The day before yesterday, Lin Yansheng had confided his troubles to Luo Yaoshan.
“Why does that boy’s consent matter?”
“I treat him as my own son.”
Boss Luo sipped his tea calmly. “Don’t you praise him every day for being sensible? If he’s truly sensible, he should accept it gladly.”
But,
Sigh.
Sure enough,
After living under the same roof for so many years, Lin Yansheng could tell at a glance that Qin Shun was not happy about his good news, though there was no expression on his face.
Qin Shun turned toward the doorway, lifted his head and asked bluntly, “Are you planning to remarry?”
Too direct.
Lin Yansheng flushed red at once. “There isn’t even the first stroke of the character yet.”
“If things go smoothly, you’ll get married, right?” Qin Shun sat there motionless, like a clay figurine, analyzing it rationally. “Once I get into university, I can live in the dormitory. This room can be freed up for Auntie’s daughter.”
Lin Yansheng immediately replied, “No, no. I’ll keep a room for you.”
Qin Shun lowered his pen. “You should think realistically, Uncle. At your age, with unstable income and a dependent in tow. The only thing you can present is this two bedroom public housing flat. Otherwise, why would anyone take a fancy to you?”
Lin Yansheng’s face flushed red, then white. After a long moment he said, “Don’t call yourself a burden! I’ve told you before, no matter what, I regard you as my own.”
He did not understand why such a sincere promise failed to comfort A’Shun.
A’Shun’s expression seemed to grow even more unpleasant.
Qin Shun clenched his teeth and fell silent, lowering his head again like a dog forced to obey.
Within his line of sight, a pair of feet in worn old slippers stepped up before him. Pale and dry, with sparse, almost nonexistent hair, slender ankle bones. Beneath the thin, paper like skin on the instep, faint blue veins could be seen winding and lying dormant.
He turned his face away.
Yet the faint, distinctive scent unique to Lin Yansheng, a mingling of ink and soap, followed him, brushing against the tip of his nose.
Lin Yansheng sounded somewhat sorrowful. “A’Shun, I will never forget your mother but it’s been so many years. I’m very lonely. I need a companion too. I’m afraid of growing old alone.”
As he spoke, he placed a hand on Qin Shun’s shoulder.
Suddenly he froze.
Through the concealment of the collar, he seemed to glimpse scars across Qin Shun’s back.
“!” Lin Yansheng’s attention was instantly drawn to it. With concern, he said, “Mm? How did you get hurt here?”
His fingertips had barely brushed against the spot when Qin Shun seized his hand.
Qin Shun clasped his hand with both of his own and pressed it to his forehead. “Uncle.”
He lowered his lashes obediently. “As long as you are happy.”
Castigo corpus meum – To discipline one’s own body.
In religion, there exists such a practice.
Some ascetics most devoted to the Lord inflict pain upon themselves in order to suppress the desires of the flesh.
It was already late at night.
Qin Shun removed his clothing and drew back the curtain. Silvery moonlight, cool and pervasive, washed over his entire body.
This adult male body was no longer juvenile. His muscles seemed forged from alloyed metal, standing there naked beneath the window and across his back, crisscrossing in chaotic patterns, were mottled bloodstains, some dark, some light; some long faded, some newly added.
Before carrying out the ritual of purging sin, he murmured a eulogy in a low voice, practiced and steady.
He was very practiced.
When his mother had been bedridden with illness, there had been a period when Lin Yansheng had taken him about in frantic worship, praying haphazardly to gods from East to West.
In the city there was a church.
It was the Sheng Kung Hui Trinity Church, converted from the original Sansheng Temple, holding services twice a week, presided over by a priest and nuns.
Addicts often came and went there, bowing their heads, weeping, praying for divine redemption.
Lin Yansheng once said to him, “A’Shun, you must take this as a warning.”
He replied, “All right.”
He was an intelligent person. Of course he understood the distinctions between right and wrong in this world, the boundaries of morality and ethics.
Even now, Qin Shun could not claim to possess any profound faith in the existence of God.
It was simply that he had no other recourse.
His soul was too filthy.
That was his uncle.
A man.
A man who had almost formally become his father.
When the prayer ended,
Qin Shun grasped one end of the rope whip he had made himself, flicked it behind his back and lashed it repeatedly across his shoulders and spine, again and again and again. Each strike produced a muffled, blunt sound in the quiet night.
Red, swollen welts rose like earthworms beneath the skin. He did not need to look to know how unsightly they were.
This sort of self harming behavior had in fact been carried out in secret for three or four years already.
Fortunately, Uncle’s temperament was careless and muddled. He washed and changed his own clothes haphazardly, treated Qin Shun the same way and was never meticulous enough to notice. Qin Shun had always managed to muddle through, to conceal it.
To this day, it had never been discovered.
He did not know how many times he had struck himself.
At last, his breathing sank into a hoarse stillness.
Qin Shun’s forehead was already drenched in cold sweat. He inhaled slowly and deeply, trying to make his breathing as quiet as possible.
It itched.
The pain blurred his senses.
“Uncle.”
He heard himself murmur again, unconsciously.
Sunday.
Early in the morning, Qin Shun accompanied Lin Yansheng to the wet market to buy vegetables, meat and seafood.
Lin Yansheng had originally intended to prepare an entire table of dishes on his own.
After all, it was his own blind date meeting. He was the elder. It would not look right to rely on a child for help.
However, over these years, all the household chores had been handled by A’Shun.
Including the daily cooking.
Biologists say: what is used develops; what is unused wastes away.
That principle had been verified on Lin Yansheng to the fullest extent.
Weaving through the market stalls, Lin Yansheng’s heart brimmed with excitement.
Was he finally about to experience a second spring in life?
How he looked forward to it.
Since childhood, his luck with women had never been good.
Back when he was a student, he was skinny and short, awkward in speech. It was no wonder the girls in his class did not like him.
At that time, he had secretly developed feelings for a female classmate.
No matter how carefully a young heart tries to hide itself, it cannot conceal everything.
Once, surrounded by classmates who teased and egged them on, the girl did not say anything humiliating. She merely forced a smile, looking pained and averted her gaze, as though the mere fact of being liked by him was embarrassing enough.
From that moment on, he understood that he was not a man with charm.
It had not been easy for him to obtain a marriage at all.
The two of them returned home laden with groceries.
While waiting by the roadside for a bus, Lin Yansheng suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to buy a certain spice. Qin Shun immediately turned back to purchase it.
He returned quickly.
Lin Yansheng heard two female students nearby giggling and whispering to each other.
“Hee, so handsome.”
They were looking at his A’Shun.
A’Shun had truly grown up. Walking down the street now, he could easily draw the gaze of young girls.
Lin Yansheng smiled to himself at the thought.
He had once taken A’Shun to Old Luo’s house and introduced him to people from a film company. They had even invited him to act in a movie. Lin Yansheng had not minded either way but A’Shun himself had politely declined.
A’Shun was a well known handsome young man in the neighborhood.
Clatter and clang, he bustled about for several hours.
At last, everything was ready, awaiting only the east wind.
He and A’Shun cooked together.
A’Shun did not speak.
Bang, bang, bang, the knife rose and fell against the chopping board in steady, forceful strokes.
The old clock with its peeling paint had just struck eleven when the doorbell rang.
Lin Yansheng’s hands were occupied, so he called out, “A’Shun, go open the door.”
He heard a woman’s startled cry.
“Hello, Auntie.”
“Y.. you, uh, h.. hello…”
Lin Yansheng leaned his head out from the kitchen.
His blind date, Ms. Zhang, was staring at Qin Shun. Her eyes were filled with undisguised amazement. She smiled, her face flushed bright red.
The moment he saw that smile, Lin Yansheng felt as though he had suddenly missed a step on the stairs, his heart plunging into empty air.
He realized something.
How had he never noticed before?
The grown Qin Shun was astonishingly handsome, so much so that he did not merely attract girls his own age.
In the kitchen, the pressure cooker came to a boil, hissing loudly as steam burst forth.
A failed blind date was nothing unusual for him.
Compared with other men, he had neither money nor good looks. All he possessed was honesty and anyone could be honest, couldn’t they? It was nothing rare.
Once, a woman he had thought he got along with rather well had said to him, “…Mr. Lin, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s my fault. You’re a good person. It’s just that I don’t feel anything for you. No feeling is no feeling.”
A certain female writer once wrote:
The love a woman truly longs for is a flame that sets the soul ablaze, not lukewarm companionship.
He knew.
He understood all of it.
When a woman encounters a man who is genuinely attractive, she cannot help but blush and feel her heart race.
But, why did that person have to be A’Shun?
✦ ✧ ✦
Fleurveil
[Translator]
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← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · UncleChapter 2 · Ran AwayChapter 3 · TimidChapter 4 · DeceasedChapter 5 · Grow upChapter 6 · CharmChapter 7 · EndureChapter 8 · Biological FatherChapter 9 · ContestChapter 10 · MisunderstoodChapter 11 · BreakChapter 12 · ReunionChapter 13 · MeetChapter 14 · To clearChapter 15 · InstructionsChapter 16 · RegretChapter 17 · SecretChapter 18 · Subtle SophistryChapter 19 · GuestChapter 20 · KissingChapter 21 · Extra 1Chapter 22 · Extra 2Chapter 23 · Extra 3Chapter 24 · Extra 4Chapter 25 · Extra 5Chapter 26 · Extra 6Chapter 27 · Extra 7Chapter 28 · Extra 8