Before long, Ji An emerged from his room and walked straight to You Fu.
You Fu looked up, and just like before, their eyes met, maintaining the brotherly bond they always had.
You Fu extended his hand, palm up.
Ji An placed a phone in his palm, along with a brand-new screen protector.
Ji An had intended to use this gesture to ease their relationship, hoping You Fu would stand up, but his words got stuck in his throat as You Fu knelt at his feet, applying the screen protector on the floor.
Afterward, he handed the phone back to Ji An, then bent down, resting his head in Ji An’s outstretched hand, obediently waiting for a reward for his compliance.
The gesture was sincere and devout, yet not at all servile.
The soft touch made Ji An’s fingers flinch slightly, and the words “crazy” flashed through his mind, but he still ruffled You Fu’s hair with a satisfied smile. “Go to sleep.”
Perhaps because of the kneeling position earlier, You Fu’s legs were a bit numb, and he stumbled as he got up. Without thinking, Ji An extended an arm.
You Fu steadied himself with Ji An’s arm, then returned to his room, his steps steady, though Ji An didn’t notice…
What kept You Fu there was the promise of unknown rewards. Ji An told himself that when the agreed time came, there would always be other ways to keep him.
He couldn’t just let him go off to a better life.
A cold soda can pressed against Ji An’s face, pulling his thoughts back.
Gu Ziyu handed him the can of cola, pulled up a chair, and sat beside him, asking with concern, “What’s wrong? You seem down. Wasn’t it your brother’s birthday yesterday? Did he upset you?”
Ji An placed the cola on the table, showing no intention of drinking it. “Yeah.”
Gu Ziyu comforted him, “At his age, it’s hard to understand a guardian’s good intentions. Don’t take it to heart. Maybe he’s still going through a rebellious phase?”
“He never had a rebellious phase. He’s very obedient.”
Gu Ziyu helped tidy Ji An’s slightly messy hair. “If he’s so well-behaved, then why did he upset you?”
Ji An shook his head, indicating he didn’t want to talk.
Gu Ziyu wisely didn’t press further and changed the subject. “It’s getting late. Are you heading back? You’ve been sitting here for half an hour.” Gu Ziyu had been sitting with him for half an hour.
Ji An nodded and walked out with him, suddenly remembering something. “Sorry, I forgot to tell you not to wait for me.”
“Why?”
“It’s Friday.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s likely to come pick me up after school.”
Gu Ziyu frowned. “He never used to come on Fridays.”
Ji An didn’t know why he was so sure You Fu would come. You Fu hadn’t told him he would, but Ji An just felt he would.
Sure enough, in the lobby downstairs, You Fu was leisurely sitting on the sofa, flipping through a geography magazine. Hearing familiar footsteps, his gaze lifted, briefly passing over Gu Ziyu and landing on Ji An’s face. “Brother.”
Gu Ziyu felt a sense of discomfort rising within him. He always felt that You Fu’s gaze was too mature for someone his age, especially when he looked at him with a hint of disdain, as if he were an object.
Ignoring the discomfort, he waved enthusiastically. “Hi, You Fu, you’re here early today.”
“Yeah.” You Fu’s gaze remained on Ji An’s face, not sparing Gu Ziyu a glance even as he approached them.
Gu Ziyu awkwardly lowered his hand.
You Fu tugged on Ji An’s sleeve, his lowered eyes carrying a hint of apology. “I woke you up again last night. I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful in the future.”
Ji An wasn’t bothered by the noise at night. Thinking about You Fu’s worsening insomnia, he brushed aside the hair slightly covering You Fu’s eyes and saw the red veins in them.
“Let me take you to see a doctor,” Ji An suggested.
You Fu’s hand, gripping his sleeve, wavered slightly. “Can I?”
“Why not?”
Gu Ziyu watched the brotherly bond between them, feeling somewhat out of place, and volunteered, “I can drive you there.”
You Fu ignored him and asked Ji An, “Can’t you drive?”
Ji An replied, “I can.”
You Fu said, “Then let’s go.”
Gu Ziyu interjected, “Then I…”
You Fu cut him off, still speaking to Ji An, “Is there a problem?”
The persistent attitude made Gu Ziyu uncomfortable. He wanted to say more, but Ji An said, “No problem.”
So Gu Ziyu closed his mouth, but he still insisted on driving them home, saying a simple goodbye to Ji An before driving away, casting a resentful glance at You Fu’s back.
On the way to the hospital, the two didn’t speak much. You Fu did, however, say quietly, “A fly.”
Ji An knew he was referring to Gu Ziyu, like a fly buzzing around, annoying and loud.
Ji An said, “He means well.”
You Fu replied, “Misplaced good intentions are disgusting.”
Ji An wanted to say something to counter that, but after racking his brain, he couldn’t find the words. All he said was, “You’re still too young, seeing things too one-sidedly.”
“Too young?” You Fu seemed to find that amusing, his fingers tapping rhythmically on his leg.
At an age where one could be held accountable for murder, could he really be considered young?
Ji An thought it was just a routine doctor’s visit, but he didn’t expect You Fu to be diagnosed with mild depression.
Ji An unconsciously tightened his grip on the diagnosis report, his thoughts and heart wrinkling with it.
The doctor prescribed some medication and suggested that You Fu take it easy and not push himself so hard with his studies, warning that it would eventually take a toll on his body.
The echo of their footsteps reverberated in the hospital’s cold corridor, leaving Ji An feeling lost. He turned around, looking at You Fu, who was used to following behind him, and pulled him to the front by his wrist. “Did you really not notice you were sick? If I hadn’t brought you to the hospital today, would you have just kept ignoring it?”
You Fu looked at his face, or rather, observed his expression. “I didn’t know I was sick. I only knew I had thought about suicide.”
The words “thought about suicide” hit Ji An like a heavy blow, shattering his composure.
You Fu said, “It’s okay. It’s normal. There are too many people who think about suicide.”
Ji An knew that when others said they “thought about suicide,” it might be a dissatisfaction with their current life, and leaving that life might erase the suicidal thoughts. But when You Fu thought about suicide, he truly wanted to leave this world without warning one day.
Ji An had never imagined a world without You Fu. What would his life be like?
How could You Fu just disappear so easily?
To die with his hatred, just like Qian Ran, why should he?
If You Fu died, who would he have left to hate?
Ji An thought for a long time, and as they left the hospital, he looked up at the darkening sky. You Fu wrapped a scarf around him, and Ji An noticed his ears were red from the cold. He took off his hat and handed it to him. “Do you want to study abroad? There’s less pressure there.”
You Fu put on the woolen hat, the warmth clinging to his ears. He said, “There’s no need.”
“I’ll pay for your education. You don’t have to worry about the cost.”
“Things are fine here.”
“Do you want to take a break? If you’re worried about falling behind, we can hire a tutor.”
“No need.”
Ji An exhausted all possible options, each one rejected by You Fu. In the end, he could only say, “Just take your medicine.” Stay alive.
He didn’t need to ensure You Fu’s illness would get better, just that he wouldn’t die.
As long as he was alive, carrying his hatred was enough.
Time passed chaotically, tangled like a multicolored ball of yarn, just like Ji An’s emotions.
Ji An no longer ordered You Fu to do things he disliked.
He wanted to cook something You Fu liked, but after thinking for days, he couldn’t remember what You Fu actually enjoyed eating.
He had never paid attention to You Fu, so how could he remember such things?
The medication didn’t improve You Fu’s condition.
Most of the time, You Fu remained in a rather sullen state. Ji An had nothing to say to him, and whenever he spoke, it often came out as arrogant mockery.
He had grown accustomed to belittling You Fu.
Only when Xiao Jiaruan visited did the house, usually silent, fill with laughter. Xiao Jiaruan was like a little sun, full of endless hope for life, noticing every little detail about the people she liked.
She always brought a can of beef jerky when she came.
It took Ji An several observations to realize that You Fu liked beef jerky.
He had never known.
Ji An bought various brands of beef jerky from the store and tossed them to You Fu under his questioning gaze.
“Hey, your hair’s getting a bit long, poking into your eyes. Doesn’t it bother you?” In the bedroom, Xiao Jiaruan tried to brush You Fu’s bangs aside.
You Fu subtly dodged her hand. “No, it doesn’t.”
“Nonsense,” Xiao Jiaruan said, puffing up in annoyance. “Your eyes are all red from it.”
“Solve this problem first, then we can talk about other things. Stop looking at me.”
Xiao Jiaruan’s ears turned red as she buried her head, scribbling numbers on scratch paper.
Ji An stood at the door with a plate of sliced fruit, watching the scene unfold. He closed the door and walked away without looking back.
The sliced fruit ended up in the trash.
Truth be told, he didn’t like Xiao Jiaruan. The girl knew You Fu better than he did, giving him a kind of care he never had.
Every time she came, Ji An felt annoyed, that sour feeling of someone knowing his things better than he did.
It took him a long time to realize his feelings for You Fu were twisted, a possessiveness akin to owning an object. After all, for the past five years, You Fu had only been his.
The memories of their past were filled with cramped rental rooms, corners that couldn’t be cleaned, rusty faucets, leaky showers, narrow single beds… The dilapidated living conditions were something they had always endured together.
There was no shortage of helplessness, pain, and an unspeakable sense of belonging.
“At least I can’t let You Fu go hungry” was his reason for working himself to the bone all those years. He had grown used to You Fu relying solely on him.
Yet he had to admit, with her around, You Fu spoke more than usual.
He didn’t want to see Xiao Jiaruan, yet he wanted her to spend more time with You Fu.
Would more contact help You Fu’s condition?
It didn’t.
Ji An’s sleep quality was poor, often waking up several times at night. One time, he heard movement on the balcony.
It was two in the morning.
He pushed open the balcony door, finding You Fu leaning on the railing, smoking as he gazed at the brightly lit city. The lights were so bright, yet none of them seemed to touch You Fu, the lifelessness around him reaching its peak.
The suffocating feeling pressed on Ji An’s lungs.
You Fu didn’t turn to look at him. Ji An walked over, taking a cigarette from You Fu’s pocket.
“Got a light?” He opened his palm, indicating for You Fu to hand him the lighter.
You Fu turned his head, cupping Ji An’s face, lighting Ji An’s cigarette with his own.
Ji An noticed he seemed to close his eyes. Even though the cigarette was lit, neither of them moved, maintaining that position.
After a while, You Fu released his face and stepped back.
They smoked together in silence, looking out at the city’s nightscape.
Silent, silent.
Ji An finished his cigarette, placing the extinguished butt in You Fu’s pocket, his voice hoarse from the smoke. “You know, I hate you.”
You Fu responded with a faint “Mm.” “So what?”
Ji An clenched his fist. “So you can’t die. Without my permission, you have to keep living, even if it’s painful, even if it’s despairing. I don’t care what happens to you, you must live.”
You Fu nodded, not saying a word.
Ji An’s fist tightened further, not understanding the meaning of that nod, not knowing if it was simply acknowledgment or a promise to keep living.
Ji An waited, hoping You Fu would say he wouldn’t commit suicide.
The night wind tousled his hair, and You Fu’s bangs swayed as well.
You Fu finally spoke. “It’s windy at night. Let’s go back.”
It wasn’t about suicide, and Ji An still didn’t get an answer.
Author’s Note:
If you can, please give the flower a little starfish to help it climb the rankings. Thank you very much!!!