The passage of time is like a filter over ugliness. When he tries to scrape it away with a sharp knife, expecting to see the ugliness again, what he finds instead is discomfort.
The simple countdown hanging on the living room wall has only twenty sheets left.
Ji An tears off one sheet and looks toward the door. He has seen You Fu enter in all sorts of ways, from youthful innocence to awkward adolescence, and now, shedding that awkwardness, he reveals maturity.
The closed living room door remains quiet. You Fu has gone back to attend the Evening Study Session at the request of his homeroom teacher.
Both are very busy, and after You Fu goes to the study session, the number of times they meet in a day can be counted on one hand.
Ji An tells himself he will have to get used to his absence sooner or later.
He waters the plants on the balcony, cooks dinner, tidies up the room, and changes the flickering light bulb in the storage room. These are things You Fu usually does.
Finally, he sits down to eat dinner slowly at the empty dining table.
After washing up, he returns to his room and plays on his phone for a while. Suddenly, he remembers he left the used dishes on the dining table without washing them, as he usually leaves right after eating, and You Fu cleans up.
Just as he is about to go out, he hears a noise at the entrance. You Fu has returned, so he sits back down.
The short videos he scrolls through in his restless state don’t register in his mind. He gently pushes open the door.
You Fu is quietly eating the cold leftovers. His sleek black hair reflects a delicate sheen under the light. The high collar of his shirt emphasizes his broad back without making it look bulky.
He’s so well-behaved, never making a fuss.
How did he grow up so much?
Ji An gestures at the level of his nose, remembering that the boy used to only reach up to here, and now he’s taller.
You Fu senses his gaze, puts down his chopsticks, rummages through his backpack, and comes over to Ji An.
“Give me your hand.”
Ji An extends his hand, and You Fu places something from his palm onto Ji An’s slender wrist.
The metallic object glints coldly. It’s Ji An’s mechanical watch, the hands trembling slightly as they move.
You Fu fastens the butterfly clasp on the strap. “The watch hands were broken. I took it to get fixed today. Last time you mentioned the strap was a bit loose, so I had two links removed.”
Ji An twists the watch around his wrist. It’s a perfect fit. “I thought it was lost. Where did you find it?”
“In the bucket in the storage room.”
They are standing close, and Ji An notices the faint dark circles under You Fu’s eyes, making him look a bit haggard. He can’t help but wonder if the boy hasn’t been sleeping well lately.
Ji An says, “I couldn’t find it. How did you?”
You Fu replies, “Because you said you wanted to find it.”
You Fu holds his wrist, carefully wiping the watch face with a cloth.
Ji An suddenly remembers mentioning offhandedly a few days ago that he couldn’t find the watch and wanted to use it as an accessory.
Whatever Ji An wants to do, as long as it’s possible, You Fu will make it happen.
Sometimes Ji An feels like he’s not raising a younger brother, but an obedient servant.
He nods, says nothing more, and returns to his room, closing the door.
……
The self-harm episode had left a significant psychological shadow on Gu Ziyu, who often found excuses to stick around and cheer him up.
Ji An’s desk was adorned with all sorts of quirky little dolls placed there by Gu Ziyu.
Xun Yi teased them, “You two are moving at a snail’s pace. It’s been months, and you’re still just holding hands.”
The hand-holding was initiated by Gu Ziyu. During a team-building hike, there was a steep section of the trail. With his mountaineering experience, Gu Ziyu stayed behind Ji An, encouraging him and occasionally lending a hand.
As they neared the destination, Gu Ziyu used the excuse of pulling Ji An up a small slope to naturally take his hand.
Their colleagues saw and started to tease them. Worried Ji An might feel uncomfortable, Gu Ziyu let go, rubbed the back of his neck, and blushed. “I was just tired from the hike. Brother Yan kindly helped me so I wouldn’t fall behind.”
Later, Xun Yi asked Ji An why he didn’t let go of Gu Ziyu’s hand.
Without thinking, Ji An said, “Wasn’t he just helping me up the mountain?”
Xun Yi gave him a strange look, sizing him up. “Hiking, hand in hand, my goodness, even if you say it, I can’t believe it. You aren’t really gay, are you? I’ve never seen you date a girl all these years.”
Ji An paused. “I’m more inclined to be asexual.”
He was somewhat averse to marriage and romance, reasons deeply rooted in his family. In his world, his maternal grandparents didn’t love each other, his parents didn’t love each other, leaving him with scant familial affection and nothing else.
Growing up in a loveless environment, one either becomes a parasitic plant clinging to a lover or a cold-blooded creature indifferent to love.
Ji An belonged to the latter.
“Asexual? Come on,” Xun Yi scoffed. “Straight guys avoid gay guys like the plague, but here you are, holding hands with a wolf.”
“If you say so, but he’s a good person.”
Ji An fiddled with a bulging-eyed yellow chicken doll on his desk and received a link to a short film from Xun Yi.
Xun Yi whispered in his ear, “Do you dare bet you’re truly asexual? There are both same-sex and opposite-sex sections in here. If you can watch videos from both sections without feeling anything, I’ll call you Grandpa!”
Ji An: “…” Are you crazy?
Ji An and Gu Ziyu inevitably grew closer. Gu Ziyu’s home was far from here, so he often parked his car under Ji An’s building, and they would go to work together. After work, they would wait for each other, chatting and laughing as they walked to Ji An’s place, before Gu Ziyu drove off.
Today, the walk was a bit unbearable for Ji An because Gu Ziyu had worn perfume. Ji An never liked the smell of perfume, so he held his breath slightly, occasionally responding to Gu Ziyu’s words.
Finally reaching the building, Ji An said goodbye and turned to leave, but his wrist was caught. He was pulled back with force, colliding into Gu Ziyu’s embrace.
Gu Ziyu wrapped his arms around him, apologizing softly, “I know this might be presumptuous, can you forgive me? It’s been so long since I felt this way. Did you hear it?”
Ji An, dizzy from the strong scent of perfume, nodded haphazardly. “I heard, I heard.”
Gu Ziyu chuckled, his laughter magnetic. “Do you know what that sound is?”
Ji An, overwhelmed by the scent, saw black spots. “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
“It’s the sound of a heartbeat.” Gu Ziyu’s eyes glimmered with a soft light.
Ji An continued to nod randomly. “Oh, oh.”
Gu Ziyu, feeling a flutter of spring in his heart, held him tighter, enjoying the gentle breeze brushing Ji An’s hair against his face. What a tranquil night.
Ji An couldn’t take it anymore. He was about to vomit. “What brand of perfume are you using?”
“Do you like it? I can give it to you.”
“I…” Ji An wanted to say thank you very much, but what came out was, “I feel like throwing up.”
“Ah…” The love song playing in Gu Ziyu’s mind came to an abrupt halt. He released Ji An and stepped back, a bit embarrassed, apologizing, “I’m sorry. I thought I’d make a good impression, but it seems I’ve overdone it.”
Ji An’s nose finally found relief. He shook his head. “It’s fine. You’re good without the perfume.” If you spray it again, I’ll kill you.
“I thought perfume could enhance one’s aura.”
Ji An took a moment and said, “Perfume is optional. Some people don’t need it at all.” Damn, the smell is so disgusting.
Gu Ziyu asked, “What scent do you like?”
Ji An smiled. “You’re fine as you are, without any scent.” I prefer the smell of smoke.
They said goodbye from a distance.
Ji An walked into the apartment building, pulled out a cigarette from his pocket, and lit it, trying to mask the nauseating scent.
Gu Ziyu watched him go, his eyes still filled with tenderness. His phone buzzed with a notification from a blue app. He took it out and skillfully inquired about the other person’s age, height, weight, appearance, and attributes…
Ji An finished his cigarette in the stairwell, pocketed the extinguished butt, and slowly climbed the stairs.
Reaching the fifth floor, he walked through the corridor. As he passed the elevator, the doors opened.
A tall boy in a blue and white school uniform emerged from the slowly opening elevator doors. The elevator light cast shadows under his bangs, obscuring his eyes.
The voice-activated lights in the corridor didn’t turn on, and the elevator’s light couldn’t fully penetrate the boy’s body into the corridor. Ji An was shrouded in shadow.
He turned his head and saw the boy’s lips curl without a hint of a smile.
“Brother, what a coincidence.”
Ji An glanced him up and down, then looked away, not stopping his steps. “Mm.”
You Fu lowered his head near Ji An’s shoulder, uttering two words out of nowhere, “Perfume.”
“What?”
You Fu fell half a step behind, following him forward. “You smell like perfume. You don’t like wearing perfume.”
Ji An paused at his words. Hadn’t he smoked? How did You Fu smell it? Was he a bloodhound?
“None of your business.” He said as he entered the door, entering the lock code.
Inside, You Fu crouched down, expertly grabbing Ji An’s ankle to remove his shoes, asking softly, “Did you meet your colleague on the way? Is it from him? Did he touch you?”
“I said it has nothing to do with you.”
Ji An’s ankle suddenly tightened. Annoyed, he kicked You Fu, put on his slippers, and took out leftovers from the fridge to heat in the microwave.
There wasn’t much conversation at the dinner table. After eating, You Fu washed the dishes and went to his room to study, a not-so-pretty drawing tucked in his books. It was a sketch of Ji An’s features from before, but on this face, an unnecessary dimple was added at the corner of the mouth.
Ji An didn’t have dimples.
Only You Xia had dimples.
You Fu finished two English reading passages. The door opened, and Ji An walked in without a word, hanging a bunch of colorful dolls from a bag onto the edge of his black backpack.
In no time, seven or eight small dolls hung low on the backpack: a tomato holding its bladder, a bulging-eyed yellow chicken, a bald little mouse… The small dolls stared wide-eyed at You Fu.
You Fu: “…”
Ji An suppressed a laugh, warning, “These things are too ugly. I don’t like them. If you dare take them off, I’ll kill you.”
You Fu’s mouth twitched. “I’ll try.”
Ji An ruffled his hair like petting a dog and leisurely left.
……
It was late at night. After thanking Gu Ziyu for the ugly dolls, Ji An lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, his mind replaying the day’s events.
Xun Yi was really something, Ji An thought. Sending links for no reason, wasn’t it a reminder to take care of business?
Though Ji An leaned towards being asexual, he was still a man, not indifferent to desire. Watching short films was inevitable, and as for the sections, he clicked whichever, not picky.
After all, they were just bodies intertwined. What difference did it make? As long as there was a feeling.
With nothing else to do, he had been abstinent for days, so he clicked the link and reached down.
The light from the small lamp wrapped around his eyes, half-closing them. His fair skin slowly beaded with sweat, scattering fine light under the lamp.
From sitting to curling up, he slowly sank with the help of the screen’s images and sounds.
Unfortunately, in his descent, he forgot he hadn’t closed the door tightly, leaving a small gap. A shadow stood at the door for a long time, then silently slipped away.
Silently…