“Cough, cough.”
A loud coughing sound hit my ears. The agonizing noise had been echoing nonstop for a while, and I kept getting distracted, nearly losing my rhythm several times. Emilio had caught a cold.
“Sorry, am I making it hard for you to concentrate?”
His voice was hoarse from so much coughing, and he apologized. Everyone said it was okay and tried to comfort him, but for a coxswain who has to shout throughout the entire race, this was a tough situation. Since we all thought the same, we unanimously recommended he rest. We told him he didn’t have to come to practice, but Emilio thought differently.
“I’m fine. It’s just coughing; no other symptoms. The race is soon, so I can’t skip training…”
He hadn’t finished speaking when he started coughing again. Each time his small body shook violently, I couldn’t help but frown in sympathy.
“Have you taken medicine? Still, wouldn’t it be better to rest at least a day?”
I asked cautiously. Emilio looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and gave a weak smile.
“I took it. Thanks for worrying. I’ll be better soon. I always get sick around this time, so don’t worry.”
Seeing him emphasize that again, I had nothing more to say and stepped back. I overheard another teammate say something similar, and Emilio repeated almost the same words to everyone multiple times. He kept smiling the same way.
Suddenly, I was struck by a thought—I think I understood what Lucien meant earlier.
“In the end, I was just one among many teammates.”
I said with a sigh, and Lucien looked at me as if asking what I meant. I told him about the day’s events while drinking the tea he made.
“I hadn’t thought much about it until now, since it wasn’t going to happen anyway. But actually experiencing it made me feel… how should I say it?”
“Angry?”
“No, not at all.”
I laughed unintentionally and shook my head. Pausing to gather my feelings, I found the closest words to express it.
“Maybe a bit bitter, or empty… a feeling of hollowness. You get what I mean?”
I offered the best approximation I could, but the result wasn’t good. Seeing Lucien’s clearly puzzled expression, I realized I failed to find common ground. Had Lucien never felt such emotions? I tried another example, thinking hard.
“How do you feel when you’re alone in this room while I’m away at home?”
I thought it was a decent analogy, but I was wrong again. Furrowing his brow as if thinking deeply, Lucien finally spoke.
“Next time, I’ll come with you.”
“No, that’s not it.”
Surprised by the unexpected offer, I instinctively waved my hand. Lucien tilted his head as if puzzled. A groan escaped me, but I couldn’t explain any further. Apparently, Lucien had never felt that kind of feeling. Well, I can’t guarantee everyone feels the same in the same situation. Maybe Lucien and I just think very differently. People are different anyway.
Accepting this in my own way, I dropped the topic.
“Anyway, that’s why I thought I should just give up now. Maybe stop here.”
When I concluded lightly, Lucien blinked in surprise.
“Really? Are you sure that’s okay?”
Thinking he was worried about me, I deliberately brightened my voice.
“Of course. I never thought it would work out well from the start.”
I went on, honestly.
“I’ve been like this before. Liking someone alone, cooling off alone—it’s common. It’s okay; this will pass and be forgotten.”
As I said this with a bright smile, a sweet scent suddenly filled the room intensely. The usually faint scent, barely noticeable, suddenly settled around me like a tidal wave.
“Wha…”
Just as I tried to speak, my breath stopped and I collapsed onto the bed. Dizziness came with it, and breathing was difficult, so I kept gasping. In my blurry vision, I saw Lucien moving urgently, saying something while pacing around. Soon, cool air was felt, and breathing became easier. Lucien opened the window and turned the fan to maximum, quickly thinning the scent.
What was that just now…?
My breathing improved but dizziness remained, so I panted and blinked vacantly. I had no idea what had happened. Did I faint?
“Dilly, Dilly!”
Lucien shouted. I barely responded, and he looked at me with a pale face, urgently asking.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”
“Y-yeah…”
Still dazed, I barely answered. My consciousness slowly cleared. After blinking a few times to focus, I was finally helped up by Lucien.
“Drink this.”
Lucien hurriedly brought a cup to my lips, and I drank it all at once.
What on earth happened? Why did I faint?
I couldn’t understand at all. My memory was fragmented. I remembered talking with Lucien while sitting on our beds, but suddenly, I had no idea why I was lying down. I stammered explaining the situation, and Lucien immediately replied.
“Maybe the ventilation was broken. Some strange gas must have gotten in or something… Anyway, once I ventilated the room, you got better. You seem okay now.”
Seeing the green blinking light of the air purifier, I agreed. Toxic gas in a dorm room? It sounded absurd, but there was no obvious cause. Later, I told the caretaker and had it checked, but nothing unusual was found. The only room where this happened was the one I stayed in.
“Maybe you were just really tired from not sleeping well and from stress about Emi.”
Lucien’s explanation made sense. I nodded, still wondering, when he refilled my cup and asked.
“So, what will you do now? Keep rowing?”
“Of course.”
I answered without hesitation.
“I started because of Emi, but I can’t quit now. Of course, I have to race. It’d be better if we win.”
Adding teasingly,
“I like winning.”
Lucien smiled faintly too.
“Me too.”
He stared at me intently and said,
“You have to get what you want, no matter what.”
“You must be obsessive.”
I said casually and took a deep breath. I no longer felt strange sensations like choking. After that, time passed without incident. Eventually, I gave up trying to find the cause of the incident, and that brief happening faded from my memory.
On the day of the race, the weather was clearer and brighter than ever. The blue sky stretched endlessly high, and only a few clouds floated in the spotless air. Coach stood before us, more tense than usual, listing cautions and reminders. After some brief procedures, the race started ten minutes late.
“Alright, everyone, let’s give it our all till the end.”
Emilio shouted energetically. His cold seemed completely gone. Hearing his stronger voice, I answered in unison with the others.
No more surprises came. Lucien was number eight, and I was number seven. But perhaps because I’d given up on Emilio, my heart didn’t ache as much as before. If I hadn’t known Emilio, I might never have dreamed of rowing, but thanks to that, these experiences alone became precious memories.
I’d even become friends with Russ.
I grasped the oar calmly. The boats lined up in a row, and a tense atmosphere hung. Everyone’s shoulders tensed as we held our breath, then the starting whistle blew.
The start was a bit late. It seemed I messed up the oar stroke at the back, pushed by waves from a boat alongside us. Luckily, we quickly regained balance and started moving in rhythm. Emilio shouted until his voice cracked. It was the first time I heard his voice so loud.
“Longer strokes! Longer strokes! Miki, slow! Faster!”
Could we win?
At first, no one expected that. Just managing to field a team for the tournament was enough. With a bit of exaggeration, it would make a decent essay topic for college applications.
But wouldn’t winning be better?
Just as I thought this, a jolting sensation was felt on one side. I almost dropped the oar and hurriedly grabbed it to regain balance. Fortunately, my wobble didn’t affect the boat. I thought, that’s good, but something felt off. What could it be?
Usually, when rowing, my stamina quickly hits its limit and my mind goes blank, but today, I couldn’t shake odd thoughts. An uneasy, anxious, and undefinable feeling lingered.
Unable to identify it, my focus kept drifting. I should concentrate on rowing, but why did these thoughts keep coming? Look, everything’s fine. Everyone’s rowing well. If something was wrong, Emilio would surely say something…
Just then, as if by chance, something caught my eye. The movement of the rower in front of me, bending and coming back at the same pace, was oddly jerky.
It was Russ. Suddenly, it hit me like lightning. It had to be. Something was wrong with Lucien. But his speed was still steady and unshaken. Emilio, giving commands perfectly and constantly warning lagging or mismatched teammates, hadn’t mentioned Lucien once. Yet I was certain. Even without any evidence.
Something happened to Russ.
I grew anxious and increased my pace. We had to finish quickly. Otherwise, who knew what might happen.
“Dilly, faster!”
Emilio shouted.
“Slower, keep the rhythm! Everyone focus!”
Emilio yelled repeatedly. I was nervous, but there was nothing I could do now. I couldn’t just throw the oar and call for help. The only way was to row hard and reach the finish line.
Hurry, hurry.
“Straight, keep going!”
Emilio’s commands continued.
“Good, everyone, a little more! Almost there!”
His voice was already hoarse, but Emilio shouted desperately.
“To the right, to the right! Keep going!”
He shouted as if spitting blood.
“Ten more times!”
It felt like I’d heard the same words a hundred times. Still, we had no choice but to keep rowing. Ten times, then ten times again, and again, and again.
Finally.
“Easy oar!”
With Emilio’s shout, sounds of exhaustion and collapse came from all around. I was also at my limit, nearly in tears, barely able to breathe.
Russ.
Only after a few seconds did I regain consciousness. Feeling convulsions in my whole body, I wobbled up from my half-lying position.
Lucien was bent forward, catching his breath. His gasps sounded agonizingly painful. His mouth was dry and he couldn’t speak, so I grabbed his arm. I felt him hesitate.
Haaaah, haaaah.
A faint hoarse breath mixed with a voice was heard. Lucien took a few more breaths and slowly turned around. His eyes, unlike usual, were blurry. He seemed utterly drained of strength—even his soul seemed gone. At that moment, only Lucien was in my vision. I couldn’t even see Emilio beyond him. Lucien was all I cared about.
Without a word, I followed his arm down and grabbed his wrist. When I turned his limp wrist to check his palm, I couldn’t help but sigh. Lucien’s hand was covered in blood.
“What happened?”
Panting, I scolded him harshly.
“If you got injured this badly, you should’ve gotten treatment. Why didn’t you say anything? Brad’s there; he could’ve taken your place…”
I barely got the words out between gasps. My dry mouth felt like even my tongue and vocal cords had dried out.
“You…”
Lucien, who had been staring at me for a while, finally spoke. Breathing as heavily as me or more, he said,
“I told you I wanted to win.”
He smiled after saying that. I was speechless. But his face, smiling at me so pure and innocent, made me believe his sincerity.
“What the hell is this…”
I’m not going to college. This extracurricular stuff means little. And he did all this just because of a passing remark? I couldn’t say anything more. I just stared at Lucien intently. What should I say at times like this? Should I apologize? Should I get angry and ask why he did such a useless thing? How? What should I say…
In just a few seconds, countless thoughts crossed my mind. Then I made my decision. Letting go of Lucien’s wrist, I hugged his shoulder from behind and murmured with my head bowed.
“Thank you.”
Lucien seemed startled, then relaxed. No answer came, but I felt as if I’d already heard it. We finished the competition in second place.
“Don’t do this again.”
After returning to the dorm, the first thing we did was treat Lucien’s hand. Bringing simple medical supplies we bought on the way back, we sat facing each other on the bed and I scolded him belatedly while applying medicine to the wound. I had to say what I felt, even though I was grateful. I put on a stern voice, and Lucien flinched as I held his injured wrist. Soon, I stopped applying disinfectant and looked up.
“Does it hurt a lot?”
“It’s bearable.”
Lucien smiled at me as if nothing was wrong. Since he flinched briefly, it must hurt, but I kept applying the medicine silently. I couldn’t stop just because of pain. I thought it was better to finish quickly. After disinfecting at top speed, applying ointment, and wrapping the bandage, I was done.
“Looks pretty bad.”
Muttering while looking at the wrapped bandage, Lucien answered casually.
“It only looks worse than it is.”
He had said that before. The blood spread and made it look severe, but it wasn’t serious. If the injury had been serious, he wouldn’t have rowed and probably wouldn’t have come to the race in the first place.
Lucien must have had his reasons. He wouldn’t just recklessly rush in.
I thought that with a bitter smile. No matter how big or small the difference, it was still reckless.
“This is really the end.”
After putting away the medical supplies in the closet, I lay down on my bed. Actually, I still had to go to the practice room one more time. Coach said he would hold a small party for those quitting the team. It would probably just be snacks and chatting in the practice room.
“Well, at least we won an award, so it was worth it.”
Saying that, I thought of Coach’s face. When he heard we came in second, he was so moved that he almost teared up. Considering the team barely made it to the competition, he must have been overwhelmed with emotion.
“Now, it’s time to seriously start preparing for college.”
Lucien said. Of course, that had nothing to do with me, but somehow I was speechless. He quickly returned to his usual sparkling eyes and asked me.
“How are you going to prepare? I have a consultation scheduled next month. Want to come with me?”
“Uh? Uh…”
I hesitated but got up from the bed. This was the chance. No need to delay, so I reluctantly spoke.
“I actually have something to tell you about that…”
“What is it?”
Lucien seemed tense. Of course, he couldn’t help it. What could be more ominous than the phrase “I have something to tell you”?
But sooner or later, it had to come. Maybe it was better to say it first. I thought and finally spoke. After swallowing dry saliva once, I finally made a sound.
“I’m not going to college, Russ.”