Before I thought about taking my own life, I tried time and time again to prove my innocence in front of the public. However, all I gained from those actions was a stark realization of the public’s true, often ugly, nature.
[Yutae-ya, how many times do we have to tell you to just admit your career as a celebrity is over and never show up in front of the public again? It’s pathetic how you keep denying it until the end.]
[Cleared of charges? Yeah, right. Must be nice having a rich friend to make your life so damn easy. Even after committing something so heinous, you just walk free…
.
]
[What the members of Prism are thinking right now: Phew, we almost got screwed if we had tried to stop that person from leaving. LOL.]
[Don’t you think the Prism members were in on it too? They were so close, there’s no way they didn’t know anything.]
└ Oh, so because he borrowed the money and never paid it back, that person killed him with NYH? That’s a wild theory
‘Kang Hyukwoo didn’t have to do anything special.’
If you just threw out a vague reason to criticize someone, people would eagerly jump in. They would immediately curse the person to death, claiming it was all in the name of justice. It must have been quite fun to drag those who were at the top down and curse them without any guilt, and it certainly helped to relieve stress.
After much effort, I managed to obtain a “
not guilty
” verdict, but it seemed that wasn’t of much importance to the public. Was it because of their distrust of the investigative authorities, or because they simply didn’t want the entertainment to end, or because they didn’t want to feel guilty for all the insults they had thrown around? I couldn’t say for sure.
If I wrote the truth to ten people, five of them wouldn’t even bother to read it and just talked nonsense. Three read it incorrectly, and out of those three, two blocked their ears and continued to criticize me, while the other one spread the misinterpreted message around. The remaining two seemed to understand, but they either didn’t reflect on their previous words and doubts, or they would take my side and gradually disappear, exhausted by the criticism of the rest.
‘I hate stupid people.’
I suppose that was the point at which it became clear to me.
I grew tired of rudeness armed with ignorance and stupidity.
If the people around me had acted that stupidly, I would have hit them in the back of the head, but since they weren’t in front of me, I couldn’t do that. It was truly hard to understand, but every time I spoke, the public’s opinions were divided, and the story kept growing more and more exaggerated.
It was typical.
The malicious comments and rumors floating around the internet have always been like that, and that’s what made them so terrifying.
And the final straw was that members of Prism were constantly being brought up in matters concerning me, even though I had already quit the group.
[Seo Yutae is not part of Prism, please!!! >>> Prism has 6 members <<< Don’t drag the Prism’s members into what that bastard is doing. It’s really disgusting.]
[
Yoo Jay, stop going to Seo Yutae’s house, we know everything. Are you defending the things Seo Yutae did? Cut ties with him. The members haven’t done anything wrong, so fans are struggling every day, fighting hard to protect them. You can’t keep betraying them like this. The one who has raised you until now isn’t Seo Yutae, it’s Sera. Don’t be ungrateful, come to your senses.]
[Yutae-ya, don’t you care about your younger brother? You’re so fucking selfish. It feels like the ‘
you
‘ I’ve liked up until now was just a performance. It’s all your fault that the members of Prism are being cursed at now. If you don’t want to see them die, take responsibility for your actions. I’m not going to delete this, so you can read it every day and reflect on it. Seo Yutae Yutae destroying evidence murdering his father a wicked unfilial child Prism not guilty Oh Suhee]
1
Naturally, Sera was furious and blamed me, and from that point on, I began to suffer from a headache so strong that no painkiller could relieve it.
Could I have ignored those words and pretended I didn’t see them?
No, I could never, and that was why I still remember them to this day.
I could never ignore the things Sera said.
Whether it was the time when I was loved, or the time when I was hated.
‘…Kang Hyukwoo really used his head well.’
Kang Hyukwoo already knew, what my weaknesses were.
Prisms and fans. I wanted to applaud him for his knack of hitting both at once.
“…….”
What I had read was definitely a text, but I kept hearing voices of resentment in my ears, as if bugs were crawling inside. It felt as though my dry, detached thoughts couldn’t hold together for long and kept scattering like dry sand, and this sensation was constantly gnawing at me, like they were slowly eating me up.
It seemed to disappear a bit when I habitually inhaled a cigarette that I used to smoke in moderation, but I couldn’t help but wonder if it was right to keep avoiding the words the fans had said to me.
But I couldn’t stop because I felt like I couldn’t function without it.
“Hyung, talk to us for a bit!”
Those fools kept coming to me, so I should at least have enough sanity to send them away and pretend I was fine, shouldn’t I?
I really didn’t know what gave the members the guts to act like that. As for me, I was so afraid of seeing posts cursing them instead of me that I could barely even search their names.
‘…Did someone encourage them to go and visit me?’
However, even without actively searching for posts about the members, their names were always brought up in posts where my name was mentioned. Every time I saw that, the guilt weighed on me, intensifying each time, and I started feeling anxious to resolve the situation quickly.
Is there a way to give weight to my words, which hold less value than a piece of trash on the street, or a way to stop the members of Prism from being dragged into the criticism with me?
After endlessly thinking about it, I grabbed a white sheet of paper and a pen.
And I started to write a suicide note.
As I wrote, I thought to myself.
What will people say if this writing is made public, but I fail to die ‘perfectly’?
The first things that came to mind were words like, “
He’s just threatening to die when he has no intention of actually doing it
” and “
He’s just putting on a show to get attention
“.
‘Now that I’m really dead, everyone is being careful with their words because they feel uncomfortable. But when I was still alive, I heard every kind of nonsense.’
I realized that if I stayed alive, it would complicate things.
So, I wanted my suicide note, which contained the whole truth, to be made public after I was completely dead, in other words, after the doctor had declared me dead.
That’s why I didn’t post the suicide note on SNS myself, but left it to Lim Seunghoon.
Looking back on that thought process now, it seemed so flawed.
I sometimes made impulsive wrong choices, and every time, the only person who could stop me was Seo Yuseong. Was it because Seo Yuseong wasn’t by my side at the time that this happened?
But the more I tried to recall the memories, the more it felt like I was looking at a story pieced together forcefully, as if I were dragging fleeting thoughts and random memories, stitching them together like a torn-up rag to make something that seemed convincing.
‘If I were to explain everything that happened to me, it would take more than a few sheets of paper. So, why was there so little paper in that scene in my memory? Was I really writing a suicide note to begin with?’
While I was feeling something off about the scene that had suddenly become vivid in my mind, the person sitting in front of me naturally started the conversation.
“…Seungbeom-ssi, do you like drinking? It’s surprising, since this isn’t the kind of place people in your age group would usually go to.”
The words were spoken with a hint of suspicion.
Of course it must seem strange.
This was one of the bars that Choi Jeokhyeon used to visit often. It was quite pricey for a young man who had just turned twenty to afford. In other words, it was the kind of place that only rich middle-aged men like Choi Jeokhyeon would frequent.
If I were in my original body, I wouldn’t have even heard such a question, but since I was stuck with the body of a green rookie, I had already prepared a whole list of excuses.
“I’m not much of a drinker, but I do enjoy the atmosphere here. This place was introduced to me by one of my members. I have a groupmate who enjoys drinking liquor.”
“Ah, it must be Nicholas-ssi!”
When the name of the son of a wealthy family was mentioned, Lim Seunghoon immediately nodded in understanding.
I was relieved by the response, and naturally replied.
“Yes, that’s correct. You know it well.”
I felt a little sorry for Lee Hwayoung, who had suddenly gotten used, but he was indeed the member of Pantheion who enjoyed drinking the most, just like his uncle, so I thought a little white lie wouldn’t hurt. Choi Jeokhyeon might even bring him in for real soon.
I exhaled sharply, feeling my conscience pricked in a strange way.
And without giving Lim Seunghoon a chance to sense anything odd, the conversation smoothly continued.
“Still, young people usually find these strong liquors difficult to handle, but I guess you’re an exception, Seungbeom-ssi.”
“Haha, I was properly taught by the adults around me.”
Of course it was a lie.
The adults around me? Bullshit
. It was Choi Jeokhyeon who taught me how to drink.
“Yutae-ya, alcohol is one of the best ways to escape reality. It can clear your complicated thoughts when you’re not thinking straight, and if you’re lucky, it can even make your memories disappear.”
“…Stop drinking that shit. Give it to me! You alcoholic bastard!”
‘What the hell gave that bastard the confidence to think he could teach me how to drink?’
I still got dizzy when I thought about it.
Thanks to Choi Jeokhyeon, who became an excellent cautionary tale, I became a person who completely hated alcohol.
There was only one reason why I, who had never even touched alcohol, chose this bar as a meeting place.
‘I used to think that crazy person’s wasteful spending should be done in moderation, but it turns out to be useful.’
This was one of the few places that didn’t leak Choi Jeokhyeon’s whereabouts or private life to his family or reporters during his rebellious years. In short, this was one of the few places where Choi Jeokhyeon had spent a considerable amount of money and built a strong relationship of trust. Either that, or Choi Jeokhyeon held the owner’s life in his hands.
“This place is quiet.”
“You’re right. I guess we’re lucky.”
What happens here will never be revealed to the outside world.
The CCTV had long since stopped working, and the owner wouldn’t accept any customers besides us.
Maybe a ‘
CLOSE’
sign was already hanging in front of the store’s door.
Of course, Lim Seunghoon would have no idea about that.
“Ah, the reason I wanted to have a conversation with Seungbeom-ssi is because….”
I let the conversation drift by, reacting appropriately as Lim Seunghoon rambled on about everything Kang Hyukwoo had told him to say. I wasn’t interested in anything that was said to promote RH Entertainment. I would never go to that company even if I died, so why should I bother listening?
All I was aiming for was to uncover the truth that Lim Seunghoon was hiding.
And the dirty tricks to achieve that have already begun.
“Haha, I see. It’s an honor.”
‘I wonder if he still has that same drinking habit.’
Kang Hyukwooo probably didn’t know it because he was always so nervous around him that he hardly drank, but Lim Seunghoon’s drinking habits weren’t exactly good. When he got drunk, he had a terrible habit of getting overly emotional, saying things he regretted, or blacking out so quickly. He seemed to be extra cautious now, since I’d warned him about it before, but it wouldn’t make much of a difference.
From now on, all the alcohol placed on Lim Seunghoon’s side would be easy on the throat and tasty, but had a very high alcohol content. As for what would be placed on my side, they would all be drinks that didn’t contain any alcohol at all.
‘I never imagined I’d find myself in this kind of situation with someone I knew so well, someone whose drinking habits I even knew….’
I forced a smile as I watched Lim Seunghoon, who had just taken a sip of a cocktail that barely tasted like alcohol, begin to drink more leisurely, as if he had let his guard down.
‘Well, there are so many long-stored stories that need to be told, so let’s throw reason out the window.’
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Translator’s Corner:
If you confused about the last part, it’s just how netizen wrote as many words as possible so the post would show up on the search result. ↩︎
omg…. this chapter hit me hard … like … if we put aside the plot … that thought process is not entirely wrong if you look at our reality
i mentioned before that i liked kpop since i was in elementary right, at that time i stanned a group and my bias was their now ex-member. since i was a child, my thought was really simple. i idolized the one who was the prettiest (in my eyes), a pretty unnie who was really pretty when she smiled. but you know, instead of soft flowers, her paths were full of thorny roses, and it wasn’t easy at all even being her fan. like being hated by the public was one thing, but seeing your own fandom-mate also hated your favorite for “keep bringing troubles” was also stressed you out that you just wanted to quit. when she left the group, i quit being a fan of the group too and only supported her. (don’t believe whatever the group fans were saying, they were actually so nasty when she was still in the group. i was there. i don’t feel bad for their fate after that at all.). and even after that, it wasn’t easy too. not only the public, but even other celebrities were looking down on her. and her friends got criticized just for staying by her side. i literally spent my youth fighting dumbass on internet because they were cursing my bias for absurd reasons.
i still remember how happy she looked when she had an overseas schedule after her long hiatus. there was this one fansite who took pictures of her, and she smiled so happily. because there was still someone, not just reporters, who wanted to take pictures of her. so can you imagine how hard it must have been asdfghjkl i still got mad about everything that happened. and seeing how the public completely changed their attitude after she died is more maddening. like wdym suddenly she’s an icon and “a star that we lost” WHEN YOU LITERALLY BULLIED HER WHEN SHE WAS STILL HERE. and i have a very useless good memory, you know, so I still remember a lot of people who used to talk bad about her (I graduated from fanwar), and they all deleted their trash tweets and suddenly tweeted things like “idol mental health matters, i’m so sad” … like can you imagine how fucked people were to act like they’re not guilty at all like that. how as soon as someone died, they started treating them far better. but seriously, what’s the point of doing all that when the person is no longer here anymore????
and even the new gen stans who wasn’t even there to see how it all happened keep bringing her up everytime they need to make an argument in fanwar. like … you weren’t even there to support her back then, you have no right to use her name. even i would never do that, and i used to run her fanbase account.
okay that’s a long rant. my point is, you know whatever plot this story has, it’s understandable how the summary would feel like a “major turn off” or “MC made a stupid decision”, but when you actually looked at the real life case, it wasn’t stupid at all. people really that vicious. if you wonder “did idol fans really this mean in real life?” yeah, they did. it was such a cruel industry actually. like, in hollywood, you can still act nasty and be forgiven. but people are expecting k-idols to be a perfect human without any flaw. and even if you already acted as perfect as you can, there’s still always vicious person out there who’s trying to spun everything you do into their own evil narrative.