After asking that question, the room fell into a dead silence. Before Mu Xinghai could even respond, Ruan Chen had already run out.
Ruan Chen couldn’t help but sneer at himself. How ridiculous. Mu Xinghai had always been straight and not just that, he was the kind of man with endless romantic prospects, a true player surrounded by admirers. Asking him something like that… it was hard to say who should feel more embarrassed. As if he had been serious about it? No. He had simply become desperate for a place to belong.
Lost in his thoughts, Ruan Chen stepped forward absentmindedly, only to slip and fall hard onto the ground. He had stepped on half melted snow.
Perfect. Now he was covered in dirty slush. Misfortunes really did come one after another.
Ruan Chen tried to stand. He bent one leg and pressed his foot against the ground but failed to find his footing and fell back again in an even more awkward sprawl. Supporting himself with one hand on the ground, his face flushed faintly red.
At that moment, a hand reached out from the side, grasping his arm and helping him halfway up.
Ruan Chen didn’t even need to look to know who it was. “……”
“Can you not be mad at me for now…?” Mu Xinghai said with something like a sigh.
He had always felt that he was still young, that no matter what he did, he didn’t need to invest too much sincerity. He had never truly encountered anything that could be called a major turning point in life but Ruan Chen’s question carried too much weight.
He had genuinely been stunned.
At first, he felt flattered, even incredulous. He had thought they hadn’t even clearly defined themselves as lovers yet, had Ruan Chen already begun thinking about spending a lifetime together with him?
Then came a headache.
Right now, he was indeed infatuated with playing around with this man.
But a home, a lifetime… that was far too solemn, far too heavy.
He had never once considered a long term relationship with Ruan Chen.
Ruan Chen had already stopped crying. With his head lowered, he stared at the large stain of dirt on his sleeve, his voice returning to a flat, indifferent calm. “I’m not mad. Will it really be okay if you don’t go home tonight?”
Mu Xinghai said, “It’s already this late. Even if I drive back, I won’t get home until three or four in the morning. If I’m leaving, it might as well be tomorrow.”
Ruan Chen made a soft “Mm.”
Mu Xinghai could tell, whenever Ruan Chen disliked someone, he would respond like this but he felt guilty and it wasn’t strange for Ruan Chen to harbor some resentment.
Not minding the dirt, Mu Xinghai grabbed Ruan Chen’s hand, pulled tissues from his pocket and lightly wiped the grime from his hands and sleeves. “Let’s go back to the hotel first. Your clothes need washing too.”
So they returned to the hotel room.
Neither of them brought up what had happened before they left. By silent agreement, they let it pass.
Mu Xinghai stripped off Ruan Chen’s dirty clothes, then decided he might as well wash up himself. He lathered, rinsed clean and soon the two of them were soaking together in the bathtub.
Ruan Chen sat at the far end of the tub, hugging his knees. Now that he had calmed down, his mind felt empty, as though he didn’t want to think about anything at all. As Mu Xinghai watched the light fall across Ruan Chen’s body, he had the strange illusion that the man was becoming transparent.
Mu Xinghai moved closer, the warm water shifting with him in a quiet current.
Ruan Chen glanced at him and Mu Xinghai immediately stopped, not daring to move any further.
It felt as though there was an invisible wall between them. He could no longer get close. A trace of bitterness rose in his heart. He used to think Ruan Chen looked easy to coax, easy to deceive but now he realized how difficult it truly was.
Maybe after tonight, it would all be over.
Just as he was thinking this,
Ruan Chen looked at Mu Xinghai. His eyelashes and the ends of his hair were damp with water. In a soft voice, he asked, “Are you going home tomorrow?”
Hm?
Mu Xinghai answered vaguely, “If you want me to stay with you, then I’ll stay.”
Ruan Chen didn’t respond immediately. After a moment of thought, he asked again, “You’re going abroad to study next semester, aren’t you?”
Mu Xinghai paused, then said, “Around June or July. If everything goes smoothly.”
Ruan Chen nodded. “Then we still have four or five months together.”
It was “together,” not “in love.”
Now that everything had been laid out, it was like setting the terms of an agreement, only physical intimacy would be shared, not emotional attachment. For both of them, it seemed like the optimal choice.
That should have been the case. Mu Xinghai told himself this in his heart but why did he not feel happy at all?
Mu Xinghai asked, “Then are we considered lovers?”
This was the second time he had asked. Ruan Chen felt a bit annoyed. It was just a label, what use did it have? He said, “If you think we are, then we are.”
“But don’t let anyone else know.”
Mu Xinghai responded with a muted “Mm.” At least for this short period of time, he was genuinely in a relationship with Ruan Chen. He couldn’t quite explain what he was seeking, only that it still didn’t feel like enough.
And so, they officially began a secret relationship.
Until the semester started.
Ruan Chen was busy. Mu Xinghai was busy as well.
Even arranging to meet occasionally required traveling to distant places, carefully choosing locations to avoid being recognized.
Finally, on Ruan Chen’s birthday, they managed to spend some intimate time together. Mu Xinghai felt refreshed, as though he had finally fully indulged himself but after sneaking out of Ruan Chen’s dormitory, he felt an even deeper sense of emptiness.
He thought that before the deadline arrived, he should exhaust his interest in Ruan Chen, so that when the time came to leave, he wouldn’t feel any attachment.
But now, it seemed that not only had his interest not faded, he wanted to see Ruan Chen even more.
That night, he dreamed of Ruan Chen.
But in the dream, Ruan Chen did not look the way he did in reality. Instead, he had turned into a small child, dressed in wrinkled, worn out clothes, sitting quietly on a stone beside a large iron gate. He didn’t cry or make a fuss, he simply waited in silence.
In the dream, Mu Xinghai walked over and asked, “What are you doing here?”
The child version of Ruan Chen replied, “I’m waiting for someone to come take me away.”
Then a bus arrived. The doors opened. Mu Xinghai stepped toward it and the little Ruan Chen stood up, waved at him and said, “Goodbye.”
One of his feet was already on the step but he couldn’t help turning back to look at Ruan Chen. The words “Do you want to come with me?” were already stuck in his throat, just about to be spoken.
“Ring!!”
In the dream, it was the sound of the bus horn.
Outside the dream, it was the doorbell ringing.
Mu Xinghai jolted awake.
In the middle of the night, who could it be? Could it be Senior Ruan coming to find him?
Mu Xinghai liked to sleep wearing only his underwear. He hastily threw on a robe and went to open the door.
The display screen of the video intercom showed the person outside clearly. Mu Xinghai looked closely and immediately felt disappointed.
It wasn’t Ruan Chen.
It was Jiang Tingting.
He glanced at his watch. It was past two in the morning.
What was she doing here at this hour? And her expression… she didn’t look well at all.
After a moment of hesitation, Mu Xinghai still opened the door and asked, “Why are you here?”
Jiang Tingting reeked of alcohol. Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed, “I miss you so much…”
Oh. Probably got played by another guy. Mu Xinghai thought. He didn’t feel any sense of vindication, nor did he feel sympathy. He regarded her situation with the same indifference one would show a stranger on the street.
After all, before they had even properly broken things off, he had already been entangled with Ruan Chen, sharing several ambiguous nights together. In that sense, they were even.
Still, she was a girl, showing up drunk in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t be safe to send her away like this. Even out of basic decency, he should at least say a few comforting words. Mu Xinghai privately acknowledged his own hypocrisy.
He stepped aside and said, “Come in and sit. We can talk slowly.”
He poured a cup of steaming barley tea.
Jiang Tingting held the cup in both hands, clutching it tightly. “Thank you.”
Even before she spoke further, Mu Xinghai could tell from her hesitant demeanor that she wanted to rekindle things. Pretending not to notice, he avoided the topic and asked casually, “Did you fight with your boyfriend?”
She nodded, then blushed and shook her head. “It’s not like anything really happened between us. He was the one who kept pursuing me.”
Mu Xinghai was referring to a mutual acquaintance of theirs, a junior one year below them. Back then, he had discovered the ambiguous messages between Jiang Tingting and that junior, couldn’t accept it and their relationship had deteriorated into a cold war before finally falling apart.
“I thought after we broke up, you got together with him,” Mu Xinghai said. In truth, he didn’t care much about her love life. He added a perfunctory comment, “You should be more careful when choosing a man. Don’t pick someone who makes you end up drunk and crying in the middle of the night.”
The conversation itself felt strange.
Two people who had once been in a relationship, who had even nearly reached the stage of discussing marriage, now calmly talking about emotional issues like this.
Jiang Tingting fell silent for a moment, then said in a subdued, almost humble tone, “Xinghai, you’re still the one who treats me best.”
Mu Xinghai raised an eyebrow, a sense of “just as expected” passing through him. He denied it. “No. I’m not.”
Jiang Tingting froze. She was perceptive enough to sense something and asked, “Have you already fallen for someone else?”
There had always been many girls interested in Mu Xinghai. He rarely had a gap between relationships. This wasn’t surprising.
Mu Xinghai neither confirmed nor denied it outright. “Something like that.”
As he answered, he was thinking of Ruan Chen.
“Then… I’m sorry,” Jiang Tingting said gently. “In that case, it’s probably not appropriate for me to stay here, right? Your girlfriend might misunderstand.”
No one else had actually seen Jiang Tingting come over but Mu Xinghai didn’t really want to keep her there either. “It’s not very convenient. Do you have money with you? Do you need me to lend you some? Or I can take you to a nearby hotel.”
Jiang Tingting stood up. “N.. no need. I’ll just leave.”
Mu Xinghai escorted her downstairs, took her to the nearest small hotel and only headed back home after watching her book a room.
The next day.
Jiang Tingting received a file and a message from Ruan Chen:
“Take a look at this, then revise it yourself. It’s your assignment, so you need to be familiar with it.”
“Why have you suddenly not wanted to do your homework again lately?”
Jiang Tingting replied:
“My ex boyfriend wants to get back together with me. It’s making me restless.”
✦ ✧ ✦
Fleurveil
[Translator]
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← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7