Ye Yansheng: “We could say we share a certain destiny. Aside from that unpleasantness at the very beginning, hasn’t our time together since then been quite enjoyable? Gu Yinglian… ‘Pitying one’s own shadow.’ Is that your real name? I think you should change it—get a stage name. This one is a bit rustic. Why not call yourself Gu Qingcheng? ‘One look to topple a city’—it’s so elegant and beautiful.”
Gu Yinglian: “I’m terribly sorry for having such a rustic name. But I think it’s fine. I don’t plan on changing it.”
Ye Yansheng: “You’re a bit stubborn.”
Gu Yinglian: “Why else would my surname be Gu?”
Ye Yansheng laughed. “As expected of a songwriter. You’re quite good at wordplay.”
Gu Yinglian stopped talking, but she found herself seriously considering the name “Gu Qingcheng.” It was true—why not call herself that? It was beautiful and sophisticated. But what kind of person was worthy of such an elegant name? Was she?
Seeing Gu Yinglian fall silent, Ye Yansheng sank into her own thoughts. She was admiring her; the girl was like a wild lily blooming alone on a mountain peak—cool, clean, pure, and detached from the world. Even if no one was there to appreciate it, she would still bloom in silence, becoming a stroke of brilliance between heaven and earth.
Gu Yinglian inadvertently looked up and collided with her gaze. Her heart skipped a beat, and she hurriedly averted her eyes in a panic.
“What are you looking at?” Gu Yinglian finally asked after a long pause.
“Looking at a beauty,” Ye Yansheng smiled.
“…” Gu Yinglian didn’t know how to respond; she only felt her heart rate accelerating.
The room suddenly felt stiflingly hot, while a cool breeze began to pick up outside.
Ye Yansheng moved closer, her eyes fixed on her. Gu Yinglian instinctively tried to pull back, but Ye Yansheng caught her, pulling her waist toward herself with one hand. She reached out with the other to stroke that elegant face. Gu Yinglian’s beautiful eyes were downcast, her chest heaving as their heavy breaths mingled in the air.
Ye Yansheng tilted her chin up, forcing Gu Yinglian to look at her. The moment their eyes met, a surge of emotion exploded. Becoming impatient, Ye Yansheng pressed her lips against hers. Those soft, delicate lips were enough to make one fall in love at first sight and never forget them. Ye Yansheng held her waist tightly, no longer restraining her desire.
Gu Yinglian’s eyes were wide open, completely frozen. She didn’t dare make a sound, afraid of disturbing the moment. Her mind was a complete blank; she was dazed, unsure of what was happening, only vividly feeling a kiss from another woman. A gentle, exquisite kiss.
It wasn’t until Ye Yansheng pushed her back onto the sofa that Gu Yinglian remembered to resist. She used all her strength to push Ye Yansheng away, finally succeeding. Ye Yansheng sat to the side, touching her own lips with a triumphant smile as she watched her.
“You… you should go back!” Gu Yinglian said flusteredly while straightening her clothes.
“What are you panicking for? It’s not the first time,” Ye Yansheng teased.
“You!” Gu Yinglian looked up, but seeing the look in Ye Yansheng’s eyes, she quickly looked down again and bit her lower lip. That flushed lip made Ye Yansheng’s heart stir once more.
There was barely a meter between them—not far, yet not close. Ye Yansheng didn’t want to push her too hard, but she feared that once the filming ended, they would have no more reason to cross paths. If something didn’t happen now, how could she leave a permanent mark on this woman’s heart? Perhaps even more cruelly, the woman might just treat this as “acting” for the sake of the scene.
“Be mine,” Ye Yansheng said.
“Wh… what did you say?” Gu Yinglian looked up in shock.
“Be mine,” Ye Yansheng repeated.
“…” Gu Yinglian’s heart pounded so hard she feared it would leap out of her throat. She swallowed hard, unable to calm her agitation. Be her person? What does that even mean? Her head was spinning, incapable of logic. She had just been stimulated by the kiss, and now she was being hit by these words. She felt dizzy, not knowing where she was or what she was doing.
“You can think about it,” Ye Yansheng said, standing up. “Following me won’t be to your disadvantage.”
Gu Yinglian looked at her. She was speaking from such a high-and-mighty stance. A flash of displeasure crossed Gu Yinglian’s mind—it felt as if Ye Yansheng said this to other women all the time: Be mine, you won’t lose out. What kind of attitude was that? Was she suggesting… a “sponsorship” (sugar baby) arrangement?
Feeling insulted, Gu Yinglian’s mood soured. She said coldly, “No need.”
Ye Yansheng froze for a moment. She really was different from other women. Ye Yansheng smiled slightly: “Don’t be so quick to refuse. Think it over.” Fearing another rejection, she turned and left.
Once Ye Yansheng was gone, Gu Yinglian felt as if all her strength had been drained. She collapsed onto the sofa. Without Ye Yansheng there, she felt much more at ease. The kiss played back in her mind like a movie—every detail crystal clear. She touched her lips, feeling a sense of unreality. This wasn’t their first kiss, but it was the first time she had felt so much. She threw her arm over her eyes; if she’d known she would regret it, maybe she should have just said yes…
But Gu Yinglian was unwilling to be seen as the type of girl who clings to power and influence, or who offers herself up to be “unspoken” (exploited) by the industry. She had her pride—a haughty pride that couldn’t endure such a version of herself. So now, she loathed herself while simultaneously longing for the wonderful feeling the other woman had given her. She was in bliss and agony at once.
Knowing she’s that kind of woman—someone who wouldn’t stay faithful to one flower—why do I still want to fly into the flame like a moth? Gu Yinglian didn’t understand herself. Was the other woman’s charm simply too great? Was she, a mere mortal, powerless to resist? Did everyone who met her feel forced to love her because she was too dazzling, too charming, too worthy of love… like the sun?
Unconsciously, Gu Yinglian fell asleep on the sofa again. In her dreams, she saw Ye Yansheng’s face; it felt like she had returned, leaning down to kiss her once more. Her heart raced, and the intensity of the feeling woke her up. She opened her eyes to find the room empty. Looking out the window, the sun was shining brightly.
It was 4:00 PM.
Aside from the set and the dorm, Gu Yinglian had nowhere to go. She hadn’t been to her own home in ages, yet she didn’t miss it. She didn’t want to go back yet.
Feeling thirsty, she got up for a bottle of water. Sitting on the sofa and listening to the wind howling outside, her mind was still foggy from sleep. She sat there in a daze, sipping her water. Everything around her felt illusory.
After sitting for a while with nothing to do, she picked up her phone to browse short videos to change her mood. But in her current state, no matter how funny the video was, it felt affected and artificial. The more she watched, the more bored she became.
She checked Weibo for news. She knew she shouldn’t pay too much attention to it as it often ruined her mood, but she couldn’t help herself. The scandal between her and Ye Yansheng from a while ago had vanished. The trending topics were about things that had nothing to do with her. Other people’s pain usually had nothing to do with her, yet it annoyed her. She was afraid of bad things happening, afraid of pitying the unfortunate, and afraid of the inner guilt of being indifferent to others’ suffering. Every time she read the news, she felt apprehensive.
She sat there, bored to death.
It’s so quiet. I can’t feel any life around me. She stared out the window, and Ye Yansheng’s words “Be mine” flashed through her mind. Why hadn’t she said yes? Maybe with a single nod, she could have had happiness and fallen into the arms of the person she loved. Maybe she would have kissed her again, held her, and told her how much she liked and loved her…
But it was all over. Having missed that moment, Gu Yinglian could no longer summon the courage to throw herself into those arms.
Coming to her senses, she blamed herself for being possessed. That’s a woman. A woman. A woman just like me. How can I like a woman? She slapped her own cheeks to wake herself up.
Am I crazy? Is this society that inclusive? How do I dare think such things, let alone get entangled with her?
She went to wash her face and looked at herself in the mirror. She felt like she hadn’t been thinking clearly lately. How could she touch that bottom line? She actually thought it was beautiful and happy—but one more step would be a plunge into a bottomless abyss, ending in total destruction. This was a path of no return; she couldn’t take it. She warned herself internally.
Maybe it’s because I’ve met too few men. I’m too much of a shut-in. That’s why I have this illusion. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can get back on the right track. Wouldn’t that be better? Ye Yansheng was someone beyond her reach. If she agreed, what bright future could there be other than being a lowly secret lover? Did she want to live a life of hiding forever? To live in her shadow?
No. She was free. She didn’t want to live in anyone’s shadow. She wanted to live in the sunlight—openly, honestly, and truly.
Gu Yinglian came out of the bathroom and made a phone call.
Before long, she was dressed and ready to go out. As she left, Ye Yansheng happened to be coming out of her own room. She paused, looking at her. “Going out?”
“Yes, I have a date,” Gu Yinglian said.
“What kind of date?” Ye Yansheng smiled. “Man or woman?”
“A man,” Gu Yinglian said pointedly. She saw Ye Yansheng flinch, and catching that reaction gave her a twisted sense of satisfaction.
Ye Yansheng looked at her. “Rushing to find a man so quickly… are you stating your stance?”
Gu Yinglian smiled back. “I’ve always liked men. Isn’t it normal to look for one? I’m at the age where I should get married.”
“Married?” Ye Yansheng’s eyes locked onto hers. “You want to get married? To a man?”
Gu Yinglian looked at her. “If I don’t marry a man, should I marry a woman?”
Ye Yansheng’s expression darkened. Those thorn-filled words made her extremely unhappy.
Seeing her displeasure, Gu Yinglian was still a bit afraid of offending her. She quickly said, “I won’t talk to you anymore, I have to go or I’ll be late.”
As she tried to pass, Ye Yansheng grabbed her from behind, pulling her into an embrace. She whispered in her ear, “Xiao Lian, I truly like you…”
Gu Yinglian froze, her heart racing again. Ye Yansheng continued, “I don’t believe you don’t feel anything for me.”
Gu Yinglian could feel the other woman’s soft body pressed against her back. She had never felt so acutely that the other person was a woman. Terrified of falling under her spell again, she hurriedly turned and pushed her away. “If you want to walk this path, don’t drag me down with you. I like men!” Her voice wasn’t loud, but it was sharp enough to wound. Ye Yansheng let her go, her face pale.
She’s no different from those other women. When they need you, they say all the sweet things; when they don’t, they kick you aside and go find a man. Dammit, they all go find men!
“Go then. I won’t stop you,” Ye Yansheng said coldly, her eyes filled with frost.
Gu Yinglian felt a chill surround her. In her haste, she had said things she shouldn’t have. It was too late for apologies. She could only stiffen her body and walk away. In reality, she wasn’t meeting a man; it was just a get-together with girlfriends. She didn’t know why she said those words—why she had to provoke her! Why did she do that? If Ye Yansheng used her seniority to make her life difficult later… Gu Yinglian remembered the pressure of being picked on when they first met. She was instantly filled with regret.
I should have just rejected her politely. Why did I have to offend her!
Ye Yansheng watched her leave, then pushed her door open and went back inside, dejected. She had intended to invite Gu Yinglian to dinner. Now, all those plans were ruined. She had no appetite left.
Is it a mistake… to like a woman?