Yongtai First Year.
As the first light of dawn broke, the early spring snow on the eaves of Taiji Palace had yet to melt, but the eunuchs and palace maids had already swept the paths clean.
Li Xi yawned as he walked briskly along the palace’s bluestone path. He pulled his fox fur cloak tighter around himself, yet he still couldn’t help but shiver.
It was cold. The thawing weather was truly too cold.
In such freezing weather, what the hell was the point of attending morning court? This was too miserable.
The kid was only ten years old! Why did he have to suffer such hardship?
Why were there so many princes of the late Emperor, yet he was the only one who had to attend court? At this age, shouldn’t he be packing his bags and getting the hell out of the capital?
The officials had long since lined up in neat rows. The venerable Guo Ziyi stood at the front of the military officers. Still working at nearly seventy years old—this man was truly admirable. Li Xi politely cupped his hands toward Guo Ziyi, but to his surprise, the old man simply tossed his head to the side, refusing to look at him.
Hmm? Where did I offend him?
The moment Li Xi stepped into the hall, countless gazes shot toward him simultaneously.
It was like a group of top students staring at a classmate who was not only late but also an academic slacker.
Li Xi knew he was late—again.
At any rate, he hadn’t arrived after His Majesty the Emperor, so it wasn’t too outrageous.
Familiar with the routine, Li Xi took his place at the front of the civil and military officials, diagonally behind Crown Prince Li Shi. This was also the position closest to the Emperor of the Tang Dynasty.
“Shaolang, you’re not being a pal. Since you came so early, why didn’t you call me? How do you even get up?” Li Xi glared at his nephew, who was thirteen years older than him, and threatened in a low voice, “Next time I have something delicious, I’m not inviting you.”
Li Shi looked at his young uncle, who was barely older than his own eldest son. “How far is the Eastern Palace from Chengqing Hall? It’s not exactly on the way.”
Please, just give it a rest. Don’t you know Imperial Father has been very annoyed with you lately?
Li Xi felt very wronged. “Why don’t the late Emperor’s other princes have to attend court?”
Li Shi: “…” That’s because they’re of no use to Imperial Father. Besides, Father wouldn’t be able to hear your constant yapping anywhere else.
“Because they have all gone to their fiefs.”
“I want to go to a fief, too.”
“Where do you want to be enfeoffed?”
Li Xi let out a yawn. “Somewhere I don’t have to wake up early for court.”
Li Shi: “…”
Unbeknownst to them, their quiet gossiping had drawn many sideways glances. The civil and military officials cast looks of envy toward him. Favored by the late Emperor, held in high esteem by the current Emperor, getting along harmoniously with the Crown Prince, and even leading the eldest imperial grandson to cause trouble all over Taiji Palace—this person was truly a model of family bliss, brotherly devotion, and uncle-nephew love! Truly a moving display of affection!
The Thirteenth Highness was the most favored among the late Emperor’s sons, and he remained the most favored even in the current reign.
As soon as Li Xi stood still, a series of “ding-dong” complaining voices suddenly rang out in the minds of those closest to him:
【 I can understand why Shaolang, that mascot, has to attend court, but why do I have to come too? I don’t understand, and I do not respect this decision! 】
Crown Prince Li Shi: Damn it, who the hell is a mascot?!
The second prince, Li Miao, let out a small smile.
【 Why is this guy Erlang here to make up the numbers, too? Shouldn’t he be going to a fief even more than me? I should mention it to Imperial Brother later and have him settled right next door to me. Though, being neighbors probably wouldn’t matter; vassal kings aren’t allowed to visit each other. Emo. 】
The smile on Li Miao’s face vanished instantly.
Li Xi sneezed—
【 Who’s thinking about me? 】
The officials: “…”
Having finished his inner complaining, Li Xi glanced at the upright Guo Ziyi and couldn’t help but shiver. The old fellow was truly something; even with a graying beard, it was said he could still mount a horse and shoot a great eagle with a bow.
【 So miserable, so miserable. A seventy-year-old man still has to work the early shift. Is this a lapse of morality or a lack of humanity? 】
Guo Ziyi’s body swayed slightly. …Can’t a man refuse to grow old?!
The Thirteenth Highness stood perfectly straight, his demeanor so proper that there was nothing to criticize.
Hmph, it’s just that his inner monologue is too much.
【 Fine, Guo Ziyi, this overachiever, has successfully made me look even lazier. Even if it’s a short trip from Qinren Ward, it’s not as close as me living right here in Taiji Palace. Maybe it’s because he’s an old man and needs less sleep, while I’m a youth and need my rest. Lack of sleep affects growth! If I end up short because of these early mornings, the civil and military officials might not say it, but they’ll definitely be laughing at me in their hearts. I’ll have to drink some goat milk later; after all, goat milk helps kids grow tall. 】
【 Even if I am short, it’s not my fault. Who told my father to be so old when he had me? Old men have poor sperm quality. I’m lucky I didn’t end up as a total ugly duckling. When court is over, I’ll drink more goat milk. I’ll add some black tea leaves and boil it. In this weather, hot milk tea is so comfortable. 】
Old Man Guo clenched his fists.
If the late Emperor’s spirit was still in Taiji Hall, his fists would probably be itching, too.
These complaints caused Li Yu, who was standing in the rear hall while a eunuch adjusted his belt, to pause.
Complaining about his father being old when he was born? He actually dares to criticize the late Emperor!
【 Sigh, I’m so hungry. I want to eat mutton hotpot. I forgot to tell Xiao Zhuozi before I left that the mutton belly needs to be frozen solid outside so it can be sliced into thin rolls. Swish it in a plain broth, dip it in my secret sauce—the taste is just fire. Even a shoe sole would taste good with that sauce. Ugh, ugh, ugh… I’m so hungry. I also want braised pork shank, old hen soup, and large braised meatballs. I heard another cucumber has ripened in the palace greenhouse. Tonight, this Prince will personally go… between brothers, it can’t be called stealing. It’s called tasting on behalf of His Majesty! 】
But before he could get angry, Li Yu heard the list of dishes.
By the end of it, Li Yu was fuming. I was wondering why I haven’t eaten any cucumbers this winter. Turns out you’ve been stealing them all!
Having woken up early for court, the Emperor had only eaten a few pieces of pastry to line his stomach. Now, he was hungry, too.
Well, the seventy-year-old man also subconsciously rubbed his stomach.
As for the recipe for milk tea, he had also noted it down from Li Xi’s heart-voice. He had tried it at home, and it was indeed excellent. Unknowingly, the milk tea trend had swept through Chang’an. The civil and military officials had not only enjoyed the “first cup of milk tea in autumn” but had also tried various ways of making it.
But why hasn’t the Prince clearly explained how to make this secret sauce that makes even shoe soles taste good?!
Li Xi shifted to the front row and smiled at Guo Ziyi, who was not far away.
The old man’s face seemed a bit off today.
He must be annoyed that I arrived late.
Heh—
Even if the Censorate filed a complaint, it would be useless. Li Xi’s skin was now as thick as a city wall. As the Emperor’s “brother,” as long as he didn’t rebel, no one could really do anything to him.
Just as he settled in, the announcement of the Emperor’s arrival echoed through the hall.
Kneeling on the freezing stone floor of the grand hall, Li Xi shivered again.
Although heaters were lit in the hall, the space was too large for them to be very effective. Standing in the front row, Li Xi could still catch some of the warmth, but the officials in the back near the doors were already frozen numb.
【 Has my Tang Dynasty truly declined? Can we not even afford charcoal anymore? I’m freezing to death. 】
Li Xi wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but he felt the figure of his imperial brother sitting atop the hall sway slightly, and Shaolang beside him also trembled.
Li Xi grinned at the person sitting on the throne. He felt that his imperial brother wasn’t very happy today either.
【 I mean, who wants to be a beast of burden and get up so early? Who made the rule to start work at the crack of dawn? I protest! I solemnly protest! 】
Look, everyone else in the hall agrees. It seems nobody likes getting up early.
At this moment, Chancellor Pei Zunqing stepped forward. Recently, the Army Monitor Guo Fengxian had reported that Pugu Huai’en was planning to rebel. Although Li Yu had dropped the idea of immediately recalling Pugu Huai’en due to the persistence of high-ranking officials, he still summoned the ministers to discuss countermeasures. To avoid suspicion, Guo Ziyi could not speak for him. The ones who came forward to advise were the civil official group led by Chancellor Pei Zunqing. However, despite the strong urging of Pei Zunqing, Yan Zhenqing, and others, this Emperor—who had been traumatized by previous rebels—remained deeply unsettled.
Yan Zhenqing seconded: “The Prince of Daning is loyal and brave. When the An rebel first started the uprising, he immediately sent troops to Lingwu. For the sake of quelling the rebellion, forty-six members of his family sacrificed their lives. His entire family can be called martyrs. I beg Your Majesty to think deeply and not believe the rumors of petty men, lest you chill the hearts of your loyal ministers and generals.”
Pei Zunqing and other ministers also knelt one after another, pleading for Pugu Huai’en.
Li Yu remained unmoved, his heart leaning toward the eunuch monitors. “Times have changed. If he has no intent to rebel, why would he start a war with Xin Yunjing?”
Yan Zhenqing continued, “Xin Yunjing and Pugu Huai’en have always been at odds. He must be trying to provoke Pugu Huai’en into rebelling. Guo Fengxian, the monitor on that route, is also at odds with Pugu Huai’en. That man is treacherous. I beg Your Majesty to investigate clearly.”
Li Xi lowered his head and let out a yawn. If you keep pushing like this, even someone who doesn’t want to rebel will want to. Many Tang people come from ethnic minorities and have quite a temper. No wonder there were so many rebels in the mid-to-late Tang Dynasty. Some are born of ambition, others of suspicion. He complained in his heart:
【 Heh, trusting eunuchs is like expecting a sow to climb a tree. The Tang Dynasty will eventually perish at the hands of internal attendants. 】
【 Guo Fengxian obviously took Xin Yunjing’s money. Otherwise, how could he afford a mansion in Xuanyang Ward, with several beauties kept inside? Those women are even better-looking than Consort Cui! 】
【 Once Pugu Huai’en rebels against you and leads the Tubo into Chang’an, you lot of yapping eunuchs will just hide behind the generals. In the end, won’t you have to let Guo Ziyi wipe your asses? Poor seventy-year-old man. At such an old age, he still can’t have a peaceful day. He earns a pittance but does life-threatening work. Alas! 】
Guo Ziyi turned pale with fright, his eyes darting toward Li Yu.
Li Yu’s expression was even worse. Rebel, rebel, enter Chang’an… To hear such words from an imperial prince’s mouth, spoken as if they were someone else’s business—Little brother, do you have any heart at all? Is this Tang Dynasty only my court and no one else’s?
At this moment, Li Yu felt a surge of foul air rush to his head; he felt like he was about to faint.
“Ten… ten… ten…”
The lead eunuch beside him quickly supported him, whispering in his ear, “Your Majesty, please do not peer into the secrets of heaven anymore. Be careful with your health.”
Li Yu had peered into the “heavenly secrets” too much, causing his health to decline. Whenever he sat here, his head would buzz. Lately, it had begun to threaten his well-being.
The heavenly secrets were good, but they were too noisy.
Yet the heavenly secrets were addictive; once he started listening, he couldn’t stop.
Li Yu wondered if he had been too quick to listen to the ministers’ advice about enfeoffing his young brother.
Standing in the front row, Li Xi was the closest and the first to notice the Emperor’s abnormality. He looked at Li Yu with concern, his mind going momentarily blank with fear. Li Shi even rushed up to the throne and knelt at Li Yu’s feet.
The brief silence gave Li Yu a moment to breathe, but soon, a “chicken squawk” echoed in his mind again—
【 Aaaaaah! Oh my god, is Imperial Brother having a stroke? It’s no joke if a blood vessel bursts. Imperial Brother favors Erlang so much, it really makes Dalang sad. If parents can’t treat their children equally, it makes Dalang angry and Erlang disrespectful to Dalang, which breeds resentment toward Imperial Brother. I can already imagine when Imperial Brother is about to kick the bucket in the future, the brothers will be discussing whether to stop his medicine. Dalang will say ‘stop it,’ and Erlang will say ‘okay.’ 】
Li Yu’s pupils shook: You brat! You brat! You want to kill me!
Several ministers in the front row tried their best to stifle their laughter. It was no secret that the Emperor favored the illegitimate son born to Consort Cui.
If the Crown Prince hadn’t already established a solid foundation, who knows how many times he would have been deposed by now.
Crown Prince Li Shi slightly turned his face away.
The second prince really wanted to turn around at this moment and crack open his young uncle’s head to see what on earth he was thinking about all day.
Over there, Li Xi was already starving to the point of being expressionless.
Guo Ziyi had finally managed to hold back his laughter when he heard another “ding-dong” in his head—
【 The seventy-year-old man’s sons are quite capable, but his wife is far too jealous. Who would have thought that Old Guo, such a henpecked husband, wouldn’t dare say a word even when his wife pulls his ears? No one would ever guess. 】
Guo Ziyi’s heart stalled. My image! My image!
He looked at Li Xi again; the fellow still had a perfectly serious expression.
Li Yu felt like he could breathe again. He shot a malicious glance at Guo Ziyi. Seeing that Guo Ziyi was still maintaining that stoic face, Li Yu was secretly laughing his head off. Go on, keep pretending.
Li Xi remained expressionless and stern.
I don’t care where I’m enfeoffed. As long as I go to a fief, I won’t have to attend court from dawn to dusk.
I’ll eat whatever I want and never have to deal with the Imperial Kitchen’s attitude again.
Once I reach the fief, I’ll definitely start large-scale greenhouse farming. My technology will definitely surpass the Emperor’s greenhouse.
When I get good food, I definitely won’t let Imperial Brother know.
These rebellious thoughts of “eating alone” sparked anger in Li Yu.
Is this even a prince? Is there any justice? He’s starving, and his head is filled with nothing but food!
“Chili, what do you think?” Chili was Li Xi’s nickname.
Li Xi stood up straight, his face stiff from hunger. He said casually, “Your servant and brother is like a brick; wherever I’m needed, just move me there.”
Li Yu: “…Speak human.”
Li Xi cupped his hands, as if afraid Li Yu would refuse. “I have only one request. May I take my mother to the fief to spend her old age?”
Li Yu sneered. “Wherever you’re needed, you’ll go?”
Li Xi: “That depends on where Imperial Brother intends to send me.”
【 Hehehe, as long as I go to a fief, Imperial Brother can’t always make me attend court. Master Yan won’t be able to force me to practice calligraphy, and the seventy-year-old fellow will finally have some peace, no longer having to drag me out to practice martial arts early in the morning. From now on, the sky is high and the sea is wide for me to fly. Hahahaha! 】
Li Yu: “…”
Yan Zhenqing: “…”
Guo Ziyi: “…” Such profligate behavior is truly outrageous.
In a fit of pique, Li Yu pointed randomly at a spot on the map. “Then you shall go here.”
The two young eunuchs holding the map trembled and fell to their knees with a thud. The officials followed the Emperor’s hand.
Anxi, in the Western Regions.
Li Yu froze. He hadn’t meant it.
But the word of the Son of Heaven is final.
Li Xi was also stunned. That place.
I knew Imperial Brother’s affection for me was fake. Hmph.
Li Yu looked down at the little shorty standing there dazed. For a moment, he was furious, then overjoyed. He laughed inwardly with glee. Beg for mercy, my dear brother! If you cry, wail, and beg for mercy in your mind, I might consider changing your territory.
At that moment, a “ding-dong” rang in the minds of Li Yu and the others—
【 Wohoho! Baked Buns, Big Plate Chicken, and Lamb Skewers—here I come! 】