Around us, other guys were wandering here and there. Only Emilio and I stood still, looking at each other.
What should I do? How should I mumble something vague?
My mind wasn’t working well. I had let my guard down for a moment and ended up revealing my true feelings. Imagining Emilio avoiding me after learning everything made my vision go dark.
“Uh, so…”
Just as I barely managed to move my dry lips and squeeze out some words, suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder from behind and pulled me.
“Ugh.”
Dragged away with a strange sound, I immediately caught a familiar scent. Ah, it was Lucien. I didn’t even have to see his face to know by that scent. Since we shared a room, I often smelled it. Naturally, my body relaxed, and I leaned back against him. Lucien wrapped one arm around my shoulder and supported me by holding my waist with the other.
“What are you doing? Not walking? Your muscles will cramp up.”
With his sudden teasing, I was abruptly pulled along. He spoke playfully as he roughly rubbed my body. Tickled, I swallowed and twisted my body, but Lucien just laughed out loud and didn’t let go. Emilio gave a bitter smile at what looked like a usual prank between close friends and soon left. Lucien stopped messing around only after Emilio had gone behind us.
“That was close.”
Lucien suddenly whispered into my ear. I froze, struggling. He did it on purpose to help me. Only then did I understand why he played this prank. I lifted my head and glanced at him diagonally. Our eyes met instantly. I wanted to say thank you, but somehow no sound came out. I just stared with my mouth slightly open, and Lucien’s eyes narrowed. For a moment, he said nothing.
…Huh?
A strange thought suddenly occurred to me. Lucien’s lips were too close. It felt like if I just raised my foot a little, they would touch.
Touch what?
A small whisper came from deep inside my chest.
Lips.
I unconsciously swallowed my dry saliva.
Russ’s lips…
“Alright, everyone gather! Hurry up!”
The sudden shout from Coach snapped me back to reality. I quickly slipped out of Lucien’s arm and hurried toward where Coach was. For some reason, my back felt empty. Remembering that I had just been leaning on Lucien’s whole body made my face suddenly burn as if on fire.
What the hell was I thinking? Russ is a friend!
I like Emilio, so feeling this impulse toward Lucien was strange. Even if it’s normal for someone my age to have random feelings occasionally, wasn’t this going too far?
If Russ knew, he’d feel bad.
Putting myself in Lucien’s place and imagining if he felt that way about me, I didn’t think it would feel good. Of course, he wouldn’t be upset or angry, but he’d be embarrassed. Even though I’m his close and only friend, Lucien would probably be flustered.
After shaking my head hard to clear my mind and looking straight ahead, Lucien soon sat down beside me. There was a faint sweet scent. My heart, which had barely calmed, started pounding violently again. Panic-stricken, I sat there barely catching half of Coach’s words, silently praying that no one would notice this situation.
“Russ, do you have a band?”
Someone asked, and Lucien turned his head. Watching Lucien talk with another member of the rowing team, I felt strange. Since the new semester started, many things had changed. The dorm, classes, even the color of our ties, but the biggest change was Lucien himself.
He, who always sat quietly in a corner out of sight, never speaking, hiding his breath, was gone. After finishing vacation and coming back, he suddenly became the center of attention, completely different from before.
‘Lucien Hearst has mutated.’
Actually, since he had already manifested long ago, calling it a ‘mutation’ instead of a normal timing manifestation wasn’t accurate. But the shock to everyone was so great that whenever he walked by, people kept sneaking glances and whispering for a while.
As someone watching, it was uncomfortable and awkward, but Lucien himself didn’t seem to care much. He was still quiet and seemed indifferent to people staring and whispering about him, but unlike before, he no longer ignored everyone or gave off the vibe of being in a completely different world. On the contrary, he smiled at classmates who met his eyes or bravely responded to greetings, showing a kind and friendly attitude that won people’s favor.
Thanks to that, within a month, Lucien had become popular at school. Everyone greeted him, talked to him constantly, and tried all sorts of ways to catch his attention. To me, these changes around him were just amazing and confusing.
Russ was always this kind of guy.
His quiet yet gentle speech and calm manner hadn’t changed at all. Though he still wasn’t used to his suddenly grown body, sometimes bumping his forehead on doorframes or getting stuck trying to pass through narrow spaces and having to hurry around, aside from that, nothing unusual happened. But seeing that small things that would’ve been ridiculed or ignored before now caused laughter or worried words or friendly reactions felt strange.
“Huu.”
Lucien sighed aloud as we came to the cafeteria for lunch. Until just a moment ago, he had been busy greeting the kids in line with us and responding to silly jokes. Seeing him look somewhat tired, I opened my mouth.
“You don’t have to go out of your way to deal with them.”
Lucien looked up at me, as if to say, “What do you mean?” Leaning over the table, I got closer and continued.
“You don’t need to try that hard. Dealing with people can be tiring.”
Only then did Lucien understand and gave a faint smile. Seeing that, I straightened my back and added casually,
“Well, if you insist on doing it, I have nothing to say.”
I tried to quietly withdraw, but Lucien spoke.
“It’s okay, Dilly. Thanks for worrying about me.”
I glanced at him as he said the usual phrase, then looked away again. Does Lucien want to make other friends? That could happen. I can’t be the only one he ever befriends for his whole life.
Now that I think about it…
Suddenly, I realized something I hadn’t noticed before. Recently, or rather for quite a long time, I haven’t had anyone I could really call a friend. Right now, Lucien is my only friend. When did that start? As I searched my memory, I soon found the answer.
Since the Lilith kids left.
After the group of people I considered quite close left the school, my surroundings became empty. For a while, there were people I sometimes hung out with or had meals and silly talks with, but strictly speaking, they weren’t really friends. Then Lucien came back, and since then, it’s been just him. Looking back, the few kids I briefly hung out with back then only greeted me if we crossed paths.
So, it turns out I’m the one with only one friend, not Russ.
I was stunned by the sudden realization. Why hadn’t I noticed before? I used to have lots of friends. No, when the Lilith kids were around, I had so many friends. We talked, laughed, played games all night, and confided in each other.
Of course, I never told them my deepest secret.
Lucien is the only one who knows that I’m gay. Maybe that’s why I feel most comfortable with him. I can tell him openly that I like Emilio and enjoy talking about related worries.
I wouldn’t just tell anyone, though…
Aside from that, showing part of my heart was something I used to do easily. But now, realizing it again, I’m not sure if I could do that when making new friends.
Because they’d be compared to Lucien.
Naturally. If you have someone you can talk carelessly to and don’t have to worry, and someone else you have to be cautious with, everyone would obviously choose the former. I imagined myself eating a hamburger with a new friend, chatting casually. Even while smiling and keeping the conversation going, if that topic ever came up, I’d immediately tense up. When I went back to my room alone, I might not sleep well wondering if I messed up. And if I accidentally spilled something…
Remembering the mistake I made with Emilio sent chills down my spine. I quickly shook my head. Do I need to risk that? I’m satisfied enough as it is.
“Dilly?”
Lucien’s voice came from across the table. I looked up and saw him watching me curiously. That was natural, I thought.
“Nothing, it’s nothing.”
I smiled and twirled pasta onto my fork, then ate. As I continued my busy meal, I thought to myself: I’m fine like this. I don’t really need more friends.
After all, I’m leaving this place anyway.
On a day when the sunlight was unusually hot, Coach finally declared to us:
“This is the final test.”
Looking almost solemn as he looked around, he continued.
“You’ve all worked hard so far, not much left now. Let’s push a little more, everyone. Got it?”
Murmurs of “yes” came here and there. Coach nodded as if satisfied, then said:
“As I said before, today we’ll finalize positions. It’s the last chance, so I hope you’ll give it your all.”
Then he fixed his gaze on Lucien.
“I see some who’ve improved tremendously since the beginning, and I have high expectations. Let’s work hard and aim for the championship. Fighting!”
Following Coach’s shout, we all shouted “Fighting!” and headed toward the boat storage. It was just a few meters from the practice field, and we lined up to carry the boats to the dock. Coach held his scoring sheet and scanned us, scratching his head with the tip of his pen.
“Wilson, can you row on the left side?”
Brad froze at the sudden question and frowned.
“Uh, well… I’m not very confident.”
Trying to back out, Coach said “Is that so?” and looked around at us once. Unexpectedly, his eyes met mine and he called on me.
“How about you? Can you do both sides?”
“Ah, yes. I practiced.”
I answered quickly. Of course, my goal was the 8th seat. Coach nodded as if satisfied and switched my position with number 6. Suddenly moving forward, I tried to calm my breathing, which had become rough with excitement. Glancing ahead, the coxswain seemed much closer. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, I suddenly felt a gaze. Turning my head, I met Lucien’s eyes right away. Then, Coach suddenly said:
“Hearst, how about you? Can you do both sides?”
All eyes immediately turned to him at the unexpected question. Lucien hesitated briefly, then said yes.
“I practiced.”
“Good. Wilson, come out. Hearst, take Wilson’s seat.”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
Murmurs and whispers followed. Brad looked stunned but couldn’t oppose Coach. Eventually, he stormed out with a furious face, and Lucien took the spot. It was number 7.
Suddenly my vision filled up. Brad was about the same size or slightly smaller than me, so I hadn’t noticed much, but Lucien blocking my front made it suddenly hard to breathe. Worse was that Emilio, who I had been glimpsing occasionally, was now completely out of sight.
My ears twitched, hearing applause. Coach clapped to get attention and gave instructions.
“Alright, everyone get in the boat. Keep the oars level. Yes.”
We moved as practiced, coordinated perfectly. Settling in, I involuntarily let out a deep breath. We quietly rowed toward the center of the lake. Coach, with another coach, sat in another boat a short distance away and watched us. Confirming we were organized, Coach picked up a megaphone.
“Alright, from now on, it’s 2,000 meters. Let’s start.”
Following Coach’s order, we all shouted once and grabbed the oars to start rowing. Tension spread through my whole body. I was so nervous I almost dropped the oar and hastily adjusted my grip. This might be the last chance. I had to focus. Whipping myself, I gripped the oar tightly.
Every stroke made my whole body rock back and forth, my entire body trembling. Battling water resistance and steering the boat pushed me to my limits every time. Again, my mind went blank. I just moved my whole body in a steady rhythm.
“Ughhh.”
“Ahhh.”
Muffled groans escaped between clenched teeth, sounds of pain I couldn’t endure. I bit down hard and rowed with all my strength. Following the coxswain’s commands, we moved sideways or forward. Every time we turned according to instructions, my muscles felt like they were tearing.
But whenever I wanted to quit, I tightened my grip on the oar because of Emilio’s voice, which was no longer in sight but still audible. His strong voice shouting while adjusting the boat’s direction and speed always reached me and kept me sharp.
“A little more, keep it up! Almost there!”
Emilio shouted repeatedly. Following his words, everyone moved their bodies in perfect rhythm. Forward, backward, forward, backward.
“Stop, that’s enough!”
Emilio’s shout drained all my energy instantly. Nausea came up, and I leaned over the lake to vomit, but only bitter stomach acid came out. Groans echoed around as people collapsed. Lucien, sitting in front of me, also looked exhausted, raising his shoulders and arching back heavily. Instead of speaking, I lightly patted his arm. That was all I could do. I wasn’t in better condition than him.
The walk back to the practice field was heavy and tiring. Among the sluggish group, Lucien spoke to me. He probably thought I looked awful too.
“You okay? You looked like you were about to throw up earlier.”
Still tired, I answered that I was fine. At least I could answer.
“Thanks to you, rowing almost every day helped a lot.”
I forced a smile with the little strength I had, and Lucien stared at me silently. Feeling weird, I waited, but he didn’t speak easily. When I realized everyone else had gone inside, I turned reluctantly.
“...Still.”
Lucien muttered. I looked back without thinking and saw him standing a few steps away, watching me.
“You still want the 8th seat?”
His quiet voice made me chuckle. It was my way of saying “Of course,” but Lucien seemed to understand. After roughly warming up and sitting down, Coach confirmed everyone was present and spoke.
“Good work today, everyone. The speed was good, and you all rowed well. It’s promising.”
We all exchanged pleased exclamations looking at each other. Coach watched us briefly, then held out both hands, signaling us to calm down. After it quieted, he began again.
“As I said earlier, today is the last day to decide positions. This will be fixed for the competition, and unless there are problems, I don’t plan to change it.”
My shoulders tensed involuntarily. I was getting nervous when Emilio, who sat in front of me, suddenly turned his head. Our eyes met, and unexpectedly, he showed a strange expression. Emilio, who always smiled when looking at me, was not like that this time.
I was confused by this unfamiliar reaction but had no way to understand it. Emilio turned his head, and I stared blankly at the back of his head before finally looking away.
“Now, here’s the roster. First, substitute, Wilson.”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
Brad jumped up shouting, and others murmured surprisedly here and there. But despite the commotion, Coach was firm.
“I told you before, the seats are not finalized. Depending on today’s results, the order can change. If there’s a change, substitutes and players who race may change as well. Don’t tell me you didn’t consider that.”
Amid sarcastic remarks, Brad looked frustrated but said no more. He twisted his angry face and soon looked at Lucien. His expression seemed to say “No way,” but Coach continued confidently.
“I’ll announce the roster. Coxswain is Emilio Diaz, number one is…”
Coach kept calling names. Everyone held their breath waiting for their turn. I thought I heard a grinding sound somewhere but ignored it. Numbers three, four, went by.
“Number seven, Avery.”
Huh?
I was confused by the sudden call. Number seven? Not eight? But seven was Russ’s seat today, so where was Russ? As I thought hard, Coach pointed to one side.
“And Hearst, you’re number eight.”
In the unimaginable situation, my mind went blank. I just stared wide-eyed at Lucien. Lucien also looked surprised, but his expression seemed to make me face reality more clearly.
Lucien is number eight.
Not me.