"Lee Jae-min, your dancing's gotten a lot better, huh?"
When the dance lesson ended, Jun-hyeok hyung handed me a water bottle with a bright smile.
It was nice seeing hyung smile again, but I couldn't throw away my conscience over it.
"Hyung, your lie is showing."
"Sorry."
But if you apologize right away like that, it hurts, you know. I'd rather you teased me. I'm used to that by now, you know?
"Anyway! Hyung, did you hear? About 'Recycle.'"
Unable to keep watching hyung's awkward expression, I steered the conversation elsewhere.
Sure enough, the moment the word Recycle came up, Jun-hyeok hyung's face stiffened.
There was still about a month left before the first recording, but hyung would already know. As the longest-serving trainee, he'd received the casting request back in January.
"'Star Recycle'? But Jae-min, how do you know about that?"
Just as I'd thought, hyung's eyes went round, and he didn't bother hiding that he knew about it. That was part of hyung's charm.
But did the word 'Star' always come before Recycle?
"Lee Jae-min!"
"Huh?"
It was a fairly old memory for me, so I must have mixed it up. While I was searching my memory and slow to answer, Jun-hyeok hyung pressed me.
"I asked how you knew about it."
Hyung, it's a bit early to be surprised. I know more than you'd think.
"I have my ways! How many years of trainee seniority do you think I've got?"
"Bragging about seniority, to me? But why all of a sudden? Don't tell me you're going on it too?"
The old me would have gotten angry first, hearing something like that. I'd have asked whether I wasn't allowed to go, whether he was only saying it because he thought I'd get cut right away.
"I'm not at your level, hyung, but I'm in my 3rd year now too. Isn't it worth trying a TV debut at least once?"
But I could smile, because the me now knew that when hyung, of all people, said something like that, it was pure worry.
Oh man. He's already got 'I'm so worried about you.' written all over his face.
"You're only twenty. It's still a bit early to go on stuff like that."
Something surged up in me at hyung's increasingly serious expression.
The Jun-hyeok hyung in my memory had clung to 'Recycle' desperately, as if it were his last chance. But hyung couldn't debut there either.
Because MTV's audition program was a rigged game of Go-Stop anyway. More than half the members who would debut had been decided from the moment 'Recycle' was planned.
And naturally, among the remaining spots, there was none for hyung.
"Listen to me this time. Don't even bring it up. Got it?"
But that group, did its debut buzz even last about 3 months?
Even as I dug through my memory for how the Recycle group went under, Jun-hyeok hyung kept a tight grip on my shoulder and wouldn't let go.
Was this really something to insist on so hard?
Then again, when that group went under, a flood of mockery poured in, saying MTV had rounded up trash that couldn't even be recycled and in the end MTV did what MTV does.
Even the other trainees who'd appeared on it, who'd done nothing wrong, got dragged through the mud.
"Lee Jae-min! Aren't you going to answer?"
Even when I tried to dig through my memory some more, hyung's yelling made my whole head ring.
Whatever the case, I'd better calm this hyung down first.
"What? Whether I'm going on 'Recycle'?"
"Kid! It's 'Star Recycle.' Why are you insisting on going on it when you don't even know the program's name!"
I just ended up getting smacked on the back one more time for nothing, but I absolutely have to go on it.
Meaning I won't bend over this little bit of pain.
"I'm going on it no matter how much you try to stop me, hyung. I'm going to tell Park in a bit."
"'Chief' Park! Seriously, what's gotten into you since yesterday?"
Chief, my ass. That trash of a bastard. I swear I'm going to kill—
"There you go again. Still not snapping out of it?"
If I'd thought I wouldn't go just because hyung stopped me, I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place. But I can't exactly tell him there are kids I need to meet there.
"Ah, hyung. Stop hitting me!"
All I could do was dodge hyung's hand and yell. I'm the only one who's frustrated. Only me!
Among the 'Recycle' contestants, including the final debut lineup, there were about 5 or 6 kids who'd caught my eye. Enough that I thought even idol life, which people say is more hellish after debut, might be fun with kids like that.
So this time, I'm debuting with them for sure. Mark my words!
'But do they want to debut with you?'
Later, after I debut, if someone asks me, 'Jae-min, what animals do you like?', I'll smile brightly and answer.
'Everything but dragons.'
***
I skipped my vocal lesson and ran straight to Team Leader Seol. I didn't even want to look at Chief Park's face. Besides, right about now, Team Leader Seol's clout would be formidable enough to keep pace with Chief Park's, so it would be fine.
Knock, knock.
"Come in."
The moment I knocked, a sharp voice answered. Man— how long has it been since I heard Team Leader Seol's voice?
Knowing her personality well, I very carefully poked my head in first.
"Team Leader Seol, it's me, Jae-min."
"Huh? Isn't it your lesson time right now?"
Team Leader Seol, who was said to have joined AP after a long career on the scene, was more serious about every lesson than anyone. So she had clashed a lot with Chief Park, who claimed the debut lineup didn't need lessons.
But I had missed even being nitpicked like this. Because Team Leader Seol, too, left the company of her own accord, about a year before I left AP.
"That's true, but there's something I really need to tell you."
"All right. Come in and sit."
And some time later, I heard a rumor that she had started a new entertainment company under her own name. Honestly, part of me wanted to move there, but I lacked the courage.
The courage to promote the person called 'Lee Jae-min.'
I could write lyrics, compose, and sing, so maybe I'd do fine as a singer-songwriter— I only ever thought it, and then it was over. And the biggest problem was that I just couldn't let go of my attachment to being an idol.
"What on earth could Lee Jae-min, of all people, have to say that he'd skip a vocal lesson for?"
Let's get back to reality first.
The one sitting in front of Team Leader Seol is 20-year-old Lee Jae-min. Remember that. There's only one thing I need to say right now.
"Team Leader Seol. I want to go on 'Star Recycle.'"
Surely Team Leader Seol wouldn't stop me. She was someone who always told her trainees to take on challenges.
"No."
I hadn't expected to be turned down, and as I panicked, Super Strong Dragon rubbed it in once more, teasing.
'She said no?'
Huh? This is an ambush I never saw coming?
"Why?"
"What?"
I talked back without thinking, and Team Leader Seol's sharp voice snapped me right back to my senses.
Right. If I were the team leader, I'd be dumbfounded too. Some green kid suddenly arguing back, no wonder she'd get angry.
Still, I can't budge on this.
"Isn't anyone who's a trainee allowed to apply?"
"Enough. Why would you go on that, Jae-min? You've still got plenty of chances."
But Team Leader Seol didn't seem to have meant to scold me in the first place. Instead, she seemed fully intent on stopping me. And her reason was the same as Jun-hyeok hyung's.
"I think this is a chance too!"
If I were going to back down here, I wouldn't have had to come this far. Besides, it's not like only people with years in go on it anyway, right?
Since I hadn't mixed in a single grain of falsehood, my voice carried strength. Skill mattered to Team Leader Seol, but she always liked confident people who believed in their own ability, so this time it would definitely work.
"Our company has already decided Jun-hyeok's the one going."
And my theory collapsed miserably before the name Jun-hyeok. Team Leader Seol even cut me off in a firmer voice than before.
Mine, no, our members are all there, I'm telling you? Crazy talk like that circled in my throat. I clenched my fist tight to swallow the words that my impatience was about to let burst out.
"It's not like there's a set number of contestants per company. I heard Tree's sending 5."
So instead of nonsense, a sulky complaint came out.
Ah, but had the rumors about how many were coming from each agency already gone around?
"......."
At that moment, Team Leader Seol stared at me without a word. As I thought, that sort of thing hadn't come out yet.
But if you've gone as far as regressing, isn't it the unwritten rule to use whatever information you have?
If she asked how I knew, I could just brush it off by saying I had an acquaintance at that agency.
But what came out of Team Leader Seol's mouth when she spoke again was something else entirely.
"Jae-min, Jun-hyeok's going as a vocalist. His position overlaps with yours."
"So?"
"Do you really not know? It means it could put both of you at a disadvantage."
Of course I know. The problem is I know too well.
The group debuting through this Recycle program would have up to 8 members. Even leaving out the rappers and dancers, and without splitting main and sub vocals, that meant at least 3 vocal positions or more.
So if you do the simple math, it's not a fight without any chance at all.
"Then can't we both make it?"
"Lee Jae-min! What on earth is wrong with you?"
In the end, Team Leader Seol yelled. Her patience seemed to have run out.
'Tell me about it. What's wrong with you? What a hopeless kid.'
Following that came a voice I didn't need to hear. Still, I had no other way.
If I don't seize this chance now, I'll just end up making other people's songs, singing guide tracks for other people's songs, and getting dumped without earning a single penny.
I'd already rambled on a lot, so if I talked any longer here, it would only backfire.
"Team Leader Seol, please trust me just this once."
I straightened my posture and faced Team Leader Seol.
"......I'll bring it up with Chief Park. Don't get your hopes up."
After stalling for a moment, Team Leader Seol finally spoke. At that answer, my mouth fell open in a goofy grin before I knew it.
"Thank you!"
"Honestly, chances are it won't happen. You know it too. What Chief Park is like."
"Then I'll really give up. I'll get going to my lesson now!"
Even at Team Leader Seol's words, let out like a sigh, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Afraid she'd catch it, I shot up from my seat and bowed deeply. The team leader's gaze pouring onto my back tickled.
Chances it won't happen, huh. That's a worry Team Leader Seol has only because she doesn't know. Chief Park refusing to let me go on, or anything like that, isn't going to happen.
Because I'm the one working on the title track for the group debuting this time.
In other words, Chief Park, who'd already had a taste of the songs I make, can't afford to cross me right now.
***
"Lee Jae-min!"
"Oh. Hyung, you're here? You're late."
The next day, Jun-hyeok hyung's voice was laced with anger as he flung open the practice room door. He was later than usual and making such a fuss, and the reason was obvious.
"Is it true you're joining 'Star Recycle'?"
He must have been called in by Team Leader Seol or Chief Park the moment he clocked in. He'd have heard stuff like how, since we'd be going as a pair, he should look after his junior well as a senior.
But don't worry, hyung. I'll be the one looking after you!
"Yes. I begged them to let me go."
"What are you so short of that you'd go on something like that?"
I knew he'd react like this. It had been this reaction from the start.
But what are you short of that you're going on it, hyung?
"I want to go with you, hyung. I promise I won't be a burden."
"Haah— I don't even know anymore. Anyway, let's do well."
"Okay, hyung!"
As I pushed on with a beaming smile, Jun-hyeok hyung, who'd lost even the will to get angry, shook his head and left the practice room.
"......."
But I don't get what everyone sees in me that they keep trying to stop me. I'm someone who couldn't debut in 7 years as a trainee either, you know.
'Don't you think your self-awareness is way too accurate?'
Recycle or whatever, first I need to figure out a way to shut that dragon up.