Again, silence fell. The quiet was different from before, and I suddenly became tense. Hesitating, I raised my eyes and saw Lucien staring intently at me from across the table. Was he thinking he misheard?
I opened my mouth to say it again, but the words would not come out easily. I just parted my lips and breathed heavily, when Lucien spoke first.
“...But?”
“Huh?”
His reaction was so casual that I was rather taken aback and opened my eyes wide. Seeing me like that, Lucien said again with the same expression as usual.
“Why? Is there a problem?”
I stared at his face without even blinking. Did he not know what being gay meant?
“Luc, being gay means...”
“I know. It means liking the same sex.”
Lucien cut off my difficult explanation and answered promptly, tilting his head.
“So what’s the big deal?”
Again, I lost my words. Lucien clearly understood. So what was this reaction?
“...Isn’t it strange?”
My voice cracked and I paused for a moment before asking. My voice trembled faintly.
“It’s natural to like the opposite sex, since I’m a Beta. But liking the same sex? Isn’t that strange? Really?”
At my words, Lucien tilted his head the other way this time. He looked seriously as if chewing over what I said, then straightened his head and said,
“Not really, it’s not strange.”
“...Hah.”
A breath I didn’t realize was held burst out of me. I couldn’t believe my first coming out ended so anticlimactically. What was this situation? Bewildered by the unexpected response, unable to speak further, Lucien calmly continued.
“Isn’t it just liking someone? If that’s you liking the same sex, so what’s the problem?”
He sincerely thought so. His serious expression, which I’d never seen before, left me speechless. For some reason, I felt short of breath, so I raised my hand to cover my mouth. I felt a slight tremor in my fingertips.
“Hah, haha.”
For some reason, I chuckled. It was so anticlimactic, yet so relieving. After hiding it over and over, to be brushed off like it was nothing — I couldn’t believe it. Especially hearing it from Lucien Hearst himself. I couldn’t hold it and buried my face in my hands, leaning forward.
“I’m sorry.”
My voice slipped out as if suppressed, but Lucien didn’t respond. Yet I could no longer deceive him like this. Now I had to take responsibility for the deception I’d committed. I steeled myself and opened my mouth again, imagining his clearly puzzled face.
“At first, I lied to you. It wasn’t because I liked you... or wanted to be your friend.”
Still no answer from Lucien. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so I hid my face in my palms and poured out my words rapidly.
“There weren’t enough people on the rowing team and no one I could bring. So I thought of you. Since you’re an Extreme Alpha, I thought you’d do well. And since you were a backup, it didn’t matter if you weren’t outstanding. That’s what I selfishly thought. I’m sorry for lying and deceiving you.”
‘They say they lie and hurt others without feeling any guilt. That they have no emotions.’
The secretary had labeled Lucien a sociopath, but by that logic, I was no different. Until recently, hadn’t I been annoyed and bothered by Lucien following me around? I had forced Lucien into the rowing team for my own benefit.
I couldn’t bear the guilt and disgust toward myself. No wonder Lucien was obsessed and desperately following me. For him, it was the first attention he’d ever received in his life.
But me...
Feeling my eyes sting, Lucien said,
“But... we’re really friends, aren’t we? Right? I’m the only one you have.”
Just like me.
It felt like I overheard words he couldn’t bring himself to say, but in truth, I saw them rather than heard them. Because Lucien’s slowly raised head revealed his thoughts clearly.
What had Lucien said then?
‘Those bastards said I’m not your friend.’
On that cold night after the harsh initiation, shivering and pale, he told me,
‘I said the opposite. You only have me as a friend. Those bastards are all wrong.’
‘See? I was right. You came to save me, because I’m your friend.’
‘We’re the only ones to each other. Right? You only have me as your friend.’
‘I’m the only one you have.’
I just looked at Lucien’s face for a moment. Now I had to say what I couldn’t back then. I must not miss this chance. I whipped myself and forced the words out.
“That’s not true, Luc. I have a lot of friends.”
Lucien’s face, which had been looking at me, instantly turned pale. I suppressed the fear I felt and continued as calmly as possible.
“That doesn’t mean you’re not a friend. You’re my friend, and the Liliths are my friends too. So you’re just one among my friends. You know what I mean, right?”
I took a deep breath and added,
“It’s true I approached you with impure motives at first. But now I really think of you as a friend. That’s why I told you my secret…”
Still, Lucien’s expression didn’t change. Seeing him stiff and motionless, I had no choice but to lay down my last card.
“You’re the only one I’ve confessed to about being gay.”
Lucien moved slightly at those words. As if a frozen lake suddenly cracked from a spring breeze, his face changed. Seeing that, I added more clearly.
“I haven’t told my parents. No one knows I’m gay. You’re the only one. I just told you today.”
The more I spoke, the brighter his face became. His mouth curved up, and the pale color in his face returned faintly. I felt somewhat relieved. Regaining composure, I smiled and asked.
“So it’s a secret, okay? Don’t tell anyone. Got it?”
I said in a scolding tone like I would to my younger brother Elliot. He immediately nodded.
“Of course, it’s our secret.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
I deliberately emphasized his words.
“It’s a secret only we know.”
When I said that to Elliot, he would happily keep his mouth shut. If I whispered something trivial like “my socks don’t match today” and added “it’s a secret,” he’d immediately cover his mouth with both hands and nod anxiously. Seeing the same side in Lucien made me smile.
It’s okay, I can trust him.
Though I had no grounds, I felt certain. Lucien would never betray me or break our promise. It was proof of our friendship.
Thanks to that, the mood lightened considerably, and I was able to continue lightly, joking.
“So how did you end up tangled with the Liliths?”
Holding the remaining pizza, I asked. Lucien immediately frowned and grumbled.
“I just bumped into them passing by, and they cursed at me. Said I was making things hard for you. Told me to stop following you around.”
I stopped chewing pizza. Again, I was the problem. Back then it was sincere, but thinking about it now, regret washed over me. If I hadn’t said that, would things have been different? At least Oliver or the others wouldn’t have done such cruel things to torment Lucien. Or maybe they wouldn’t have provoked him with such words. Maybe ignoring it would have been better. Lucien kept talking.
“They said all your friends are Lilith members, and since I’m not one, I’m not your friend. Nonsense. So I wanted to prove it. I’m your friend, right? So I should just join Lilith? Right?”
There was no flaw in his words. It matched what Oliver said too. But for me, it only confirmed that I was at the center of that absurd abuse.
It was all my fault that the Liliths became interested in Lucien. I kept them away to bring him into rowing, and I spoke badly of Oliver and others, so naturally, they wanted to get rid of the ‘bug that bothered their friend’ — Lucien.
Maybe I’m his first friend. No, I’m sure I am.
The sudden thought was undeniable. Otherwise, how could I have done something so ridiculous and stupid? Just to prove that we’re friends.
This is all the trouble I caused myself.
I realized again how much my thoughtless mistake had come back to me. If I hadn’t forced Lucien in, none of this would have happened. I had to take responsibility. I barely held back a sigh of the heavy feeling.
“Luc, there’s something I need to say about that…”
My voice cracked as I hurriedly cleared my throat. I sensed Lucien perk up. My head started to ache as I tried to find a way to tell him the truth without hurting him.
“What happened is truly unfortunate. I’m also partly to blame for giving them an excuse. I sincerely apologize for that. I’ll apologize properly too.”
Pausing, I cautiously looked at him. Fortunately, Lucien showed no signs of reaction. I relaxed and pulled myself together again. If I didn’t say this now, I didn’t know when or how Lucien might get mixed up with them again. Another incident like that must never happen. I was lucky this time, but not next time. The thought of Lucien possibly dying or getting hurt made my voice harden.
“You now know how vicious Lilith’s initiation is. You must understand why I never joined Lilith even though I got close to them, and why I didn’t tell you about Lilith. Even if you’re my friend, you don’t have to join Lilith. I didn’t join myself, right?”
That should have been enough explanation. I gave him a moment to think. Lucien nodded slightly, seeming to understand. I breathed out and said,
“Don’t let them control you. Don’t deal with those guys anymore.”
I paused, and Lucien nodded again. Feeling relieved but also pitying him, I silently rubbed his back.
“Everyone else joined Lilith, but you didn’t. Isn’t that better? It makes you special.”
Jokingly, I said, and Lucien’s eyes sparkled. He seemed to like what I said. Feeling like I had a cute little brother, I reached out again and lightly pinched his cheek. Lucien smiled and rubbed his cheek happily. I smiled back and took another bite of pizza. It was cold now but still tasty. After a few bites, I finished a whole slice, and nearly half of my soda too, wiping my mouth roughly on the back of my hand.
Just as I was bringing pizza to my mouth again, Lucien asked.
“I have a question, can I ask?”
“Sure, ask away.”
I answered promptly. Having asked him plenty about himself, now it was my turn. No need to hide anything anymore. I answered willingly and took a big bite. Lucien looked at me seriously and asked,
“Are all your friends those guys? The ones in Lilith?”
I couldn’t tell the intent but it didn’t sound serious, so I nodded casually.
“Yeah, mostly. They’re the ones I hang out with. Oh, but lately I hang out with you most of all.”
I added jokingly, and Lucien quietly laughed. I thought he might ask more, but that was all. We finished the pizza, though Lucien barely touched it and I ate most. When the nurse came in to tell us the discharge procedure was underway, we finally tidied up.
“See you at school tomorrow then.”
After the usual farewell, we left the hospital. The sun was already setting. I couldn’t believe we’d spent such a long, happy time alone together. I hummed a tune as I got into the car. After returning to the dorm, I went to bed early and fell asleep without dreaming.
It had been a long time since I felt so light-hearted. I couldn’t remember the last time I fell asleep feeling this relieved. When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I could fly. Everything seemed fine until breakfast at school and the start of classes, before unexpected news arrived.
“Lucien Hearst joined Lilith!”
Someone suddenly ran into the classroom before the third period and shouted, causing everyone to buzz in surprise. Probably the most shocked person among them was me.