I have severely underestimated his determination.
It was going on month six of him aggressively caring for me.
Except he was a lot less aggressive about it now.
Now instead of forcing me into the bath every day and forcing me to eat, he used gentle encouragements.
Like promising lots of hugs and giving me pieces of my favorite food.
Or that after playing in the snow with the monkeys we could have a nap.
Or telling me he’d help me brush my fur out after bathing.
He took me outside often, and I watched the turning of the seasons, from late summer to fall, and now it was winter.
I could see the flakes drifting by the window.
I first saw it a few weeks ago, when all the monkeys had rushed out of the mountain to try and catch flakes on their tongues.
I’d never seen snow before.
The area I lived in my old world was just too warm for it, and what areas did get snow, it vanished quickly under the burning sun.
It was interesting.
Before the snow, during the fall, there were also creatures called butterflies that landed on the island as a part of a yearly migration.
They blanketed the trees, and all the monkeys played with them.
Wukong shifted a little beside me, still deep asleep.
Wukong eventually moved into my room, after he realized I had nightmares.
He would wake me up whenever I had one.
It helped me get more sleep, and I was no longer constantly reminded of everything I lost.
Eventually, I just decided to use his bed instead of mine.
His snoring and warmth comforted me, reminding me I wasn’t alone.
It helped prevent the nightmares altogether.
It was all little things.
But they added up.
I kept staring out the window.
It was dark outside today.
Snowing.
It would be an inside day today, the elders of the troop telling stories to the cubs, and friends gathering around food, laughing and napping together.
A slower day.
Wukong shuffled, still asleep, his arms pulling me a little closer to keep warm.
Why?
I did my best to ignore him.
Well, I had days where the warm sun managed to tempt me out of bed to play, and he didn’t have to push me to eat and drink.
Days where I could appreciate the friendly monkeys, and his jokes brought a smile to my face.
But I had more days where all I did was lie around.
Where the weight of everything crushed me and I felt like I’d never be able to rise again.
He stuck by me on those days too.
He just laid with me, and occasionally tried to give me water and food.
Today didn’t feel like either of those days.
Today, I felt caught in the middle.
I wanted to get up, to see everyone and tell some stories just like how my father used to tell me and my sister.
But the grief crushed me.
And something else too.
I was so scared.
I was starting to care.
For this world.
For this kingdom.
For him.
And that terrified me.
Wukong was waking up.
He shifted and sleepily looked at me and sighed.
“It’s going to be a bad day, isn’t it?
That’s okay.
We can just lay here for a while.” He pulled me onto his chest and started purring.
Why did I tell him I liked his purring?
Well, because I did.
Its thick rumbling vibrated throughout the room.
It was like a massage chair I could lay on.
I was liking more and more things.
“Wukong, stop.” The purring came to an end.
“Not in the mood for some purring?
What would you like then?” “Leave me alone.” I stared up into the void of the ceiling.
He sighed, one of his hands, looping some of the fur on my shoulder.
“No.
I’m not going to do that.” “I can’t do this Wukong.
It hurts too much.
I’ll just lose it all again.” He was quiet but continued playing with my fur.
It was a few minutes before he spoke again.
“I can’t even fathom what you’ve been through Yue.
Losing not just your family, but your entire world.
Everything.
But I know you can be happy.
I’ve seen it when the butterflies came through, and how you first smiled when you saw snow.
You can be happy here, despite your past.” I brought my hands up and covered my face.
My throat burned as I kept talking.
“I can’t do this Wukong.
I can’t care again.
I’ll just lose everything.
It hurts too much.” He continued petting me.
He didn’t say anything.
He just held me as the tears began slipping down my face.
“I don’t want to try.
Just let me go.
It’s too scary.” “I can’t make you want to live again Yue.
All I can do is try to make your life worth living.
All I know is I can’t let you go.
I’ll never be able to let you go.
So, I’m sorry, but no.” “What do you want from me?
I don’t have anything left to give.” I felt him shift, hugging me tight.
“Well, this right now is nice.
Just keep talking to me.
You can tell me about your home world, about the end, about your nightmares, about the snow, or anything else you want to talk about.
Just don’t shut everything out.
Don’t shut me out.” We stayed quiet for a while again.
After the death of my world, and being trapped in the in-between by Lady Ethereal, I thought I only had one option.
Then Wukong came along, and despite his mistakes and crude methods, it felt like he gave me another.
A hard choice.
The difficult one.
One where I’d struggle, and get hurt, and keep carrying the memory of what I lost, knowing I could never have it again.
But I could have new things.
Snow.
Butterflies.
Monkeys who always told me how happy they were to see me.
And Wukong.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes, looking up at the gray ceiling again.
It would still be there.
It would always be there, hanging over my head like an axe.
But I could ignore it.
Learn to live with it.
Day after day, I’ll carry the pain and suffering with me.
I made the hard decision.
“Okay Wukong.
I’ll try.” He stared at me, dumbfounded before he burst into movement.
He popped up onto the bed, sept me up under my arms and twirled me around all in one single smooth movement.
The biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face.
“You will?
That’s incredible!
We have to tell everyone!
Wait, let’s throw a party to celebrate!
I’ll get Beng and—” “Whoa!
Wukong!” I wiggled my arms a little, surprised at the sudden cold and the movement.
He snapped out of it, quickly settling me back onto the bed.
“Sorry, did I scare you?
Are you alright?” He shivered and pulled the blanket back up, around us.
I smiled despite myself, the warmth easing back in.
“I’m fine.
I just don’t want a party or anything.
Can we just stay here for a little longer?
I want to take it easy today.” He nodded, his arms circling me again.
“Of course!
Anything you want.
Do you want to listen to my purring more?” “Yeah, that sounds nice.” We laid back down, and I cuddled up to his chest as he started purring again.
Yes, this was nice.
Just me and him.
As long as I had him, I knew I’d be okay.
I didn’t get better right away.
I still had bad days.
Days when I felt too heavy to get out of bed.
But once I started putting the effort in again, the good days began to outnumber the bad.
Wukong stayed with me the whole time.
I encouraged him to start doing his own thing and visit his friends, but he still spent most days right by my side.
Winter came to an end, and spring arrived, and with it, babies.
Monkeys of all kinds had lots of children.
I frequently went out and about the island and helped heal babies that had fallen ill or were born unhealthy.
Word spread fast, and soon sick monkeys of all kinds were coming to see me.
While I had their attention, I usually gave them a basic lesson on chi manipulation.
Some even had a talent for it.
Early summer was quick to arrive too, and with it, the end of my first year on Shijie.
Wukong suggested we celebrate by throwing an enormous party, and after some consideration on my part I agreed, with a stipulation.
I wanted to be the one to plan it.
After that was a harried week and a half where I tried to organize a troop of wild monkeys into something resembling working units.
The generals, the four monkeys directly under Wukong in terms of hierarchy, helped immensely, teaching me the ropes of leadership and how to actually get the monkeys to do what I wanted and not get distracted.
But soon, the eve of the celebration was upon us.