After Gu Cheng'an's associate senior professional title review entered its critical stage, the atmosphere at home clearly changed.
Mother-in-law was even more nervous than he was. Every morning, she would remind Shen Nanxing, “Cheng'an has been under a lot of pressure lately. Watch what you say and don't give him anything else to worry about.”
When Dabao wanted his father to build with him, mother-in-law would say, “Daddy has to look over his materials. Don't disturb him.”
When Xiaobao cried and wanted his father to hold him, mother-in-law would also take the child away. “Daddy is tired. Go find Mom.”
And so, Gu Cheng'an's pressure became the center of the entire family.
Shen Nanxing cooperated at first. She knew the associate senior professional title was very important to Gu Cheng'an. It affected his professional title, income, and position in the hospital department, as well as the future stability of their family. She tried not to mention the hospital reform in front of him, nor the fact that she had been subjected to a spot check, nor the head nurse's oblique reminder.
She swallowed down many words, just as she had for so many years.
Every day after Gu Cheng'an came home, the study light stayed on until late. Papers, case files, review materials, and various certificates were spread across the desk. After Shen Nanxing bathed the children and finished helping them with their homework, she quietly carried in a cup of warm milk.
“Put it here.” Gu Cheng'an did not even look up. “Thanks.”
Watching his bent-over figure, Shen Nanxing remembered the young man studying for an exam in their rented apartment back then. At that time, she would sit beside him and keep him company. Even when neither of them spoke, she felt they were moving forward together. Now she stood at the study doorway, yet felt like someone delivering water.
“Are you still missing anything for the materials?” she asked.
“I'm a little short on research points, but the director said it shouldn't be a problem.” Gu Cheng'an rubbed his brow. “The main issue is that there are a lot of competitors.”
“You've prepared very thoroughly.”
Only then did Gu Cheng'an look up at her and smile. “I hope so.”
For that moment, he was once again like the person from before, the one who would earnestly share his anxieties with her. Shen Nanxing's heart softened a little. Just as she was about to say that she had also been somewhat worried about work lately, Xiaobao suddenly began crying in the living room.
Mother-in-law called from outside, “Nanxing, Yichen is looking for you!”
She could only turn and leave.
There had been too many scenes like this. Her words were always interrupted, and her feelings were always pushed to the back. While Gu Cheng'an's review materials were perfected one item at a time, the crisis on her side was like a crack hidden beneath the floorboards—unseen by anyone, and no one was willing to lower their head to look.
On Friday evening, Gu Cheng'an's department colleagues held an impromptu dinner. They said the director wanted to encourage several people preparing for their professional evaluation. Shen Nanxing also got off work late that day, and after returning home, she still had to sit with Dabao while he practiced his dictation. Exhausted to the point of a headache, she messaged Gu Cheng'an: What time do you think you'll be home?
Half an hour later, Gu Cheng'an replied: Hard to say. The director is here.
When mother-in-law saw her frown, she immediately said, “Cheng'an is dealing with something important. A man's social obligations outside are part of his work too. Don't rush him.”
Shen Nanxing placed her phone face down on the table. “I wasn't rushing him.”
“It's written all over your face,” mother-in-law said. “He's in a critical period right now. As his wife, you should be more magnanimous.”
Shen Nanxing suddenly found the word “magnanimous” especially grating.
As if her exhaustion, anxiety, and need for someone to share the burden could all be gently pressed down by that one word. As long as Gu Cheng'an was on the rise, she was supposed to automatically make herself smaller, automatically stay quiet, and automatically bear everything.
At half past eleven that night, Gu Cheng'an returned with alcohol on his breath.
Shen Nanxing had just coaxed Xiaobao to sleep, while Dabao's corrected dictation exercises still lay spread across the table. She went to the kitchen to pour Gu Cheng'an some water. Leaning against the back of the chair with his eyes closed, he said, “The director said tonight that my chances in this professional evaluation are pretty good.”
“That's great.”
“If I get through, our income will improve a little, and the pressure on the family will ease as well.”
Shen Nanxing handed him the water.
Gu Cheng'an took it, then suddenly clasped her hand. “Nanxing, you've worked hard during this period. Hang in there a little longer.”
There it was again: hang in there a little longer.
Shen Nanxing looked at his hand. Her heart held no ripples, only an indescribable weariness.
She knew he had not meant to do it.
But many of the words that disappoint people are precisely the ones spoken without intent.