I don’t deserve you
The same way a flower
Does not deserve the sun.
Maybe even the way a cat
Does not deserve the hand that feeds it,
Even as it keeps scratching.
But I’m glad that you are here anyway
Keeping me warm.
Lost in thought, I flatten my hand against the page of the notebook, pen still held loosely in between my fingers, and turn my face into the sun. Around me, music and laughter ring in the air.
We’re once again gathered at the barn, but now there isn’t just a huge stack of hay to jump into, there are also hay bales. I’m sitting on one of them, using the vantage point to watch the others and the privacy to write some poems away from any prying eyes.
Today is my first afternoon of freedom. I’m already out to everybody, and now, school has ended. Earlier, I had my final exam in Spanish. I got a perfect grade, as was to be expected. The others were already waiting for me outside and when I told them the grade, they broke into roars of celebration. They lifted me above their heads and carried me outside on a sea of hands.
I guess that’s a way to make somebody feel appreciated.
Movement at the periphery of my vision catches my attention. Theo is standing at the bottom of the hay bale, shielding his eyes to look up at me.
“Hi, Theo,” I say, smiling down at him.
His grin is tense, but I suspect that’s more because of the sun than because of me. “Hi, Mia. Can I come up?”
“Be my guest. I don’t think I can help you much, though.”
With a chuckle, he reaches up to grab the edge of the hay bale, jumps, and easily hoists himself up. The thing is easily seven feet tall and he just… gets up.
“How did you get up here anyway?” he asks, eyeing me with a grin that’s much more relaxed, now that he’s no longer staring into the sun. “I mean, no offense.”
Putting a few strands of hair behind my ear, I set the notebook and the pen down next to me. “None taken. Drew and Jacy deposited me up here when I asked.” The memory of how they took me by the knees and sat me down on the edge of the hay bale makes me laugh once more. I’m crazy ticklish at the knees.
He scratches his calves, looking around. Somebody brought an inflatable pool and sat it up not far from us. There must be like fifteen people in the water; it’s getting a little packed in there. The pool will probably stay up for the rest of the summer.
“I know I already said it, but not one to one, so… congratulations on the perfect score.”
“Thank you.” Is it appropriate to ask what score he got? Is it expected or impolite?
“Congratulations on… making it out of school. Sorry, is that weird? I don’t know your grades and I’m not sure if it’s polite to ask.”
He laughs. “Don’t worry. My grades are definitely not as good as yours, but not bad either. They’re… good, I guess.”
“Congrats! Did you get into the college you wanted to get into?”
He gives a sharp nod, making a popping sound with his lips. “Yup.”
“That’s amazing!”
Somehow, I can’t help the impression that he’s distracted. He’s not meeting my eyes, constantly looking towards the tree line beyond the barn.
Abruptly, he turns his head. Meets my eyes.
“So, uhm, I hope this is not too direct, but I was wondering if you would… like to go to prom with me?” He licks his lips. “Obviously, I’m under no illusions regarding a possible future. I know we’ll both move away and be far apart, so I don’t think it’s likely we’ll become a couple or even properly fall in love, but… I like you, you know? And I think you’re really cute.” This chapter is updated first at novelping.com.
He cocks his head forward as if to signal the end of his little speech.
Warmth blossoms in my chest. A huge, beaming smile has my face in a vice grip.
“That’s really sweet of you, Theo.”
“Is that a no?” he asks, eager for a definitive reply.
I sit up straight. “Uhm, no. I think I would actually like to go to prom with you.” I just hadn’t ever thought about the possibility before. But Theo is nice. He’s good looking, there’s still some boyishness left in his face. I feel no love for him, but there’s definitely some level of attraction, and I imagine it could be a fun evening with him.
“Oh, really?” For some reason, he seems surprised.
“Are you surprised?” I giggle.
He blushes, shrugs. “I don’t know. I kind of figured… with our history and your… recent coming out and your past tendency to keep away from people, you might not be comfortable with the idea? Is that prejudiced?”
“I… don’t think so?” I say, giggles still bubbling past my lips. “But, just to be clear, I do not currently have any romantic feelings for you. I do, however, also think that you’re nice and cute, sooo… could be fun.”
He gives me a boyish grin. “That’s all I was hoping for.”
Sure, it’s not prom with Drew, but it’s not like that’s in the cards anyway. And at the end of things, I’m here to have fun. Finally without any inhibitions.
“Lovebirds!” somebody shouts from the pool.
I turn my head. Sinéad’s coming towards us, grinning a wide, toothy grin.
“We’re playing the kissing game now. Mind lending us your pretty faces to make out with?”
I laugh.
Theo meets my eyes and quirks an eyebrow. “You wanna join them or stay here?”
I tilt my head, my grin turning impish. “I’m down for some action, if you are as well? Unless there’s still something you want to discuss?”
“I guess we can work out the details tomorrow,” he offers. “Nobody’s buying a dress today anyway.” With a casual thrust of his feet, he catapults himself off the hay bale and lands in a casual crouch.
“You need help, m’lady?” he asks then, sauntering up to the hay bale.
“Yes, please. I would prefer not breaking my neck as I attempt to be as cool as you.” As graciously as I can manage, I scoot forward until I’m only barely still sitting on the edge.
“Oh, but I don’t come close to being as cool as you.” Theo puts his hands around my waist, and I tense my core and let him pull me off the edge. Instead of putting me down, however, he lifts me up, above his head, where I screech and laugh, hanging in the balance. When he does finally put me down, his hands linger a tad longer than strictly necessary.
The others are already waiting for us and I realize they must have seen Theo lift me up because most of them have some sort of smirk on their faces. I blush, but don’t avert my gaze from the raised eyebrows and laughing eyes. There’s nothing problematic about this, after all.
“So, the rules are as follows,” Sinéad says. “One person gets blindfolded, everybody kisses them, and they have to guess every person. You get points by how many people you get right. Whoever has the most points at the end wins.”
The crowd of the people that are playing is ten people strong, mostly my friend group with a few additions. I look at each of them, trying to imagine what kissing them would feel like.
My eyes get caught on Drew. I know what kissing him feels like, don’t I? But would he still kiss me like that, now that he’s together with Sinéad? Now that she is watching?
Lena comes up to me, waggling her eyebrows. “This is gonna be fun,” she smirks.
“Oh, yeah?” I want to reply with something witty, but my thoughts are blank. All I can think of is that Drew is going to kiss me.
I’m so hopeless.
“Alright, who’s going first?” Sinéad asks, and Drew immediately raises his hand.
Lindsey pulls out the blindfold she must have brought for this exact reason — because why else would you have a blindfold? Drew crouches to allow her easier access and she puts the blindfold on him. Then he stands up straight.
“Okay, who’s going first?” Sinéad asks. “Don’t answer out loud, obviously.”
Theo raises his hand, grinning from ear to ear as he steps forward. He puts his hands to Drew’s face, cradling it. Drew suppresses a giggle, then they both lean in for the kiss, passionately making out for what seems like half a minute but is probably closer to ten seconds.
As they stop kissing, both of them break into voiceless laughter.
“Who was that, Drew?” Sinéad asks, laughter vibrating in her voice.
“That was Theo,” Drew says, relaxing his stance.
Sinéad writes something on her phone, then the next person is up.
Lindsey gives Drew a gentle peck on the lips, Jacy tries to kiss him with tongue, which makes Drew sputter, Marco crouches a little for the kiss – Drew guesses none of them right.
Then it’s my turn. Sinéad waves me forward and I step onto the small box somebody put down in front of Drew. I put my hands on his shoulders for support, then lean in. It’s not a deep kiss, nothing spectacular, but I do linger. Touch my lips against his, breathe in his smell, kiss, then retreat.
The moment the kiss has ended, Drew says, “That was Mia.”
My heart jumps and I hesitate, uncertain whether that’s something I should be happy about. When I turn to climb off the box again, Sinéad is giving me a look I cannot place.
Once everybody has kissed Drew, Sinéad only having given him a light peck on the lips, it’s Theo’s turn next. When I come up to kiss him, I already know what I’m going to do. I do not climb the box, instead simply rising to the balls of my feet, and kiss him deeply. I close my eyes, put my arms around his neck, and press my mouth against his.
Theo’s a good kisser, I think. Not that I have all that much expertise in the field. But kissing him is nice. His lips are softer than Drew’s, his beard barely enough to scratch me. Like Drew, he also guesses that it’s me, but for him it’s not the first time he guesses me. When Sinéad kissed him, he also thought it was me.
After him it’s Lindsey’s turn, then Lena’s, then I’m up. Sinéad blindfolds me, and I wait, keenly aware of my other senses. I feel every shift in the breeze, hear the low rustling of the grass, feel every racing heartbeat in my chest.
Something touches me on the shoulder. I flinch, but then force myself to hold still. The hand holds my shoulder, another one comes to rest at the juncture of my shoulder and neck, then lips meet mine. They’re soft. No trace of stubble, and anyway, the angle screams girl. The kiss is deep. Again and again, the other person lets off to take a breath, only to keep kissing me a second later.
When she finally lets off, I have my guess ready.
“Lena?”
The low sounds of sniggers tell me that I’m probably wrong. Welp. Next.
The hand on my shoulder is bigger this time. A finger underneath my chin pushes my face up, then slightly dry lips meet me in a short but firm kiss.
“Jacy.”
No laughter this time around.
Another kiss, soft again, without stubble, light, fleeting. “Lindsey?”
A rough hand that comes to rest at the side of my neck, a thumb settling into the crevasse underneath my ear, the other hand tangles in my hair. Lips meet mine in a deep kiss as butterflies explode into a frenzy in my chest. I know this. I go along with the kisses, answering them as those familiar lips crash into mine again and again.
When he lets off, I say, my voice unsteady, “Drew.”
Not a sound from the others, not even retreating steps. Only the distant laughter and music from others from our year.
Did I do something wrong? Fuck, was I not supposed to recognize his kissing?
After that, I can barely focus. I don’t think I get any of the other kisses right. If I do, it’s only by accident. When Lindsey takes the blindfold off me, my heart is still racing. Sinéad has a weirdly faraway expression on her face as she calls the next person forth.
Drew’s grinning at me. He raises his eyebrows and puckers his lips in an air kiss. Theo is off to the side, talking to Jacy. Our eyes meet for a fraction of a second, then he looks away.
“Wanna know which you got wrong?” Lindsey asks.
I give a mute nod, watching the others.
“Okay, so the first one wasn’t Lena, it was Sinéad. Uh then you got Jacy and me right, uhm, and then when you said Drew? That was Theo.”