Coach had already declared the training over earlier, but I still couldn’t bring myself to leave. I wasn’t the only one. Especially Brad, who seemed deeply shocked, was talking in a rather rough voice with a few others.
It wasn’t just that he was dropped—Russ took that spot, so the shock must have been greater.
I felt somewhat satisfied, but that was all. I hadn’t gotten what I wanted either.
Seven was still a good result.
I tried to think positively. I did my best, so that had to be enough. You can’t have everything you want.
…Though I don’t think I was asking for that much.
“Whew.”
I let out a sigh without realizing it. Suddenly sensing someone’s presence, I looked up and saw Lucien. His face was paler than I’d ever seen, staring at me.
“Dilly.”
His voice trembled faintly. I seemed to know what he wanted to say but just waited. Lucien took a deep breath and spoke.
“Sorry, I never thought I’d take your spot…”
“It’s okay.”
Luckily, I’d anticipated those words, so I could smile calmly.
“You worked hard. You did better than me. It can’t be helped.”
Lucien furrowed his brow and muttered softly.
“You worked hard too…”
“Yeah, I did my best. Don’t worry too much.”
Only then did I gather my strength and stand up. Smiling, I patted Lucien’s arm, when at the edge of my vision I caught a familiar figure. Emilio.
“You okay? You don’t feel bad anywhere?”
As soon as I looked at him, Emilio asked eagerly, as if waiting for a chance to talk. I smiled and replied as usual.
“No, I’m fine. I’m about to go now.”
“Don’t overdo it.”
Emilio spoke softly and then suddenly glanced toward Lucien.
“Congrats, I really didn’t expect you to do this well.”
Lucien just said thanks quietly to Emilio’s praise for becoming a regular member. Emilio smiled alternately at Lucien and me, then lightly raised his hand in a wave goodbye. Suddenly, Emilio looked at me. A memory flickered through my mind. He wore that strange expression from before. When I looked at him in confusion, he moved his lips slightly and then turned away with a somewhat bitter face. Left behind, I stared at his back, suddenly catching his words.
‘Too bad, Dilly.’
Huh?
I blinked wide-eyed several times. Did I really hear that? Did Emilio really say that to me? That it was too bad? Why?
Maybe Emi wanted me to be number eight…?
My cautious guess quickly made my heart race. Calm down, there’s no basis for this. I scolded myself, but my heart, already excited, refused to settle.
Even after returning to my room, I was still excited. Sitting on the bed, I felt as if my body was floating. I couldn’t sit still—laying down, sitting back up, pacing, then lying down again, repeating this in anxious restlessness. Nothing could calm me down.
Emi likes me?
Well, okay…
Aaagh.
Unable to scream out loud, I swallowed the scream inside and flailed on the bed, pounding the pillow wildly. Just then, Lucien came out of the bathroom, shaking his still-damp hair from his shower. He stopped when he saw me. I stopped my excitement and looked at him. Lucien, wary, pressed himself against the wall, walked sideways, and perched on his bed across from me.
“What’s wrong? Since earlier… Is it because of rowing?”
Still concerned, he immediately mentioned rowing. But I had already completely forgotten about it, so I shook my head.
“You know…”
I jumped lightly off the bed and, like him, sat on the edge, leaning forward.
“When Emi talked to us earlier, after it was over.”
Lucien frowned, as if saying, “That story?” but silently listened to me. I struggled to suppress my swelling heart with deep breaths. After a few tries, I barely managed to tell him what had happened earlier. Lucien just listened quietly. His unusually expressionless face calmed me a little. After thinking for a moment, he hesitated and finally spoke.
“Um, talking about this kind of thing is a bit… don’t you think you’re rushing it?”
His cautious words instantly snapped me back to reality. It was like a cold splash of water dousing my head full of fantasies. He continued slowly.
“You know, among betas, some have that tendency, but it’s very rare… Thinking that Emilio would be like that is you hoping too much.”
At that, Lucien furrowed his brow and looked down.
“Sorry, but that’s all I can think. I don’t want you to get hurt by false hopes.”
“Oh, no. It’s okay. You’re right.”
Seeing him looking more disappointed than me, I quickly denied my earlier excitement. I was embarrassed for letting my imagination run wild, and sorry for troubling Lucien, so I looked away and muttered.
“I was just imagining. I wish something like that would happen, that’s all. Don’t mind it, just kidding.”
Lucien nodded readily at my defensive add-on.
“I get what you mean. Not even being able to hope is too cruel.”
“That’s right.”
Glad Lucien agreed, I replied immediately. Even if it never happens. Lucien just gave a wry smile. His reaction seemed like he wanted to encourage me but thought it was unlikely and had no choice but to lie.
So I was mistaken after all.
I knew it, but realizing it was a different matter. I sighed unconsciously, and Lucien spoke again.
“Emilio is kind to everyone. So it’s risky to take it especially seriously.”
He was right. I nodded, and Lucien stared at me for a moment before getting up to dry his hair with a hairdryer. Sitting there listening to the noisy machine, Lucien turned off the power and suddenly asked:
“Want some tea? I bought some new.”
“Tea? What kind?”
He readily turned and rummaged through his closet, pulling out a tin case.
“They say it’s good to drink before bed. Helps you have good dreams.”
“Isn’t dreaming a sign you’re not sleeping deeply?”
I pointed out the flaw, and Lucien lightly raised his hands and replied.
“If you can’t sleep deeply anyway, isn’t it better to at least dream well?”
I was quickly convinced. While Lucien prepared the tea, I went to the bathroom, washed up, and came out. Instead of his usual faint perfume scent, the room was filled with a fresh tea aroma.
“Thanks.”
I brought the tea to my lips, carefully blowing away the hot steam, and took a sip. Since it was my first time drinking it, I refused lemon or anything else, wanting to taste its original flavor.
“It’s a little bitter.”
Compared to the nice scent, there was a faint bitterness. I frowned unconsciously, and Lucien said casually.
“They say it works better brewed a little stronger.”
“Oh?”
Without suspicion, I took another sip. It was still bitter but not unbearable. I regretted not adding some milk. Still, the sensation of warm tea spreading through me after a shower relaxed me and made me think it really would help me sleep well.
Sharing a room, it somehow felt like Lucien was taking care of these subtle things. Or was he? I briefly thought he wasn’t that kind a person.
Lucien poured some tea for himself, sat on his bed, and took a sip like me, then spoke.
“I don’t like that kind of thing.”
“Huh? What?”
Surprised by his sudden words, I asked. He put down his cup on the coaster and looked at me.
“Being kind to everyone. Emilio treats everyone the same. I think that attitude isn’t good; it causes misunderstandings.”
“Ah…”
I quietly uttered a small sound, returning to a topic I had forgotten for a moment. Lucien’s words made sense. Just now, his one sentence shook me up so much.
“But that’s because it’s Emilio.”
Even as I said it, I convinced myself. The main reason I fell for Emilio at first sight was his appearance, my type, but also his kind personality played a part. He cared for all teammates, encouraged the struggling ones, comforted the discouraged warmly, and always paid attention to everyone. He was a true coxswain. I gained great strength from his comfort many times. And that personality made me like him even more. Anyone who knows Emilio couldn’t hate him.
Except the guy right in front of me.
I absentmindedly wondered if it had to do with his traits but immediately erased that thought. That’s prejudice. It’s just a matter of taste, not traits. Besides, Emilio and I are ordinary betas. Nothing will change. Scolding myself, I focused back on Lucien. He crossed his arms, frowned, and continued.
“Being equal to everyone means there’s no one special. I don’t like that. I want to be special to someone.”
“If you like someone, that would be different.”
I unintentionally spoke up for Emilio.
“No matter what, you can’t help but distinguish between others and the one you like. Emilio’s just naturally kind.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
I nodded confidently. Lucien looked at me silently and then spoke.
“If the person I like acted that way, I’d get rid of everyone around them or lock them up.”
His voice lowered mysteriously, and his narrowed eyes felt secretive.
“If I cut off their legs, they couldn’t run away.”
Is this a joke?
Since he’d played pranks that made me embarrassed several times before, I was confused. But even if it was a joke, this was extreme, so I cautiously asked.
“Hey, isn’t that a bit dangerous?”
“Maybe? Who knows?”
Lucien tilted his head. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or joking. So I took it seriously.
“Don’t think like that. It’s not good for you either.”
Speaking without a smile, I looked at him. Lucien just stared blankly at me. Was that another joke? I wondered but continued.
“If you like someone, you have to accept them as they are. You can’t treat them badly just because they’re different from your taste. They’d get fed up with you for sure.”
“Fed up?”
This time Lucien reacted. Was he serious? A chill ran down my spine, but I nodded calmly.
“Of course. Who could like someone who imprisons and hurts them? Only perverts. Unless both want that.”
There are definitely people who get aroused by violent acts.
I tried to broaden my perspective. After all, I’m probably no different from others. A beta who likes the same sex.
Lucien went silent again. He looked deep in thought and muttered to himself.
“If that’s what you think, then it must be right.”
“At least I think so.”
I emphasized once more with confidence, then drank the rest of my tea. Afterwards, things went as usual. We wrapped up our talk lightly and spent busy time doing assignments, but the difference was that I felt sleepier earlier than usual.
“Why don’t you sleep a bit and then finish?”
Seeing me constantly banging my head on the desk, Lucien asked. I blinked and replied in a sleepy voice.
“Maybe it’s the tea you gave me. I’m really sleepy today… It’s okay, I’m almost done.”
I had to submit the assignment before early morning classes. Forcing back yawns, I sent the mail and collapsed onto my bed, soon falling into a deep sleep.
Huh…?
There’s a sweet scent. Like it tickles my heart, brushes my skin, and burns all over me. Faintly, I realized that scent was familiar.
Haaa…
An excited sigh escaped my mouth. It was probably because of the scent. When I smelled it, my body felt like it was floating in the air, lying on clouds. Would this be how drugs feel? I couldn’t say, since I never tried, but guessed it might be.
Someone was touching me. A slow caress over my skin made me flinch and frown. When the hand slowly wandered over my chest and brushed my nipple, my breath stopped involuntarily.
Haa, haa.
As I gasped for breath, the paused hand moved again. The subtle stimulation of nails flicking my nipple made a tingling sensation in my belly.
“You like this spot, Dilly.”
He whispered. I groaned “mm, mm,” not knowing what was happening. His voice came again.
“Want me to suck on it?”
It suddenly occurred to me that it sounded like a child asking for candy, when I felt a wet sensation on my chest.
“Ah…”
I moaned involuntarily and twisted my waist. But he ignored me and kept sucking my nipple with his mouth wide open, pulling hard.
Wet smacking sounds came from below.
Is this a dream… a dream…?
“Yes, that’s right.”
He seemed to respond to my thought. I paused my attempt to push him away.
“This is a dream, Dilly. So just enjoy it.”
He whispered while keeping my nipple between his lips, mumbling. His pronunciation was unclear but I understood the meaning. Oh, it’s a dream… I accepted it and relaxed. Then he started sucking my breast seriously. Like a baby nursing from its mother, sucking urgently and hard, then licking with his tongue, biting the nipple with his teeth, obsessively tormenting just one side repeatedly. Still half-asleep, I couldn’t move properly, just groaning while lying there.
“Oh, it’s red now.”
With his voice came a wet sensation. He seemed to finally pull away, and cold air touched my chest. He muttered to himself.
“I have to stop here so there won’t be marks.”
After a moment, he rubbed my breast. The wet feeling soon disappeared.
“Tomorrow, I’ll spoil this side.”
He said that and kissed my other nipple. A sigh and a breeze followed.
“I like you, Dilly.”
After the whisper, something touched my lips. What seemed to brush lightly soon pressed hard and naturally slipped into my mouth. It rubbed and stroked inside, swirling wildly until he was satisfied and finally withdrew. Something warm and soft settled on my body. Only then did I fall deeply asleep again.
“Yaaawn.”
As I stretched and yawned, a guy passing by my desk startled and looked down at me. I didn’t care and lay my head on the desk with my eyes closed. Since that day, Lucien always brewed tea before bed and shared it with me. After drinking that tea, I never dreamed and slept soundly. I slept so deeply that in the morning, I often didn’t hear the alarm and Lucien had to wake me up. Maybe that’s why I was groggy for a while after waking. But the drowsy fatigue after drinking the tea was so pleasant that every morning, though I regretted it, I couldn’t refuse the tea Lucien gave me.
Even today, I was nodding off and resting my head when suddenly someone gently grabbed the back of my neck.
“Ah, what…”
I frowned and barely opened my eyes to see Lucien smiling as he sat beside me.
“Sleeping again?”
“I can’t help it, I’m sleepy.”
Yawning again loudly, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep again. Seeing me like that, Lucien asked curiously.
“You’re that sleepy? That’s weird, you seem to sleep well.”
“I do sleep well, too much.”
I answered still drowsily.
“That’s the problem with sleeping too well.”
The first class, sometimes even the second, I couldn’t help it. But after that, my head cleared gradually, and by the time of rowing practice, I felt insanely energetic. So I didn’t think much about it. Most people have trouble waking up in the morning. What’s the difference with me?
“It’s weird to feel like this even though you sleep deeply. And every day too.”
Lucien said again, genuinely concerned, and I sighed and spoke.
“My dreams are… something else.”
“What kind of dreams?”
Lucien asked. I felt like he was on guard but that was probably my imagination. I replied casually.
“It’s kind of hard to say… but yeah, I have them.”
I tried to evade the topic, but Lucien immediately noticed. Then, with a strange smile, he leaned toward me.
“It’s okay. Having dirty dreams is normal for our age.”
He whispered in my ear as if on purpose. I blinked lying down and asked.
“You have those dreams too?”
I couldn’t help the unsure voice. I never imagined Lucien having such dreams, and it felt weird. Like when parents describe too explicitly the situation when they had you.
“Of course.”
Lucien answered matter-of-factly. I hesitated, then cautiously asked.
“What kind of dreams?”
Without really explaining, I thought it was unfair to ask, but he answered readily.
“Just doing all sorts of things with someone I like.”
“All sorts of things?”
I asked again. This time he lowered his voice and added quietly.
“Like making a baby.”
For a moment, I didn’t understand. After a few seconds’ pause, I was so shocked I almost shouted.
“You didn’t, did you? Over vacation?”
I opened my mouth wide but managed to keep silent, whispering the question. He shook his head firmly.
“No, I said ‘like.’ I haven’t slept with anyone yet.”
“Oh…”
Why did I feel relieved? Even with close friends, rushing things makes you nervous. Relieved that he, like me, was still a virgin, I turned my posture back, and Lucien continued.
“They say getting rid of pheromones is best done that way, but since my rut just started recently, it’s still okay.”
“Sex? The best way?”
Repeating what he said quietly, he readily agreed.
“Yeah, it’s efficient. Compared to time and effort, the amount of pheromones released is much higher.”
Lucien explained systematically as if quoting an expert but soon shook his head.
“But I don’t want to do it that way.”
“Right, promiscuity isn’t good.”
I agreed. My parents despised any kind of loose lifestyle, so I was somewhat used to it. Thinking of the prejudices my parents once showed toward Lucien’s traits, I felt sorry but understood.
Being forced to do something you don’t want is tough too…
Though he says he’s okay now, Lucien won’t last long. Eventually, he’ll live like other extreme alphas, regardless of his will.
“Come here.”
Feeling sorry, I reached out my hand. Lucien looked at me puzzled, tilting his head. I silently stroked his hair like a younger sibling.
“What are you doing?”
Lucien laughed, baffled, and stepped back. His hair, neatly combed that morning, was now messy, but he didn’t seem to mind. I smiled and withdrew my hand, then seriously asked.
“But doesn’t it feel good to let it build up? Are you taking some kind of medicine?”
“No.”
Lucien shook his head and gave a faint smile.
“Don’t worry, I’m reducing it in other ways.”
I was curious what that meant, but class started and I had to get up. Soon after, I forgot the conversation.
Before long, the competition was right around the corner.