[NAM YIHWON’S POV]
Han Seungbeom had an appearance that was the polar opposite of Yutae-hyung’s.
If you didn’t have a high level of understanding of
Seo Yutae
, you would be so distracted by the differences in appearance that you would never notice the similarities between Han Seungbeom and Seo Yutae.
For example, the size.
Han Seungbeom wasn’t short by any means. When standing with people who weren’t members of Pantheion, he was considered quite tall. But Yutae-hyung had the kind of stature that would make all eyes turn to him whenever he walked down the hallway of the broadcasting station, making Han Seungbeom look small in comparison. And then, there were also his extremely skinny arms and legs.
The same could be said for their facial features. No matter how much Han Seungbeom was criticized for looking
cold
due to his blunt expression and sharp impression, it still couldn’t compare to my hyung.
If Han Seungbeom had the impression of soft, piled-up snow, Seo Yutae was someone who seemed to embody the essence of a dark, starless night sky. His dark eyes were fierce. His nose and jawline were sharply defined, as if sculpted with a knife. His skin was pale, devoid of any color. His hair was completely black, unlike the typical black-brown hair of East Asians. Even his style seemed to reflect that he didn’t care about what others thought of him. Every element of his being created an otherworldly aura, making him feel
foreign
, not quite human.
In the first place, Han Seungbeom’s appearance was much closer to that of a pretty man than a handsome man
1
. How could anyone look at him and think of a man who grew his hair that long but never heard a single joke about him being ‘
pretty
‘ or ‘
lovely
‘?
However, this was only the case for those who didn’t know much about Seo Yutae.
If you had more than a passing relationship with Seo Yutae, you’d probably tilted your head at the sight of Han Seungbeom at least once. Someone with keen observational skills, like Jay, would have been even more suspicious.
Because Seo Yutae was as special on the inside as he was on the outside.
Thinking about the acts he put on to pretend to be
Han Seungbeom
, I couldn’t help but laugh. If he was that desperate to keep it a secret, at the very least, he should have stuck to not caring about what happened to Prism, even if everything else was set aside. If he’d just done that one thing, we would never have suspected Han Seungbeom’s true identity. I didn’t understand why he had to be so foolish.
‘…The reason they felt so similar was ultimately because of this.’
I had been lost in thought, dazed, ever since Cha Woon began rambling on.
“Hwon-ah!”
“…I’m sorry.”
No, maybe my mind had been sluggish, as if I’d been struck on the back of the head, ever since I heard that voice.
“It’s been a while.”
And with his words that didn’t deny he was Seo Yutae, every single horrible remark I had ever thrown at ‘
Han Seungbeom
‘ began flooding back into my mind.
“Hey … are you really that slow? Do you really care that much about whether the person who’s f*cking cursing at you has eaten or not?”
I said that because I couldn’t stand the sight of him stubbornly trying to make sure I ate.
Even that about him reminded me too much of Seo Yutae, and I hated it.
I felt a surge of anger at the thought that there was no way he could be this similar unless he was deliberately imitating him. Han Seungbeom started to look just like all the others who had tried to take advantage of us.
And when I realized that, deep down, a part of me didn’t want to reject him, I felt disgusted with myself. So I expressed my rejection more strongly, as if putting on a show for someone. I hoped that by doing so, the suffocating guilt pressing down on me would ease, even just a little.
“What are you? Some kind of Seo Yutae copycat? And my members are so overjoyed to find someone similar to him that they can’t think straight?”
I’d known all along that the reason Chise-hyung called Han Seungbeom to the studio was for the album.
In truth, the one I found truly pathetic wasn’t the members—it was myself.
I was afraid of becoming the ‘
traitor who’s happy to have found a similar person
‘.
“I guess it makes you feel better to waste your life imitating dead people. But no matter how desperately you try, you’re nothing more than a substitute. Even if you die, you’ll never be Seo Yutae. Why? Because Seo Yutae is dead. He’s been turned to ashes and placed in that urn! He’ll never come back.”
I told myself that Seo Yutae was already gone, that he could never return, and that I should never expect Han Seungbeom to fill the void he left behind. I said those words to carve that truth into my mind. But even that didn’t feel like enough, so I decided to visit the charnel house. I needed to see the urn holding his ashes with my own eyes to finally let him go.
And yet, I ended up drinking again, trying to escape the reality of it all.
Alcohol and anger were my escape.
“Your father kept causing trouble when he got drunk, and I was so ashamed that I risked my entire career to divorce him! I fought tooth and nail to recover, but now you’re constantly causing trouble too! Are you doing this on purpose just to torment me? Do you want to see me die? Please, don’t ruin my reputation. If this happens again, I swear I’ll give up on everything and just die!”
“When you see the director, smile brightly and greet them. Whatever instructions they give you, don’t show a displeased expression. And don’t cry. Got it? You have to make Mom proud. You must never become like your father.”
“Every time I see your name, it reminds me of that man, and it disgusts me. He just seems so pathetic and incompetent.”
Watching my father escape his inferiority complex towards my mother by drinking every day, and seeing my mother take out her frustrations by yelling at me, I swore I would never become like either of them……
“…Are you doing this to torment me, to make me kill myself? Is that it?”
But without realizing it, I had become just like both of them.
If I had been just a little more honest, a little more careful, I would have seen where that arrow was truly meant to go. Why was this so difficult for me when the other members handled it so well? I was too weak and cowardly to bear the emotions and responsibilities that were rightfully mine, and in the end, I hurt an innocent person.
And that ‘
innocent person
‘ was someone I should never have hurt.
‘Does regretting it now undo what I’ve done?’
Why did you leave us? If you were having a hard time, are you okay now?
I had a million questions I wanted to ask him. But I had no idea how to act in this situation. The sight of the members hugging each other was right in front of me, yet my legs refused to move.
‘Should I ask for forgiveness?’
If I begged for forgiveness, I was sure he would say “
It’s okay
” immediately.
Because I knew his affection, I could only stand there like a sinner, unable to even approach his side.
It was obvious why someone as kind as Seo Yutae wouldn’t be the first to say, ‘
You don’t have to apologize
‘. He probably didn’t even realize that I was feeling guilty toward him. Because the thought that what I had done to him was wrong didn’t exist in his mind to begin with.
‘…He’s really consistent.’
Seo Yutae’s affection was still rough and difficult, too much for me to bear.
But if it disappeared, I knew I’d long for it terribly, and if it appeared before me again, even for a moment, I’d be desperate to hold on to it.
“…….”
I couldn’t understand Seo Yutae as a person.
Regardless of the trust, closeness, and gratitude I felt toward him.
I thought over and over again about the reason for the subtle sense of
foreignness
that didn’t go away despite the long time we spent together, but in the end, I spent years without finding an answer. It was only after he left, after I spent a meaningless time retracing all the moments we had spent together in regret, that I finally figured out the reason.
There was always something twisted in Seo Yutae’s words and actions.
Of all the people I had ever encountered, he was the least suited to the word ‘
ordinary
‘, so in a way, it was to be expected. But this was a completely separate issue from his talent or reputation.
He was far more affectionate than necessary, and he possessed a self-sacrificial nature that bordered on obsession.
He was willing to sacrifice everything to protect those he held in his arms, and his standard for judging threats was solely based on whether the people he cherished were hurt. And even if they were to stab him one day, he would quietly accept it and let them go, without a hint of resentment.
There was something strange about Seo Yutae’s affection that was impossible to call normal.
Even the smallest details that leaked into his everyday life.
Whenever we were about to go out, even if he was asleep, he would wake up, blinking drowsily, just to fix our clothes. During meals, he’d instinctively put side dishes on our spoons. His habit of absentmindedly touching others or being unable to focus on his own meal must have stemmed from that.
And if you traced the roots of those behaviors, you would always find Seo Yuseong there.
From the time his four-year-younger brother entered middle school, then high school, and finally became a respectable adult, the older brother’s attitude remained completely unchanged. He was more like a parent than a brother.
“Seo Yuseong lost his mother at a young age. If I want him to feel even half the love he never received, I have to do my best.”
“If there’s something he’s lacking by birth, I can teach him step by step. No matter what our father or those other bastards say, I will never abandon Seo Yuseong.”
Seo Yutae was someone who possessed a strength that kept him from faltering, even after weathering hardships that would have broken most people from a young age. And I knew that it all began with his mother’s death and his desire to protect his younger brother.
“You know what? My brother still unconsciously imitates the speech habits our mother used to have. It’s not like I ever really felt her absence or needed her … but my brother seemed so desperate that I just pretended not to notice. It seemed like that was his way of holding on.”
“Actually, I’m kind of happy about it. Because it means my brother needs me just as much as I need him.”
Seo Yuseong had also said something like that before, so this line of thinking must be correct.
A person’s character was shaped over the long journey of life, and life itself could be explained by the wounds they had endured. In the end, whether they wanted to or not, humans were creatures who, unconsciously, were influenced by their own deficiencies and scars in their actions and words. And my hyung was no exception.
In the end, Seo Yutae’s abnormally self-sacrificial affection stemmed from the wounds of his childhood and the years he spent struggling to cope with them.
It wasn’t that all the affection Seo Yutae poured into the members was solely because of Seo Yuseong. Seo Yutae was inherently kind by nature, so even if he had grown up receiving love in a normal family as an only child, he would have still cherished us in his own way.
It was just that, knowing the pathological level of tolerance within Seo Yutae’s affection was at least somewhat tied to his wounds and deficiencies, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was right to so easily lean into it.
“…….”
Weighed down by these thoughts, I was about to leave the room when my hyung, groaning as he struggled to handle Cha Woon and Yoo Jay clinging to him like leeches, called out my name, “Hwon-ah.”
“Don’t run off again. If you do, I’ll have to go after you again.”
And to what he said next, I pressed my lips together and lowered my head.
Then, not long after, I suddenly heard something I had never expected.
“Thank you.”
As I blankly lifted my head at that, my hyung gave an awkward smile and continued speaking.
“I saw you won the award. I told you to continue acting … Thank you for making sure I wouldn’t regret it.”
“…….”
“Giving up something you really like because of your parents is a bit of a waste, isn’t it? It was more fun than you expected, right?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say in response.
As I remained silent, along with a light wave of his hand, I heard a remarkably affectionate voice once again.
“Come here.”
As if spellbound by his words, I obediently followed his gesture, taking one step at a time until I was close to him, and then I bowed my head again. Then, his hand roughly ruffled my hair.
“You did well. I’m proud of you.”
Hearing his voice, it felt as if the knot in my heart had suddenly unraveled.
And I thought to myself,
how could I possibly judge this sincere and honest heart as wrong, based only on my own standards?
Even if it was twisted, it was still a clear affection without any trace of lies. It was the way my hyung had learned to love, built piece by piece through a life full of stumbling blocks.
I couldn’t let go of this…….
“…Hyung.”
“Yes.”
[END OF NAM YIHWON’S POV]
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Translator’s Corner:
Pretty man here is actually
미인
(mi-in)
, while handsome man is direct translation for
미남 (mi-nam)
.
미남
is actually more like “Beautiful person”, it gender-neutral term but actually mostly used for women, since for men you can just use
미남
. ↩︎
Me … this is supposed to be a small, indie … translation blog …. why suddenly there’s a lot of people … I’m dizzy … notifications keep coming in …. watching the amount of comments in a day ………. it used to be me and 5 other people ….. why everyone keeps reading nonstop and catching up so fast ….. where did everyone find this anyway … don’t people usually got turned off from the mention that MC commited in the synopsis alone……
Anyway … I refused to wake up to a new heated reply sections in the morning, so I turned on the moderator mode every night I’m going to sleep ….. please be civils to each other ….. I’m an INFP …..
sigh I wish I could just skip the next chapter and go straight to chapter 240 … but I guess I’ll just look for ice cream tomorrow to calm my blood pressure .