Rarely did Qin Shun sleep in so late. By the time he woke, it was already close to noon, past eleven. Lin Yansheng was in the flower room, accompanying his mother on a walk.
Qin Shun asked a servant, “What time did Teacher Lin wake up?” Everyone in the household addressed Lin Yansheng as “Teacher Lin” or “Mr. Lin.”
“As usual. Eight thirty,” the servant replied.
He went over afterward.
From a distance, he saw Lin Yansheng trimming flower branches and called out, “Uncle.”
Lin Yansheng straightened up and slowly took a couple of steps toward him. His pace carried a faint heaviness, as if burdened. “A’Shun.”
When he came close, he lowered his head. His eyelashes cast fine shadows across his pale, clean cheeks. Qin Shun found himself staring, almost entranced.
He thought: always trying to preserve his dignity in the smallest things, never showing anything on the surface… what a fool. Did anyone in this household not already know how close they were?
That was just how this “uncle” was, thin skinned, always afraid of being laughed at.
“Why didn’t you sleep a bit longer?”
“I woke up.” He said it in a tone that made it sound like the morning after a wedding night. “Are you coming with me this afternoon?”
Lin Yansheng looked up at him blankly. “Where to?”
“I’m going to visit my mother’s grave.”
Lin Yansheng froze for a moment, confusion and unease flickering across his face. His thoughts tangled instantly. “…How could I possibly have the face to go?”
“Mm.” Qin Shun reached out and brushed the corner of his clothing. His hand rested on his shoulder, then slowly slid down along his back to his waist, his fingertips idly tracing the curve of his waist and hips. “Does your waist hurt?”
Lin Yansheng caught his hand, his face flushing bright red. “It doesn’t.”
But anger flared in his chest and he demanded, “Aren’t you ashamed?”
Qin Shun merely smiled indifferently. “You weren’t married. When my mother died, she only ever regarded you as a friend. What is there to be ashamed of?”
It was the first day of the Lunar New Year. Aside from two servants from abroad, the rest, whose families were local, had been given leave to reunite with their loved ones. The vast house, because of this, felt unusually empty and quiet.
In the living room, Lin Yansheng sat alone with his mother, watching television.
The background was filled with laughter and cheerful voices.
Unable to hold it in any longer, he carefully recounted how he had come to know Qin Shun.
“It was a doomed connection.”
“I don’t believe anyone is perfect. Everyone has their own helpless circumstances.”
“In the past, when something weighed on me, I would dream. I dreamed that Shizhen wasn’t ill, that the three of us were a happy family but reality twists everything into a mess. How did things end up like this? Did the matchmaker god tie the wrong threads?”
“Who knows?” she said. “Did you love that Shizhen?”
“It’s been more than ten years,” he murmured, almost lost in a haze. “I can’t remember anymore.”
“Then do you like A’Shun?” she asked again.
Lin Yansheng thought for a long time before answering, “In the Rites of Zhou, dreams are divided into six kinds: proper dreams, nightmares, longing dreams, refined dreams, joyful dreams and emotional dreams. I have dreamed of him in every one of them.”
His mother lightly patted his hand. “Since you’ve already crossed the river, there’s no turning back. Don’t think too much about it. If someone walks with you, then walk together. If not, then walk alone. Keep your head down and move forward. Life and death, fortune and fate, leave them to heaven.”
“I can’t stand being alone,” Lin Yansheng said.
“Why do you think heaven designed humans to be social creatures?” she replied. “Now that society has progressed, people no longer have to exhaust themselves over food, clothing, shelter and travel. Once those needs are satisfied, they begin to seek companionship and with that comes trouble.”
She paused, then added, “I am lonely but he… he probably wouldn’t be. He’s young and handsome. Even without me, there would be plenty of men and women willing to fill that emptiness for him.”
She understood. “You want to leave him.”
He smiled faintly. “Mother, there’s nothing in this world that lasts forever.”
Last night had been too exhausting and he had woken early. While watching television, Lin Yansheng eventually fell asleep.
When Qin Shun returned, he saw him dozing off, leaning crookedly against a cushion, a thin blanket draped over him. Lin’s mother raised a finger to her lips, signaling him to be quiet.
Qin Shun softened his footsteps and approached.
He placed his hand gently against that slender, pale cheek. Though Lin Yansheng was deeply asleep, it was as if he knew who it was. There was no fear, no resistance. Instead, almost instinctively, he leaned into the warmth of his palm.
At the very least, in this moment, this young man loved Lin Yansheng deeply, desperately so.
She thought.
Lowering her voice, she said, “Mr. Qin, I have something I need to tell you.”
Four years later. Autumn.
Lin Yansheng returned to Rong City to arrange his mother’s funeral.
There were very few people, only himself and Qin Shun. They had also invited a Buddhist monk to chant scriptures for her passage and even the style of the tombstone and the types of wreaths had all been chosen by her while she was still alive.
The previous year, Qin Shun had sold his company, converting it into a vast sum of money, enough to squander for eight lifetimes. He had taken Lin Yansheng abroad, immigrating to the Netherlands, buying a villa. They shared a study, sitting side by side every day, each facing their own computer, absorbed in their work.
Lin Yansheng felt that it was time to say goodbye.
Qin Shun could tell. His uncle wanted to leave. The luggage had already been packed, just a small suitcase: two or three sets of clothes for different seasons, paper, pens, a passport, an ID card, a little cash and a GPS tracker that Qin Shun had secretly placed inside. It was no bigger than a fingernail. His uncle didn’t understand technology.
It would be best if it never had to be used.
He kept his eyes on him at all times.
At night, Lin Yansheng paced back and forth, as if his wandering steps were shrinking the room smaller and smaller.
Twice, he came over to ask, “Aren’t you going to sleep yet?”
Qin Shun wore a pair of rimless, thin metal framed glasses, his expression serious. “I still have work to finish.”
Trying to run away while he slept? Not a chance.
When Lin Yansheng came to ask for the third time, Qin Shun let out a faint laugh. “Uncle, why are you so restless today? Want to sleep with me?”
As expected, his uncle froze, his face flushing red. After hesitating for a moment, he actually replied, “…I do.”
This time, it was Qin Shun who was stunned, what had he just heard from his uncle’s mouth?
His body reacted before his mind did. He shut the computer and by the time he came back to himself, he had already pushed the man down onto the bed.
Lin Yansheng thought to himself: since it was the last time anyway.
He was especially compliant tonight. Positions he would normally refuse out of embarrassment, he now accepted without resistance.
Qin Shun was urgent, almost like a teenage boy in the throes of youth, as if he had taken something that heightened his need yet his touch remained meticulous, almost excessively attentive. Because of that, it didn’t really hurt.
And yet, he still cried.
As if he could already feel a piece of his heart being carved out in advance.
“Did I hurt you? Uncle. Let me see.”
“No.” He tightened his hold.
“Let me check.”
“It really doesn’t hurt. It feels… good.” It was the first time he had said such a thing.
Their eyes met at close range.
A moment later, he was pulled into a tight embrace. Their kisses deepened, growing more intense.
There was no way Qin Shun would simply fall asleep after just once. So Lin Yansheng took the initiative. The bed creaked and swayed, stopping and starting, groaning as if it might collapse at any moment.
Past three in the morning.
Exhausted, Lin Yansheng quietly got up. He could hear the steady, even breathing of the person beside him. He urged himself to leave quickly, don’t look back. If he looked again, he wouldn’t be able to go.
In the darkness, he dressed himself. Holding his suitcase, he moved softly toward the door.
Feeling his way forward, he grasped the doorknob.
With a soft click, the lock opened.
In that instant, he realized that once he stepped out, he would never be able to return in this lifetime. He would make sure Qin Shun could never find him. That burning embrace, the chaotic pounding of his heart, the overwhelming, trembling closeness of their bodies, the unconscious habit of reaching out to touch his face and hair, no one would ever do those things to him again.
A sharp pain clenched his chest, leaving him momentarily dizzy.
Click.
The wall lamp suddenly flicked on.
He started in shock.
Qin Shun stood not far away, completely unclothed.
Tears streamed down Lin Yansheng’s face. For a moment, he didn’t even know how to fabricate a lie. His lashes trembled, his cheeks burned as if with fever.
As if disappointed, Qin Shun asked, “Uncle… you still want to leave me?”
He took a deep breath, forcing himself not to break down. “This… isn’t normal.”
“Why is loving someone not normal?” Qin Shun’s eyes seemed to look straight into the deepest part of him. “Do you still hate that I love you?” Without realizing it, his eyes had reddened slightly, as if on the verge of tears yet he still smiled at him. “Did I ruin you? I’m sorry but without you… I would die. I really would.”
“No.” He hardened his heart. “You won’t die, Qin Shun. No one dies just because they lose someone.”
Qin Shun stepped closer. “Do you want to try?”
“A’Shun, don’t threaten me.”
“Threaten you?” Qin Shun said. “If I wanted to force you, I could lock you up and make sure you never took a single step outside but I didn’t do that. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you kissed me,” Qin Shun said. “That New Year, when you kissed me, I was so happy I couldn’t stop trembling. I’m such a terrible person. Back then, I thought, even if you spent your whole life unwilling, as long as you were in my hands, that would be enough. I could be satisfied but people are greedy creatures. Once I had your body, I wanted your heart too. After all these years… I still failed.”
He spread his arms, as if returning to some primal, unguarded state.
A strained, almost unhinged smile appeared on his face. “Uncle, look at me. I’m wearing nothing. Don’t I look like my true self? From beginning to end, I’ve had nothing at all. If you walk out that door right now, I won’t even have time to chase after you. You can choose for yourself whether to leave. Even like this… you still won’t have me?”
Lin Yansheng choked on his sobs. The suitcase slipped from his hand and fell to the ground. Tears poured down like rain.
Qin Shun held him, kissing his cheeks, like that boy who had once been driven away, both comforting and desperate.
“How can there be such a bad child like you in this world…” Lin Yansheng cried.
“Fine, fine. I’m the bad one,” Qin Shun admitted. “Uncle, if you keep crying, your eyes will be swollen when you wake up tomorrow.”
“I don’t care about that.”
Lin Yansheng cried so hard his body trembled. Never in his life had he cried like this, as if he were trying to pour out every grievance he had ever suffered.
It was too humiliating.
Too humiliating.
After all, society dictates that once a person becomes an adult, they must abandon this kind of childlike wailing.
Qin Shun pulled him back, settling him onto his lap.
Every now and then, he would lean in and steal a kiss in a way that was almost improper.
From the side, he reached up and gently held his uncle’s jaw, asking, “Feeling better now?”
Lin Yansheng nodded.
Qin Shun lowered his head and kissed him.
Out of habit, Lin Yansheng returned the kiss, then started crying again. “If my grandfather were still alive, he would be furious with me… a disgraceful grandson like this would drive him to death.”
Qin Shun let out a quiet sound and kissed him again.
Lin Yansheng wiped his tears in frustration. Even so, he didn’t reject the kiss.
He felt as though he had fallen beyond saving.
Qin Shun nestled against his neck. “But you still chose to love me, didn’t you?”
With tear filled eyes, Lin Yansheng said, “ but there won’t be any outcome.”
“Not necessarily.” Qin Shun sighed softly. “Uncle, the world is changing every day. The Netherlands passed a law the day before yesterday allowing same sex marriage. At the latest, by next summer, men will be able to legally hold weddings with other men there.”
Lin Yansheng’s eyes widened in disbelief as he stared at him, stunned.
Qin Shun stood up, quickly put on some clothes, then took out a small velvet box from the wardrobe. Without hesitation, he dropped to one knee in front of him. “Let’s get married, Lin Yansheng. Marry A’Shun. Promise me you won’t abandon me for the rest of your life, alright?”
Really?
Lin Yansheng’s heart seemed to stop. At a complete loss, he let out a soft, confused sound. “Mm.”
In the next second, he was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace.
So tight he could barely breathe.
Qin Shun threw himself at him. “You agreed!”
Did he really agree?
Lin Yansheng was dazed. “Even if the law takes effect, there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to get a marriage certificate next year…”
Qin Shun clasped his hand, then planted a quick kiss on his cheek. “If not next year, then the year after. If not the year after that, then the one after. It’s the new millennium, Uncle. A new era. Sooner or later, we’ll be able to walk out hand in hand.”
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Fleurveil
[Translator]
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← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · UncleChapter 2 · Ran AwayChapter 3 · TimidChapter 4 · DeceasedChapter 5 · Grow upChapter 6 · CharmChapter 7 · EndureChapter 8 · Biological FatherChapter 9 · ContestChapter 10 · MisunderstoodChapter 11 · BreakChapter 12 · ReunionChapter 13 · MeetChapter 14 · To clearChapter 15 · InstructionsChapter 16 · RegretChapter 17 · SecretChapter 18 · Subtle SophistryChapter 19 · GuestChapter 20 · KissingChapter 21 · Extra 1Chapter 22 · Extra 2Chapter 23 · Extra 3Chapter 24 · Extra 4Chapter 25 · Extra 5Chapter 26 · Extra 6Chapter 27 · Extra 7Chapter 28 · Extra 8