Oscar Ward
The best thing about being the only one with a green lantern ring is that nobody gets to tell you what counts as an acceptable use of said ring. I stand in my kitchen, staring at the TV while a glowing green duplicate of myself flips eggs. Best part? It’s not even a wasteful use of my ring.
Current Charge: 93%.
Life is good.
The construct catches the toast as it pops up, and begins to butter it. Honestly, humanity would’ve achieved world peace centuries ago if everyone had access to hard-light servants. I fix my eyes on the coffee mug and point my fist. A hazy green aura envelops the handle, then thickens. I pull it towards me, carefully not to spill it, and take a sip. The television flickers quietly in the background.
“...and in other news, Fight Force have officially welcomed their newest member, and distant relative of the dear departed Martian Man, Shapesmith!”
I burn my tongue. The television switches to footage of Shapesmith enthusiastically waving at cameras. It’s not been long since Mars. I’m definitely surprised to see him in hero gear already. He’s not disguised as Rus Livingstone, now that he lacks any reason to.
“How are you adjusting to life on Earth so far, Shapesmith?”
“...Ooh, it’s lovely!~ I’m particularly fond of your pets. What do you call them? Dogs? We have Sequids on Mars. They’re not nearly the same. Your dogs are far cuter.”
…I’d hope so. Sequids are basically tentacle brains.
“And the superhero life? How are you finding it?”
“I’m also particularly fond of my suit. The material is somewhat tight, though. I’ve heard they are worn not only for athletic purposes, but to show off well-defined musculature and voluptuousness to ensnare the—”
The news anchor hurriedly cuts away. I laugh so hard I nearly drop my mug. The broadcast continues. There’s a brief segment about a llama somehow ending up inside a bank. I carry my breakfast into the living room. The construct of myself, dressed solely in my underwear, pulls out my chair.
I sit and point my fork at it. “You spoil me.”
It smirks and gives me a little bow as it fades away.
Current Charge: 92%.
The first bite barely reaches my mouth before my phone rings.
“Robot?” I swallow. “Morning.”
“Good morning. I require assistance.”
There goes breakfast.
“...What’s happened?”
“Emergency situation downtown with the Lizard League. The Guardians are currently engaged.”
“I’m on my way.”
“Thank you.”
The call ends.
I look at my eggs.
I look at the phone.
I look back at my eggs.
“...Ring, can I afford to wait five minutes?”
Searching public databases…
Negative. King Lizard is reported to be turning humans into snake-human hybrids by reputable news sources.
I sigh. Green light erupts around me as the Green Lantern armour clamps on over my underwear. I dip into my inventory and bring out the GDA earpiece. The balcony door slides open. It just so happens that I live maybe a handful of minutes of flight from the downtown area anyway.
Gee, I wonder why, Cecil?
“Kid?”
“FUCK!”
I barrel roll into the side of a building.
…Holy fuck.
Snake-human hybrid is accurate, but it does not do it justice. There’s an assortment of spandex-wearing loons engaging the new Guardians, sure… alongside standard goons. Though they’re smart enough to avoid the superheroes and instead stand guard around the blond man in spandex firing at civilians. The green ray from his weapon envelops a civilian, and when its sickly light fades, she’s vaguely human from the waist up and covered in scales.
“Do not flee! I, King Lizard, grant you plebeians the honour of being made in my image!”
…Ah, so he’s King Lizard. Good to know.
“Cecil! Tell me you’ve got a way to turn them back!”
“...We do. Just help the New Guardians, will you? Casualties are through the roof.”
Instead of stopping the lunatic with the gun, the Guardians are being completely held down.
Well, not completely.
Kate’s clones are fighting the goons in an attempt to reach the gun. I’m pretty sure one of her clones is a snake-person now, not that it’s stopping her from kicking ass. The rest are off fighting their own individual fights with the… what did Robot call them again, Ring?
The Lizard League.
…A stupid, but on-brand name.
I shoot forward just as King Lizard fires into another crowd. The green beam slams into a woman. Or at least, it tries to. A construct dinner plate appears between them. The beam hits, and the plate turns into a see-through green snake. The snake immediately falls to the pavement, shattering.
...Huh. Did I just save that woman with a plate? Why was that my first reaction?
“WHO ARE YOU?!” King Lizard screeches.
“Green Lantern. Now, gimme the snake-ray and turn yourself in.”
His eyes narrow. “This is the Snake-Erator, simpleton! Passed down to me by my mother: Queen Lizard!”
There’s a joke somewhere in the back of my mind. Unfortunately the car alarm blaring behind me ensures I’ll never think it up. I turn to see a city bus out of control and on its way to collide with the side of a building. The driver within is splayed out across his seat, thoroughly unconscious, with all the passengers inside.
“FUCK.”
The bus hits a wrecked sedan and starts to tip sideways. Its windows threaten to shatter. The vehicle’s maybe seconds away from rolling. I look between them and King Lizard. He lifts his snake-gun and aims at me. I fire a green jet, knocking the weapon out of his hands. Instead of dissipating, the blast lingers, turning elastic.
King Snake gawks.
“Mine now!” I yank on the beam. The snake-gun slaps into the palm of my hand. “That’s it for you. Sit here and behave yourself. I’ve got a bus full of people to save. And never forget! Bungee Gum possesses the properties of both rubber and gum!”
Current Charge: 90.4%.
“...What?”
A Kate clone smashes a fist into his face, knocking him out cold. She wipes the blood from her knuckles and smiles, duplicating herself until she outnumbers the goons completely. A clone jogs up to me.
“Get the bus! I’ve got these guys.”
I blast off and thrust a hand forward. My aura swells into a gigantic emerald hand. It catches the bus mid-roll. Several dozen civilians stare out the windows. A little kid presses his face against the glass, flashing me an elated grin.
Current Charge: 91%.
“Everybody alright in there?”
I carefully rotate the construct. The bus slowly turns upright and the screaming tones down a bit. People pour out of the bus and scramble to safety, carrying the unconscious driver with them. One old lady gives me a thumbs up that I immediately return.
Current Charge: 93%.
The ring hums warmly against my finger. God, that’s satisfying. An explosion rocks the street behind me. I glance back. The Guardians are, by all accounts, winning… but that’s about the only praise I can give them. Now, I’m no career superhero, but even I can see that they’re fucking up. To mention nothing about King Snake and his…
…I still don’t remember what he called this thing. I shove the snake-ray into my inventory.
Point is, this is bad. Not catastrophic. Just bad, and the kind of bad where everyone survives, but nobody looks competent doing it. I rise above the street. A truck immediately explodes thanks to Monster Girl hurling her opponent through it.
“...I guess they don’t need my help any more? Hey, Cecil. I’ve got his gun. Guess what he called it!”
“...I know what he called it, Lantern. Now, drop it off to the casualty response team when they arrive, will you? And attend the debrief. Maybe you can knock some sense into ‘em.”
With the Lizard League defeated, the new Guardians seem pretty happy with themselves… all except their glorious leader, of course.
I snort.
“What?”
“Nothing. I think Samson’s got it covered, but why not? I’ll come watch him tear them a new one.”
【—〄—】
The Guardians HQ is surprisingly well-ventilated and not at all freezing considering it’s inside a mountain in Utah. Throwbolt meets my gaze and pulls her lips into a thin line. We’re huddled in a loose semicircle after the reaming Black Samson gave us. Or, well, them, and the mood is absolutely shit.
Rex kicks the railing to my left with a scowl.
“...Fucking bald asshole.”
Kate sighs.
He turns his scowl on her. “What? Tell me I’m wrong!”
“You’re wrong,” Robot says. “Black Samson made an impartial assessment of our performance today.”
“Well nobody’s asking you, Robot!”
Throwbolt frowns. “No need to be an asshole yourself, dude.”
“It’s Rex,” Shrinking Rae says with a snort. “He failed that task the moment he said his first words.”
“You know it, baby! But seriously… where does he get off talking down to us like he wasn’t there? Does he think he’d be able to beat the Lizard League by himself with that suit of his?”
“...That’s not the point,” Throwbolt says. She runs a hand through her hair, clutching a fistful. “You know that, right?”
“No!” Rex says mockingly. “His point was to kiss Lantern’s ass for half an hour straight. ‘You see this save? When he magicked up a gigantic dildo to stop that bus and rammed it up my ass afterwards?’ I mean does he even listen to himself?!”
Kate laughs, then stops to glare at Rex in admonishment. Monster Girl throws her head back and cackles. Rae snorts and Throwbolt is fighting a smile.
“...You prick,” I snicker. “To this day, I’ve not created a single dildo with my power ring!”
Rex grins. “To this day? You mean you plan to? Specially-commissioned by Black Samson, maybe?”
…Fuck, that was funny. And fuck him for being a funny prick. Still, it’s clear enough that he’s venting and doesn’t mean what he says. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have survived in the hero business as long as he has. I do feel bad about badmouthing Black Samson, but the man can be a real hard ass sometimes. I think he knows that, which is why he’s so harsh. The new Guardians have shit team work, so he’s making them dislike him to fix that in the short-term. Besides, they needed to hear all the ways in which they screwed up today. I’m not going to dunk on them when they’re down.
No, I’ve got another plan in mind. Ring, did you book the tickets?
Affirmative.
Confirmation details have been sent to Lantern’s email.
Perfect.
“You guys are all free after this, right?”
“...Why?” Kate asks.
“Escape room, that’s why.”
…Time to play it up.
“We don’t have those in my dimension. Sounds like a hilarious concept. I mean, c’mon. You pay to get locked in a room. Hah!”
Rex snorts. “When you put it that way…”
“Your dimension?” Monster Girl frowns. “The fuck?”
“So?” I ask. “Are you guys free?”
“I am!” Throwbolt smiles. “Besides, I owe you a favour. Not really a fan of escape rooms, but why not? Rae?”
She shrugs. “Sure.”
“Robot?” I ask. “Wanna come?”
There’s a long silence.
“...The offer is appreciated, Lantern.”
I smile. “I’m not hearing a no.”
“Perhaps next time.”
Damn. Though to be fair, isn’t he a thirty-something-year-old genius? He’d trivialise the entire point of an escape room in the first place. Luckily, Monster Girl and Kate agree easily enough. We agree to meet at the venue half an hour before our appointment, which basically gives me a few hours to kill. I try to call Mark, so I don’t have to waste a ticket, but he doesn’t pick up.
The universe seems intent on me getting my money’s worth though because that’s when Eve calls.
“Hey!”
“...Hey yourself.”
I smile. “You know, I was actually just about to call you. What’s up?”
“I was volunteering at the Beckwell Community Centre this evening and thought I’d invite you. It’s gonna be Mark and his girlfriend Amber.”
“...Ah.”
“D-Don’t get me wrong, I’m not inviting you because it’s awkward or anything. I just thought you’d enjoy it.”
“That’s not why. I was gonna invite you to an Escape Room with the new Guardians.”
“...Ozzy.”
“I know, I know! It was a spur of the moment choice. I was gonna invite Robot, and now he doesn’t want to come, so I had a spare ticket. Don’t feel like you have to say yes because of me. You’ve got your own reason not to be around them.”
I can’t exactly tell her she was the second choice here.
Eve laughs. “It’s alright. Have fun! I know I will.”
“Tell me when you’re down there again. I’d love to come.”
“Will do. Bye!”
…Well, I guess that’s that. I spend the next few hours mindlessly watching this world’s YouTube till about 3 PM and touch down in an alley not too far from the venue. This time, I’m wearing an ordinary black shirt and beige cargo pants. Sure, I could use my ring to clothe myself, but it’s a waste of charge. The alley spits me out onto a busy street. Neon signs glow overhead. Restaurants and bars, mostly, though there’s a cinema across the street. The escape room itself occupies the second floor of a brick building wedged between a tattoo parlour and an aggressively pink frozen yoghurt shop.
Throwbolt is already inside leaning against the wall while scrolling through her phone. She looks up and smiles.
“You’re early.”
“So are you.”
“I mean… yeah, I guess so.” She laughs. “I didn’t think of it like that.”
A few minutes later Kate arrives. Then Rae, Monster Girl, and finally Rex, carrying a milkshake. He’s late. Kate tells him as much. It’s okay, though. I made sure everyone came half an hour earlier than our appointment, so as late as Rex is, he’s actually ten minutes early.
Monster Girl immediately steals his snacks.
“HEY!”
“You called me a kid, right? Growing body.”
“...Fuck you, that’s what!”
Her smirk only makes him angrier. We drift toward reception amidst Rex’s increasingly dramatic protests. The employee behind the counter looks up once to scan my QR code.
“Phones in the lockers, please.”
Everyone groans.
Rex looks personally offended. “My phone?”
“Yes,” the employee drawls.
“My beautiful phone?”
“Yes.”
“My phone with like six hundred pictures of myself?”
Kate visibly recoils. “What the fuck, Rex?”
“...Oh? Now, you clutch your pearls? You weren’t complaining when you saw all eight in—”
My phone’s ringtone cuts him mercifully short. Kate flushes and puts everyone present between herself and Rex. I look down at my phone. It reads Mark. He and I revealed our real names to each other after the Mars mission. It felt weird not to after being around each other for long. Not like I have a secret identity to protect anyway.
I step away from the group. “...Lemme take this call, guys. Hello?”
“Hey. You okay, man? Sorry I missed your call. What’s up?”
Wind whistles through the speaker.
I pause. “You’re flying?”
“Yeah… —’m kinda busy.”
“I was gonna invite you to an escape room, but it’s alright if you’re busy.”
Mark groans over the gale. “...Damn, man. I’ve got a date with Amber later, but I would’ve loved to come. Rain check?”
“Sure. It’s not like I’m alone. I took the new Guardians with me. What day works for you?”
“Listen, I’m kind of busy right now,” he says. “Is it cool if I call you later?”
“Superhero busy?”
“Yeah.”
“All good. I’ll catch you later.”
“Later, man.”
I let my arm fall and look up from the ground to find everyone staring at me.
“What?”
“Phone.” Kate points. “Locker.”
Once that’s done, the employee smiles insincerely.
“Ready? It’s not that hard, trust me.”
After a ten-minute code of conduct video, we’re trapped inside a fake Victorian study. It’s going a lot worse than I expected. Rex is convinced every puzzle is a conspiracy and has somehow become the group’s sole functioning brain cell. Everyone else is too busy second-guessing themselves. Monster Girl keeps accidentally breaking things and then hiding said broken things.
Rae is laughing too hard at Rex to do much else.
“This key doesn’t go anywhere!” Rex shouts.
Throwbolt rounds on him. “It literally says library on it!”
“THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING!”
“It means the library, dumbass!”
The timer continues ticking down. I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks.
“Given up?”
Kate sidles up to me. Her perfume tickles my nose.
“Nah. I’m taking a break. You?”
“...Heavily debating whether I should use my clones.”
“We’d probably get somewhere if you did. You’re worth at least three Rexes.”
“Please. I’m worth at least five.” She laughs. “...So. What are you up to after this?”
“Are you asking me out?”
…I hope so because I might say yes!
“Asking you out? ...I don’t know.” Kate perches on the dusty wooden table across from me and leans back on her hands. She’s wearing jeans and a baggy, sleeveless purple top. “I think I’m done with relationships for a while.”
“Because of the Eve thing?”
“I really didn’t know they’d broken up… but that’s an excuse. Deep down, I suspected it. If Eve broke up with Rex, she would’ve told me. Truth is, Rex was an insecure asshole and thought she’d cheat with Invincible because he saw them getting along. So, he decided to cheat first… again.”
I stay quiet. I don’t really know what to say except ‘And you?’... which’ll make me seem like a dick. Luckily for me, she answers the question without me having to ask it.
“And I was just… horny. You know, I used to have a crush on Rex for a bit, but he and Eve have been dating for so long that I thought I’d got over it already. Then I got the chance to fuck him, and it all came rushing back.”
“I—”
“I know. It’s stupid. Point is, that’s why I’m done with relationships for a little bit. Eve was my best friend, and now she doesn’t wanna talk to me… which is fair. I wouldn’t say no to some fun, though.”
“And if I wanted a relationship?”
Kate snorts. “Do you really want one with me of all people?”
No... but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m guessing she’s trying to imply that she’s untrustworthy, but that’s really just some self-flagellation on her part because she feels guilty. I don’t think I’d mind dating her, to be honest, but her reasons not to date are sound, and I won’t force her into something she doesn’t want right now.
I grin. “Okay. I’ll be your super booty call!”
“First off, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that string of words in my life.” She frowns. “But be honest with me… are you with someone? If you are, I’m backing out.”
“Single… for now.”
She’s smiling. “Still trying your luck with me? I’m not into pushy guys.”
“Who says I’m only trying my luck with you? I could be talking to—”
My earpiece crackles.
“—Lantern, come in.”
My face loses all its amusement.
“What’s up?” I put a hand up to my ear. “Cecil?”
Kate sits up.
“Invincible’s in trouble downtown. Some super crime lord’s territory. He’s called Machine Head. Black Samson and Robot are en route. One of mine’s on their way to teleport you and the Guardians to HQ to suit up. Meet her at the location I’ve sent to your phone.”
…Fuck, that was today? My stomach’s twisting itself into knots at the idea of Battle Beast. Now I’ve got to fight him? I’m suddenly regretting the fact that I’ve got my ring in my pocket.
“Ozzy?” Kate asks. “What did Cecil say?”
I point toward the emergency exit and raise my voice. “Good news, guys. We’re getting out of here early.”
“Oh, really?” Rex drawls. “I wonder why! Tell you what, I’m gonna grab everybody’s stuff, so gimme your locker keys.”
Shoving them all into his pocket, he blows open the lock on the door we’d come through.
Throwbolt grimaces in his absence. “That isn’t good news, is it?”
“No.” I say. “No it is not.”
Monster Girl kicks a chair across the room. “...Yay! Time to get even younger!”
…Okay, I really need to learn her name. I feel bad for calling her Monster Girl in my head, but besides her age, it’s her single defining characteristic.
“What do I call you? Didn’t stick around for introductions. Ozzy, Green Lantern. Either or. I don’t have a secret identity. You?”
She sighs. “...Amanda.”
“Great. Throwbolt?”
“Seraphina Lane. Everybody calls me Sera, though.”
“Cool. Now, let’s get the hell out of here.”
Kate grabs my shoulder. “Will you please just tell us what the fuck’s going on?”
“...Didn’t I say? Shit, my bad.” I must be freaking out more than I thought. “Basically, Invincible’s getting his ass beat to death by a cyborg crime lord’s super-powered goons. He’s called Machine Head. Black Samson and Robot are on their way, but they’re not gonna be enough.”
We’re not gonna be enough either, but let’s keep that morbid bit of knowledge to myself, yeah. Everyone lived the first time around, right? Who’s to say they won’t live this time? The only difference here is my presence. I really don’t want any of these people to die. Not just because I’ve got to know them, but because despite the logic, if they do die, it’ll be on me. At least, it feels that way, which is all that matters in the end.
Finally, the emergency doors swing open, with Rex on the other side, phones in hand.
“Time to kick ass, people!”
…Not bloody likely, but what the hell? Let’s do it.