“Let’s take a short break!”
“Yesss.”
It usually took between 30 minutes and an hour for the fever reducer to start kicking in.
And now, at the end of the first segment, an hour and 20 minutes into the filming, Han Seungbeom’s body was starting to feel the effects of the fever reducer.
As a result, my frozen brain slowly started to recover, and reality began to sink in.
[10:4]
At the bottom of the giant screen the extreme scores of me and Camilla were shown side by side.
For reference, the higher score was mine and the lower score was hers.
‘I did it.’
This goddamned competitive spirit.
When I came to my senses, I had scored twice as many points as Camilla.
I had always been someone with at least twice the competitive spirit of others, but I usually controlled it well by considering the time, place, and person involved….
“I have to be first place. I don’t need a second place, or good game, or anything else.”
“Yeah, let’s do it until we die. Sleep is a luxury, right?”
No, maybe I was never that good at controlling myself to begin with, but this was truly a major blunder. My dulled brain had skipped the rational thought of “
acting like I know Lee Hwayoung too well, even though we’ve only met for a short time, might seem suspicious
” and instead followed my natural instincts.
I came to my senses belatedly, and the reactions of those who had witnessed the entire scene from start to finish were appalling.
The audience, with a mix of awe, gave a round of applause, saying,
“Isn’t Han Seungbeom practically a father rather than a leader now?
”. Then there was Camilla, smiling radiantly despite having lost to a relative stranger she had only known for about a year in a quiz about her own son. Meanwhile, the members looked like they had already given up, their eyes hollow with resignation.
Taking it all in, I put on a calm face and thought to myself.
‘This is f*ck*d up…….’
I felt a little sick, but for most people, it wasn’t really a big issue.
Because the image I had portrayed as Han Seungbeom on broadcasts so far was that of a flawless leader—someone who knew every detail about the members and showed an almost burdensome level of obsession towards them.
‘I guess my image would be exaggerated for the sake of fun.’
It meant it wouldn’t stray from my existing image, and it wouldn’t be a big issue.
So in the end, there was another issue that mattered.
“…….”
Lee Hwayoung no longer glared at me, he was just calmly staring straight ahead.
He didn’t even ask for an explanation.
I started to feel dizzy from the determination in his eyes that said, ‘
I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses
‘, but I tried to console myself that everything would be okay.
‘It’s okay. No matter how much similarity he finds between Han Seungbeom and me, he’ll never reach the conclusion that it’s possession.’
The two people who knew my true identity right now were special cases.
Jay had confirmed my identity by unraveling my true nature, and Choi Jeokhyeon directly witnessed the supernatural ability to either make my body disappear or cause confusion in people’s memories.
It meant that believing in something as surreal as possession would require at least that level of credulity. So, unless he had an extremely vivid imagination or was in a situation like those two, Lee Hwayoung would not be able to figure out my identity.
In the first place, there was also the possibility that Lee Hwayoung might not be as interested in
Seo Yutae
as I had thought. Perhaps even if he found out my identity, he might not have reacted much.
‘There must have been several, or even dozens of people, who have taken care of Lee Hwayoung, who was raised so preciously, up until now, aside from me. I was just someone who had briefly crossed paths with him during his childhood.’
However, despite having such thoughts, the reason I was so desperate to hide my identity from Lee Hwayoung was that if I said out loud, “
Yes, I am Seo Yutae
“, Lee Hwayoung might mistake me as someone with a mental disorder. If that led to him forcing me to receive psychiatric treatment or getting me admitted to a hospital, and if my abnormalities were made known to those around me, it would have been the worst-case scenario.
‘Let’s avoid that scenario.’
Just as I was making that resolve, I overheard Camilla, who was spending break time with Lee Hwayoung, asking him a question.
“Nicky, do you plan to continue staying in Korea in the future?”
We were far enough apart that most people normally wouldn’t have been able to hear what they were saying, but I could hear them so clearly that it made me chuckle.
‘Han Seungbeom really does have good hearing.’
If it had been another private conversation, I would have voluntarily given them space. However, thinking that it might be a conversation related to Lee Hwayoung’s idol career, I pretended to be looking at my phone and started eavesdropping on their conversation.
“…….”
Lee Hwayoung remained silent, not answering Camilla’s question.
It was the behavior that Lee Hwayoung showed whenever he had to give an affirmative answer, but didn’t want to. Camilla, who knew this as well as I did, let out a soft sigh and spoke in a warm voice.
“…Once the group’s contract period ends, you can quit and return to England at any time. You don’t have to stay in a foreign country if it’s not convenient for you. If you really want to be a singer, we will fully support you so you can perform in a bigger place.”
“…….”
The words, as if hoping he would return to England, made my heart sink.
I knew that when she said, “
we will fully support you
“, it wasn’t just empty words or boasting, but that she truly meant it.
In fact, I had always thought that Lee Hwayoung was more suited to being a solo artist rather than being in a group, and that pop music suited him better than K-pop. I also thought that if he had the opportunity, targeting the U.S. or the U.K. might ultimately be more beneficial for Lee Hwayoung’s career.
‘Since Lee Hwayoung is struggling to adapt to life in Korea, it might be better for him.’
But even though I was making such a realistic judgment in my head, I couldn’t understand why I felt so strange about those words.
If Lee Hwayoung were to return to his home country, as Camilla suggested, wouldn’t we hardly be able to meet each other anymore? Thinking about that made me feel a sense of emptiness.
I tried to ignore the pounding in my chest and waited for Lee Hwayoung’s answer.
“…I’m not going back.”
Then, Lee Hwayoung, who had been keeping quiet the whole time, answered in a calm yet firm tone. Before I could even be surprised by his reply, Camilla’s voice was heard again.
“It’s a painful truth, but that person is already gone. You should cherish your memories, but you shouldn’t let them stop you from moving forward. No matter how much you cling to the past, the dead will never come back.”
‘…What are you talking about?’
We had never really talked in depth about why Lee Hwayoung came to Korea, so it was a topic I knew nothing about.
Since it was said in the context of
staying in Korea
, the
past
Camilla was referring to must have meant the time when Lee Hwayoung was in Korea. And among the people Lee Hwayoung had relationships with during that time, I was the only one who was already dead and no longer in this world, so the person she was referring to must certainly be me.
‘Lee Hwayoung came to Korea because of me?’
When the first filming of Survive IDOL took place, obviously, when asked by the trainers why he joined the program, Lee Hwayoung answered with,
“I came to Korea because I admired Yutae-sunbaenim.”
It was quite common for children’s dreams to be influenced by the adults around them, and since I used to show my performance to the young Lee Hwayoung often, I naturally assumed that was the case with him.
But listening to what Camilla was saying now, it seemed that he didn’t come to Korea simply out of admiration, as he had said before.
“…You can only say that because you don’t know anything.”
When she mentioned me, Lee Hwayoung’s attitude sharpened at once, and he snapped back at Camilla. However, Camilla didn’t falter in her response, even when she saw how sensitive he had become.
“You need to explain it properly, Nicholas. Wasn’t it Yutae who taught you that you can’t just expect someone to understand you without any explanation, that it will only narrow your world? You’re falling back into the old habit that he barely fixed. If you cherish him, you should cherish the words he had given you.”
At Camilla’s firm reprimand, Lee Hwayoung seemed to finally realize that he had unconsciously become agitated, and he responded in a somewhat softened tone.
“…Even if I explain it to you, you won’t believe me regardless.“
I tilted my head at the hushed reply, falling into deep thought.
‘You won’t believe me regardless?’
Camilla was a parent with a very open-minded and accepting attitude towards her children.
She was the kind of person who went so far as to elope for love in order to marry Lee Hwayoung’s father. Perhaps Camilla was even more flexible and unconventional in her way of thinking than Lee Hwayoung, who was born with conservative and upright views.
Choi Jeokhyeon told me that right after Lee Hwayoung graduated from public school, Camilla had readily accepted his decision to come to Korea and debut as an idol instead of attending a prestigious university, which most people dreamed of. I couldn’t imagine what kind of story she wouldn’t be able to understand.
‘It seems like Lee Hwayoung used to ask Camilla for advice a lot….’
As long as he explained it properly, as long as it didn’t go too far beyond common sense, Camilla would believe him and support him as much as possible. But Lee Hwayoung, who should know this better than anyone else, was so certain that Camilla would not believe him in this matter, so I couldn’t figure out his reasoning.
Even Camilla’s eyes were wide open, as if she was quite surprised that her son refused to explain. In response, Lee Hwayoung lowered his eyes, the same color as Camilla’s, and quietly said, “I’m sorry for not being good at explaining. But I really can’t tell you.”
Camilla stared at Lee Hwayoung’s face for a moment, lost in thought at this side of her son that she was seeing for the first time. After a while, she opened her mouth again.
“I’m not forcing you right now. You’re an adult now. You have the right to live your life however you want without having to convince me. The person who will lead your life from now on is you, not me. I’m just being concerned for you as someone who cares about you, and I’m simply saying that you can come back anytime. I’m sorry if I unintentionally hurt you.”
At Camilla’s apology, Lee Hwayoung shook his head.
It was truly astonishing that Lee Hwayoung, who was usually so fierce, had become so docile. As expected, the mother who raised such an extraordinary child like Lee Hwayoung must be extraordinary herself. I swallowed nervously as this thought crossed my mind. Then, Camilla, who had once again flashed her usual cheerful smile, asked Lee Hwayoung a question.
“Have you been keeping in touch with Jeokhyeon?”
“…….“
When Choi Jeokhyeon’s name was mentioned, Lee Hwayoung openly frowned. Just a moment ago, he had such a gentle expression, so it was fascinating how dramatically his face could change to such a negative expression.
With a scowl on his face, Lee Hwayoung reluctantly his head. Camilla burst out laughing and held her stomach. After a moment, she managed to reply.
“Really? Thank goodness. There’s at least one adult around who can help.”
“…That person isn’t much help. He’s also hard to reach.”
“Ahaha! That’s right. There was also a time when he completely disappeared after he moved out. He’s really not a good guy to date.”
‘…What’s that supposed to mean now?’
Choi Jeokhyeon moved out?
And then he completely disappeared?
That was the first time I’d heard of it.
Choi Jeokhyeon was still living well in the house where I used to play with Lee Hwayoung when he was a child, so it seemed like there was some kind of misunderstanding.
“…….”
Either that, or Choi Jeokhyeon was hiding that fact from me.
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Translator’s Corner:
Mother of the year … Nicholas living everyone’s dream life in every aspect….