[JO INCHAN’S POV]
Chise-hyung sent me a text.
[Chise-hyung: Inchan-ah, you know my album did well this time, right? I’m thinking of gathering the members and throwing a party, so come by and show your face at least.]
[Chise-hyung: I already had a separate get-together with the other involved people. This time, it’s just us members at my studio. You know how our kids have no social skills. So, you too, don’t feel burdened and just come.]
[Chise-hyung: Oh, by the way, one more person will be there besides Prism, so don’t be surprised! His name is Han Seungbeom, he’s the one who composed the title track. I’m sure you’ll like him when you meet him.]
“…Han Seungbeom?”
I muttered the name unintentionally when I saw it in the text.
It was the name of the kid I ran into on the day I went to the hospital for a check-up with the doctor who performed my surgery.
I’d heard that a member of his group had injured his leg and undergone surgery. It was impossible not to know since SNS and news articles were all talking about it so carelessly. I knew that once something like that happened, everyone in the group would be on edge, and outsiders would be better off keeping their mouths shut. Just like I had done. So, I tried to act like I knew nothing.
But the pale face that briefly passed me by looked too much like the first person I saw after my surgery, Yutae-hyung.
“Stop, Seungbeom-ssi.”
For some reason, I couldn’t just leave him alone.
But the face I forcibly turned toward me crumbled into an even more miserable state the moment our eyes met.
His once nonchalant voice was now shaking terribly, and his large eyes couldn’t meet mine even for a second.
The Han Seungbeom I’d seen on TV and heard about from others was nothing like this. It was really strange. Was the member’s injury that traumatic? He looked like someone who had completely lost their mind.
…Was Yutae-hyung in that state too?
When I got injured.
I had no idea.
I was so distraught at the time that my perception of everything was twisted.
When someone passing by burst into laughter, I felt like they were laughing at me, and whenever people gathered to talk, I was convinced they were gossiping about me.
“Cha Woon is already an all-rounder in singing and dancing, yet he got greedy and started learning composition too. Lee Chise won a hip-hop program, so there’s nothing more to say there … Seo Yuseong even took first place in a competition show featuring veteran singers. Namgung Yihwon … ah, right, that bastard would act like a madman if we called him like that. Well, Nam Yihwon is a genius actor with a famous actress for a mother and a renowned film director for a father. Even Jay, who used to be in the same loser group as you, is now rising fast under Seo Yutae’s coaching. So, what are you doing? Well, I guess you finally have an excuse now. You can just go around telling people you can’t dance because you got injured.”
“Hey, want me to let you in on a secret? Do you know why Seo Yutae created Prism? It was because of Jay. I asked him multiple times to form a group, but he kept refusing … until Jay was about to get kicked out. That’s when he finally gave in.”
“Go ask Seo Yutae. ‘Why did you put me in this group?’, then he’ll tell you. You were just thrown in to fill the numbers. But if someone as useless as you keeps causing problems like this, wouldn’t he get annoyed? He might kick you out soon.”
Back then, what really sealed it for me was hearing those words from Kang Hyukwoo. I suddenly recalled something Yutae-hyung had told me a few years ago.
“Jay might not have a natural talent for singing or dancing like Lee Chise or Seo Yuseong, but … he’s very quick-witted. If there is something he wants, he’ll do whatever it takes to get it. And that kind of drive is a talent in its own right.”
“He’s got potential, that brat. But since no one else seems to recognize it, I’m going to raise him well myself.”
I began to feel increasingly anxious that what Kang Hyukwoo said might be true.
Even though I told myself it couldn’t be true, the look in Yutae-hyung’s eyes as he stared down at me in the hospital room made me feel like he was calling me ‘
an useless guy
‘.
“…….”
Like shattered glass, my vision was filled with cracks, and through them, I saw that expression—full of disappointment and contempt. How many times had I imagined it? The thing I feared most was being seen that way by Yutae-hyung, of all people.
Facing him, I felt like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff. In the end…….
“Hyung, why on earth did you put me in this group? Was it to torment me?”
I was so afraid of getting hurt that I ended up hurting my hyung.
And by hurting him, I ended up hurting myself more than anything.
“Where are you going? You’ve been keeping your mouth shut this whole time, so why are you acting like this all of a sudden?!”
My actions were truly pointless and selfish.
Only then did I realize that I wanted to be in Prism because of my hyung, and I also wanted to run away from Prism because of him.
‘…How deep are you going to dig?’
I must have been unconsciously equating Han Seungbeom with Yutae-hyung. Realizing my thoughts had wandered too far just at the mention of Han Seungbeom’s name, I squeezed my eyes shut.
[Me: Sorry. I have something to do this time too, so I can’t make it]
And just as I was typing out my usual rejection, a new text arrived.
[Chise-hyung: I really want to be congratulated by you this time. I was so hoping to show you I’d finally overcome my slump.]
“…….”
“Where are you going?”
After pondering for a long time, I grabbed my coat and put it on, and Kang Hyukwoo, who was next to me, stopped me.
I flinched at his question and answered in a small voice.
“…Chise-hyung’s studio. He told me he’s having a celebration party.”
“I told you not to meet up with the Prism members too often. Who’s going to be there?”
“Just, the members of Prism … and Han Seungbeom-ssi. I’ll just drop by to see Chise-hyung for a moment. I won’t do anything foolish.”
If I lied, I had no idea when he’d use it against me later. So I just told him exactly what Chise-hyung had said. Kang Hyukwoo stared straight at me without even a blink.
“…Han Seungbeom?”
As I avoided his creepy gaze at every angle, Kang Hyukwoo snickered.
Then, he waved his hand.
“Well, that’s okay. You did give me some good info, after all. Go say hi since it’s been a while … Just be careful not to get into an accident.”
***
I had arranged to meet Chise-hyung a bit away from the studio to avoid running into the other members, but no matter how long I waited, he didn’t show up.
‘…Why isn’t he coming?’
Did he forget?
Yes, he could have forgotten about me while having fun.
I’m sure he’ll remember me again soon.
With that thought, I started waiting again.
After quite some time had passed, the inside of my knee started to throb.
It’s just the weather. Let’s wait a little longer. I want to congratulate him.
After repeating that process a few times, I finally made up my mind.
‘…Let’s go back.’
Creak.
I returned home.
Water kept dripping from my bouquet and clothes, leaving the entrance damp with puddles.
It didn’t feel like I had been standing there for more than a few minutes, so how did I end up this drenched? I thought to myself as I reluctantly walked to the bathroom.
Should I take off my clothes?
Or should I keep them on?
Chise-hyung might remember me and ask me to come back, but if I changed into indoor clothes, it could take longer for me to head out again.
‘What time is it?’
I didn’t keep a clock in the house, so I had no way of knowing the time. I belatedly took out my phone to check, but the screen wouldn’t turn on. The battery seemed to have died.
‘…I’m out of battery.’
I should have at least tried calling. Why didn’t I think of that?
It had already been years since I stopped reaching out to the members first, and I’d fallen into such a habit of avoiding their calls, so the very idea of calling them had become unfamiliar. Or maybe I had simply gotten stupid.
The thought of going up to the studio crossed my mind. But the thought of the members welcoming me warmly scared me. Yutae-hyung was already dead, so I could never be forgiven for what I had done. That was the reality. But I also knew that if I saw the members, I’d be tempted to lean on their kindness and dare to wish for forgiveness.
“It was recorded on video, so you’ll never escape. We’re in this together, whether we live or die.”
“If the members find out what you did, there’s no way they’ll look at you the same way as before. The public will be the same.”
“Inchan-ah, do you want your members to end up in the same mess as you?”
And with this tainted body, I feared I would shamelessly stain the very home they lived in, turning it pitch black.
I plugged my phone into the charger and once it was charged enough to turn it on, the screen finally lit up.
[3:47]
‘Two hours…….’
The time I was finally able to see was much later than I expected.
Since it was already this late, Chise-hyung might have dozed off. Thinking that brought me a bit of comfort, which made me happy. It gave me one more reason to believe he hadn’t deliberately ignored my messages.
However, just as I was thinking that, I saw a series of missed calls stacked up on my screen, all within the past twenty minutes.
He wasn’t asleep
, while I was having this thought, my phone rang.
Beeeeeeep!
As I hesitated over whether to answer or not, a droplet of water ran down the back of my hand and accidentally pressed the accept button. Then, Chise-hyung’s panicked voice came through the speaker.
“Inchan-ah!”
“…Hyung.”
“I’m really sorry, I couldn’t come out. There was a situation.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t wait long and just headed back.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I have something to do tomorrow, so I couldn’t wait long.”
I said it because I didn’t want to make Chise-hyung feel guilty. But deep inside, a question crept up,
‘Isn’t it simply because you don’t want to show your pathetic appearance to the members?
‘. As I hesitated and stepped back, my cold, stiff knee joint creaked like rusted iron.
The horrible sensation made me remember something I’d forgotten.
‘Ah, the hospital.’
My knee was hurting again, so I had to go to the hospital.
I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for actually having a plausible excuse.
“So, don’t feel too sorry about it. If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I came home without even letting you know. My battery died, so my phone turned off.”
Relieved that I hadn’t lied, the corners of my lips lifted slightly. Perhaps noticing the subtle change in my voice, Chise-hyung let out a quiet sigh of relief. It was a good thing he couldn’t see my face over the phone.
“No, no. Thank goodness you didn’t wait long. I was worried about you being out in the rain, especially with your knee. I want to come to you right now, but Jay’s condition isn’t good, so I can’t leave.”
‘Ah, so that’s why he couldn’t go out.’
I faked a calm voice and opened my mouth.
“I see. Take good care of Jay. He’s got a bad hangover.”
“What? No, it’s not like that…….”
The wilted bouquet, soaked and ruined by the rain, lay trampled at my feet. I stared at it for a moment before quickly turning away. It felt like a desperate plea for someone to notice how broken it had become, and the sight unsettled me.
I should send a new one.
This time, something clean, and something that doesn’t need to be delivered by me.
“Flowers, I’ll send them to you again. Congratulations on your first place.”
“Inchan-ah!”
After adding some meaningless words, I unilaterally pressed the call end button.
Once I ended the call, I stared blankly into the mirror and muttered to myself.
“…When did I become so hideous?”
I suddenly started to feel cold.
My teeth chattered as my wet clothes continued to steal my body heat. I didn’t even have time to take them off, so I rushed into the bathtub and turned on the hot water.
Just as I heard a sound like flesh scraping against something, I suddenly came to my senses.
At some point, the water that had filled the bathtub to the brim had spilled over, splashing onto the floor.
When I turned off the faucet, which had been gushing water, an eerie silence filled the room. And then, as if I couldn’t cut myself any slack, my own voice started to berate me in my head.
‘Did he just forget about me?’
…Stop.
‘The members would be happier without me.’
I have to stop thinking.
No matter how hard I resisted, the negative thoughts spread uncontrollably, like a wildfire. I couldn’t bear it any longer, so I squeezed my eyes shut and quickly submerged my head under the water. Immediately, my ears filled with water, and everything went dark.
It was quiet.
“…….”
I blinked and opened my eyes, but instead of a bathtub, there was a vast ocean before me.
And there was a huge, beautiful whale, gliding through the vastness of the ocean as if it were its own home. Faced with its majestic presence, I was captivated without a chance to resist and followed it without a second thought.
I thought I had given everything I had, using every last ounce of my strength to roam the ocean with it.
But I wasn’t.
I was nothing more than a small fish, taking shelter on the back of a giant whale to survive the fierce currents.
The moment I realized that, I stabbed the whale to death with my own hands.
It happened before I was even aware of it.
And then, I was left alone in the cold ocean.
‘…How do I breathe underwater again?’
As I panicked at the sight of my hands, dyed in crimson, that question suddenly crossed my mind.
Gulp.
All the air in my mouth escaped.
I couldn’t breathe.
It felt as though even the fact that I was a fish was a lie.
“Cough! Gah! … Ugh! Cough!”
As soon as I lifted my head out of the water, I coughed violently, spitting up the water that had traveled up my airway. Leaning my arms against the edge of the bathtub, I gasped for air so desperately that my lungs ached.
Then, covering my ears with my hands, I let out the same scream.
“Save me, hyung…….”
[END OF JO INCHAN’S POV]
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Translator’s Corner:
This chapter’s song theme, DAY6 – Afraid : )
The you who said the sky was beautiful, are now walking looking only at the ground … what should I do …. you, who are hurting because of me … what should I do … me, who would hurt without you…. omg DAY6 wrote this song for them
Prism almost have to attend another funeral … I just know they look all dashing in black
I want to say they need to go to group therapy, but I think they would make the therapist has to go to theraphy ……
Anyway, Mr. Delivery found me T_T I think he asked around asdfghjkl I’M SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOUR JOB DIFFICULT, I DIDN’T MEAN TO T_T Hope you will always be blessed T_T