Lucien kept looking at me with that same smiling face, utterly still. His silence felt heavy, but I had to wait until he spoke. We sat facing each other in silence, and after a few seconds that felt frozen, Lucien slowly opened his mouth.
“What did you just say?”
His low voice sounded even more intimidating. Though he was still smiling, it was clear he was no longer amused.
“You must have misheard, right? Not going to college? What kind of nonsense is that?”
“I heard you right.”
I spoke without being crushed by his intensity. Inwardly, regret washed over me—maybe I shouldn’t have said anything—but it was already too late. Besides, not going to college was my choice; I had no reason to worry about Lucien’s reaction.
“I’m not going to college. After graduation, I’ll leave home.”
“Why?”
Lucien demanded sharply.
“Is there a reason you’re not going? You’re going to leave home anyway if you go to college.”
It wasn’t the same thing. If you think about it, we’re already away from home. Even at college, we’d live in dorms or apartments during semesters, and only visit home during breaks or weekends.
But Lucien still looked unconvinced. His face twisted as he suddenly blurted out,
“Then why did you row?”
“Huh?”
Taken aback by the sudden change of topic, I was confused. Lucien brushed his hair back and continued.
“You did it for your sports grades, or to write essays for college applications, didn’t you? I mean…”
He faltered mid-sentence, seeming to realize something was off. After hesitating, he muttered in a defeated voice,
“I thought you were rowing to build a resume for college…”
“No. I told you, I rowed only because of Emi.”
I quickly corrected him. Hearing Lucien’s words, I understood why he was so shocked. So that’s why he worked so hard. For me. Feeling sorry and grateful, I spoke sincerely.
“You worked so hard because of me, I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner… I didn’t know you thought that way.”
After apologizing, Lucien fell silent. An awkward quiet filled the room, and I instinctively shrank my shoulders.
“If I had told you, you wouldn’t have pushed yourself so hard to race…”
I heard his sigh. When I looked at him, Lucien said weakly,
“That’s not true.”
He looked especially tired. Slumping his shoulders, he added,
“Even if you’d told me you weren’t going to college, if you hadn’t quit rowing, I would have kept going. So in the end, it’s no different.”
No different, in the end.
I repeated his words and then tilted my head, confused. Then I wondered, what was so surprising about this? As I puzzled, Lucien sighed again and looked up.
“Then what do you mean by leaving home? Have you decided where you’re going?”
“Uh, well…”
Was he asking about my future path? I hadn’t thought that far. I only had a vague plan to find a suitable city, get a job, and leave when the time came. I just wanted to be somewhere crowded. Somewhere even people like me could hide.
“I’m going to the city.”
“What city?”
Still not understanding, Lucien looked at me with a furrowed brow. I added an explanation.
“Just… a place with lots of people. Buildings packed close together, lots of cars. I want to live somewhere like that.”
Lucien still frowned and stared at me, clearly not getting it. He asked,
“Why?”
I nodded in response.
“I like places like that. There are people like me there…”
Feeling my explanation was lacking, I quickly added,
“Betas who like the same gender as they are.”
When I said that, I suddenly recalled something and added,
“I heard in cities, there are Alphas who like Alphas, Omegas who like Omegas. So it’s not like here, with such rigid categories. Isn’t that cool?”
My voice got a little higher with hope. Lucien said nothing for a moment, then asked,
“So you’re just going to go to the city without a plan?”
“Yes.”
I nodded.
“You can live there much more freely, right? No need to worry about your parents.”
Honestly admitting this, Lucien looked at me seriously and asked,
“You’re not leaving because of me, right?”
“What? What are you talking about? You’re the one…”
Startled by his sudden question, I denied it emphatically. Lucien gave me a suspicious look.
“Are you tired of me or something…?”
What a ridiculous leap. This wasn’t the first time Lucien said something so unexpected that left me dumbfounded. Every time, I was so stunned I couldn’t find words. This time, I sighed in disbelief and tried to defuse the situation with a joke.
“Have I done anything that would make you tired of me?”
Lucien’s face instantly stiffened. I stopped laughing and widened my eyes in surprise. Something felt off. Had Lucien done something behind my back? Or had he already done something and I hadn’t noticed?
“…What is it?”
I asked carefully.
“What’s going on, Russ? What did you do? Tell me.”
I tried to soothe him repeatedly, but Lucien kept his mouth shut. No matter what I said, it was useless. Growing frustrated, I snapped.
“What the hell? If you keep hiding it, I’m the one who’ll get tired of you. Are you okay with me thinking you’re unbearable?”
It was an exaggerated threat, but my feelings were genuine. I didn’t understand why he was hiding something, and the longer he dragged it out, the more unpleasant and anxious I felt. If this stayed buried, I might end up truly disappointed in Lucien.
At this point, Lucien seemed to sense my seriousness and started subtly glancing at me. His eyes looked like a beaten puppy’s, but I couldn’t show weakness. Clenching my jaw and looking down at him, Lucien flinched and quickly averted his gaze. It was about to happen. When I confirmed Lucien couldn’t hold out any longer, a drop of liquid fell from his chin. Surprised, I instinctively shouted,
“Russ?”
I hurriedly bent down to lift his chin. Seeing his face, I couldn’t help but let out a small groan. Lucien looked at me with tears welling in his eyes. Thick tear streaks ran down his cheeks already. Seeing him sob and cry like that, all the emotions I’d felt just moments ago disappeared and my heart melted like ice.
“Russ, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Frantically, I found a tissue and wiped his face. He started sobbing harder. I tried my best to calm him, but his tears didn’t stop. I was bewildered by the continued sound of his crying, when finally Lucien, still sniffling, spoke.
“You said you’re tired of me… I’m sorry, Dilly. Please forgive me.”
“No, I’m asking what you did…”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Repeating apologies, he suddenly grabbed me tightly and cried. His shirt quickly soaked through with tears, and the crying didn’t stop. I couldn’t understand this situation, but I knew for sure I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted from Lucien. Above all, he was way too upset. Maybe if he calmed down a bit and time passed, he’d talk.
It’s probably nothing serious.
I patted Lucien’s head, thinking this. Since Lucien had never really made friends before, maybe he was just scared on his own, imagining the worst. Yeah, that must be it. He’d gotten upset like this before. I resolved firmly to trust him.
“Okay, Russ. Don’t say anything.”
As I soothed him, Lucien stopped sobbing. I continued patting his head.
“Do it when you want. Or not at all. I won’t get mad.”
“…You won’t get tired of me?”
He asked, burying his face in my shirt. I murmured from below,
“No, I won’t.”
After a short pause, I heard him take a breath and exhale slowly. Lucien, face buried in my chest, took several deep breaths before finally lifting his face.
“…I’m going to take a shower.”
Not wanting me to see his tear-streaked face, he muttered that and headed straight for the bathroom. I just let him be.
…This is exhausting.
I threw myself onto my bed. Then I remembered—washing up wouldn’t be easy with his injured hand. I thought of helping, but gave up immediately. He didn’t want me to see his face, so going in after him would be rude. Better to just pretend to sleep. The idea felt right.
Yeah, that’s definitely better.
Even if I tortured him, I probably wouldn’t hear a word. I gave up and decided to forget about it. That night, I didn’t drink the tea Lucien gave me, and fell asleep before he came out of the shower. Maybe that’s why I didn’t have any erotic dreams and slept deeply.
You’re still going to study, right? Things might change later.
I nodded readily to Lucien’s words. He was right; I might want to go to college later, and even if not, keeping my grades up would save face with my parents.
Since there were frequent tests and lots of essays for college applications, Lucien and I often headed to the library. There, he studied and researched college stuff, while I prepared for tests or worked on assignments.
A large desk by the window happened to be free. We put down our things and separately searched for needed materials. Returning with stacks of books, Lucien turned on his tablet and searched for something. I quietly put down my books and sat in front of him to start my assignments.
For a while, only the soft sound of pages turning was heard intermittently. The library was so quiet it felt like all life had died. People moved carefully, suppressing even their breathing and footsteps. I soon immersed myself in my work, writing notes and searching on my tablet, oblivious to what Lucien was doing. After a while, when I marked some important parts with post-its, I looked up absentmindedly and frowned at the sunlight coming through the window. The setting sun squeezed out its last light, dyeing the world in orange-red. I was momentarily lost in the fiery glow.
As I stared blankly at the sunset, a familiar silhouette appeared in the glowing light. Soon I recognized it.
Emilio.
It was the first time I’d seen him since leaving the rowing team. He wore the usual uniform, probably heading to the practice ground. The same uniform we wore during the race.
Strangely, my heart didn’t flutter like before. Maybe because I’d given up. That was a relief, though the fluttering hadn’t disappeared completely. I stared blankly at the face and physique that perfectly fit my type, when a voice called me from across.
“What’s wrong?”
It was Lucien. His voice was hushed in the quiet library. I looked out the window and gave a lame excuse.
“Just… it’s been a while since I saw the sunset.”
I caught a glimpse of Lucien turning his head. He seemed to be looking out the window too. Emilio was gone. The shadow had appeared and disappeared like a mirage. I scanned around as if trying to find a trace, but quickly blinked and gave up, deciding I should get back to my assignments. Suddenly, our eyes met.
Huh.
I froze without thinking. I could have smiled and looked away, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to look away for some reason. Maybe because Lucien was staring right through me.
We just kept looking at each other for a while. No sound could be heard. Only the fading sunlight surrounded us.
Lucien was the first to lower his gaze. He opened a book and fixed his eyes on it. Feeling awkward, I bowed my head and tried to concentrate on my work again.
Suddenly, I felt something strange.
…Huh?
I froze in place. Something was slowly brushing my ankle. I rolled up my pant leg, and I could clearly feel something unknown touching my bare ankle.
Goosebumps spread all over me.
What is that? A bug?
That was the first thought, but the sensation felt different. The touch on my ankle was so subtle, like it was teasing me, slowly and repeatedly roaming the same spot. It felt too deliberate and controlled to be an insect, so I was sure it was something else entirely.
If not a bug, then what?
I couldn’t guess. I froze and held my breath as the touch slid down. It moved over my ankle bone, tickling my heart.
I’ve felt this before.
Suddenly, I realized what it was. My ears burned hot.
That erotic dream again.
The sensation of someone touching me in the dream suddenly came back. Blinking, I looked up and saw Lucien reading a book, just like before. The first thought that crossed my mind was a negative denial.
Russ wouldn’t do something like that to me.
Besides, it was a dream. It had to be a dream.
But the touch on my ankle was clearly real. I couldn’t accept the situation. Hadn’t dreamed in a while, so maybe I was sexually frustrated?
Just then, Lucien glanced toward me. His profile still faced me, but his eyes moved to stare at me. My heart plummeted. Suddenly it felt like it might burst.