the place seems foreign. Like it’s not quite from this world.
The padding of my feet is loud against the floorboards as I make my way to the kitchen, fill a bottle with tap water, and make my way up to my room. There, I drop my bag and immediately turn back around to go into the bathroom. I really need a shower. I spent all day out in the sun, blushing and kissing people; I need to wash the dust and sweat from my skin.
With my hair still wet from the shower, already wearing my things for the night, I head out onto the porch roof. Like this, freshly cleaned, my skin slightly moist, the remaining heat from the day feels like a warm hug. Comfortable.
Leaning back against the blanket, I spread against the roof to protect my hair from the dirty shingles. I take a sip from the bottle and get out my phone. Penny texted.
The drugs are on the way. As requested, right to your doorstep. I threw enough syringes and disinfectant wipes in there as well, enough to last you for the first month of living on campus as well.
A nervous flutter runs through me. Soon, it will finally be time for the first dose. Then I’ll start becoming myself. Become the way I’m supposed to be.
Thank you. Really, I don’t know what I’d be doing without you.
Probably manage just as well, she replies with a laughing emoji. You’re freakishly resilient.
I roll my eyes. Of course, she just can’t accept a compliment.
How was the party today?
She already knows how the exam went. I had sent her a few messages earlier, as we were about to head out.
Fun. Mostly, I message back. Remember Theo? He asked me to go to prom with him.
But you were supposed to go with Drewwwwwwwwwww!
I chuckle. I never informed her that she had actually been spot-on regarding my feelings for him. It had felt weird, the thought of telling her.
Although, I will contend, the redemption arc is also pretty juicy. Any butterflies yet?
Not really? He’s nice. I like being around him and he’s good looking, so I wouldn’t actually mind if I had feelings for him. But we’re gonna move pretty far apart after school ends, sooo…
He was also the one who carried me during the infamous boy race.
Ooooh, I approve of that. Still not quite as cool as a relationship with Drew, but a girl can dream. Oh, speaking of which, we’re still gonna meet sometime this summer, right? And if we do, will you introduce me to Drew? I mean, since he’s also gonna be around then.
I’ll have to ask him. I mean, I kind of haven’t told him about you yet, but… I’m sure he’d love to get to know you.
With a sigh, I put my phone down and look up at the night sky. Immediately, the memory of the kissing game flares up. Drew’s lips on mine. The way he immediately recognized my kiss. The way I didn’t recognize his. My stomach twists.
Had I come out earlier, could things have turned out differently? Would Drew have protected me from the others, if they hadn’t had the same level of maturity then? Could we have gotten closer, or would the difference in genders have forced us apart? Could he have… developed feelings for me? If Sinéad hadn’t gotten close to him yet, if he hadn’t assumed that she was Sunshine Girl.
But no, that’s assuming that he can even have such feelings for me, a trans girl. I shouldn’t assume something like that. It could put him in an awkward position if I ever get too caught up in my own wishful thinking. Many people are not attracted to trans girls, for obvious reasons, and that isn’t necessarily a sign of transphobia. It is okay. Visit g.com for the full chapter.
Words start clustering in my mind. They form verses and stanzas, paint images. I get up into a crouch and lean through my window to fetch my bag from my desk. But then I open it and there’s no notebook inside.
I halt. Did I—
Could I have—
My heart skips a beat. Could this mean that—
I snatch my phone up, unlock it, find Theo’s contact, start typing.
Hey, are you still at the farm?
He replies almost immediately.
Heyyyy, yes, still here. We’re already done tidying up, having some last drinks.
Could you please do something for me? I think I forgot my notebook on top of the hay bale where we talked. Could you please get it for me and make sure nobody looks inside? I write pretty private stuff in there.
Right away, fair lady ;), he replies and goes offline. Barely half a minute later, the next text message appears.
Uhm, it’s not there. You sure you left it on top of the hay bale? It’s not in the grass around it, either.
Fuck. Does that mean that I lost it? No… somebody must have taken it, right?
I’ll ask the others if they’ve seen it.
Pause. I catch myself chewing my lower lip and force myself to stop. My heart is hammering against my ribs. My fingers are playing restlessly with the edge of the blanket underneath me.
Jacy says he found it. Asked Drew if it was Sinéad’s because of the poetry inside. Jacy says he reacted a little weird, but then said he’d get it back to her and took it with him when Amy picked him up earlier.
I didn’t know you write poetry as well. Is that the reason why you and Sinéad get along so well?
My head is spinning.
Something like that.
I want to write more. Explain it to him, at least a little, because I feel like I owe it to him, but right then, a familiar car comes down the street.
Amy doesn’t stop in her driveway. She stops right in front of my house, just long enough for Drew to get out, and only then continues driving to her usual parking spot.
Drew’s eyes lock on me immediately. In the light of the streetlight, I can tell that he’s frowning.
He comes up to my house at a pace you might mistake for relaxed if not for his expression. In his right hand, he’s holding my black notebook. The book that holds the last year’s worth of poems, many of which he already knows from the online blog.
I sit on the roof, awaiting him, frozen in place.
He stops just far enough away so that I can still see him, then he raises the notebook.
“Is this yours?” he asks, his voice tense.
Without thinking, I blurt, “It’s Sinéad’s.”
Drew cocks his head, the frown deepening. “I know your handwriting, Mia, what the fuck? I’ve seen you write in this book hundreds of times.”
I can’t reply. My lips are sewn shut, my throat is blocked by a thick, gooey lump.
Drew reaches up and rubs his eyes. When he lowers his hand again, there’s hurt in his expression.
“Are you Sunshine Girl?”