I looked between the three of us. We didn't seem like much in our ill-fitting clothes, with no weapons or armor or magic items, but we had some decent character sheets and useful abilities. Probably we should have gone for the coyotes, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.
"Heretical Healer, huh?" I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at Xena.
Her cheeks colored pink and she bowed her head. "Oh yes, Miss. It is a very old and very rare elven tradition of practitioners who.." She paused and searched for the right words. I think this was the first time I had ever seen her without a ready-made answer. "We hold sway over life and death, just without the consent or collaboration of the gods Above or Below." Do I have a sign taped to my back that says kick me, but also accepts strays who practice blasphemy? Like what the fuck.
Paz broke into the biggest grin and shook her head at Xena. "I knew that I liked you. These bitches don't need no gods!" My ginger hellion held out her fist for a bump. The tall brunette looked at it awkwardly for a few moments, and then politely curtsied to her fist. Paz, you dumb ass. You and I are the only two in this world who know that gesture.
"Alright, come on." I gave Paz a loving shove. "You two can scheme against the gods later." I led them to Jack's house and gently knocked.
"Slaver." Paz said coldly by way of greeting as the tall blond man opened the door. He grimaced back at her.
I glared at my girlfriend. "Hey Jack, could you point us in the direction of Bibi's granary? We have to deal with a bogart infestation.
Jack's eyebrows rose slightly but then he nodded. "Sure. Just follow the path north out of town for about two miles." He pointed and answered without ever taking his eyes off Paz, as if he expected her to pull a knife and shank him at any moment.
"Thank you Mister." Xena stepped around me and gave jack a deep curtsy.
As we turned away, I looked back at the house again. "You know, Jack would-"
"Don't you even fucking dare." Paz growled at me. "We're not having a slaver in our adventuring party." I sucked in my lips and nodded.
We settled into a comfortable pace and headed north out of town. Paz and I held hands as Xena trailed along behind us. All around us, we saw vast fields of wheat and barley that had been harvested for the year. All the smells of late fall surrounded us and I breathed them in. I could see the last few orange leaves falling from trees and I smiled as it made me think of pumpkin spice lattes and apple pie. It would be winter soon.
It would be winter soon. Wait. Which winter. I whipped around to face the elf so fast that Paz stumbled beside me. "Xena, what's the year?"
The brunette woman staggered backward with the force of my urgency. "Uh.. I. Miss? I was in the slave camp for a long time, but by my recollection, we should be in October of 799, Miss."
"Fuck." I scanned the horizon as I mentally sorted through major events of the setting.
Paz stepped closer, her face growing increasingly worried, and put her hand to my cheek, bringing my eyes back to her. "Love, what's wrong with 799?"
"This winter will span just over ten years before it finally thaws, and it will be the coldest you've ever imagined. Cosmologically, Illith Aranor orbits the ass end of the elemental plane of ice. And it drifts a little too close in 799."
Xena was looking at me with something approaching stunned awe. "Miss, how do you know these things? This is the knowledge of gods."
Paz was glowing as she put her arm around my waist. "That's my girl. More knowledgeable than a god; more kind-hearted than a saint."
I shrugged and kissed Paz's forehead. "Basically yeah, what she said. I know a lot of weird shit." I started walking again and pulled my beautiful ginger along with me. "But in the meantime, now we really, really need gold for warm clothes."
As we walked, I started thinking through my character sheet. Symphony let me weave together mana from different people. Dark Essence rewarded me for fueling spells with life energy; I shivered at the memory. Friendship was a simple charm to make people more favorable toward interactions with me. Mote of Light was... a floating ball of light. Perfect Seasoning let me take simple ingredients and recreate fantastical flavor profiles. Tail Strike was a handy little gish attack that let me use my charisma instead of my abysmal strength. Flame Breath did what it said on the tin; I could breathe a cone of fire. Mine! was a domination enchantment for bending people to my will. I.. had mixed feelings about that one, even if it was temporary. Bolt of Lightning did what it said on the tin. And finally, the two that I couldn't see stat cards for: Astral Teleportation and Song of Starlight. An educated guess would credit Astral Teleportation with getting me to Paz and back. Time didn't pass while I was gone, and it brought me back to exactly the same spot, and it brought Paz with me. A very intriguing spell. I felt comfortable assuming that it contained elements of both Astral Projection and Teleportation. And I had absolutely no idea with Song of Starlight did.
And then there was Paz. "Hey, you turned into a rabbit! Can you turn into other things?" I gasped and squealed. "Can you turn into a horse?!?! Why am I still walking?"
Paz looked sideways at me and then poked me in the arm. "First, walking is good for your ego even if I could turn into a horse. Second, I'm not high enough level for Shape of Essence to turn me into something that big. And lastly," She glanced back at Xena and bit her lip as she blushed crimson all the way up to the tips of her ears, "I don't want an audience the first time you ride me."
Now, it would be unfair to our protagonist to say that her girlfriend's innuendo caused her to walk into a tree. But it would be accurate to say that the ground was very uneven and she now sat in the grass nursing a tree-shaped dent in her face.
"Ouch." I tilted my head back and pinched my nose to stymie the flow of blood. My ginger hellion was bent over double, shaking with laughter. "Xena, could you heal this please?"
The elf knelt down and examined my nose. "Yes Miss, I could heal that. But I won't."
I let out a scandalized gasp. "Why not?"
Xena tilted her head in deep consideration. "As a reminder, Miss. So the next time Miss and Miss's Mistress get carried away flirting, maybe they will remember that the rest of us have ears too."
Paz fell over, gasping for breath as she rolled around laughing.