Niannian, Don’t Be Afraid
The Song family had five children. Song Hao had two older brothers: the eldest, Song Damao, was twelve years his senior, and the second eldest was Song Weiguo. When Jiang Xiuqin was pregnant with her third child, that year marked the “Educated Youth Going to the Countryside” movement. These were educated, literate people. For children born in the village that year, if their parents were thoughtful and wanted to join in the trend, they could ask these educated youths to name their child.
That was how Song Hao got his name.
The fourth child was a girl named Song Li Ping, and the fifth was a boy named Song Wuyi, born on May 1st, Labor Day.
Song Hao was the third child, right in the middle. With four sons and one daughter in the Song family, to be honest, their parents didn’t show any particular favoritism or extra affection toward the third child. That simply wasn’t the case.
On the contrary, based on most experiences in Dagou Village, elderly parents would eventually live with the eldest son. Especially after Song Father passed away ten years ago, the Song family hadn’t yet divided the household. The younger siblings were still small, and everything relied on Song Damao to manage the household, support their mother, and raise his younger siblings.
The second son, Song Weiguo, joined the army. After returning, he received demobilization funds, so his eldest brother and sister-in-law didn’t have to worry about him. He gave half of his demobilization funds to the family to pay off their debts.
Over the years, the eldest brother and his wife had to support their mother and younger siblings, repair the house, have children, and handle social obligations, which left them with some debt.
Song Weiguo gave half of his money to his eldest brother, saying that his brother and sister-in-law had worked hard during the years he was in the army. As for the remaining half, he agreed to live independently so his brother and sister-in-law wouldn’t have to worry about him. Since their mother wanted to live with the eldest brother, he would give twenty yuan each month to his eldest brother’s household.
Song Damao refused, insisting that as a son, it was his duty to take care of their mother and that he couldn’t possibly accept money from his brother.
Song Weiguo insisted on giving it.
In short, both brothers understood boundaries and propriety.
Nowadays, life had improved. But ten years ago, when Song Father had just passed away, the Song family’s life was truly difficult.
Song Hao was ten years old and needed to attend school, and his younger siblings would also need to go to school later.
Jiang Xiuqin could only do some fieldwork.
Song Damao had just gotten married, and the entire family relied on him farming for food and livelihood. Of course, during the busy farming seasons, Jiang Xiuqin would take the children to work in the fields. Regardless of age, everyone had to work—if they didn’t work, they wouldn’t eat.
Even so, life was tough. Later, Song Eldest Sister-in-law, Zhou Hai’e, went to work at the town’s flour mill, bagging flour. Gradually, life began to turn around—they could eat their fill, buy oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar, tea, and the like, and even have a little meat once a month.
Back then, Song Hao decided not to continue to junior high school.
It was too hard for his eldest brother and sister-in-law to support his education. He was a younger brother, not a son. His sister-in-law was pregnant, and soon his nephew or niece would be born. Money was tight.
So Song Hao told his mother: “I fail every subject in school. I’m not going anymore!”
Jiang Xiuqin knew very well that her third son wasn’t unwilling to study. Song Hao went to the Cheng family every day. That Cheng boy was so smart and did so well in school. How could Song Hao, who played with him, be stupid? But given the family’s circumstances, there was really no other choice.
So Jiang Xiuqin turned a blind eye and tacitly allowed it.
Both the palm and the back of the hand are flesh. There were still two younger children about to start elementary school, and the eldest brother’s child would soon be born. How could they let the eldest brother and his wife raise their younger siblings at the expense of their own child?
At that time, Song Hao was only thirteen or fourteen years old. At that age, if he didn’t study, even odd jobs were hard to come by—he was too young. So Song Hao “drifted” for two years, exploring the town and nearby areas, picking up scrap, running errands for others, loading and unloading carts, and doing other odd jobs.
These jobs were labor-intensive and paid little, but given Song Hao’s young age, it was already good that anyone would hire him.
Back then, all the money Song Hao earned was saved up. He couldn’t bear to spend it on food or drink for himself—half was set aside for Niannian to buy snacks, and the other half was used to help support his eldest brother and sister-in-law’s household.
Just a month ago, before the matchmaker had even left, Jiang Xiuqin, recalling the past, began pounding on her third son while crying and wiping away tears, saying, “It’s all my fault for not being capable enough and letting you down. Times were truly tough back then, making you unable to continue your studies…”
Song Hao felt a pang of discomfort in his heart and said to his mother, “What’s there to regret? I was never cut out for studying anyway. Besides, we’re not talking about studying now.”
“Right, right, let’s not talk about studying anymore. Then listen to your mother and let me find you a good wife—”
Before Jiang Xiuqin could finish her sentence, Song Hao grew anxious. Gone was the earlier “soft-hearted guilt and discomfort,” replaced by an “unyielding resolve.” He said firmly, “Mom, Sister-in-law, no matter who comes to talk today, it’s useless. Even if my eldest and second brothers break my legs, I’ll still say the same thing: I won’t go on blind dates, and I won’t get married!”
Jiang Xiuqin and Zhou Hai’e:…
“You’re trying to take your mother’s life,” Jiang Xiuqin began to cry.
Zhou Hai’e could only try to comfort her mother-in-law first, while Song Hao made a quick escape. He felt terribly upset, unable to bear seeing his mother cry or his sister-in-law caught in a difficult position—if he wanted to make his mother and sister-in-law happy, he would have to follow their wishes and marry a wife. But the thought of marrying a girl, sharing a bed with her, and living together day after day made him deeply uncomfortable.
So he could only run away.
Song Hao ran all the way to Niannian’s place in one breath and poured out his troubles like spilling beans, chattering nonstop. Finally, he gave an analogy, afraid that Niannian might think he was unfilial or didn’t understand his sister-in-law’s good intentions. He said very seriously, “I know my sister-in-law doesn’t just see me as a burden. It’s not like the old days anymore. Back then, I dropped out of school to save the family some money—that was nothing, and I was happy to do it. But now it’s about marrying a wife. How can I just listen to them?”
Cheng Jin Nian, who had been sitting on a chair doing homework, slowly turned pale.
Song Hao didn’t notice and continued talking to himself, “I don’t know why, but the thought of eating and talking with a strange girl in the future makes me unhappy.”
“If she’s not a stranger, it’ll be fine,” Cheng Jin Nian bit his lip and lowered his head. He picked up his pen as if to continue writing, but in reality, he couldn’t write a single word. His heart was in turmoil, filled with fear. Was Da Song going to get married and take a wife?
“If… if it’s someone from the village, or the neighboring village, or from town, you could get to know them, interact more, and become familiar,” Cheng Jin Nian said, his words contradicting his feelings. The more he spoke, the more his heart felt as if it were being twisted by a knife.
Song Hao immediately refuted anxiously, “Of course not,” and quickly looked over.
Cheng Jin Nian also looked up at that moment, his gaze meeting Da Song’s directly.
Song Hao was stunned for a moment. Why were Niannian’s eyes red and his face so pale? He immediately pushed thoughts of the matchmaker and marriage aside and asked with urgent concern, “It’s my fault. When I came in, I was so focused on talking that I didn’t notice your complexion. What’s wrong? Are you feeling unwell? It’s been cold lately, and you’re wearing thin clothes. Stop writing and go to bed. Do you have enough coal?”
With that, Song Hao walked over and placed his large hand on Niannian’s forehead.
Cheng Jin Nian’s heart was a mess of discomfort, and he didn’t want Da Song to touch him, turning his head away. Song Hao grew anxious and said, “Be good. Being sick is a serious matter. Don’t throw a tantrum, okay, Niannian? Let me check if you have a fever.”
“I don’t want you looking at me.” Cheng Jin Nian heard Da Song coaxing him, and an inexplicable flood of grievance welled up in his heart. With red-rimmed eyes, he stared fixedly at Da Song and said, “I have nothing to do with you.”
Song Hao was hurt by these words, but his hand stubbornly continued to feel Niannian’s forehead.
The child was speaking in anger; he wouldn’t hold it against him. His health was what mattered most.
That’s what Song Hao thought.
As soon as Cheng Jin Nian finished speaking in a fit of pique, he regretted it. When Da Song, who seemed strong but was actually gentle, touched his forehead to check his temperature, Cheng Jin Nian could no longer hold back. Tears fell from his reddened eyes. “I’m sorry, Da Song.”
“Don’t cry, don’t cry. I know you’re just a kid speaking without thinking. I’m not angry.” Song Hao comforted Niannian, wiping away his tears.
Cheng Jin Nian felt even worse. He buried his head against Da Song’s stomach, not daring to look at his expression, and mumbled, “Don’t get married. I don’t want you to get married.”
“I won’t, I already said I won’t.” Song Hao was actually pleased to hear Niannian say this. So that’s why he was throwing a tantrum and being stubborn. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he comforted the child. “Really, my own affairs are my own decision. No one else can decide for me.”
But Cheng Jin Nian didn’t feel much joy—he was relieved, yes, but there was still a sour ache in his heart. Da Song simply didn’t understand his feelings.
“Have you forgotten? We agreed that from now on, we’d be family. How could I really get angry with my own Niannian over a few words?” Song Hao soothed him gently.
Cheng Jin Nian looked up at this, frowning and muttering, “Family? Song Hao, do you really only see me as family? I’m not Liping, and I’m not Wuyi.”
Why was Niannian comparing himself to Liping and Wuyi again? Song Hao was puzzled, but seeing Niannian’s red eyes, his heart softened. He just wanted Niannian to be happy and didn’t want to argue with him. What was the point of arguing about this?
Liping and Wuyi were his biological younger sister and brother. Niannian was different.
Song Hao thought to himself, Niannian was different. But how exactly was he different? He hadn’t figured that out yet.
“Forget it, I don’t want to talk to you anymore!” Cheng Jin Nian could tell from Da Song’s expression that he still saw him as a younger brother. He got angry again but didn’t want to say anything that would hurt Da Song’s feelings. Instead, he pushed Da Song’s hand away and said, “I don’t have a fever.”
Song Hao withdrew his hand. “I know. Your temperature feels just right.”
Cheng Jin Nian buried his head in his homework, fuming. Less than a minute later, he looked up at Da Song with a fierce glare and declared righteously, “Song Hao, you promised me. You said you’d stay with me forever. You’re not allowed to be with anyone else.”
Song Hao’s mouth moved faster than his brain, and he immediately agreed, “Okay, okay, okay.”
It had always been like this. Whenever Cheng Jin Nian got angry and made a demand, Song Hao would be the first to agree, and he always followed through—without exception. But that was also because Cheng Jin Nian was well-behaved and never took advantage of Song Hao’s compliance to make unreasonable demands.
Both of them had supported and understood each other through difficult times.
Cheng Jin Nian now lowered his head and focused on his homework again, not wanting to dwell on it. Da Song was such a blockhead. If he kept overthinking things, he’d probably end up making himself furious…
After sitting down, Song Hao replayed Niannian’s earlier words in his mind. They struck him like a sudden thunderclap, making his heart pound loudly. He wanted to ask for clarification, but seeing Niannian concentrating on his homework, he decided not to disturb him and swallowed his words.
What did Niannian mean by what he just said? “Stay with me forever”—they had both said that before. Of course, family should stay together forever. But that last part, “You’re not allowed to be with anyone else”—what did that mean?
‘Don’t be nice to anyone else’ was like a fuse, igniting the missing wire in Song Hao’s brain, exploding with a crackle, clearing his muddled mind as if by magic. He thought back to his past interactions with Niannian—how were they anything like how he treated Liping or Wuyi?
Whenever he compared Niannian to his own younger siblings, he shook his head.
No, no, it wasn’t the same thing at all.
No wonder he felt unhappy and displeased whenever matchmakers came to their home to introduce potential partners to him.
No wonder—
He had been treating Niannian as his future wife!
Song Hao, oh Song Hao, you really are a beast. Aunt Hongxia asked you to take good care of Niannian, how could you have such improper thoughts? And because of one sentence from Niannian, you let your mind wander, even thinking of dragging Niannian down with you? Who are you slandering? You really aren’t human.
…
Meanwhile, at the Song household.
As soon as Song Hao left, Jiang Xiuqin began sobbing, crying about her bitter fate, her uselessness, how she had let down her eldest son and burdened her daughter-in-law, and then crying about her third son. Zhou Hai’e was beside her, comforting and consoling her mother-in-law. The matchmaker, sitting nearby, felt a bit uneasy and started a conversation, saying, “Sister-in-law, do you think what your third son just said might mean he already has someone he likes outside?”
Jiang Xiuqin and Zhou Hai’e were startled. Jiang Xiuqin stopped crying and looked at the matchmaker.
The matchmaker continued, “Think about it, your third son has been traveling a lot these past two years, seeing more of the world. He’s a young man full of vigor—how could a boy his age in the nearby villages be thinking of pushing away marriage when they all want to get married? These past two years, your family hasn’t been struggling like before, things have gotten better. Yet he says such things. I think he already has someone in his heart, he just doesn’t realize it yet.”
“You two should ask him more. I reckon the girl’s family conditions are high, and your third son doesn’t dare to aim too high.” The matchmaker chuckled cheerfully, then praised the third son for his good looks, his current capabilities, and his future potential. “…Tell the child, if he’s sincere, even if it’s someone from the nearby area or even from town, I’ll make sure to help him succeed.”
Jiang Xiuqin thought the analysis made perfect sense—she was too busy to cry anymore. In the end, she smiled and thanked the matchmaker for her kind intentions. Zhou Hai’e gave the matchmaker some peanuts and candies from their home, apologizing for making her come all this way for nothing, and warmly saw her off.
Not long after, Song Hao returned, though his face was a bit red.
Zhou Hai’e asked what had happened.
Song Hao said it was nothing and told his sister-in-law not to worry.
Jiang Xiuqin grabbed her third son’s arm, not letting him go back to his room, as she still had questions for him. Seeing his red face, she immediately asked, “Who slapped you?”
“Mom, who in our village would dare to slap our third son?” Zhou Hai’e said.
The third son was already grown up—with his build and strength, he wasn’t a child anymore. Who in the village would dare to slap him?
Jiang Xiuqin replied, “Who says no one would? As soon as he ran off, I knew he went to find Aunt Hongxia. If Cheng Jin Nian hit him, slapped his left cheek, he’d be more than willing to offer his right cheek for Cheng Jin Nian to slap.”
Zhou Hai’e laughed. Her mother-in-law was still angry and poking fun at the third son, joking that her words weren’t as effective as Cheng Jin Nian’s, and that the third son only listened to Cheng Jin Nian.
That was true—in the village, the third son was closest to Niannian.
“Mom, stop talking nonsense. Niannian would never bear to hit me.”
“Then who hit you?” Jiang Xiuqin frowned. “Did someone really hit you?”
Zhou Hai’e was also shocked. Who would dare bully their Song family child?
Seeing his mother and sister-in-law about to get angry, Song Hao quickly said, “No one did. I slapped myself.”
“Why are you slapping yourself for no reason?” Jiang Xiuqin didn’t believe him.
Song Hao: …I think I’m a beast.
Of course, he couldn’t say that. Song Hao’s mind was in turmoil, unsure how to explain it to the two of them. He could only say, “I was thinking about something wrong, so I slapped myself twice to calm down and avoid harming others.”
This sounded serious, making Jiang Xiuqin’s heart race with fear. “Third Son, you better not be messing around outside. If you take the wrong path or do something wrong, it’s all over.”
“Mom, it’s not what you think. Ah, it’s hard to explain. I’m not eating, I’m going back to sleep.” Song Hao returned to his room, tossing and turning in bed, his mind filled with thoughts of Niannian.
Just that one sentence—he analyzed it word by word, sometimes feeling sweet, sometimes feeling like a beast. But the fiery passion of his emotions couldn’t be suppressed by reason.
Song Hao abruptly sat up. By now, it was already dark outside, and the room was pitch black. He didn’t turn on the light, and in his haste, he didn’t even put on his cotton-padded jacket. He rushed out the door and headed straight for Niannian’s house.
He had to make things clear.
Even if it was just his own wishful thinking and he had misunderstood Niannian’s words, then it would truly be as his mother said—if Niannian wanted to slap him, he deserved it. He should be slapped.
But if Niannian wasn’t willing and didn’t want to be with him—
The thought of Niannian going to university in the future, possibly dating someone else, not him, being with another person, eating together, joking around, being intimate—it made Song Hao’s heart churn with jealousy. He couldn’t sit still, his forehead sweating with anger.
No, if Niannian went to university, he would follow Niannian there.
He had promised Aunt Hongxia to take good care of Niannian.
He had to watch over Niannian. He couldn’t be separated from Niannian. No one could tear them apart.
In the middle of winter, the village went to bed early. By seven or eight o’clock, the village was pitch dark. To save electricity, every household had turned off their lights, and few were still up and about. The village roads were dirt paths, muddy and hard to walk on. The north wind howled. Song Hao had rushed out in such a hurry that he hadn’t put on his cotton-padded jacket, yet he felt hotter and hotter as he walked—
His mind was racing with thoughts, making him anxious and angry.
Cheng Jin Nian wasn’t asleep either. The light in his room was on, the tungsten bulb casting a dim, warm glow. Cheng Jin Nian wasn’t reading or doing homework. He sat on his bed, lost in thought. Da Song had been acting strange today, leaving in such a hurry in the afternoon, not even staying to eat the meal he had prepared for him, rushing back home instead.
What if he regretted it and hurried back to see the matchmaker—
Cheng Jin Nian kept stabbing himself in the heart with these thoughts, though deep down, he knew Da Song wouldn’t go back on his promises. He had promised to be with him for a lifetime, to not be with anyone else.
Even if Da Song didn’t feel the same way, he wouldn’t lie to him or break his promise.
But Cheng Jin Nian was still “worried,” still “anxious.” It was his first time liking someone, and that someone was a man. In the village, the town, the city—he had never seen men liking men before. This was different from what everyone else did.
Having just turned eighteen, Cheng Jin Nian was naturally a little afraid—afraid of his and Da Song’s future, afraid they might be separated, afraid of so many uncertainties.
Then, his courtyard gate was knocked.
Thump, thump.
“Niannian, don’t be afraid. It’s me, Da Song.”
Song Hao stood in the cold wind, his gaze fixed firmly on the Cheng family’s gate.
Just like so many times before, when Cheng Jin Nian felt lonely, lost, helpless, or afraid, even before he could voice it, Song Hao would step forward and say in a firm tone: Niannian, don’t be afraid.
[Author’s Note]
Song Hao: Cheng Jin Nian is my wife [heart][heart][heart]