【【15】A Hazy Kind of Emotion
In mid to late May, the rainy season brought abundant precipitation.
Water is the lifeblood of the rainforest, nourishing its diverse array of life, and the rainforest, in turn, generously gives back to humanity.
During this time, the water level of the Nanla River rises, and the current seems to grow youthful, always singing joyfully as it rushes forward. Wild fish in the river become plentiful, and anglers can be seen everywhere along its banks.
The Nanla River winds its way through the landscape, originating from the China-Laos border, with almost its entire course flowing through the rainforest.
“Nanla” means “tea water” in the Dai language. Legend has it that when Sakyamuni came here to spread his teachings, he saw the land parched and barren, so he sprinkled the tea from his alms bowl onto the earth, transforming it into this river.
Manle Village has built an RV campground and a rafting resort at a semi-circular bend of the Nanla River. This also serves as the village’s main source of operational revenue.
During her first year here, Liang Youyun experienced Nanla River rafting firsthand. Paddling a boat along the river, she ventured deep into the rainforest. The surroundings seemed to grow quiet, with only the sounds of the wind, water, birdsong, and elephant calls reaching her ears.
Having spent many years in a big city, she rarely traveled for leisure. She had only taken a few work-related trips, all in the north, near Beijing, where cities felt largely the same. But this place was completely different. It was her first time feeling the overwhelming lushness and grandeur of nature—endless, vibrant, and teeming with life. She realized how insignificant an individual life is, destined to become a handful of ash or a speck of dust in the natural world, forgotten as if it never existed.
At that moment, she suddenly felt that living an ordinary, mundane life in the cubicles of a city’s skyscrapers was a kind of shame. But such thoughts were fleeting. After all, she was human. She needed not only a good living environment but also a respectable job with an income sufficient for food and shelter, as well as a cultural atmosphere that resonated with her. Returning to nature and living a secluded rural life was merely a vague, idealistic dream for city dwellers.
Yet, the Nanla River campground gave her hope. Surrounded by rainforest, this land had been developed with hotels and guesthouses, hosting various concerts and outdoor scientific exploration activities for students. Here, humans and nature, nature and culture, found reconciliation amidst conflict and coexistence through protection.
Since her village assignment was nearing its end, Village Chief Wenkan didn’t assign her much work, simply telling her to spend these days exploring Xishuangbanna properly.
After receiving the subsidy funds, Village Chief Wenkan and several village committee members repaired the hiking trails near the rainforest, hired workers to implement protective measures, and arranged for local media coverage, effectively addressing the previous incident.
“But with things like this, it still comes down to self-awareness,” Village Chief Wenkan said, puffing on his pipe as he trimmed branches in the village committee courtyard. “If people aren’t conscious of the risks and insist on exploring, no one can stop them! And when something happens, we’re the ones who get blamed!”
Liang Youyun was also troubled, but after much thought, she came up with an idea: “Perhaps we could establish a rainforest protection team, led by Party members with villager participation. We could organize regular activities and awareness campaigns. If tourists want to explore, we could offer free guide services. What do you think?”
Village Chief Wenkan paused his pruning shears and thought it over. “That’s right! I think it could work!”
Turning back to Youyun with a smile, he said, “This gives us a reason to keep applying for subsidies from above! That clever mind of yours, A Yun, is truly wasted in Manle Village!”
Alright, the village chief was thinking further ahead.
“Uncle, what mind do I have!” Youyun laughed self-deprecatingly. “I only grew a brain after coming to Manle Village!”
She hadn’t forgotten at all how she had left Beijing back then. Her straightforward, inflexible personality probably seemed very childish and immature in Jiang Muhe’s eyes.
Huh? What did it have to do with him!
Life settled down, and apart from weekly meetings, promotional talks, and live-streaming sales, Liang Youyun didn’t have much else to worry about. These past few days, she was mainly busy with the concert event at the RV campsite.
The concert was organized by a teacher from Yunnan University’s music department, who invited two moderately well-known alumni singers. Radio media and fans came over. The stage was set up along the riverbank, close to the RV inn, right next to the riverside bar. Part of the bar extended outdoors, allowing customers to drink while enjoying the scenery.
Youyun really liked this kind of atmosphere. The music here wasn’t too noisy, mainly gentle and cheerful folk songs, along with Dai language songs and covers of popular music from Southeast Asian countries like Thailand and Laos.
In the afternoon, she went rafting with Yu Xiang and Xiao Sun. After resting at home for a bit, Youyun changed into a black chiffon dress and prepared to attend the concert, where she would also give a speech on stage.
Xiao Sun drove, taking Youyun, Yu Xiang, and Zhang He.
Xiao Sun’s name was Sun Guanchao, a proper northern lad. His parents were in the jade business in Yunnan, and he was preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam later in the year, hoping to get into Yunnan University’s Institute of Ethnic Studies. He often chatted with Yu Xiang, calling her “sister” every other sentence, following her around asking this and that. Because he was doing fieldwork, he had a good relationship with the elderly Dai people in the village, who treated him like their own grandson.
The sky was still bright, but the stage was already set up, with lights being tested.
Liang Youyun met with the relevant person in charge, went over the schedule, and then took a walk alone along the riverbank, waiting for nightfall.
When she reached a viewing platform, she stopped.
This place was quite similar to the viewing platform in the village. It reminded her again of that day when she had dinner with Jiang Muhe.
She knew clearly in her heart that Jiang Muhe had been testing her—a man testing a woman—and it had been quite successful because she had been moved.
But she had firmly rejected him, which was something she could be proud of, both for herself and for him.
Sometimes she wondered, if it were someone else, not Jiang Muhe, but another man, would she still feel that flutter? Where did that flutter come from? Was it his good looks, his masculine charm, or the focused way he looked at her? Thinking about it made her feel confused.
She hoped that in the days to come, she wouldn’t see him again. She was afraid that every time she saw him, her heart would be thrown into turmoil. She wanted to stop before she fell too deep, to minimize the damage.
Besides, Jiang Muhe was tactful. After that incident, he hadn’t contacted her again. He seemed to have vanished from her WeChat message list. Youyun didn’t dare to scroll through their chat history, even though there weren’t many messages. She was afraid of reminiscing, overthinking, and losing herself uncontrollably.
When her heart was in turmoil, she would go out for a walk. But she wouldn’t take the road past Sister Yi Ying’s house, nor the one by the cold dish shop, and she certainly wouldn’t go to the viewing platform. She also made a conscious effort to ignore the ubiquitous physic nut trees.
Restraint was just a way of trying to cover up what couldn’t be hidden.
Yan Nuo came just before evening, bringing food.
Jiang Muhe was sleeping on the second floor, so he sat at the courtyard bar eating nuts. He saw the ashtray on the bar filled with cigarette butts and the trash can at his feet overflowing with crushed beer cans.
He didn’t know what had happened these past few days, but Jiang Muhe had started sleeping in the afternoon, saying he kept getting woken up by birds in the morning and couldn’t sleep well. He also rarely cooked anymore, claiming he wasn’t hungry and that eating some fruit was enough.
Yan Nuo couldn’t stand it any longer, so he asked his mother to make an extra portion of food when she cooked and brought it over for him.
Another thing was that he had ramped up his workout intensity. In the mornings, he would shut himself in the second-floor gym, practically living on the rowing machine, mechanically going through the motions. His muscles grew firmer, but the light in his eyes dimmed, and he spoke less and less. It didn’t feel like exercise—more like self-punishment.
Yan Nuo didn’t dare ask. But he was afraid something might happen to him.
Just as he was feeling uneasy, he saw Jiang Muhe wake up and come downstairs, wearing only a pair of oversized shorts and flip-flops, bare-chested, without an ounce of fat on him. His face was as stiff as a corpse’s, like a gang boss, making Yan Nuo shudder involuntarily.
But Yan Nuo still mustered the courage to ask, “Bro, you’ve been smoking so much lately—is something on your mind?”
Jiang Muhe sat down, pulled out his chopsticks, and prepared to eat. “No,” he replied.
“Then there must be!”
“Really, there isn’t.”
“Then there definitely is!”
Jiang Muhe closed his eyes and opened them again, a cold glint flashing in his gaze. He put down his chopsticks, stared at Yan Nuo, and said calmly but firmly, “I said there isn’t, so there isn’t.”
Yan Nuo jumped to his feet, afraid Jiang Muhe might hit him, and hurried toward the house. “I get it, so there absolutely is, unconditionally is! Honestly, is it about a woman?”
Jiang Muhe felt drained. He didn’t want to argue.
“Bro, I’ve got more experience than you. Listen to me—women’s problems are best solved by women. If you don’t go out and talk to her, just stay home smoking and drinking, you’ll never solve it!” Yan Nuo sounded like a love guru.
He wasn’t entirely wrong. Jiang Muhe gave up the idea of beating him up.
Propping his head in his hands, he felt dizzy and disoriented—a terrible sensation he hadn’t experienced in a long time. It was as if half his internal organs had been hollowed out, and the remaining ones had to compensate for their functions, overloading his body and leaving him utterly exhausted. He had tried to strengthen himself through exercise—running, rowing, push-ups—but it didn’t work. The emptiness in his heart remained unfilled.
He refused to think about her, refused to think about Liang Youyun.
He forced himself to accept that the whole thing had nothing to do with Liang Youyun, as if they had never met, as if he had never crossed paths with her.
His future was destined to be spent here, living out the rest of his life in peace and contentment. A sudden disruption couldn’t change anything.
Whenever Liang Youyun’s image flashed through his mind or her voice faintly echoed in his ears, he forced himself to shift his focus, refusing to let that shadow or that voice linger and haunt him.
He told himself it was just a vague feeling, a simple fondness—not quite liking, and certainly not love. So, in a few days, it would pass. Everything would be fine.
Yet somehow, that piece of flesh in his heart felt as if it had ulcerated, always aching faintly. Such wounds are best treated externally, but how could he apply an external remedy? He couldn’t just take his heart out.
This feeling was even worse than getting into a fight, breaking a bone, or bleeding—those he could treat himself. But internal wounds, he had to admit, were hard to heal.
At first, he invited friends over for gatherings. They had been wanting to come for a while, so he prepared good food and drinks, planning to drink until he was thoroughly drunk—something he rarely did unless he was exceptionally happy.
His friends thought he had encountered some joyous occasion and kept trying to pry information out of him.
Daobo: “Brother Mu, business going well lately? Why not bring your girlfriend over?”
Achun: “Is Brother Mu getting married? Is this the wedding house?”
Chensheng: “Ah Mu’s place is great. Your future wife can rest assured—no other women will come looking for you here!”
…
Even when heavily drunk, Jiang Muhe still retained basic judgment. Of course, he also knew these guys were teasing him. Among these friends were some of Yan En’s acquaintances, but most were people he had met after coming to Banna. His standard for making friends was simple: they had to be comfortable to be around. His selection process was straightforward—no troublemakers, only those who could get things done.
He was a smart man. After a few interactions, he could figure out someone’s intentions and character.
To be honest, he understood Liang Youyun’s personality and why she had rejected him so directly.
But understanding was one thing; the pain was another.
After the meal, his friends started singing and dancing in the yard. Most of them were from ethnic minorities—Hani, Dai, Wa—naturally gifted in singing and dancing, the kind you couldn’t stop even if you tried. And these guys even brought their own instruments: guitars, piccolos, zhongruan, and hand drums.
Jiang Muhe sank into the sofa, enjoying the beautiful music. He tilted his head back and finished the last bottle of beer in his hand, then waved the empty bottle toward the distance, muttering to himself, “See? I have lots of friends too. I can drink heavily too! You probably don’t know how well I fit in, do you…”
He laughed, a self-mocking laugh. What was he trying to prove? To whom? And what was the point? But when someone gets stubborn, they just have to seek an outcome.
After the meal, seeing that he was still in a relatively normal state, Yan Nuo took out his phone and began his lesson.
“Remember your personality type from the test yesterday?”
“Yeah, INTJ.”
“We won’t talk about the strengths. What are the weaknesses?” Yan Nuo asked, putting on a serious tone.
Muhe sighed. “Not good at expressing emotions, somewhat of a perfectionist.”
“Exactly! That’s where the problem lies. Don’t keep everything bottled up inside. Be brave and confess your feelings to her!”
Muhe glared at him. What use was confessing? The moment he took a step forward, she pushed him right back, rejecting him clearly and unmistakably.
“And then…” Yan Nuo scrolled through his phone. “Do you know what ‘YYDS’ and ‘juejuezi’ mean?””
“Yeah, I know.”
“Then no need to review those. What about ‘social death,’ ‘how ruthless’ (or ‘that’s so mean’), and ‘companion/partner’?”
“I know. You can figure those out just from the words, right?” Muhe showed impatience. Could this fool teach something more challenging?
“Stay calm while learning!”
Yan Nuo scolded, finally able to showcase his talent in front of his big brother. He was quite pleased with himself. “This trending phrase is new and a bit challenging: ‘Love yourself.’’ It means you have to love yourself.”
Muhe couldn’t take it anymore and tried to shoo Yan Nuo away. Yan Nuo protested, “If you keep being this mean, I’m going to break down!”
“I’m gonna lose my shit too!”
“Do you even know what ‘lose my shit’ means? I never taught you that!”
“I fucking taught myself!”
“For real or cap?” Seeing the situation was getting out of hand, Yan Nuo quickly grabbed his phone and made a run for it.
Just as Muhe was about to chase after him, his phone rang. It was Feng Duo, his former comrade-in-arms who had served on the front lines of the special operations unit. Feng Duo had been transferred to border defense duty the past two years and was now taking advantage of his vacation to visit Mengla.
They had kept in touch, and Feng Duo was Jiang Muhe’s designated contact.
“Where are you staying now?” Muhe asked.
“At an RV campground. I’m alone. Come find me, Brother Mu. There’s something I need to discuss.”
An RV campground… a place not far from her.
Jiang Muhe suddenly perked up. He went upstairs to shave, wash his face, and change into fresh clothes. After quickly getting ready, he headed down to the garage to get his car.
Then it occurred to him that he might end up drinking with Feng Duo, so he pocketed the car keys, locked the door behind him, and left the courtyard.