The road to Morgause’s castle was quieter than usual.
By this point, I normally would have triggered a trap, received a threat, or run into something trying to tear off one of my limbs. Instead, that morning I had nothing but the forest, the road, and a bouquet of flowers I had somehow managed to keep intact for the entire trip.
I was starting to suspect something was wrong.
That was when a demon appeared in front of me.
I stopped and reached for my staff.
Dark armor, horns, a sword at his side, and enough presence to make any sensible adventurer consider turning around.
I recognized him.
Orbit, one of Morgause’s generals.
I started gathering mana, but he raised both hands.
“Wait! I didn’t come to fight.”
“That’s exactly what someone who came to fight would say.”
“If I wanted to fight you, I would’ve drawn my sword already.”
I looked at his waist.
Still sheathed.
He had a point.
“Then what do you want?”
Orbit quickly glanced around before stepping closer.
“I need to know if it’s true.”
I lowered my staff a little.
“If what’s true?”
His expression changed completely.
“Did Her Majesty blush?”
I blinked.
Then I smiled.
“Both cheeks.”
Orbit clenched a fist.
“I knew it! I said it would happen before attempt forty.”
I stared at him.
“Are you people betting on me?”
“Only some of us.”
“Orbit.”
“Five gold coins.”
I couldn’t decide whether to be offended or demand a percentage.
I put my staff away.
“So you know why I keep coming here.”
“Nellie, you’ve been breaking into the castle for months to confess to our queen. One of the cooks keeps a board with all your attempts on it.”
That explained a lot.
It also meant I had fans.
I liked that interpretation better.
Orbit motioned for me to follow him toward a small guard post beside the road.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while. You have enthusiasm, perseverance, and a concerning lack of shame.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t exactly a compliment.”
“Too late.”
Orbit laughed.
“The problem is that you keep trying to do this alone. Thirty-two attempts, and you still haven’t gotten a date.”
Hearing the number out loud hurt a little.
“Thirty-two attempts means experience.”
Orbit smiled.
“Then it’s about time someone helped you make use of it.”
I stopped.
“Are you saying you have a plan?”
“I’m saying I’ve spent far too long watching you do this alone.”
A smile started creeping onto my face.
“Orbit, I think you and I are going to get along very well.”
Ten minutes later, we were leaning over a table with several sheets of paper spread between us.
Orbit had written across the top:
WAYS TO CONQUER HER MAJESTY WITHOUT DESTROYING HALF THE CASTLE
I thought it was an excellent title.
“Let’s start with something simple,” he said. “A love letter.”
“I already have one.”
I pulled a folded sheet of paper from my bag and handed it to him.
Orbit started reading.
At first, he nodded approvingly.
Then he stopped nodding.
Finally, he looked up.
“Why are there thirteen lines about her legs?”
“Because I like them.”
“That was pretty clear by line three.”
“The other ten add detail.”
Orbit looked back at the letter.
“You also mention her waist, her chest, and... what exactly does ‘a thorough exploration of every curve of your body’ mean?”
“It means exactly what it sounds like.”
“Nellie.”
“I’m a thorough woman.”
Orbit set the letter down.
“We need something more romantic and a little less lustful.”
“I don’t see why we have to choose.”
“Because a love letter shouldn’t make me worry about the safety of the person receiving it.”
What an exaggeration.
Orbit wrote down another option.
“Flowers.”
I proudly held up the bouquet.
“Prepared.”
“Do you know what kind she likes?”
“White ones.”
“Are you sure?”
“On attempt twenty-six, it took her almost a full minute to burn them.”
Orbit went quiet.
“That’s your evidence?”
“Most bouquets last less than ten seconds.”
He thought about it.
“Surprisingly, that might actually mean something.”
Finally, a professional.
“We could also arrange a dinner,” he continued. “Something private, quiet, and without you breaking into her bedroom while she’s asleep.”
“That eliminates my first choice of location.”
“I know.”
I leaned over the table.
“We could have candles, wine, and a small table. Then we eat, talk, she stares into my eyes, and eventually we start taking off—”
“Dinner,” Orbit interrupted. “Let’s stay with dinner.”
“I was developing the strategy.”
“You were developing something else.”
I couldn’t deny that.
Orbit brought a hand to his chin.
“Maybe you need something bolder. Something that really gets her attention.”
Now that sounded promising.
“How bold?”
We looked at each other for a few seconds.
“A ribbon,” I said.
Orbit smiled.
“Just a ribbon.”
My eyes lit up.
“General, you’re a genius.”
“What are you two doing?”
We both froze.
I knew that voice.
Morgause was standing behind us.
Her gaze slowly traveled across the table, passing over the flowers, my letter, and the sheet where Orbit had just written JUST A RIBBON.
Then she looked up.
“Orbit.”
“Your Majesty.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be guarding the western entrance?”
Orbit straightened.
“A situation of the highest strategic priority came up.”
Morgause pointed at the paper.
“A ribbon?”
“Very strategic,” I added.
Orbit closed his eyes.
Morgause took a deep breath.
“Go back to your post.”
“But we still have to—”
A small flame appeared above Morgause’s hand.
Orbit was already walking away.
“We’ll talk later, Nellie.”
“We still have the dinner to plan!”
“I know!”
Morgause turned toward him, and Orbit immediately picked up the pace.
So much for dedication to the cause.
When I looked back at her, Morgause was holding my letter.
That was concerning.
“Wait, maybe you should start with the second page.”
Her eyes moved down the paper.
“Thirteen lines?”
“Your legs deserved proper attention.”
A vein seemed to twitch beside her temple.
“And why did you write that you want to personally find out whether my horns are sensitive?”
“Romantic curiosity.”
“There’s nothing romantic about that.”
“We could find out together.”
The flames appeared.
There was the Morgause I knew.
I raised my barrier just in time.
The first attack slammed into it and made it tremble.
I smiled.
“See? I got better.”
The second attack cracked the barrier.
“Nellie!”
“I learned fire resistance too.”
“I DON’T CARE!”
The third blast shattered my defense.
Good.
Blazer had been right about how much it could take.
I activated Instant Movement and appeared several yards away.
Morgause was already standing in front of me.
“That’s still cheating,” I protested.
“This is my territory.”
Right.
We ended up face-to-face, my back against a tree and a fireball growing above Morgause’s palm.
The situation was worryingly similar to several of my dreams.
Except for the fire.
Again.
Morgause studied me for a moment.
“I have to admit it, girl. You did better this time.”
I smiled.
“Was that a compliment?”
“Don’t get excited. This is as far as you go.”
The fireball grew.
“Any last words?”
I looked at her.
She was giving me permission to speak.
Grave mistake.
“I like your eyes, your hair, your horns, and that face you make when you’re angry. I also like your legs. I really like your legs. And your waist. And your chest.”
Morgause frowned.
“Nellie...”
“And whenever you get this close to me, it becomes extremely difficult to think about anything decent.”
Her cheeks started turning red.
Excellent.
“Wait. That’s enough.”
“I also can’t stop thinking about how you looked under those sheets.”
“Shut up.”
“Especially how you’d look if I were under them with you.”
“I said shut up!”
I smiled.
“I want to kiss you too.”
“Nellie!”
“A lot. And if you ever let me go a little further, I want to make love to you until—”
“SHUT UP!”
Morgause was completely red.
I couldn’t waste this opportunity.
“I’m not finished yet.”
“Yes, you are!”
“I still haven’t mentioned your lips.”
The fireball doubled in size.
“DIE!”
Just before she threw it, I noticed something behind her.
Orbit was peeking out from between the trees.
I had no idea when he’d come back.
He looked at me and slowly raised his thumb with an expression of absolute pride.
I smiled.
I had chosen my advisor well.
Then the fire hit me.
When I opened my eyes at the respawn point, I found myself smiling.
Morgause had turned completely red.
Not a little red.
Completely red.
More importantly, she had listened all the way up to the part where I told her I wanted to make love to her.
That was valuable information.
Apparently, my previous strategies had simply lacked sufficient sexual tension.
I sat up and immediately reached for my bag.
The flowers were gone, but thankfully my notes had returned with me.
I took out Orbit’s list and added a new line beneath JUST A RIBBON.
Tell Morgause exactly what I want to do to her.
I stared at it for a moment.
Then added:
Maybe not all at once.
Morgause could only handle so much progress in a single day.
Attempt number thirty-three: highly educational.
Attempt thirty-four was already looking promising.