The moment the shopping mall’s automatic doors opened, the fear that had been constricting my body lightened, as if I were being cut off from the outside world’s commotion and the sound of cars.
Air, different from outside in some way, touched my cheeks, and the bright sounds of the mall interior spread through my ears.
The light BGM flowing from the ceiling, the in-store announcements, children’s laughter. The lingering echo of car horns that had remained deep in my ears until just moments ago was being overwritten by these other sounds.
That alone made breathing a little easier.
Even so, the stiffness remaining in my chest hadn’t completely faded. Somewhere deep inside, a tremor still lingered.
…I’ll walk home using backstreets with as little traffic as possible. Making that decision, I took a deep breath. Air entered my lungs and slowly left.
Looking to the side, Tsumugi-chan was standing a little distance away.
I took the printout Tsumugi-chan had given me this morning from my bag pocket and showed it to her.
“So, Tsumugi-chan, shall we buy the things on this list you don’t have? Which one first?”
Tsumugi-chan lowered her gaze to the printout, silently reading it for a while before—muttering a reply.
“…Folding umbrella.”
“Ah, I have two folding umbrellas, but—”
“I don’t want it. Yours, absolutely not.”
It was an immediate answer. There was no hesitation in her decisive tone.
“…Yeah, okay.”
I should have been used to rejection by now. Even so, a small thorn pierced deep in my chest. A pain that felt like the more I tried to pull it out, the deeper it went.
But, that’s fine. It’s okay if she rejects my things. It’s okay if she rejects me myself.
Even so, Tsumugi-chan is here. Under the same roof of that house, sleeping in the room next to mine, waking up in the morning and eating meals in the living room. Even if reluctantly, even if out of necessity, she stays, not leaving.
That alone makes me see hope on my own.
That someday, a day might come when we can talk even just a little normally.
That someday, a day might come when we can talk about memories of Shiori together.
Wanting that future, I still can’t give up today.
We headed upstairs on the escalator and arrived at the household goods floor. Reaching the folding umbrella section, Tsumugi-chan kept a step’s distance from me, quietly looking around to see if there was anything she might like.
…Though maybe that’s just me thinking that arbitrarily.
I didn’t chase after her. If I stood beside her, she’d surely create distance again. So, from a slightly removed position, I just watched.
Doing that, a familiar pattern suddenly leaped into my view.
“…!”
One of the folding umbrellas lined up in a corner of the shelf. It was strikingly similar to the umbrella Shiori used.
That umbrella she proudly showed me on a rainy day, saying, “It’s cute, right?” I teased her, saying, “Isn’t it a bit childish?” and she puffed out her cheeks, I remember.
That folding umbrella should have been in Shiori’s bag that day. But surely, crushed by the impact of the accident, its frame broken, its fabric torn, it’s no longer usable.
Now, it must be somewhere in Tsumugi-chan’s room, kept as a memento…
—Wouldn’t it be okay to buy the same one? If Tsumugi-chan used it, I could see that pattern again.
For an instant, that thought crossed my mind, and my hand unconsciously started to reach for the umbrella in front of me.
But, for whose sake? For Tsumugi-chan’s? Or… for my own?
My fingertips stopped. I averted my gaze from the umbrella as much as possible and decided to look at another product shelf as if nothing had happened.
Even in a place with so few memories of Shiori, things that reminded me of her easily appeared before my eyes. Even towels or handkerchiefs in Shiori’s favorite colors brought back past memories, tightening my chest.
‘—Shiori likes colors like this, right?’
‘You get it? I really like it. Ah, of course I like Akane more?’
‘Ehh… I’m being compared to a color…’
The conversation from the memory vividly revived. Shiori’s voice from that time, with a slightly playfully spoiled tone and a joking smile.
It’s painful, but somehow also happy. I still remember Shiori clearly. Forgetting would surely be scarier.
After a while, Tsumugi-chan seemed to have finished choosing and came back holding a small black folding umbrella.
“…This one.”
It was plain black, without any decoration. A color Shiori likely wouldn’t have chosen.
“Okay. Next, what do you want?”
“…Duffel bag.”
“A bag, huh. Umm… ah, over there, I think.”
Checking the floor map, I pointed in the direction of the section. As I started walking, Tsumugi-chan followed behind me, maintaining the same distance.
Not walking side-by-side close to me, but not so far as to disappear from view. Just keeping a fixed distance, matching my pace with her footsteps.
—Will a day ever come when we can walk side-by-side naturally? A distance where our shoulders might touch, even while making idle chatter.
Thinking such things, a family group approached from the opposite direction. A woman who seemed to be the mother and three elementary school-aged sisters were holding hands, laughing together. The youngest pointed at something, and the mother and older sister nodded gently.
If Shiori were alive, could we have laughed together like that too? Thinking that, I glanced back and saw that perhaps having witnessed that scene, Tsumugi-chan’s expression had drastically changed.
It wasn’t quite hatred or jealousy. That was surely a look only someone carrying loss could direct.
It’s true I lost Shiori. But my parents and grandparents are still alive. If I returned to my family home, my family would welcome me.
But Tsumugi-chan lost her entire family form, and now she’s utterly alone. Even if it’s the same loss, its depth is completely different. I must never say I understand her feelings.
Before I knew it, Tsumugi-chan had passed by me and moved ahead. In the instant she passed, I thought I saw something glistening on her cheek.
It looked like a tear.
Even so, she never stopped. She didn’t try to wipe her eyes, as if wanting to get away from here even a little faster.
“…I’m sorry.”
Unable to convey it clearly, I murmured softly. I wasn’t even sure myself what the apology was for.
For not being able to protect Shiori? For being the only one who survived? For someone like me still being by her side now?
Tsumugi-chan’s back didn’t turn around. There was no reply. She just kept walking at a steady pace.
I quickened my steps just a little, following so as not to lose sight of that back.