A young Chunin entered the room behind us carrying a stack of mission scrolls. He was a generic background character, the kind with brown hair and no name, purely existing to move the plot forward. Let us call him Ninja A.
Ninja A tried to squeeze past Hinata to put the scrolls on the desk.
"Excuse me, Hyuga-san," he muttered politely.
"Oh, go ahead," Hinata said, stepping backward to give him space.
As she stepped back, her heel caught the edge of the carpet. It was a classic, cliché trip. But the System did not do simple trips.
"Warning," the System announced. "Proximity Alert. Male Target: Ninja A. Initiating Rito Effect."
Hinata stumbled backward. Her arms flailed, seeking purchase. Her hand hooked into the belt of Ninja A.
Because of the momentum, she didn't just pull his belt; she yanked him backward with her.
Ninja A let out a surprised yelp. "Wha-?!"
At the same time, Shino Aburame, who had been standing perfectly still, decided to take one step forward to greet us.
The chain reaction was beautiful in its absurdity.
Hinata fell backward. Ninja A was pulled on top of her. But before they hit the ground, Ninja A’s flailing leg kicked a small wooden stool that was holding a vase of flowers. The stool slid across the floor and slammed into Shino’s shin.
Shino, usually the most composed ninja in the village, buckled. He fell forward.
Now, here is the physics-defying part. Ninja A landed on his hands and knees, hovering over Hinata in a position that looked like he was about to propose—or something more intimate. His face was inches from hers.
But Shino fell directly onto Ninja A’s back.
The impact forced Ninja A down. His face bypassed Hinata’s face and buried itself into the soft crook of her neck. From the angle of the rest of the room, specifically from where Captain Yamato and Sakura were standing, it looked like a massive, tangled pile of bodies where this random messenger ninja was passionately nuzzling Hinata’s neck while Shino held him down to prevent him from escaping.
"Kyaaah!" Hinata screamed, her voice hitting a frequency that could shatter glass.
"What is happening?!" Ninja A shouted, his voice muffled by Hinata’s scarf.
"My bugs are agitated," Shino stated flatly from the top of the pile.
Silence descended on the room.
Yamato’s eyes were wide, his wood-style instincts clearly failing him in the face of such chaos. Sakura’s jaw had dropped.
"Netorare Situation Detected!" The System chimed happily. "Double Impact! The 'Public Pile-Up' Event triggered. Shy Points Gained: Eight Hundred."
("Eight hundred!") I thought, watching the carnage. ("That is enough for Basic Taijutsu!")
I decided I had to intervene before Shizune called security. I stepped forward, grabbing Ninja A by the back of his flak jacket and hoisting him into the air with my natural strength.
"Alright, break it up, break it up!" I shouted, acting the part of the jealous boyfriend. "Watch where you are falling, buddy! That is my girlfriend!"
Ninja A was bright red. "I am sorry! I don't know what happened! She grabbed my belt!"
Sakura turned to Hinata, who was lying on the floor with swirls in her eyes, looking like she had ascended to the afterlife from embarrassment.
"Hinata?" Sakura asked, confused. "Did you... pull him?"
"I... I..." Hinata stammered, steam practically rising from her ears. "I just... the carpet..."
"It was the carpet!" I declared loudly, pointing at the offending piece of fabric. "This carpet is a hazard! Shizune-san, we need to report this immediately. A ninja could have been killed."
Shizune blinked, looking at the carpet which was barely ruffled. "I... I will make a note of it."
"System," I commanded internally while helping Hinata up. ("Purchase 'Basic Taijutsu Mastery' immediately.")
"Processing..." the System replied. "Purchase complete. Five hundred points deducted. Remaining balance: Three Hundred. Downloading muscle memory for: Basic Leaf Style Hand-to-Hand Combat."
A jolt went through my arms and legs. It wasn't the god-like power of the Sage of Six Paths, but suddenly, I knew how to throw a punch. I knew how to block. I knew how to sweep a leg. I felt less like a civilian cosplaying as a ninja and more like... well, a Genin. But a competent Genin.
I looked at Hinata. She was dusting herself off, refusing to make eye contact with Ninja A, Shino, or anyone else in the solar system.
"Are you okay?" I whispered to her.
"I want to go home," she whimpered.
"Hold on a little longer," I whispered back. "Think of it as training. Endurance training."
"Alright!" Yamato clapped his hands loudly, trying to reset the strange atmosphere. "Now that... whatever that was... is over, let us discuss the mission. We have reports of bandit activity near the border. Nothing too serious, but we need to secure the perimeter."
("Bandits,") I thought. ("Bandits mean men. Men mean targets. And targets mean Shy Points.")
I cracked my knuckles, feeling the new knowledge of Taijutsu settle in.
"Let's do it," I said, grinning. "I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting mission."
Sakura looked at me suspiciously. "Why do you sound so eager to fight bandits? Usually, you complain that these missions are boring."
"I am a new man, Sakura-chan," I said mysteriously. "A new man."
"Or you just hit your head," she muttered.
Little did she know, she was exactly right.
The journey to the border of the Land of Fire began with a realization that hit me harder than the banana peel that killed me: being a ninja was exhausted work.
In the anime, they made tree-hopping look effortless. They just leaned forward, arms trailing behind them like aerodynamic rudders, and flew through the forest. In reality, or at least in my current reality with the "Netorare Situation System," it was terrifying.
"Keep up, Naruto!" Sakura Haruno shouted from three branches ahead. "Why are you so slow today? Usually, you are the first one rushing off!"