[BAEK KIRYANG’S POV]
I didn’t have much memories of the day Yuda got injured.
When I forced myself to recall it, I remembered the screams of other idols and Muses muffled behind covered mouths, and the frantic shouts of the production team, focused only on hiding the accident. My unusually sensitive hearing made the memory feel deafening.
“Kiryang-hyung, I’ll keep communicating with 119, so please stay by Seungbeom-hyung’s side and help him.”
Through my barely functioning hearing, I would sometimes catch the voices of my members calling me. Only then would I come to my senses and move as if under a spell.
The whole situation felt like something out of a dream. Should I say it lacked a sense of reality? It brought back the same anxiety and dread I felt when my grandfather collapsed and I called the ambulance. It was a feeling that, no matter how many times I went through it, never seemed to get any easier.
In those hazy memories, the only thing that remained clear was the faces of the members.
In contrast, my memories of Yuda were blurry.
I think it was because his unnaturally swollen ankle was so horrifying that I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him properly.
Kangwon-hyung, drenched in sweat from running back and forth between the stadium and the convenience store; Zen, frozen in shock at the sight of Yuda’s leg; Nicholas and Danbi, who seemed calm but was clearly more tense than usual. Even now, long after the accident had happened, I could vividly recall every one of my members’ faces.
It felt as though that incident had been etched into my mind as a kind of trauma.
But the one that remained the most vivid in my mind was Seungbeom’s face.
“…It’s okay. You will be okay.”
His face was deathly pale, his hands shaking uncontrollably, and his voice disturbingly unfamiliar—a side of him I’d never seen before. He looked so awful that anyone who hadn’t seen Yuda might have mistaken him for the injured one.
But he was compulsively administering first aid, without even realizing his own state.
He held Yuda’s leg, without even being able to look him in the eye.
He was more rational than anyone else in that moment, yet at the same time, no one was less rational than Han Seungbeom.
“Get something stiff that we can use as a splint, newspaper or anything like that, quickly!”
In that urgent voice, he would sometimes forget to add the honorific “
hyung
” when addressing Kangwon-hyung and me. The urgency of the situation must have been that bad to him.
It wasn’t anything new, as it was something I often experienced when I went to wake Seungbeom, who had barely fallen asleep late at night.
“…Baek Kiryang?”
Calling our names in a half-conscious, sleep-drunk state was something he often did.
Thankfully, under Seungbeom’s leadership, the situation was resolved for the time being, but the crisis that came to us didn’t end there.
“…Hyung, don’t wait for me and just proceed with the comeback. I’m okay.”
After the surgery, Yuda said that with a look of near resignation. The members’ reactions were nothing short of shocking. Their hearts, already shaken by the sudden accident, seemed to have cracked further.
“Oh dear, poor Kiryang-hyung … did Seungbeom-hyung bully you?”
“Kiryang-hyung has never made a pitch mistake on stage since the program began.”
How much comfort had I received from Yuda until now?
I wanted to avoid, by any means necessary, having to part ways with Yuda over something like this, especially not in this way.
If that kid, who had been the mood-maker of our group, were to disappear, would we really be able to continue enjoying our activities like we did before?
But even while having such thoughts, I couldn’t easily say things like “
It will be okay
” or “
Let’s not give up until the end
“. He was probably the one who wanted to stay more than anyone else, and thinking about how much anguish he must have gone through before those words came out made me feel like it would be a kind of deceit to say such things.
“Yu-chan, what do you mean…….”
Except for Zen, who was more of a friend than a
member
, no one else could bring themselves to speak first. But Seungbeom, after hearing those words directly from Yuda….
The agitation he had shown while administering first aid had completely disappeared, and he was very calm.
“Everyone, go out and grab something to eat.”
The members seemed quite anxious when they heard that.
We also had so many things we wanted to say to Yuda, but at this important moment, we were asked to leave the room. Even if we couldn’t say anything at the moment, we wanted to at least be there to see how it all concluded.
But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything more.
Everyone must have felt the same way.
“Just step outside for a moment. It’s fine.”
We couldn’t, because the voice that spoke those words sounded so broken, so far beyond his usual voice, that it was unrecognizable.
He must have strained his voice from shouting so desperately at the scene. Seungbeom usually spoke in a cynical tone, quietly, so I had a feeling his voice would suffer if he yelled like that, but the sound that came out was much worse than I expected, and the members could only hold their breath.
At the same time, there was a vague belief that someone like him wouldn’t treat this issue, his own member, with anything less than the gravity we felt. And just as importantly, there was a feeling that we didn’t want to burden him with any more worries. So, we decided to trust our leader and leave the moment in his hands.
“It’s fine. We won’t have any group activities without Do Yuda.”
After what felt like an eternity, Seungbeom finally stepped out of the hospital room, and what he said finally allowed us to breathe in relief. While Yuda and Seungbeom were talking, the members were actually coming to the conclusion; not that “
because our contract period is short, we have to proceed with the activities without Yuda
“, but rather that, “
because our contract period is short, we have to do the activities with Yuda all the more
“. However, it turned out Seungbeom already knew that.
The next day, when we immediately went to Yuda’s hospital room, he said this to us.
“Seungbeom-hyung said that if I apologized even once, he’d throw me out of the dorm. He was telling me not to feel guilty. His way of expressing himself is so rough that it’s making me dizzy, haha.”
“So, I won’t say I’m sorry for getting hurt. But I am sorry for saying I’d quit on my own … I should have talked it through with you guys. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I guess I panicked because I was scared of how people would react. And … thank you for helping me when I got injured.”
The anxiety that had clouded his eyes right after the surgery seemed to have disappeared. No, rather than saying it disappeared, it would be more accurate to say that
someone
had taken it away.
I had no doubt because I knew that if the same thing happened to me instead of Yuda, or to any other member, the leader of this team would react in exactly the same way.
We were being given such heavy trust and affection that it was almost suffocating.
Even though we had only spent about a year together, I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like if we were to lose him.
“Kiryang-hyung, I’m not resting right now.”
Yuda would often single me out among the members and say things like this.
Out of the three main vocalists in the group, Nicholas had a vocal that was best suited for performance, so he pointed to me as the only one left.
“You’d better be nervous. I’m definitely not going to lose.”
On the surface, it seemed like a declaration of war against me, but I could tell right away that it wasn’t. It was much closer to pushing himself mercilessly to avoid wasting his brief recovery period and falling into stagnation. He was setting this intention in stone before me, a witness, so that he wouldn’t falter and back down.
‘…He probably did it because he wanted to repay the trust Seungbeom had given him.’
He was staring right at me, but his eyes seemed to be gazing into something much farther away. It gave me a sudden sense of fear, like I was being pursued. Yet, despite that fear, a surge of competitiveness that even I couldn’t understand was growing within me……
“I’ll do it. I want to do it.”
I impulsively accepted the offer to sing the OST.
Seeing Yuda about to take on a new challenge by performing at the rock festival, I couldn’t just stay still. I was having doubts about whether I had made the right choice, wondering if I’d bitten off more than I could chew just because I was afraid of being left behind. It was during this internal debate that Seungbeom said this to me,
“If you’re feeling anxious, you need to face it head-on. You know well enough that running away won’t make you feel better, so wasn’t that why you impulsively accepted it?”
“…And it’s not like you’re all that scared anyway.”
If I ran away, that feeling would follow me to the end, but if I faced it head-on and one side broke, I wouldn’t be chased by it anymore. The moment I heard that answer, I felt as if it had struck right at my core, and at the same time, a sense of relief washed over me, unraveling the knot that had been weighing me down.
“Give it a try, hyung. I don’t think there’s anything about you that’s lacking.”
And that challenge I took on gave me so much in return.
“Kiryang-ssi, your pitch and tempo are so precise that you perfectly convey exactly what the composer intended. How do you instantly understand and adjust every little thing I say so flawlessly? You’re seriously incredible.”
The assurance that my years of practice hadn’t been a waste, the confidence that I now had the skill to connect with the audience.
“The composer of Pantheion must feel quite proud to have you, Kiryang-ssi.”
And I gained the accomplishment of proving that Seungbeom’s judgment was right, that I had lived up to his trust.
But at the same time, I thought that
this was enough
.
I had already absorbed all the practices I had done so far, so I decided it was time to stop.
“I’ll do it again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t like it, so I’ll do it again.”
I even felt a thirst to grab something even greater. I started thinking that I wanted to be able to present him something I had accomplished on my own, not something he had guided me to.
I made up my mind to change myself.
“Pantheion, please standby!”
While I was calmly gathering my thoughts backstage, I noticed Trainer Frick passing by. Almost without thinking, I instinctively called him.
“Trainer-nim.”
Then, the other person stopped walking.
The face I once found difficult to even look at was now frozen in surprise, as if shocked that I had called out to him. I looked at him calmly and began to speak.
“…Do I still seem lacking in your eyes, Trainer-nim?”
He gave a short, amused laugh, as if wondering why I was asking such a strange thing. Then, in the same tone as back then, he answered,
“You’re still a bit lacking. If you don’t want to be overshadowed by the other members, you’ll need to practice harder. I’m just telling you this as a mentor because I think you want an honest answer. It’s for your own good.”
I laughed when I heard that.
And then, with a beaming smile, I replied.
“…Thank you, for saying that.”
Strangely, I found myself laughing.
Even though the other person looked bewildered by my reaction, I was fine with that.
Just a year ago, before I met Seungbeom, I was so afraid of being attacked by someone who had the power to determine my fate and value.
“Didn’t I always advise you? That your environment shapes who you are.”
Every single word he spoke seemed to reopen even the deepest wounds others had inflicted on me. Back then, I trembled like prey trapped in the jaws of a predator, but now … it was a truly strange thing.
“Pantheion, taking the stage! 3, 2, 1!”
I felt like even if this person were to attack me now, it wouldn’t feel anything at all.
‘There’s no way my singing is lacking right now.’
Because I knew his words were full of lies.
‘I’ve never been lacking, not then, not now.’
I’m not scared anymore.
Not by my pathetic past self, not by the people who wounded me.
“Why should I worry? I don’t have any reason to. Am I right?”
I still wasn’t sure what exactly this ‘courage’ people were talking about, but ……. seeing people who cherished me more than I cherished myself made me want to cherish myself too.
“Waaaaaah!”
“Baek Kiryang!”
I will always shine for them. I will never doubt myself anymore.
For the fans who love me, for the members who stay by my side.
And for
you
, who guided me to become the person I am today.
“Let the waves crash
So that it can swallow up the sky.”
Because that’s the way of living you taught me.
[END OF BAEK KIRYANG’S POV]
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Translator’s Corner:
Day 18 hmm …
I’m bad at translating lyrics because I hate changing the original sentence structure too much, meanwhile all these korean lyrics are awkward when turned into english without changing … but anyway the idea is, just let the waves hit you so it will swallow up even the sky up. You know, ocean waves, when really big, gave the illusion of touching or even covering the sky ….