The moment I stood before my apartment door after returning from work at night, I felt something small and heavy sink deep in my chest.
I had managed to push through so well since this afternoon. Encouraged by my senior, I faced my work and felt like I was reclaiming my identity as a functioning adult.
Yet now, my hand trembled ever so slightly as it touched the doorknob. On the other side of this door wasn’t my lover, but a girl who hated me.
“I’m home.”
I tried to make my voice sound as natural as possible as I opened the front door, but the sound seemed to be swallowed up, vanishing into the darkness.
Not a single light was on. The hallway and living room were pitch black, with only the standby lights of appliances dotted here and there like tiny stars.
Even so, looking down at the genkan, Tsumugi-chan’s sneakers were neatly lined up. Unless she had run out barefoot, she was in the house. Probably holed up in one of the rooms, holding her breath.
I took off my shoes and stepped softly into the living room. When I turned on the light, I could see the table.
The breakfast and thousand-yen note I’d left in the morning were gone without a trace. The plate was neatly placed in the sink. Only the note was crumpled up in the trash.
“…Good.”
I unconsciously let out a sigh of relief.
She ate it. And she must have used the money. That alone was enough for today.
If it had been left untouched, if she hadn’t even touched it, let alone eaten it—I would have had to force my way into that room to check on her.
I knew that was probably the last thing Tsumugi-chan wanted right now.
As I looked around the room, a memory from the past suddenly resurfaced.
It was from when I still lived alone.
Sometimes, when I came home from work, Shiori would already be in the apartment using her spare key. She’d hug me without a word, or whisper “Welcome home~” in a sweet voice by my ear. Sometimes she’d hide behind the sofa and pounce on me the moment I walked past.
The moment of returning home was itself a signal of happiness.
We’d eat and bathe whenever we felt like it, and even after Shiori went home, we’d always call before bed. We’d talk about our day, laugh over silly things, she’d say “I love you,” and I’d reply “Me too.”
I never imagined those days would end. It felt like they would last forever.
But now is different.
Now, I’m living with Tsumugi-chan. When I come home, I immediately prepare dinner. I’ve taken on the role of supporting her.
“I’m going to make dinner now. Wait a little bit.”
Even knowing I wouldn’t get a reply, I spoke up before entering the kitchen.
The menu was the same as yesterday, chosen from the things Shiori used to like. Tsumugi-chan hadn’t said anything about it yesterday, and she had finished everything.
So, it shouldn’t be the wrong choice. I wanted to believe that.
As I chopped the ingredients and turned on the heat, a warm aroma gradually spread through the room. It was the same smell from all those times Shiori and I sat around this table together.
I arranged the finished dishes on the table and called out, just like yesterday.
“Dinner’s ready. Come before it gets cold.”
My words were swallowed up by the hallway. Then, after a dozen seconds of silence, a faint presence stirred from deep within the corridor.
With the slight creak of floorboards, slow footsteps drew nearer.
Tsumugi-chan appeared without a word, pulled out a chair, and sat down. Her gaze remained lowered, refusing to look at my face. Silently, she picked up her chopsticks and began eating with a detached air.
It was so quiet I couldn’t even hear her chewing. She seemed to be moving the food to her mouth mechanically. It looked less like eating and more like forcing down nutrients just to survive.
The air was heavy, as if an invisible wall stood over the table.
Amidst this, her voice suddenly dropped.
“…What’s this?”
Without looking up, her eyes fixed on her plate, she simply posed the small question.
“Huh?”
“It’s the same as yesterday… all stuff my sister liked. What? You trying to say ‘I knew my sister best’?”
A shock like a heavy stone being pressed against my chest made my breath catch for a moment.
“N-no, that’s not it. It’s not like that—”
The moment I floundered to explain, she slowly raised her face.
“…!”
Her eyes were just as sharp, cold, and filled with deep darkness and hatred as they had been since that day.
“Don’t mess with me. I’m her family, I knew her best. You’re the one who took her from me. Don’t play the good person for your own self-satisfaction, it makes me sick.”
“Wh…!”
My words froze in my throat.
I thought I was prepared. I’d told myself over and over that it was only natural to be hated. Yet, having such harsh words thrown directly at me like this, I felt something inside my chest tear.
As I stood there, stunned and frozen, she returned to her meal in silence.
Her expression didn’t change. She didn’t shout. She just repeated those detached motions, as if eating only to survive.
Eventually, she finished, stood up, carried her plate to the kitchen, and without looking at me, said:
“I’m grateful that you make meals like this and let me live here. Thank you for the meal. …But I will never forgive you. I will never be won over by you.”
She had said “Thank you for the meal” for the first time. And yet, the thorny words that followed completely negated it all.
Gratitude and hatred from the same mouth. It was contradictory, yet it painfully conveyed her true feelings.
Without another word, she quietly returned to her room.
Left behind, I was utterly crushed.
I sat alone in the dead-silent living room, staring at the table. Unnoticed by me, the steam had vanished.
The flavors Shiori loved were hurting Tsumugi-chan. Every time I offered up something “I cherished,” she probably felt like a blade was being pointed at her.
Everything I did with good intentions was backfiring.
What does it mean to protect someone? What does it mean to support someone?
Deep in my chest, questions with no answers swirled in a vortex.
—What should I do?
The unvoiced whisper unraveled in the back of my throat, but of course, there was no reply.
In the chilled air, I just sat there, unable to move. Only time passed, indifferent and steady.
And I was made to realize yet another thing.
This is how heavy atonement is.