Since you already knew the answer, why did you have to ask?
Hadn’t you sought out enough bitter disappointment already?
Qi Yu looked at Chen Hexuan quietly. Though his heart was already in agony, his eyes seemed unable to shed another tear. Perhaps it was because his Senior Brother had held him too tightly just now, his movements too tender, giving him that same ridiculous illusion once again.
Why…
Why did Senior Brother always give him the illusion of being loved, just when he had finally decided to give up?
Qi Yu couldn’t understand it. He only knew that his heart had been shredded and stitched back together so many times it was riddled with holes. No matter how tough a heart was, it would eventually shatter under such constant strain.
Panic flared in Chen Hexuan’s chest. He subconsciously stepped toward Qi Yu, looking down into those emerald eyes. They had grown even dimmer; the final spark of light, the last trace of love, was fading.
Qi Yu blinked slowly and asked softly:
“Senior Brother, can you really not try… to like me?”
In Chen Hexuan’s eyes, Qi Yu at this moment was like a wounded fawn, lying dying at his feet, blinking wet eyes to beg the hunter for mercy. But how could there be such a kind hunter?
Would the hunter speak the truth? Even the most cold-hearted hunter might soften when faced with such a beautiful creature.
And so, Chen Hexuan did not speak. He only looked at Qi Yu in silence.
The hunter could only answer with stillness.
Qi Yu understood instantly. He gripped Chen Hexuan’s hem tightly, his voice fragile. He lowered his head and asked:
“Is it really impossible?”
Chen Hexuan’s heart softened, yet he still said nothing.
Qi Yu blinked again, let go of the fabric, and took a step back.
Chen Hexuan immediately grabbed his hand, saying with a hint of anger, “Can you stop thinking only of romance? Is it not enough for us just to be brothers?”
He didn’t understand why Qi Yu insisted on his love. Was their bond as fellow disciples not good enough?
It was always like this—every time he refused, Qi Yu would take it upon himself to leave and hide in a place where he couldn’t be found. Like the year he first rejected Qi Yu’s feelings; Qi Yu had avoided him for a long time, and when they met again, he acted like a stranger. Only later did Chen Hexuan learn that Qi Yu had transferred to Elder Qingyang’s sect.
Qi Yu looked at him and shook his head. He began to pry Chen Hexuan’s fingers off his hand, speaking slowly: “Senior Brother, after all these years, do you still not understand?”
“I don’t want to be your junior brother. I only want you. All of you. I want your gaze to be fixed on me and me alone.”
Chen Hexuan froze, his grip remaining firm. He still couldn’t fathom how someone could be so greedy.
Qi Yu curled his lips and said softly:
“I want to make love to you, I want to see you smile, I want to imprison you—all because I want you.”
“Senior Brother, do you still not get it… how can you be so naive?”
As Qi Yu was about to break free, Chen Hexuan gripped him even harder. This was effectively the first time Chen Hexuan had faced Qi Yu’s emotions head-on. Previously, whenever Qi Yu approached, he had either rejected him or fled.
Qi Yu was stunned. A light reignited in his eyes as he looked at Chen Hexuan expectantly. This was also the first time Chen Hexuan realized so clearly the depth of the feelings directed at him.
Facing that hopeful gaze, Chen Hexuan found himself speechless. He didn’t know how to respond, nor did he know why he refused to let go.
Qi Yu had never gazed at him so intently. He had fantasized countless times that his Senior Brother would catch him just as he was giving up. Was it finally coming true?
Chen Hexuan felt as if he had lost his voice. His mind was a mess. He didn’t know what to say or what to do; he only knew he couldn’t let go.
A long silence stretched between them.
Looking at Chen Hexuan’s still expressionless face, Qi Yu found his answer. This was the face he loved most, the person he had dreamed of countless times, yet looking at him now only brought a sense of irritation.
Qi Yu sighed. “Senior Brother, let me go.”
Chen Hexuan didn’t speak, nor did he loosen his grip.
Qi Yu looked at him, blinking slowly. “Why do you always lead me on like this?”
“Every time I’m about to give up, you do this.”
“I really, really hate you…”
Chen Hexuan felt a pang of bitterness in his heart.
Seeing his silence, Qi Yu continued, “Whether it was back at the Xingzhou Sect or later in the Demon Palace, you were always like this.”
Chen Hexuan’s throat felt raspy. “Like what?”
Hearing him speak, Qi Yu let out an involuntary laugh. “Like what? You always look at me with such an affectionate gaze, always making me think you could actually fall for me.”
Chen Hexuan frowned subconsciously. He didn’t understand what he meant by an “affectionate gaze.” To him, he looked at Qi Yu no differently than he would a stranger.
Qi Yu stared at him. “Just like now… staring at me like that…”
Chen Hexuan remained puzzled. Qi Yu knew he didn’t understand and didn’t want to explain further. Perhaps it was all just his own misunderstanding.
Meeting Chen Hexuan’s deep, dark eyes, Qi Yu reached up to gently stroke his brow. “Do you know what I like most about you?”
“What?” Chen Hexuan asked, though he thought he already knew the answer from Qi Yu’s eyes.
“I like your eyes most,” Qi Yu said tonelessly. “Every time I meet your gaze, I get excited. Especially when you look at me without any expression—that makes me even more excited.”
“Especially when you look at me… the angrier you are, the happier I feel.”
Strangely, despite being insulted, Chen Hexuan felt no discomfort. He didn’t even notice a flicker of pleasure rising within him at Qi Yu’s words.
“I’ve always had many dark thoughts about you,” Qi Yu’s hand moved to trace the socket of Chen Hexuan’s eye. “I’ve even thought about gouging your eyes out so they could only look at me.”
Chen Hexuan felt he should be angry, but he wasn’t. He only felt that Qi Yu was acting like a childish youth.
Seeing no anger on Chen Hexuan’s face, Qi Yu continued, “If no one had come to rescue you, I would have kept you in the Demon Palace forever.”
“That way, you would be the Senior Brother who belongs only to me.”
This was the first time Qi Yu had so openly bared his desires.
“I will not belong to anyone. I am myself,” Chen Hexuan said expressionlessly. “Your thoughts are impractical.”
“I know it’s impractical,” Qi Yu blinked his green eyes and tilted his head. “But whose fault is it that you’re always looking at me?”
“I was already planning to give up, yet you still grab my hand and stare at me.”
Chen Hexuan found it absurd. He was always looking at Qi Yu? It was Qi Yu who was always forcing himself into his presence; he had no choice but to look.
Qi Yu strained to pry his hand away. “Senior Brother, since you won’t admit you’re always looking at me, then let me go, okay?”
Chen Hexuan said coldly, “Admit what? It’s clearly you who is always looking at me.” He tightened his grip further.
“In those years at the Xingzhou Sect, weren’t you always staring at me? You’d watch me for so long, and the moment I looked back, you’d turn away.”
“It was the same in the Demon Palace. No matter what I did, you loved to watch me.”
Chen Hexuan stared intensely at him. Qi Yu, unable to win the physical struggle, said coldly, “I don’t want to argue pointlessly with you. Let go.”
Let you go?
Chen Hexuan licked his canine tooth, his eyes locked on Qi Yu. He never expected that the man who had once forced him into everything would one day say such a thing to him.
Let you go where?
Facing such a fierce Qi Yu for the first time, Chen Hexuan felt a strange amusement. “When I told you to let me go, did you ever let me go?”
Qi Yu glared at him, his breath hitching. “Then what do you want?”
Seeing the corners of Qi Yu’s eyes redden with anger, Chen Hexuan felt a sense of novelty. It had always been he who was angered by Qi Yu; when had he ever seen Qi Yu so “lively”?
Having known him for so many years, Chen Hexuan knew his temperament: he didn’t like to laugh, cry, or get angry. It was as if he were born without emotions. Even when mocked, he would only look dejected.
Luckily, Chen Hexuan had seen him laugh, cry, and grieve. And now, he saw him angry. It seemed that only in front of him did Qi Yu possess human emotions.
The sudden realization brought Chen Hexuan a wave of pleasure. He didn’t know what he wanted, so he didn’t answer immediately.
Qi Yu was truly furious. His eyes were rimmed with red. “Why are you doing this again? What is the point of this?” He continued to pry at Chen Hexuan’s hand, his voice trembling. “I really want to let you go. Please, let me go too.”
Qi Yu truly didn’t see the point in this entanglement anymore.
Chen Hexuan withdrew his smile and looked at him coldly. “When I asked you to let go, did you?”
“I didn’t let go because I loved you,” Qi Yu said, struggling to keep his emotions from spiraling out of control. “Why are you holding on now? Is it because you love me, too?”
Chen Hexuan’s gaze darkened instantly. He didn’t know the answer himself, so how could he tell Qi Yu?
Love… it definitely couldn’t be love. How could I ever fall for Qi Yu?
Qi Yu stared at him. Seeing no answer, he understood everything. He let out a disappointed chuckle. “Are you getting revenge on me?”
Meeting those eyes filled with indignation, Chen Hexuan spoke impulsively: “Yes. I just want to get revenge. Why should you be the only one who can force me? Why can’t I force you?”
“Chen Hexuan, this entanglement is meaningless!” In his anger, Qi Yu shouted his full name. He froze the moment he realized what he had said.
Chen Hexuan narrowed his eyes. “What did you call me?”
He had never found his own name so grating. How did Qi Yu dare?
Qi Yu looked at him. Once the seal was broken, it was hard to call him “Senior Brother” again. He pursed his lips, his face pale, and remained silent. He hadn’t expected to address him by name either.
Chen Hexuan gave a cold laugh. “Then tell me, what would make this meaningful?”
“Don’t you hate me?” Qi Yu turned his gaze away, his voice hoarse. “Taking me to Zhiling Island is the best choice…”
Chen Hexuan looked at him, fury igniting at his words. He had defied his Master’s orders and jumped ship just to keep Qi Yu alive, yet Qi Yu was still thinking of going to that island.
He asked, “You’re going to Zhiling Island… to seek death?”
Qi Yu said nothing.
Chen Hexuan lowered his voice. “Or are you so desperate to escape me that you aren’t even afraid of dying?”
Qi Yu remained silent, head bowed.
Chen Hexuan pinched his chin, pulling his face close, and threatened: “Qi Yu, don’t even think about dying. If you die, what about the things you did to me?”
“As long as I haven’t forgiven you, you are not allowed to die.”