The night before Tsumugi-chan was to leave for the overnight training trip, I did what I could to prepare on my own.
I took out the towels and bath towels stored at the back of the shelf. I had bought them, two sets of each, for when Shiori and I officially started living together, and had kept them carefully stored away, unused.
Two sets in the same color, made of slightly nicer fabric. “If we’re going to do it, we might as well get proper ones, right? Let’s use them forever and make them part of our memories,” I had said, laughing with Shiori as we chose them.
Back then, I never imagined a future like this.
I carefully took them out, one by one, still untouched in their bags. The fabric still felt stiff, carrying no one’s scent. Each time I ran my fingers over it, a quiet ache throbbed deep in my chest.
Even so, I refolded them and gently placed them in front of Tsumugi-chan’s room.
“I’m leaving the towels here.”
There was no reply. But if Tsumugi-chan needed them, she would take them. If she didn’t, I would just collect them later.
That was the distance between us now.
Even without exchanging more words than necessary, we managed the bare minimum of interaction in our daily lives. I was being rejected, yet not completely shut out.
I was clinging to this ambiguous relationship.
◇
After finishing the preparations, we sat facing each other for dinner. Tsumugi-chan, seated across the table, still showed almost no change in expression.
Only a very short time had passed since we started living together. Even so, I was beginning to gradually understand her preferences from trivial things: the dishes her chopsticks reached for first, the seasonings she tended to leave behind, the menus she would silently finish eating…
Tsumugi-chan liked slightly sweet tamagoyaki. She didn’t care much for strongly seasoned dishes. She always drank her soup last, so I served ones that were still tasty even when cooled.
These weren’t Shiori’s preferences; they were tastes Tsumugi-chan herself liked.
When I realized that, a small pain and, simultaneously, a sense of relief welled up in my chest. It was because I felt I was truly seeing Tsumugi-chan, not just seeing her through Shiori.
In this house, I wanted her to feel even a little bit at peace. If possible, I wanted to grant all her wishes. So she wouldn’t be troubled, so she wouldn’t feel lonely.
Only, there was one single wish I absolutely couldn’t grant.
—”Give my sister back.”
That one, no matter how much I prayed or apologized, was something I could do nothing about. Because Shiori wasn’t coming back.
“You have the overnight training starting tomorrow.”
Breaking the silence amidst the faint clinking of chopsticks, I spoke up.
“……”
“I hope you can make some friends. I’m sure the three years of high school will become lasting memories.”
“…I don’t need friends.”
It was a dark, dismissive voice. Even so, I continued.
“Don’t need them…? I think being alone for all three years wouldn’t be very fun, honestly.”
As I said it, somewhere inside, I thought, “That was unnecessary.”
At that moment, there was a clack as chopsticks were set down, and Tsumugi-chan slowly raised her face. The gaze directed at me was, as usual—no, even colder and sharper than usual.
“…Fun?”
Her voice held a slight tremor, as if she couldn’t quite contain her emotions.
“Don’t be ridiculous. With my sister dead, there’s no way I could have fun or laugh.”
Her words tightened around my chest.
I know. I should know that, and yet…
“What? Have you already forgotten about my sister and moved on to a happy life? Ah… so that’s why you can say things like that.”
“N-No, that’s not it. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it like—”
“Who do you think is responsible for this? Taking away my sister… my family.”
Her words flew at me like blades.
“Really… why are you the one still alive?
“…!”
My breath caught, and no sound came out.
Even so, Tsumugi-chan stood up without concern, took her finished dishes, and placed them in the sink. Then, with a dry clang… she turned her back, about to return to her room.
“Tsumugi-chan!”
I couldn’t help but desperately raise my voice.
“I don’t intend to say I can replace Shiori, your sister!”
My voice trembled, my throat hurt. Even so, I couldn’t stop myself from saying it.
“I just want to do what I can for you, Tsumugi-chan. That’s all… please understand.”
Tsumugi-chan slowly stopped and looked back. But her eyes, dark and deeply clouded, showed that my words hadn’t reached her at all.
“Of course. There’s no way you could replace my sister. I won’t even allow you to try.”
Her cold voice made my chest feel heavy and leaden.
“The only thing you can do is spend your whole life making it up to me. Don’t forget that.”
Leaving only those words, Tsumugi-chan disappeared beyond the door. Bang, the sound of the door closing echoed through the house. After that, nothing more could be heard.
I stood there, rooted to the spot, unable to move.
“Ah…”
My words, spoken with good intentions, had hurt her again. The more I tried to get closer, the more I pushed her away. What I meant as kindness sometimes became a blade.
Could I really ever close this distance? Would such a day ever come?
Even so—
“I know, even without being told…”
In the empty living room, I whispered softly.
“I know I can’t become Shiori, and that all I can do is keep making amends.”
My vision blurred as I remembered that day.
Shiori’s last words are still seared into my ears. They weren’t “I love you,” nor “I don’t want to die”—
‘Tsu…mu…gi… I’m… beg…ging… you————’
That was all.
Even as her own life was fading, her last thoughts were of her sister. Not me, but Tsumugi-chan. That was Shiori.
I can’t ignore the last wish of Shiori, whom I loved, a wish she voiced even as she realized she was dying.
No matter how much I’m hated, no matter how much I’m hurt, I have to make it so Tsumugi-chan can live with even the slightest smile.
Because fulfilling that is surely Shiori’s wish.