If Han Seungbeom comes back, what action should I take?
Han Seungbeom’s will was not something I could guess at right now. So, setting that aside for now, if I were to consider how I should act, the first question would be:
Have I succeeded in getting rid of Kang Hyukwoo
? That was what mattered.
If I hadn’t achieved my revenge, I couldn’t allow myself to die, no matter what.
In that case, shameless as it might be, I would ask Han Seungbeom for more time. Starting with Cha Woon, the members of Prism were in danger. Since lives were at stake, Han Seungbeom might cooperate—if he was the type of person who sought justice.
Then, how should I act after achieving my revenge?
I hadn’t really thought about it consciously, but it was in the back of my mind.
‘Everything should be put back in its place.’
So, in an ordinary moment, those thoughts must have slipped out, causing me to make a mistake in front of Choi Jeokhyeon.
Han Seungbeom’s body belonged to Han Seungbeom. It wasn’t a free gift with a ‘
feel free to take it
‘ label.
Even after my grudge was gone, there was no way I could boldly demand Han Seungbeom to give me part of his life, the precious moments of his everyday existence, while rejecting death.
Would Han Seungbeom’s aunt or his mother be able to accept their son being exploited, all while disguising the sacrifice of giving part of his body and time to a complete stranger under the name of
coexistence
?
‘No, that’s ridiculous.’
Han Seungbeom would show me kindness and willingly coexist with me?
‘The very idea of such a possibility repulses me.’
Han Seungbeom wasn’t a sacrificial lamb, nor a tool that existed for me.
Every human life is sacred, and everyone has the right to live their own existence.
Expecting coexistence from Han Seungbeom was no different from considering his life worthless simply because he was another person, failing to recognize its sacredness. Therefore, I wanted to respect Han Seungbeom’s life as much as I could.
And crucially, the more time I spent in this state, the more I came to a realization.
‘I can’t completely exist as Han Seungbeom.’
It felt like the fixed mold of ‘
Han Seungbeom
‘ was gradually being eroded by the ego of the human named ‘
Seo Yutae
‘.
The life I’ve lived so far, the soul I was born with, seemed to scream at every moment, insisting that it was never weak enough to be covered by another shell.
I am Seo Yutae.
I started as
Seo Yutae
, and I will end as
Seo Yutae
.
I thought that it might be a terrible thing to those who prioritize the existence or life and death over the sacredness of life. For example, someone like Choi Jeokhyeon, or some members of Prism or Pantheion.
“Brother, you’re so strict with both others and yourself, which is why you have so many burdens to bear, and that’s why you’re always so tired.”
Seo Yuseong once said that to me.
Is this the situation where that statement fits perfectly?
No, Seo Yuseong also had a tendency to think of everything centered around me.
I appreciated what he did for me, but that was a statement focused on me rather than right or wrong, so I shouldn’t rely on it.
I wasn’t trying to be a good person.
I just thought I had to do what needed to be done. I wasn’t that moral of a person, but this was a matter involving the innocent life of the boy who had done so much for me.
I shouldn’t limit the morality of my actions to the people around me.
That was my conclusion.
But apparently, Choi Jeokhyeon couldn’t accept that.
“Seo Yutae.”
A clear anger was overwhelming me.
Even though it was simply a voice calling my name, it was intimidating.
Choi Jeokhyeon had never been this angry with me before.
As I swallowed my dry saliva at the unfamiliar sight, Choi Jeokhyeon slowly rose from his seat. He walked unsteadily to the front of where I was sitting and stopped.
His black eyes, sunken beneath his lashes, were staring at me without giving me a chance to escape.
“No, you can’t say things like that.”
His usual gentle tone had completely disappeared, and his low voice echoed in the spacious living room.
He was
warning
me.
“I told you, I was sitting there watching your dead body. But now you’re saying you’re going to disappear again?”
I didn’t answer him.
I couldn’t fully understand the minds of those around me, but I could sense that it was a pretty cruel thing to do to them. Therefore, I had no intention of trying to justify myself.
I kept my mouth shut and lowered my head.
Seeing my reaction, Choi Jeokhyeon moved his arm and brushed his face with his palm.
Then, after bursting into manic laughter, he held his breath and muttered coldly, “I’ve had enough”. No matter how I thought about it, his appearance didn’t seem normal, but before my heart could even sink, Choi Jeokhyeon started talking again, his voice sounded like usual.
“As you’ve always pointed out, I don’t seem to have the same way of thinking as ordinary people. I don’t understand why people get angry over things that can’t be undone, why they waste time being bound by them, why they make irrational choices based on unnecessary emotions. It must be bothersome, but that’s all. All that matters to me is that I need you, and that you exist.”
“…….”
“I would do anything to achieve what I want, but if it’s not that, then it’s outside my sphere of interest. Who dies, who lives, what Kang Hyukwoo does … whatever happens from the moment you’re no longer in this world, I honestly don’t care.”
It was something I’d never heard before.
And it was completely understandable to me. I didn’t think it was possible for an ordinary person to understand Choi Jeokhyeon’s way of thinking, but I never expected it to be that bad.
“Revenge is irrational. If I push Kang Hyukwoo off a cliff, if I make him meet the most brutal end possible, will it alleviate even a little bit of the emotion I felt while looking at your dead body? No, the fact that something has already been lost won’t change no matter what I do from now on. I don’t see any value in that action at all. But sometimes,
that kind of action
can create value. Just like this.”
Smiling as he said that, Choi Jeokhyeon grabbed my chin and forced me to meet his gaze. Then, in a very sweet tone, he asked me.
“Would you like to imagine what kind of person Han Seungbeom must have been?”
I couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly talking about Han Seungbeom. When I looked back into his eyes to read the intention behind his mention of Han Seungbeom, I couldn’t help but hold my breath.
His eyes, filled with a murderous aura that contradicted his soft voice, were staring at me without a single blink.
“If, as you suspect, he deliberately handed over his body to you after meeting a miserable end, he must be a very affectionate child. Judging by his willingness to give up control of his body, his insistence on maintaining narrow relationships, and his refusal to leave traces of himself anywhere, including on the Internet, it seems he lacked an attachment to his own life. This is definitely a deficiency rooted in the environment Han Seungbeom grew up in.”
“…….”
“Children who grow up like that usually end up devaluing themselves and becoming strangely desensitized to attacks from others, and Han Seungbeom is probably no different. After all, he was a child who was attacked from a young age by his caregivers, not anyone else. Such a child will only harden when his daily life or life itself is at stake, and he will take the blows less than ordinary people. It’s possible that he could simply grow up to be a fearful and timid person, but isn’t he a child who is capable of taking such an extreme action as giving his body to someone else? I think it’s safe to say the odds of that are close to zero.”
“…What are you trying to say? Stop.”
“I’m saying that for someone like Han Seungbeom, it’s much more effective to attack those around him rather than himself. So, who should I target? Unfortunately, Han Seungbeom doesn’t have anyone close to him, so it’s quite troublesome. He should just make a friend or two, it would be less of a hassle.”
That guy, who had his eyes downcast as if he was really in trouble, crossed his arms and clenched his jaw, then started muttering like a madman. While I was dumbfounded by his behavior, he shifted his gaze and scanned
Han Seungbeom’s body
from head to toe. After contemplating for a moment, his eyes suddenly widened and he smiled broadly.
“If he had known his soul would disappear, he could have harmed the family members who made him miserable before that, but Han Seungbeom didn’t do that. Was he unable to resent them? Aah, ‘
Because family is family
‘. That strange phrase you always used to say. Maybe Han Seungbeom had those thoughts too.”
“Stop, stop it!”
“You know, I’m really curious if that child could live with a sane mind after watching his family die in front of his eyes, and knowing that all of it happened because of him.”
“…….”
It was only after hearing the words spoken without the slightest hesitation that I realized.
“Kang Hyukwoo’s method is so cliche.
Find a weakness and blackmail them
. Since his sole purpose is to control people, he takes the most straightforward and rational approach, but by doing so, the other person might secretly be saving up the strength to retaliate. Like you and the members of Prism right now. If you don’t want to have any loopholes, you have to completely break their minds.”
Choi Jeokhyeon was threatening me right now.
He implied, ‘
If you ever disappear for Han Seungbeom’s sake, I will do whatever it takes to make him suffer
.’
“Besides, that isn’t as strong as your body.”
Choi Jeokhyeon definitely referred to Han Seungbeom’s body as
‘that
‘ earlier.
He had a nature of being confined to the world of his own making, of not even treating other humans as his equals. I could feel it leaking out little by little, even in ordinary moments, from behind the plausible facade he so desperately tried to maintain.
“While you were dead, I constantly thought about how I should have acted at that time. And the method I found is this. I’ll do everything I can to make Han Seungbeom’s life a living hell. Surely, you’re not expecting me to be as clumsy as Kang Hyukwoo, are you?”
Choi Jeokhyeon hasn’t changed a bit.
As he grew older, he was able to
act
a little more ordinary, but his true nature remained unchanged.
“Don’t you think that once he dies, you can come back? Don’t worry, Yutae-ya. I’m exceptional when it comes to things like this. Since you seem to care about Han Seungbeom, I’ll make sure it ends as quickly as possible.”
“…Are you in your right mind?”
“…No way. You already knew the answer, Yutae-ya.”
I was at a loss for words.
Choi Jeokhyeon would never harm me.
I had a vague idea that Han Seungbeom was not included in that ‘
me
‘, but I never imagined he would resort to such a trick.
“There is no second chance. You’ve already lost your first and last chance.”
First chance. He must have been referring to when I fell off the building and died. I felt my skin crawl and my muscles stiffen.
This guy is impossible to control.
He could be perfectly gentle one moment, and then suddenly change his attitude and do whatever it takes to get the result he wants. There was something inhuman about him that ordinary human’s common sense and thinking could never keep up with.
“Don’t say such nonsense! What did Han Seungbeom do wrong for you to treat him like this?!”
At my shout, Choi Jeokhyeon stopped. Then, tilting his head to the side, he asked innocently.
“You don’t like Han Seungbeom? Then … should we go with Pantheion? If that’s not enough, Prism?”
“…What?”
“Or … me?”
I felt my heart drop with a thump.
His dilated pupils were trembling, but Choi Jeokhyeon didn’t stop and continued speaking.
“You’re not a strong person. You’re full of weaknesses. You’re a foolish person who can’t even let go of what you hold onto, even though you can barely handle your own life. I used to hate that about you, but now that I think about it … it doesn’t seem so bad. It’s because you have that side to you that this kind of restraint works on you now.”
“You … are you serious?”
“Of course, I have always been serious.”
Hearing the trembling in my voice, he smiled with satisfaction and said these words.
“I’m sorry for hurting you. But I have no choice.”
Then, leaning in, he put his arm on my shoulder, closed his eyes, and whispered.
“So, don’t die, and keep an eye on me, Yutae-ya.”
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Translator’s Corner:
BLASTING RED VELVET – PSYCHO ON REPEAT WHILE DOING THIS FELT SOOO GOOOD. HEY NOW WE’LL BE OKAY ….. CHOI JEOKHYEON, THE PSYCHO THAT YOU ARE ….
no, everyone, get a grip!!! THIS ISN’T ROMANCE! THERE’S NO ROMANCE TAG!!!! DON’T HOPE FOR SOMETHING IN THE WRONG GENRE!!!!!!
But omg … is it love if he’s not saying “All that matters to me is that I need you, and that you exist” …. OKAY I NEED TO GET A GRIP TOO. ALL I LOVE IS HEALING STORIES WITH CUTE INTERACTIONS, WHAT IS THIS BURNING TASTE FOR TOXIC RELATIONSHIP T_T
But talking about tags, guys, don’t add tag on NU that gave away the plot that revealed in, like, chapter 100+ … unless it’s a trigger warning that’s important to warn people who’s sensitive with certain topic, it will be spoiler if you write everything that happened on tags … even AO3 writers didn’t do that ……
Anyway, talking about toxic relationship, give MEOVV – TOXIC a listen. The song is so so good. Especially the final part … I know you, know you ain’t been no angel … all the times you got my heart into danger …. omg. It’s so underrated.