My whole body felt heavy, as if someone had beaten me bloody.
I moved my fingertips.
I’d assumed that after I died, I wouldn’t feel anything at all, but my body felt spectacularly awful. What kind of death was this? It was worse than when that gangster bastard had kicked the shit out of me.
If it were me, I should have gone to heaven.
But if this was heaven, my physical condition was way too fucked.
I let out a hollow laugh and forced my heavy eyes open.
…What the hell?
It was a familiar room.
The cramped little space looked a hell of a lot like the dorm we’d lived in about three years ago.
What kind of heaven looked like this?
I barely managed to sit up and lean my back against the headboard. I spread my hands out and stared at them. The sense of reality was too sharp.
No matter how I looked at it, I didn’t seem to be a ghost.
But what happened before wasn’t a dream either.
That had definitely been real.
Fuck.
Then what, had I time-slipped or something?
As I looked around, a headache hit me. I pressed hard against my forehead.
Fine. Let’s say this really was reality.
Then what year was it?
Our youngest had made a splash on an idol debut program, and our group had been reevaluated because of it. After that, we’d at least climbed to the level of a B-list idol group and moved somewhere better than this.
Fuck it. First, I needed to get out.
The moment I set my feet on the floor, the bedroom door opened.
A familiar face looked in at me.
That bastard.
I frowned.
“You still haven’t quit?”
“…You’re not even going to stop me?”
Ah.
So it was that day.
Judging by the way this bastard was making a fuss about why I wasn’t stopping him, I must have come back about three years.
Cha Seokhyeon had the same expressionless face as always, except his eyes looked hurt.
He was always like that. No matter how much shit I gave him, he kept sticking to me like a tick, then every so often he would look at me with those eyes and ruin my mood.
I smiled crookedly.
“Don’t go.”
“What?”
“Don’t go study abroad.”
I got up and walked toward him.
The bastard was tall too. What was he, 189 centimeters? I looked up at him, at the guy roughly three centimeters taller than me, and smiled.
“Studying abroad isn’t more important than me, is it?”
“Why are you suddenly acting like this?”
“Why else? Because I need you.”
“……”
“You don’t want me to die, do you? Or am I wrong?”
I stroked Cha Seokhyeon’s cheek and continued in a cold, mocking voice.
“You’re not going to just stand there and watch me die, are you?”
Cha Seokhyeon, that idiot, nodded like an obedient dog.
I’d never even suspected it before, but looking at him now—
Did this bastard like me?
Maybe he hadn’t followed me around because I was his only friend after all.
Was this bastard gay?
Then that worked out even better.
And if he liked me, that was better still.
I sat back down on the bed. He stood there blankly, so I told him to lock the door and come sit beside me.
When I stared at him without saying anything, his brow twitched.
He was embarrassed.
This was too fucking funny.
Half the members in this group had been gay bastards.
Cha Seokhyeon asked in a low voice, “Did something happen? Why would you die?”
I tilted my head back and stared up at the ceiling.
It had been a while since I’d seen moldy wallpaper.
It made me feel like shit.
I hadn’t died just so I could see this dump again.
After dying once, it became very clear how I should act from now on.
My first mistake had been living with my temper leashed because I was worried strange rumors might spread. As if I’d ever endured anything that was truly fucked anyway.
I’d half-assed it, then got murdered while feeling like shit.
“Are you gay?”
“……”
“Cha Seokhyeon, I’m asking if you’re gay.”
Cha Seokhyeon said nothing.
“Fine, forget that. There’s something more important. Kang Yejun is gay.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. And that bastard’s sponsor is trying to kill me.”
“Kang Yejun has a sponsor?”
“I don’t know. Not sure whether he has one right now.”
I kept speaking calmly.
Even without a proper explanation, this guy would believe anything I said. He didn’t just believe me, either. He did everything I told him to do.
I took my eyes off the ceiling.
“You know I can’t live after letting someone walk all over me.”
“Is that what I’m supposed to help with?”
“What do you mean, that?”
I sneered.
I wondered what kind of insane bullshit this lunatic was about to say.
“Do I just have to kill the sponsor?”
“What, are you going to stab him with a knife?”
“If you tell me to, Yuha.”
“We’ll see how things go. If that bastard tries to kill me again, then I’ll have to kill him first.”
“What about Kang Yejun?”
“Are you gay?”
Cha Seokhyeon answered, looking strangely uncertain, “I don’t know.”
I met his eyes and asked, “Can you seduce Kang Yejun? Can you make that bastard go crazy over you? Completely lose his mind?”
I laid my hand over the back of Cha Seokhyeon’s.
He flinched.
A long time ago, Kang Yejun had gotten drunk and made a scene. He’d been plastered, clinging to me, so I’d dumped him on the sofa. When I tried to go to my room to escape the terrible smell of alcohol, he’d grabbed me by the shirt.
I’d considered peeling his hand off, but if he kept acting like a drunken mess, I could make fun of him the next day. So I left him alone.
“Park Yuha, you son of a bitch…”
“What, you gay bastard?”
“You’re really, pfft, really trash.”
“You say that like you’re not trash too.”
Kang Yejun laughed softly.
“It should’ve been you who left, not Cha Seokhyeon…”
“Why? You wanted a taste of Cha Seokhyeon’s dick?”
“You crazy bastard…”
He laughed emptily, then continued.
“Cha Seokhyeon is impressive. He looks like he’d be good at fucking, too.”
“You gay bastard, seriously. Don’t touch my dick.”
“I don’t give a shit about your dick, thanks.”
“Then go the fuck to sleep. Why are you holding on to me?”
“You evil bastard…”
After that, Kang Yejun cursed at me for a long while before passing out.
It had been a truly shitty drunken episode.
The next day, when that hungover bastard was drinking water, I asked him, “Did you want Cha Seokhyeon’s dick that badly?”
He sprayed the water out of his mouth.
It was so filthy I clicked my tongue, and Kang Yejun, his face bright red, flew into a rage. He asked what kind of bullshit I was spouting and why I was starting shit first thing in the morning, so I kicked him in the calf and went to wash up.
Since he was that kind of bastard, wouldn’t he fall for it if Cha Seokhyeon seduced him?
He went insane for dick, so a little nudge should be enough to make him cave.
Cha Seokhyeon tilted his head.
Why was a bastard that big trying to look cute?
When I scowled, Cha Seokhyeon gently brushed his index finger over the crease between my brows.
“Would he fall for me just because I tried to seduce him?”
“He’d fall for you even if you didn’t try.”
“I’ve never seduced anyone before.”
“Just shut up and do it. Shove your face in front of him and touch him a little.”
I was getting irritated.
What was so hard about this?
“Okay. What after that?”
“What else? We blow him up. Burying a gay bastard is easy as hell. Circulate the footage through GV sites or something.”
“……”
“Are you worried? That your face might get exposed too?”
“No. I don’t care if it does.”
Cha Seokhyeon looked at me with a resolute expression.
Why the hell did he say something like that with such grave determination?
I stared at him pitifully for a moment, then stopped.
Then I thought about my plans from here.
First, I needed to find out whether Kang Yejun already had a sponsor. Then I had to confirm whether he’d met that gangster bastard yet. If he hadn’t, I would steal him first.
How should I ruin that gangster bastard?
Right. The youngest.
Yoon Jiwoo needed to be crushed too.
That son of a bitch had pinned his own crime on kind, innocent me.
I was going to be busy.
The thought of grinding them down one by one put me in a good mood.
Why I had returned to the past didn’t matter.
What mattered was that I had died and come back to life.
And now I had a chance to take revenge on those bastards.
When I lay down on the bed, Cha Seokhyeon lay down beside me.
He stroked my hair and said, “You’re thinking something rotten again, aren’t you? This is the first time I’ve seen that face since we debuted.”
Since this bastard was thoroughly insane too, his voice sounded rather excited when he said it.
*****
At this point in time, our group was a hopeless flop.
Every song we released tanked, and we had fucking zero popularity.
I let the section chief’s words go in one ear and out the other.
Originally, Cha Seokhyeon’s withdrawal should have been finalized today. After that, our group wouldn’t do any real activities for the next two years.
Kang Yejun, that bastard, had only appeared on some bizarre variety shows by himself thanks to his sponsor’s pull. In practice, we’d been no different from a disbanded group.
Only after the youngest blew up and gained popularity did we start promoting properly again.
I died right when the group was finally about to do well.
I hadn’t enjoyed a damn thing, so what the hell had that gangster bastard meant by saying I was riding anyone’s coattails?
The section chief was delighted when Cha Seokhyeon said he would stay, then quickly became depressed again.
It wasn’t as if anything about our current situation would magically improve just because he stayed. We simply wouldn’t fall any farther than we already had.
The section chief told us to leave and called someone.
I gave Cha Seokhyeon a look.
Cha Seokhyeon spoke to Kang Yejun.
Kang Yejun must have been startled, because he started stammering. I laughed inside at the sight.
Cha Seokhyeon never had private conversations with any members besides me. Because that bastard had less social sense than a brick, people misunderstood him however they liked. They thought he was stoic and manly, and they loved him for it.
I looked at the visibly anxious Yoon Jiwoo.
“Yoon Jiwoo.”
“Yes, hyung. What is it?”
“Let’s talk.”
I slung an arm around his shoulders as if we were close and started walking.
This bastard must have been bewildered too.
Aside from Cha Seokhyeon, I almost never had private conversations either, so people misunderstood me however they liked.
They thought that rude bastard was picky about who he dealt with.
It wasn’t that I lacked social skills. I simply knew nothing good would come from getting involved.
I dragged Yoon Jiwoo to an empty hallway.
The air felt stifling, so I opened a window. Cold wind blew in and scattered my black hair.
Yoon Jiwoo was making it painfully obvious that he felt uncomfortable.
I asked him, “Jiwoo, you want to make it big, don’t you?”
“…Don’t you, hyung? Actually, I guess you never cared in the first place. Seokhyeon hyung too.”
“I care a lot.”
I leaned against the wall and stared straight at Yoon Jiwoo.
“I want to make it big too. That’s why I have a favor to ask.”
“A favor?”
“You know the program coming up, the one that debuts idols, right? You should go on it too.”
Yoon Jiwoo looked troubled.
Of course he did.
This was the first season, so most idols didn’t want to appear on it. If they went on and crashed, their group would only be ruined further.
In reality, Yoon Jiwoo hadn’t joined that program until the third season.
I smiled gently.
“I guarantee you’ll succeed if you go.”
“How would you know that?”
“Because you’re someone who’s going to succeed.”
“……”
“You’ve suffered because you met the wrong members. I’m sorry.”
When I spewed that ridiculous nonsense, Yoon Jiwoo’s gaze wavered.
The bastard was thrown off.
He never would have expected me to act like this.
Yoon Jiwoo lowered his head and said in a crawling voice, “I’ll think about it. And it’s not your fault, hyung, so don’t be sorry.”
I smiled brightly and pulled him by the hand.
Then I said warmly, “Thanks. Really.”
Yoon Jiwoo smiled awkwardly back.
I stuck close to him as we headed outside. Maybe because he was still young, he had no suspicion or wariness at all.
It was fascinating that a bastard like this would turn into a son of a bitch three years later.
In the elevator, I stared at him quietly, and Yoon Jiwoo asked, “What? Is there something on my face?”
I answered lightly, “No. You’re just handsome.”
Yoon Jiwoo turned his head away with a bewildered expression.
He was probably wondering why this human being had suddenly started acting like this.
When we went outside, I saw two people standing by the van, whispering into each other’s ears like lovers.
Kang Yejun’s face was flushed, and he was pretending to be demure. Cha Seokhyeon kept murmuring something to him.
I ignored them both and got into the van.
Yoon Jiwoo followed me in, glancing around nervously.
“Did you maybe fight with Seokhyeon hyung?”
“Does it look that way?”
“A little…”
I added playfully, “Then I guess we did.”
“Shouldn’t you make up?”
“What for?”
“You’re on the same team, so it’ll be uncomfortable… and if you fight with Seokhyeon hyung, you’ll feel kind of…”
“Kind of what?”
I sat in the innermost seat and looked out the window.
Yoon Jiwoo sat beside me. After hesitating, he said, “Lonely, maybe. And bored…”
“Are you lonely? Bored?”
“What? Me? Not me. I meant you, Yuha hyung…”
I turned my head and stared at Yoon Jiwoo.
He looked flustered, his fingers fidgeting.
“I’m fine. And even if I weren’t, you could keep me company.”
“What…?”
“I’m saying we should be friends.”
“All of a sudden?”
“Not all of a sudden. I’ve wanted to get closer to you for a while.”
I spouted bullshit as if it were nothing.
Of course, it was absurd. Before this, I had never once shown Yoon Jiwoo the slightest hint that I wanted to get close to him.
Even so, Yoon Jiwoo looked uncertain.
At this point, he really was naive as hell.
Kang Yejun and Cha Seokhyeon climbed into the van together.
Kang Yejun sat beside Yoon Jiwoo, and Cha Seokhyeon took the passenger seat.
With the manager’s mechanical words of encouragement, the van pulled away.
And until we arrived back at the dorm, Yoon Jiwoo kept stealing glances at me.