Ruan Chen’s chest burned fiercely but he also felt that it was his own fault, a punishment he deserved. He endured it silently, saying nothing.
This was always his way. Whether he was in the right or wrong, if staying silent could keep the storm from escalating, he didn’t mind taking the hit. He had grown accustomed to it, as if habit had forged a shield around his vulnerability.
More often than not, ending an argument for him didn’t mean out arguing the other person until they were silenced. It meant refusing to respond at all. When the other party realized there was no reaction, most quarrels simply fizzled out on their own.
Mu Xinghai’s eyes never blinked, locked on Ruan Chen like iron.
He knew, without a doubt, that if Ruan Chen dared to speak a single word, dared to argue, dared to provoke him, he would absolutely, without hesitation, pin Ruan Chen down and take him so thoroughly there’d be no coming back.
In Mu Xinghai’s mind, a thousand frenzied scenarios ran wild. He imagined gripping Ruan Chen’s neck just enough to scare him, leaning close, his voice sharp and demanding: “You like her, don’t you? Does she even know what I did to you?”
But Ruan Chen remained silent, silent, motionless, as if he were a statue. That unyielding stillness, strangely, forced some semblance of control back into Mu Xinghai’s otherwise frenzied mind. His rapid, ragged breathing gradually eased into a calmer rhythm.
In that quiet, Ruan Chen bent down, carefully picking up the scattered items from the floor. He spoke slowly, measured, almost deliberately: “At first, I just wanted to be friends with you. Back then, I thought you were… genuinely a good person. Later… I wasn’t sure myself.”
He paused briefly, as if weighing each word. “If I had to put it into words… I only slept with you because I was afraid of being lonely.”
“I thought… since you were only going to play around with me anyway, I didn’t need to take responsibility. Isn’t that… fair?”
Ruan Chen expected an eruption of anger, scolding, or a bitter outburst from Mu Xinghai.
But instead, Mu Xinghai’s voice came, low and restrained, almost thoughtful: “Then… did you, without realizing it, start liking me along the way?”
He thought he sounded rational. After all, these are the very moments TV shows and novels dramatize, aren’t they? He remembered watching such scenarios and wondering why people couldn’t just sense feelings developing naturally instead of turning everything into an argument.
Mu Xinghai didn’t know that, with his current aura, red eyes, flushed cheeks, the trace of rage lingering in his tense posture, his question looked like a death sentence rather than a reasonable inquiry.
Ruan Chen trembled visibly. “I… don’t know.”
He explained quietly, almost to himself, “I don’t really know what it means to like someone… or to love someone.”
Mu Xinghai’s patience snapped. He flicked his tongue in irritation, exhaling sharply, his tone sharp and commanding: “I’m asking you one thing, would you sleep with anyone just because you were lonely? Yes or no. This is a not multiple choice question, one answer only. Pick one.”
Ruan Chen felt his shame stripped bare, exposed to the bone but the question was clear. He answered simply, “No.”
In that instant, Mu Xinghai’s entire torrent of anger dissolved into tenderness. He forgave Ruan Chen entirely.
He reached out, pulling Ruan Chen close, so close he could almost hold him. His voice was gentle, surrendering almost like a flag raised in truce: “So, Senior Ruan… don’t say things that hurt me anymore.”
“I know you don’t really like me but… even when we were together, you must have had some feelings for me.”
“I don’t care about all your Freudian, Adlerian nonsense, you’re a literature student and I’ve never been interested. I don’t need all that analysis but I know this: when I see you smile, I’m happy. When I see you down, I get worried. When I see you lonely, I want to protect you, to be with you. You said you wanted a place to belong… I wish I could leap ten years into the future, confident enough and do all of this with you.”
Ruan Chen felt both touched and terrified. How could someone like him… treat me like this? After everything, Mu Xinghai still softened around him, almost bending over backward for his sake.
It made him feel undeserving, more so than ever. The more accommodating Mu Xinghai was, the more Ruan Chen shrank away from accepting it.
Just as Ruan Chen tried to speak, Mu Xinghai interrupted.
“I know you’re about to say some big, bold words again,” he said, voice steady, “and I know, with your personality, you still won’t completely trust me but I’m not asking you to give everything away, either.”
“I’ve thought it through.”
“I just want you to try with me. Senior Ruan, love isn’t the entirety of life. I know that. Everyone is their own independent person. This… this is a modern, rational kind of love.”
Mu Xinghai paused, thinking, Okay, that’s literary enough, sounds formal enough.
Ruan Chen finally lifted his gaze, looking him square in the eye. “Don’t you think now is a terribly inappropriate time for all this?”
Mu Xinghai shrugged, almost defiantly. “Then I’ll handle the rest however I want.”
“You’re going abroad soon.”
“And going abroad doesn’t mean we can’t continue seeing each other. It’s not like I’m never coming back.”
“Everyone already knows about me and Jiang Tingting… about your relationship with her… don’t you feel embarrassed?”
“I do but I don’t care about embarrassment anymore.”
“Then… should I shamelessly follow you?”
“We’ve already become the talk of others. If we don’t act together, do you think they’ll speak any better of us?”
Ruan Chen had never been pursued like this in his life.
Mu Xinghai was like a stray dog that had been thrown away, running back desperately, sticking close, pushing boundaries again and again. Ruan Chen felt his resolve weaken.
Mu Xinghai reached to pull him into a hug but Ruan Chen flinched slightly. Then, worried he might be misunderstood, he muttered, “…You’re too stinky.”
He had been meaning to say that for a while.
Mu Xinghai’s cheeks flushed.
Ruan Chen said firmly, “Go take a shower first.”
Mu Xinghai, relentless, teased, “If I shower, can I come to you after?”
Ruan Chen shook his head. “Clean yourself first, then we’ll see.”
Mu Xinghai stepped into the shower in Ruan Chen’s room.
Meanwhile, Ruan Chen opened his wardrobe, rifling through clothes to find two sets that would fit Mu Xinghai, ready to replace his worn, messy attire.
At that moment, Ruan Chen’s phone rang.
He glanced at the screen. The caller ID read: Junior Sister.
He swiped to answer and on the other end, Jiang Tingting’s voice trembled with sobs, rushed and frantic: “Senior… Senior, I have no one else to turn to. I know I’ve wronged you but… can you come help me? Please… I beg you… I’m scared he might… he might kill me…”
Ruan Chen’s voice remained steady, though calm barely masked his worry: “Have you called the police?”
“Yes, I have. I’m at the police station now.”
Ruan Chen paused briefly, pressing a hand to his forehead where a crease of worry had formed. Still, with a resigned, almost gentlemanly tone, he asked: “Where are you?” This would give him a legitimate reason to step out for a moment.
After getting her location, Ruan Chen grabbed a jacket and approached the bathroom door. He knocked lightly twice on the wooden panel: “Mu Xinghai, I left some clothes outside for you. Put them on after your shower. Jiang Tingting called; I need to go see her for a bit.”
The sound of water splashing stopped abruptly. Mu Xinghai froze, thinking he’d misheard. “Who’s calling you?”
Ruan Chen replied honestly: “Jiang Tingting. I’m going now. You take care of yourself.”
With that, he slipped away.
“Ruan Chen!” Mu Xinghai’s voice was muffled by the shower foam clinging to his head and body. Panic shot through him and he bolted out of the bathroom, nearly in nothing but soap bubbles, forgetting to put on clothes. He almost chased Ruan Chen straight out the door.
Damn it. Mu Xinghai cursed under his breath, hastily rinsing the remaining soap off. He threw on a set of ill fitting clothes, his movements frantic. The T-shirt Ruan Chen had left him stretched tight over his shoulders and chest, bulging awkwardly in all the wrong places.
He rushed downstairs, eyes darting around frantically, scanning every corner but there was no sign of Ruan Chen. Of course, not specifying where he was going, Ruan Chen had vanished without a trace. Mu Xinghai had no idea which direction to start running toward.
He fumbled for his phone, calling Ruan Chen. Busy signal. Again. He called Jiang Tingting. Also unreachable.
Desperate, Mu Xinghai turned to his social circle for help, posting in his friend chat: “Who knows where Jiang Tingting is right now?”
As always, rumors distorted the story. Within minutes, messages twisted into a terrifying exaggeration: “Jiang Tingting tried to harm herself; her ex boyfriend is frantic!”
But Mu Xinghai knew better. He had her location. Without wasting another second, he sprinted toward the police station, heart hammering against his ribs, each step propelled by panic and urgency.
✦ ✧ ✦
Fleurveil
[Translator]
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← PreviousNext →
ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7