Eating a giant bug is a lot harder when you don’t have hands to hold it down.
I slithered out from my muddy hiding spot, my new three-foot-long body dragging through the wet grass. The slate-grey scales of the Greater Ditch Noodle path felt heavy and stiff, like I was wearing a suit of thick, flexible plastic. It wasn’t elegant. I didn’t look like a legendary dragon or a majestic forest predator. I looked like an oversized nightcrawler that had spent too much time near a chemical plant.
But as I crept closer to the rotting log, my yellow slitted eyes locked onto the green horned beetle.
The thing was massive. It was easily the size of a large grapefruit, covered in a shiny, emerald-green shell that looked as hard as a construction worker’s hardhat. A single, nasty looking horn stuck straight out from its forehead, twitching slightly as the bug chewed on the edge of a glowing blue mushroom.
[Target Identified: Mana-Horned Beetle (Tier 1)]
[Danger Level: Low (If you don’t get impaled like a cocktail sausage)]
[Biomass Value: High]
’Hey, System,’ I whispered in my mind, keeping my head low in the weeds. ’Can my teeth even pierce that shell? It looks like a walking tin can.’
[System: Short answer? No. Your little baby fangs will snap right off if you try to crunch the main body. Long answer? Every tin can has a lid. Look at the joints under the legs. Or better yet, blind the bloody thing first.]
Right.Themud trick.
I drew my noodle body into a tight coil, gathering a big, nasty glob of wet forest muck into the back of my throat. The skill Dirt Spit felt weirdly natural now—like having a mouth full of soda right before you spray it at someone, except way grosser.
The beetle stopped chewing. Its long, feathery antennae spun around, pointing straight toward my bush. It sensed me.
Before it could fly off or charge, I snapped my jaws open and hawked a thick bullet of black mud right at its face.
Thwack.
The mud hit the beetle dead-on, plastering its tiny black eyes and clogging the joints around its horn. The insect went entirely wild. It let out a tiny, high-pitched buzzing sound, its wings flapping frantically as it tried to shake the goo off its head. It lost its balance, tumbling off the rotting log and landing flat on its back in the dirt, six prickly green legs kicking the air like an upturned table.
Opportunity!
I didn’t think twice. I surged forward like a released spring, my slate-grey body tearing through the grass. I didn’t try to bite its shell. Instead, I threw my entire three-foot length over its belly, coiling around its body to pin those nasty, kicking legs down into the mud.
The beetle was incredibly strong. The moment my body wrapped around it, the insect violently thrashed. One of its sharp legs caught me right in the side.
Skrrrt.
A sharp, stinging pain flared up my spine, but my Thicker Skin trait did its job. The leg didn’t rip me open; it just scraped against my hardened, muddy scales, leaving a shallow white mark.
’Hold still, you giant cockroach!’ I hissed mentally, squeezing with every bit of muscle I had.
I arched my neck back, aimed right for the soft, fleshy gap where its head met its chest armor, and drove my teeth in as hard as I could.
Squish.
A thick, yellowish goo burst out of the joint, tasting intensely like old cabbage. The beetle gave one massive, final shudder, its legs locking up completely before going totally limp.
[PING! Target Slain: Mana-Horned Beetle (Tier 1)]
[Biomass Gained: 800 / 5,000]
[Trait Acquired: ’Carapace Shard’ (Minor - F-Grade)]
[System Note: Look at you, Barry. You successfully choked out a bug. Truly, a terrifying display of wilderness dominance. Don’t forget to eat your vegetables.]
I uncoiled my body, panting inside my own skull. The beetle was dead, but the yellow goo leaking onto the mud smelled surprisingly sweet now—probably because of that glowing blue mushroom it had been eating earlier.
Speaking of the mushroom...
I looked up at the rotting log. The fungus was still sitting there, pulsing with a faint, soft blue light that made the surrounding damp leaves look like they were glowing under a neon sign.
[System: Well, potato, you’re at a crossroads. That mushroom is full of raw mana. For a normal snake, it’s basically poison. For a Ditch Noodle with a system like me? It’s a mutation lottery ticket. You want to eat it, or are you too chicken?]
I slithered back up the log, my tail dragging behind me. I stared at the glowing blue cap. After five years of eating expired microwave meals from the grocery store clearance aisle, a glowing forest mushroom didn’t even rank in the top ten worst things I’d put in my mouth.
’Screw it,’ I thought, opening my jaws wide. ’Down the hatch.’
I leaned forward and took a massive bite out of the glowing blue stalk.
The moment the glowing blue stalk hit the back of my throat, my entire vision went completely haywire. Bright, flashing static lines streaked across my eyes, and my tiny snake brain felt like it was being microwaved. I tumbled off the rotting log and hit the dirt, my three-foot body twisting and coiling into a frantic, chaotic knot.
’System!’ I screamed inside my head, my jaw locked shut as cold, tingling energy zapped down my spine. ’You said it was a lottery ticket! This feels like a death sentence!’
[System: Calm your scales, Barry. The raw mana is just resetting your internal code. A normal ditch worm would have turned into a blue puddle of grease by now. Just hold on to your thumbs—oh wait, you don’t have any.]
[ALERT: Foreign Magic Energy Detected.]
[Analyzing Source: Low-Grade Mana Fungus.]
[Compatibility Check: Greater Ditch Noodle ➔ 8% Compatibility.]
[System Intervention: Commencing Forced Patch.]
[Combining ’Dirt Spit’ (Active) with ’Mana Core Fragment’...]
[Evolution Progress: 1,800 / 5,000]
The zapping feeling slowly faded, replaced by a deep, heavy numbness in my throat. I uncoiled myself from the mud, shivering. When I breathed out, a tiny wisp of glowing blue mist drifted out from my nostrils and floated up into the dark forest air.
[System: Well, look at that. You didn’t explode. Congratulations, you lucky bastard. Your garbage skill just got a massive software update.]
[Skill Mutated!]
’Dirt Spit’ (Tier 1) ➔ ’Heavy Sludge Bomb’ (Tier 1 - Magic Infused)
[Effect: Fires a dense, pressurized ball of magical mud. On impact, the mud hardens instantly into solid stone, trapping the target’s limbs.]
I blinked. Solid stone?
That wasn’t just a dirty trick anymore. That was a legitimate weapon. I looked down at a small pool of rainwater nearby to check my reflection. My slate-grey scales still looked like dull, wet clay, but right around my neck, a faint ring of glowing blue patterns had appeared, pulsing softly in sync with my heartbeat.
’Not bad,’ I thought, a smug smile forming inside my snake head. ’I’m basically a magical turret now.’
[System: Don’t get too cocky, potato. The magic energy you just swallowed was like setting off a flare in a dark alley. Every predator within a mile just smelled a free snack. And speaking of which... look behind you.]
The casual, joking tone in the System’s voice vanished instantly. I spun my body around, my scales scraping against the damp leaves.
The forest had gone completely silent. The insects had stopped buzzing, the birds had stopped chirping, and even the wind seemed to have died. Twenty feet away, emerging from the thick fog of the bushes, a massive creature stepped onto the path.
It was the Shadow Wolf the mercenaries had been tracking.
The beast was the size of a pickup truck. Its fur was made of shifting, midnight-black smoke that seemed to swallow the light around it. Its eyes were two burning pools of crimson fire, and its paws left burnt, smoking patches in the damp grass with every step it took.
It didn’t look like a normal animal. It looked like a living nightmare.
The wolf’s massive head turned slowly, its glowing red eyes locking onto the faint blue ring around my neck. It let out a low, rumbling growl that vibrated straight through the ground, making my entire noodle body shake.
[Target Identified: Rogue Shadow Wolf (Tier 2 - Calamity Beast)]
[Danger Level: Extreme (You are a single crunchy bite away from the afterlife)]
[System Advice: I’d tell you to use ’Mud Camouflage’, but it already sees your glowing neck. Good luck, mate.]
The wolf lowered its front legs, its smoky tail whipping through the air. It was getting ready to lunge.
I was completely outmatched. I couldn’t run, and I couldn’t hide. My only hope was the crazy, untested magic trick sitting in the back of my throat.
I drew my three-foot body back into a tight spring, opening my jaws wide as a bright blue light began to crackle deep inside my chest.
’Let’s see how you like a mouthful of concrete, you oversized dog,’ I hissed mentally.