I flexed my clenched fist, then loosened it. I turned my head away from Shin Giyoung and let out a heavy breath. I rummaged through the pocket of my long padded coat and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I put one between my lips and flicked the lighter. Then, as I lit the end of the cigarette, I spoke. I could feel the pale orange flame spreading across my face, sunk in the pitch-black winter night.
“Anything else to say?”
I fixed my eyes on the bare ground and took a shallow drag, then exhaled. The bastard who had been running his mouth like a lunatic until a moment ago must have been thrown off by my attitude, because he started babbling incoherently. The content was pathetic too. When he had started stalking me in earnest. How confident he was that he could be my slave. I held the cigarette in my left hand and walked right up to Shin Giyoung’s nose. Shin Giyoung stopped talking.
With my right hand, I grabbed Shin Giyoung by the shoulder, hooked my foot around his, and knocked him down. Shin Giyoung landed on his ass and looked up at me with a stupid expression. I pressed my shoe down on his calf and looked down at him.
“Do I look like some gullible dumbass to you?”
“What does that— I was just—”
“How did you get on this show? Fine, let’s say you found out I applied here and prepared right away. Guess you got fucking lucky and managed to join an agency and apply here in the meantime.”
The more I listened to this pervert bastard talk, the more I thought he was in Lee Sehan’s crew. This bastard had introduced himself as a pervert who had been stalking me since middle school, but that was not the point. What mattered was that Shin Giyoung had become an idol trainee in a short time.
And on top of that, he had gotten A-rank. From the brief practice I had seen, Shin Giyoung did not have the skill to get A-rank. B-rank at best. I put more strength into my shoe and crushed his calf hard. Shin Giyoung screamed.
“If you really wanted to be my slave, you should’ve started with that. Who helped you become a trainee, and who got you all the way to A-rank?”
“Yuha, Park Yuha, wait…! Aagh!”
“What were you trying to do by approaching me?”
I took my foot off his calf. I bent my knees and crouched, meeting Shin Giyoung’s eyes. I did not know what he was so scared of, but he shrank back. Even so, his frenzied eyes stayed locked on me and would not fall away. I took a drag from the cigarette. Then I blew the gray-white smoke in Shin Giyoung’s face and smiled crookedly.
Anything that looked “plausible” made me suspicious. The least trustworthy bastard was not some idiot cursing me to my face, or some son of a bitch trying to screw me over behind my back. It was the bastard who acted plausibly like he was on my side. And a bastard this fucking insane was even harder to trust. Who knew when he would snap again? I spoke slowly.
“I beat that bully bastard because he picked a fight with me. If he hadn’t picked a fight with me, I would’ve stayed out of it no matter who he bullied. Even if you died.”
“……”
“Some people get the wrong idea now and then, but I never saved you. I just stepped on some annoying bastards. Right now, I’m thinking about what I should do if you annoy me any more. Like whether it’d be fine if one of your legs stopped working.”
If the pervert bastard was on Lee Sehan’s side, ruining one of his legs would be a generous punishment. This was a secluded corner with no CCTV, so there was nothing to hesitate over. I hoped he properly understood me telling him not to be annoying. I put on a strange smile.
His eyes looked like those of a completely insane pervert stalker bastard. Well, if that was really all he was, he would spill everything. It would be no fun if he pretended not to know and kept his mouth shut. I reached out, brushed back his hair, and tucked the cigarette by his ear as I spoke. I’ll give you until only the butt is left. Run your mouth about whatever you want.
Shin Giyoung swallowed a shaky breath, then his eyes gleamed wildly like a madman’s.
“I know… I know that too! I know you didn’t hit that bastard because he was a bad guy! But so what? What matters is that you beat that son of a bitch up. Unlike the bastards who stood there snickering while that fucking asshole did his shit, or the bastards who just watched!”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“…I got lucky and became a trainee, but after I missed my chance to go on the show, your brother came to me.”
According to Shin Giyoung, it went like this. Shin Giyoung said he usually acted like he hated me. Because he had some fucking disgusting hope that maybe it would get back to my ears. This fucking pervert bastard panted that he had prepared himself with incredible thoroughness to be bullied by me and become my slave. I felt so fucking gross that I started to get up, and the pervert bastard hurriedly continued.
Park Yuhyeon had approached him after he became a trainee. He had told him he would get him onto the program and even help him debut, so he should help Lee Sehan. It would be even better if, in the process, he provoked my temper and caused controversy. The pervert bastard had understood Park Yuhyeon’s order perfectly: make me get hate and drive me out of <Your Idol>. And he had taken the bait.
“I hated you being an idol from the start, Yuha! Every time some know-nothing pieces of shit judged you and cursed you, it made my guts twist! And then when I thought maybe those bastards would catch your eye and become your slaves…!”
The pervert bastard barked like a dog.
“I thought this worked out perfectly! I was going to hover around you and become your slave anyway! But now that you caught me like this, Yuha… I’ll just become your slave… Haa… Yuha, what should I do? Huh? Do you want to break my leg? Or should I crawl between your legs like a dog?”
“I don’t need that shit. Are you going to do what I tell you?”
“Yeah!”
“I’m only going to make you do trashy things.”
“I don’t care. Everything you do is right.”
Shin Giyoung had the blind eyes of an innocent child. Maybe this bastard was the same type as Cha Seokhyeon too. I grabbed the cigarette butt tucked by Shin Giyoung’s ear and threw it on the ground. Then I stood up and turned away. To the pervert bastard hurriedly chasing after me, I tossed out, You have my number, right?
Like the stalker he was, the son of a bitch puffed up and said of course he did. For now, I intended to use him until I needed him. I did not know how many bastards Park Yuhyeon had dragged onto this board. In this situation, it was better to have even one more bastard I could use. If he became useless, I could just throw him away. I glanced at Shin Giyoung following me like a dog and said,
“Call my phone. I’ll save you as ‘Fucking Pervert Slave Bastard.’”
“Hah! Yuha…!”
I had no idea how the hell this bastard had processed what I said, but he swallowed a moan and sank to the ground. I looked at him, wondering what the fuck he was doing now, and holy shit… The pervert bastard covered the bulge jutting out of his front with both hands. Was that fucking son of a bitch rubbing his cock against his palms right now?
He was so horrifying I did not even want to touch him to beat the shit out of him. I kicked his hands away, then stomped down fucking hard on the bulging front of his pants. The bastard collapsed, drooling because he liked it. I eased up, then brought my weight down through my foot, and the bastard let out a disgusting moan and fainted.
Guess I did another sucker’s good deed today. I let a fucking pervert bastard like this live, and even stepped on his dick for him. This time, I was about to put strength into my foot and actually make him a eunuch, but I stopped. I could not make him a eunuch yet. Who knew how he might be used? I clicked my tongue and took my foot off him. Then I left the unconscious fucking pervert bastard there and went back to the dorm.
*****
I rubbed my wet hair with a towel. After leaving the bathroom, I pulled on a sweatshirt and shorts that came down to my knees. Practice had not ended until almost ten. When I checked my phone, the gangster bastard had contacted me. Three missed calls, one text. It said to contact him before he came over and caused a scene. I stared at the screen for a moment, then sent a reply.
I tossed the towel into the basket and went out into the hallway. I looked for the room where B-rank stayed. There were several rooms with signs labeled B-rank. Which one was Yoon Jiwoo staying in again? If I went into any of them, he would probably show up. I reached for a doorknob, and the door opened as Yoon Jiwoo came out. Looking at the startled Yoon Jiwoo, I smiled playfully.
“Guess we’re in sync. I came to see you.”
Yoon Jiwoo and I went to the rooftop. It was shoved off in a corner, so the air was nice, and stars sparkled in the night sky. I pulled an ion drink from the vending machine and handed it to Yoon Jiwoo. Yoon Jiwoo thanked me and accepted it awkwardly. I smiled pleasantly and put a cigarette in my mouth.
“Yuha hyung… didn’t you quit smoking after we debuted?”
“Did I? I don’t really remember.”
“Did something happen? You seem a little different, Yuha hyung.”
Yoon Jiwoo fiddled with the can like a timid rabbit bastard.
“Is it bad that I’m different?”
“No, it’s not bad… I just don’t really know how to act around you.”
“I changed because of you.”
“What?”
“If you don’t like it, I won’t smoke either.”
I took the cigarette out of my mouth. Then I shoved it into my pocket.
“I told you I wanted to get close to you.”
“You were serious? Why…?”
“Do I need a reason? If I had to give one, because you’re handsome?”
“Seokhyeon hyung is more handsome. And there are tons of people better-looking than me besides Seokhyeon hyung too. Starting with you, Yuha hyung…”
What a bastard with a firm grasp of his place. I shrugged and said,
“I thought I’d be okay, but honestly, I’m a little lonely. Like you said, I’m bored too. So, Jiwoo, can’t you play with me a little?”
When I smiled until my eyes curved, Yoon Jiwoo avoided my gaze. His earlobes were bright red, which was funny. There were plenty of reasons I wanted to get close to him. When someone approached Yoon Jiwoo, when something happened, I wanted him to tell me first. And besides, watching him roll through the mud because of someone he thought he was close to would be a better show.
I playfully leaned into Yoon Jiwoo and pretended we were close. How was his team? Had he gotten close to anyone? Yoon Jiwoo, who had been answering this and that obediently, whispered in an excited voice. I want to get onstage soon. It feels like this is a turning point. It feels like my life is going to change.
I lightly bumped Yoon Jiwoo’s shoulder with mine and told him things would go well. Yoon Jiwoo drew a faint smile, then abruptly started worrying about me. Was my team okay? I put on a troubled voice and said there was a pervert bastard among my teammates. To the startled Yoon Jiwoo, I rambled some pointless nonsense about being careful, then left the rooftop.
The moment Yoon Jiwoo was about to enter his room, I spoke as if something had just occurred to me. Yoon Jiwoo let go of the handle and turned back to look at me.
“I have that feeling too. Like your life is going to change.”
“……”
“I told you before. You’ve suffered because you met the wrong members.”
“Ah… Don’t say that. We’re all going to do well together.”
Yoon Jiwoo showed a hint of guilt. It was obvious from his face that he had interpreted my words however he wanted, as “You’ll do well now that you can make it on your own.” I smiled as if I did not know.
Yoon Jiwoo went into his room, and the lights in the hallway went out. It must have turned eleven. I took out the cigarette I had shoved into my pocket. I opened the hallway window. Leaning my arm on the windowsill, I smoked.
I remembered the cigarette that loudmouthed gangster bastard had handed me at the night sea. It had not tasted like anything. I had not even smoked it properly. But for some reason, once I came back, smoking had come naturally. The turning points in life were not things I made. Other people made them for me. I quietly watched the cigarette smoke crumble in the winter wind.