My memory of writing that letter was very hazy, and I could barely remember it.
I should probably consider it a feat that I even remembered those few sentences.
For me, that letter was my last bastion, my final hope, my lingering regrets. But it was mercilessly crushed, and I died without ever knowing … the absurdity of it all was almost laughable.
‘Should I think of it as a punishment?’
Lim Seunghoon must know what kind of feelings I had when I wrote that letter for the members of Prism.
“You can’t claim you didn’t know what kind of heart was behind that writing, can you? Was there even a price worth betraying the trust that was barely built up through a long relationship?”
‘…Whatever Lim Seunghoon got in exchange, what’s it to me? It’s not something I’d understand even if I heard it, so was it just curiosity? Or was it an unconscious attempt to try and make understand his actions somehow?’
Why on earth did I ask Lim Seunghoon such a question?
What was I asking for, and what was I hoping for?
Even if Lim Seunghoon knew how I felt, nothing would have changed.
‘No way, did I hope Lim Seunghoon would feel guilty?’
”…Haha.”
That day, I definitely unleashed my anger on Lim Seunghoon. Engulfed in a whirlwind of rage that threatened to consume me entirely, I spoke without any rational thought.
But it was completely different from the blind rage I had aimed at Kang Hyukwoo. Something was tormenting me, making me sick to my stomach and on the verge of collapse, and I was more shaken by it than was warranted.
Until now, I had chalked it up to a simple sense of betrayal.
But now, little by little, I began to understand why I acted the way I did.
My rationality, which had been tightly guarded, was shaken by the immense anger, and through the gap created by that, I felt an emotion that should have remained buried.
At that moment, paradoxically, I felt both fear and disgust.
Not for Lim Seunghoon, but for
myself
.
The very act of attacking someone I had cherished, something I had never done nor ever intended to do in my life, was so disgusting that I felt like throwing up. I felt a visceral fear, as if my vital points were being mercilessly battered.
But even then, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was scared to attack Lim Seunghoon. So, I tried to act like I didn’t know anything.
‘
If I hadn’t trusted Lim Seunghoon, the members of Prism wouldn’t have suffered this much. How dare I?
‘
Why did I give him such firm and unwavering trust?
Why did I cherish him with everything I had?
I tried to think of a reason why I trusted Lim Seunghoon, but nothing came to mind.
I just trusted him, just like I do with Jay and Choi Jeokhyeon now.
I never doubted him, and I thought it was the way it should be.
“Congratulations on the Daesang, Prism! An unprecedented record in idol history.…”
“I’m so proud of you guys! You guys worked so hard!”
“It’s all thanks to you helping us behind the scenes, hyung.”
The time we spent together was too much, and the path we walked together was too long.
It’s a stupid, foolish, and pathetic thought, but if Lim Seunghoon hadn’t dragged the members of Prism into this, I might have forgiven him. No matter how much money he tried to take from me, no matter how many traps he set for me behind my back, I might have turned a blind eye to everything.
I wanted to treat anyone who came into my fence the same way I treated my members and Choi Jeokhyeon.
But I realized that I could no longer do that.
‘I was the kind of person who treated people differently from the start.’
Lim Seunghoon was never the
most
precious person to me. Especially now, after he hurt the people I truly care about. Yet, I denied this truth and tolerated him to the end, and this was how things turned out. I was too afraid to cut off the branches, so I ended up rotting the entire tree.
It was only after those in my arms bled that I realized the sharpness of the blade that had been stabbing me. How could I have been this stupid?
All of this happened because I dared to be greedy. Even as I held those I should have treasured above all else in my arms, I still craved more and tried to hold onto my father until the very end. That was what started the cracks in Prism, and because I tolerated Lim Seunghoon, I ultimately shattered Prism.
As I became aware of it, something within me seemed to crumble and fall apart like a withered leaf.
“…….”
I would do anything for those guys.
I would lock the fence with a padlock and surround it with thorns. No one would ever set foot in it again, and I would stab all who threatened the peace within it to death.
‘I should have made this resolve sooner.’
Full of inner regret, I turned to Taeui and began to speak in a sunken tone.
“The original video, I’ll probably be able to find it. I’ll find it no matter what it takes and see it clearly with my own two eyes.”
“…How on earth do you expect to find it? Even Kang Hyukwoo couldn’t!”
“I already have a rough idea of where to look. I have a sort of connection with Seo Yutae-sunbaenim.”
I will find out every detail of what happened to Jo Inchan
.
I wasn’t curious about what emotions I had felt when I saw it before I died.
It didn’t matter if Han Seungbeom or Choi Jeokhyeon wanted to hide it from me.
It was my sin. I will face the sin of putting the members of Prism in danger.
“But it’s unlikely I’ll release that video to public. It could harm Jo Inchan-sunbaenim.”
“Then, you’re going to give up on what happened that day?”
And that original footage would, under my judgment, be forever sunk beneath the surface.
If there’s anything that could harm the members of Prism, I’ll make sure it faces the same fate.
“No. It doesn’t matter even if there’s no video.”
“Then how can…….”
“Taeui-ssi, you said your father got scared and went into hiding.”
But that didn’t lead to the conclusion that I was going to keep my mouth shut and let Kang Hyukwoo take advantage of Jo Inchan.
“It’s not like he can’t communicate.”
“…Yes?”
Taeui slowly raised his lowered head.
He didn’t seem to understand what I meant at all. Or maybe he did, but he just couldn’t believe that I was suddenly saying this.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t just leave your father as he is, Taeui-ssi. Even if you refuse, I won’t care.”
If I can’t use the original, I’ll use the witnesses. So hand over your father, who has hidden like a coward. Whether your father is mentally ill or faces any threats from Kang Hyukwoo later, it means nothing to me right now.
I’m not trying to place the blame on you, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven your father for what he has done
. That was pretty much all I said to Taeui.
“Didn’t everyone around you try to stop you? They must have told you not to live like that, not to carry the weight of your father’s mistakes? I understand. I’ve been just as foolish as you, Taeui-ssi. I carried the wrongs my father committed, and in doing so, I hurt the people I cared about. And now, I regret it more than anything in the world.”
“…….”
“You’ve tried repaying the debt, you’ve tried doing what he says, you’ve done everything, so you must have known. In the end, Taeui-ssi, if you don’t take down Kang Hyukwoo, you’ll never be free. Surely, you’re not going to give that up for your father, are you?”
At least, based on what I’ve seen of Taeui so far, he seemed to feel guilty about the things his father had done. For knowing about his father’s sins, for being related to him by blood, he believed he was just as guilty for not doing anything. How truly tragic.
But could Taeui share that sin with the rest of his family?
“What about your mother? What about your younger sibling?”
As I casually mentioned the rest of the family, like reading a textbook, Taeui’s body stiffened. I didn’t respond to his reaction and went on.
“…Taeui-ssi, there’s a limit to the number of people you can protect. If you sacrifice what’s truly important for someone who hurts you, you will regret it.”
I was hurting Taeui. I was pushing him to drive his father, whom he had been desperately trying to protect, into a dangerous situation, which was no different from shattering his family bond and forcing him to weigh his remaining family against his father.
I knew it perfectly well, yet I forced Taeui to make that choice.
“It’s your own freedom to choose what you want to do, Taeui-ssi. But I won’t forgive you if you stand in my way for your father’s sake … If you want to resent me, go ahead. My only goal is to protect Prism-sunbaenims, so it doesn’t matter what you think of me, Taeui-ssi. I’m willing to do anything for them, and I’ll get rid of anyone who stands in the way. Be it Kang Hyukwoo, Lim Seunghoon, or anyone else.”
***
After sending Taeui back, I was standing in front of the room where Do Yuda was hospitalized.
Just then, a voice was faintly heard—a voice that was naturally refined, but with a prickly and sensitive edge that surfaced occasionally.
“Seo…….”
“Lee Hwayoung.”
He almost called him Seo Yutae just now. Where on earth did he pick up such a disrespectful habit of calling someone so much older than him by their name…..
As I had that thought, the sound of my own voice calling out to someone older than me, ‘
Choi Jeokhyeon
‘ echoed in my head. And then I belatedly realized, ‘
Ah, he must have picked that up from me
‘.
‘Thank goodness he’s a foreigner, otherwise he probably would have gotten a lot of curses from people.’
As I drifted along with my aimless thoughts, instead of calling my name, Lee Hwayoung grabbed my wrist tightly. Then, with a nervous look in his eyes, he asked me.
“What’s wrong with you all of a sudden? Did something happen?”
“…What? Nothing happened.”
I tilted my head, not quite understanding the question. Then, as if tracing the hard surface of cooled lava with my fingertips, I searched through my memories.
“What are your plans moving forward?”
“I will contact Lim Seunghoon again and pressure him. If a common enemy appears, they won’t go after Prism-sunbaenims right away. If they’re attacked from the outside, they will have to strengthen their internal unity.”
Taeui accepted my offer.
No, he eventually gave in to my threats.
‘Taeui betrayed his father because I threatened him.’
I thought Taeui would resent me greatly, but there was no sign of it at all. Rather than resenting me, he seemed more preoccupied with thoughts of his father. That guy was really too good for his own good, and that was his problem.
“It’s none of my concern if they use Jo Inchan-sunbaenim’s scandal or anything else. Prism and Kang Hyukwoo’s fates are tied together, but mine is not.”
“Are you saying that you’re going to turn Prism-sunbaenims into enemies on the surface? Han Seungbeom-nim, are you really okay with that!?”
“Now that I think about it, Lim Seunghoon is under the impression that I’m Seo Yutae-sunbaenim’s collaborator. Then that doesn’t make sense … or rather, maybe it not making sense could actually work to our advantage. It would sow confusion amongst them.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about right now!”
“You, are you fine?”
‘I must have been running around too frantically while trying to sort out Do Yuda’s issue.’
Then, it was suddenly clear to me the simple reason why Lee Hwayoung asked me that question.
He’s worrying for nothing again.
This guy has always been a worrywart since he was young, and even as he grew older, he was still just as bad.
“Of course, I’m fine.”
I pressed a finger firmly between his slightly furrowed brows.
And then, with a bright smile, I answered lightly.
“I’m so fine that it actually feels really strange.”
…Ah, for some reason, Lee Hwayoung’s expression seemed to worsen after hearing my answer.
I should hurry and go inside so he can rest.
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Translator’s Corner:
This arc is really long T_T the author so clever for forcing Pantheion into hiatus, we don’t see happiness … should’ve been Han Seungbeom instead so MC would rest for a month ….
But why you guys acted like I scammed you for saying this is healing novel !!! When I first picked this up, NU labeled this novel as Comedy genre … I’m the one who deleted it and changed the label to Psychological … I saved you from getting scammed …. this is true healing … but in Psychological genre …. you don’t see sunshine and rainbows in therapist office, you guys !!!
With that being said, I hope the sun shines brightly tomorrow … I can’t stand this arc with this depressing weather … I also need to go buy sweets to support my peace of mind …. let me have some sun ….