“Well… good work today.”
“You too.”
Eight o’clock at night. Matsuyama and I stepped out from under the noren curtains of the izakaya and began walking in opposite directions.
I didn’t want to go home. That was all I could think. With my phone still shoved in my pocket, I headed toward a bar near the station.
I took a seat at the corner of the counter and ordered a whiskey. Even before the glass arrived, the conversation from earlier was already looping in my head.
“Saeko-san was saying, ‘Hey, why don’t you come back to me?’ and…”
“…And, well, she was holding Yuno-san…”
My heart wouldn’t settle. Every time it thumped, sending blood rushing through my body, I felt something inside me being shaken. My breathing was shallow. The hand wrapped around the glass felt slightly cold.
“The woman before you, see, it seems she found someone else she liked.”
“When he came home, he happened to walk in right as the two of them were kissing.”
“At the time, he was struggling a bit with work, and maybe it was just the alcohol talking…”
The stories Yuno had told me in the past and the words Saeko had spoken, as relayed by Matsuyama, played on a loop.
—I see.
—It was Saeko.
The woman who had been with her before she lived with me.
The woman Yuno had lived with, paying for her keep with her body.
Saeko had kissed Yuno. Saeko had held her.
Images flickered in the back of my mind. No matter how hard I tried to shake them off, they kept resurfacing.
“…Ugh.”
What was this? A sensation of something black accumulating inside my chest. It wasn’t quite anger, nor was it quite sadness—just something damp and heavy. A nameless, dark emotion.
It clung to me, stretching from my chest to my throat, refusing to let go.
I checked my watch; it was eleven o’clock.
Without realizing it, I had finished three drinks. Condensation clung to the outside of the glass. I lit a cigarette, smoked it slowly to the end, and then stepped outside.
Despite it being spring, the night wind was piercingly cold.
I unlocked the auto-lock and entered the lobby. In the elevator, my face was faintly reflected in the metal door. I looked exhausted. I’d been drinking until eleven; of course, I did.
The moment I opened the door to my apartment, my eyes instinctively drifted toward the sofa.
A small head popped up.
Thump.
My heart leaped, and I reflexively looked away.
As I took off my trench coat, the sound of light, pitter-patter footsteps approached me.
“Welcome home, Oneesan.”
That sleepy, soft voice pierced my ears.
“…Why aren’t you asleep yet?”
“Mm, I was waiting. It’s been a while since I’ve had a day off from my night shift.”
I stole a quick glance from the corner of my eye. She was looking straight at me, eyes narrowed, wearing a soft, innocent smile.
—What is that?
A sharp ache throbbed deep in my chest. Don’t smile, I thought. Don’t look at me with that face. I felt an even deeper irritation at myself for thinking such things.
Dinner had been prepared on the table, carefully wrapped in plastic. When I checked my phone, there were several messages from Yuno.
<Will you be late?>
<I’ll make some food.>
<I wrapped it so it wouldn’t get cold.>
The thought of messaging her hadn’t even crossed my mind. Imagining Yuno cooking alone while waiting for me made my chest sting.
Yuno gently pinched my sleeve.
I instinctively jerked my arm away.
Yuno looked bewildered. Then, she slowly cast her eyes down. It wasn’t so much a look of being hurt as it was confusion.
“…You were late today. Overtime?”
“Drinks.”
“I see. With people from work?”
“…”
“…Women?”
“Yes, women. So what?”
I spat the words out without even meeting her eyes.
How childish. I knew that. I knew it, and yet I couldn’t stop myself. I simply couldn’t find a way to be gentle.
“Dinner… what did you eat? Was it good?”
Yuno’s voice wasn’t accusing. Not even about the fact that I hadn’t messaged her. That made it even more painful.
I remained silent and didn’t answer.
I knew I was being mean. But somewhere in my heart, I thought, you should suffer a little too. It felt unfair that I was the only one feeling this chaotic.
Even though I knew it was childish to act this way toward someone younger, it was the only thing I could do.
“…Why won’t you say anything?”
After a long silence, Yuno let the words drop softly.
“Hey. When I know you’re with someone else, my chest hurts. I wonder what this is?”
Her voice was small. She wasn’t blaming me, nor was she sulking. She was simply asking because she truly didn’t understand.
“…I don’t know about that.”
I turned my back to her and headed for the dressing area.
“Oneesan, what’s wrong? You’re acting strange.”
Yuno’s voice pierced my back.
I couldn’t say anything.
I couldn’t ask. I didn’t want to ask. I was terrified of hearing about Saeko directly from Yuno’s mouth.
Because it was Saeko.
Unlike me, she was friendly and kind to everyone, and she was beautiful and perfect at her job.
Even if they had broken up that way, Yuno must have been treated kindly by her.
There was no way I could win against someone like that. No—rather, there was no need to win.
Yuno and I weren’t lovers or anything of the sort.
From the start, I had no right to be angry.
And yet.
Why was my chest such a mess? I didn’t know where to direct this haze of frustration. That only irritated me further.
“It’s nothing.”
My voice came out lower than I intended.
I didn’t want to see Yuno’s face. I didn’t want her to see this pathetic expression of mine.
I shut myself in the bathroom and soaked in the tub for a long time, even though I didn’t need to.
Even in the hot water, Matsuyama’s voice crossed my mind.
“Saeko-san… well, she was holding Yuno-san…”
Whether I closed my eyes or stared up at the dark ceiling, those words just kept spinning around and around.
When I stepped out of the dressing area, Yuno was still on the sofa.
She had tried to stay awake, but she had reached her limit. Her head slowly nodded off, then jerked back up.
It would have been easier if she had just slept.
Sensing my presence as I looked over, Yuno opened her eyes slightly. Her large pupils looked straight at me. I felt as though she could see right through me if we locked eyes, so I quickly averted my gaze.
“Shall I make some coffee?”
“I don’t want any.”
“Want a lap pillow?”
“I said I don’t want any.”
“Then, come over here.”
“…”
I turned my face away.
Unable to move, a silence settled over the room for a while.
“Hey, Oneesan.”
Yuno’s voice was slightly lower than before.
“Why is it that since you came home today, you haven’t looked me in the eye even once?”
She wasn’t accusing. She wasn’t crying. She simply let the words fall quietly.
It felt as if I had been struck in the back of the head.
“…Sorry, but let me sleep alone tonight.”
“Oneesa—”
Rattle… SLAM!
I shut the bedroom door half-violently, cutting off Yuno as she tried to follow.
“Hey, wait… just wait a second.”
I collapsed onto the bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Yuno’s voice reached me, muffled, from the other side of the door.
My heart beat with a dull, heavy thud, echoing in my head.
I hated my own immaturity from the bottom of my soul.
But this was the only thing I could do.
A gritty emotion surged through my entire body, and it felt as if my mouth were filled with sand.