When I next opened my eyes, the clock on the conference room wall already showed it was past noon. Lunch break was approaching, and a somewhat relaxed atmosphere seemed to drift through the office.
After staring blankly at the ceiling for a moment, I slowly sat up. My body felt heavy, yet strangely, something deep inside felt light.
It feels like the first time in a long while I’ve slept properly without sleeping pills.
The heaviness that had clung to the back of my mind like a fog had completely thinned, and I had the sensation that my own body had finally returned to me.
However, seeing my senior’s jacket hanging on the chair next to mine, a feeling of guilt welled up inside me.
On the dark fabric, the nearly-dried traces of tears were deeply stained. The clear evidence remained—proof that I had clung to it, pressed my face against it, and cried out loud.
“Senior, I’m so sorry. For making such a…”
When I apologized, my senior smiled as if it were nothing.
“It’s fine, really. I always carry a change of clothes for times like this. See? A working adult’s preparedness.”
She said it lightly, but the kindness contained in her words seeped warmly into my chest. Then, looking at my tear-swollen face, my senior raised an eyebrow slightly.
“But wow… If Shiori found out about this, she’d probably get furious and come back to haunt me, wouldn’t she? ‘Huh? You made Akane cry!? I won’t forgive you, Senior!'”
The way she said it was so like Shiori that I almost let out a small laugh.
“…She probably would say something like that, if it were Shiori…. And, I wish she would come back in any form.”
I could remember all of Shiori’s faces—her angry face, her crying face, her sulking face yet all of them were now out of reach. The more I remembered, the more their distance became starkly clear.
While that thought tightened my chest, the fact that my senior could mention Shiori’s name so naturally like this also felt like a kind of salvation. Even if Shiori’s presence had vanished from the world, she still lived vividly in the memories of people other than just me and Tsumugi-chan… That’s what I could believe.
“The bags under your eyes look a bit better. Well, your makeup is completely ruined, so that’s hardly the point right now.”
“Huh…?”
As I reached for my phone to check, my senior handed me a compact mirror.
“Here, reality check.”
Peering in cautiously, the face reflected there was a terrible mess. Tears and foundation were mixed together, making me look like I had makeup from a haunted house.
I felt embarrassed for having thought just moments ago that I looked “a bit better.”
“If I go back looking like this, everyone will be too concerned to focus on work…”
“True. But for a duo who skipped out all morning, it feels a bit like ‘too late now,’ don’t you think?”
“…Please, blame it all on me.”
“I will. If rumors spread that I skipped work and made a colleague cry, my reputation would plummet.”
Saying it breezily, my senior pushed the tissue box on the desk toward me.
“Alright then… We still have some break time left. I’ll go buy some coffee or sandwiches or something. Akane, do you want your coffee sweet? Or are you in a black coffee mood?”
“…Sweet, please.”
“Okay, okay. My treat today, as a special exception.”
As she said it, my senior laughed cheerfully.
She’s always been like that. Ever since high school, my senior has always cracked jokes. The more important the situation, the more she’d joke to lighten the mood, all while subtly supporting you. She seemed strong, yet was kind—a reliable person.
I really like my senior. But as a person. I’ve never once felt anything like wanting her to be my lover.
My heart is still, and will always be, directed solely toward Shiori. No matter how kindly anyone treats me, that won’t waver, and it can’t be made to waver.
“By the way, what about this afternoon? Should we keep reminiscing and skip the afternoon too, and get even more scolded? Or should we tackle the mountain of piled-up work, or just go home already?”
I took a deep breath and looked straight at my senior.
“…I’ll wash off all my makeup and go back to work. I feel a lot better now.”
It wasn’t a lie. The pain that had been constricting my chest until just a moment ago had eased, if only a little. It hadn’t completely vanished, but it wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t stand.
“I see… Then let’s head back after lunch. But from tomorrow on, you get proper sleep, okay? To protect Tsumugi-chan, you have to protect yourself first. Overdoing it is really a no-go.”
“…Yes.”
Nodding to my gently smiling senior, I first headed to the washroom and removed all my makeup.
My bare face in the mirror looked somewhat pale, with shadows still lingering under my eyes. It was obvious I was exhausted.
Right after losing Shiori, I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t find any meaning in living, any reason to get up. I was just empty, with only my breath continuing.
Compared to that, right now, I’m still trying to look forward.
That alone makes a difference.
◇
Returning to work, I opened my computer screen and placed my fingers on the keyboard.
Work emails after so long, accumulated tasks in unprocessed documents. My mind understood, but my fingertips hesitated for just a moment. Still, once I started typing, my body remembered.
Tap-tap-tap went the regular, rhythmic sound. Mixed with that sound, I kept thinking about Tsumugi-chan in a corner of my mind.
How should I interact with her from now on? What should I say, what shouldn’t I say?
How can I get her to open her heart, even little by little? How much time will that take?… Maybe it’s impossible, no matter how many years pass.
Every time I recall those cold eyes, my chest grows heavy.
Even so, I am not alone. Here at the office, my senior is by my side like this. When it’s hard, I can rely on someone—the words my senior gave me earlier felt warmly comforting.
And, Shiori is in my heart. The wish she entrusted to me at the end still supports me now.
Someday, I’m sure a day will come when Tsumugi-chan and I can gradually share memories and talk about Shiori together. Even if we’re crying, a day when we can talk about her.
I believe such a future will absolutely come.
—At that time, I was still naively thinking in such a way.
I had no way of knowing yet that the reality awaiting me would not readily permit such a wish.