Although Ruan Chen had initially said he didn’t want to, he didn’t persist in refusing. After only a couple of kisses, he yielded obediently.
It was always like this.
Whenever he was asked, the answer was always no but the moment he was kissed, he softened; once things began, he turned pliant and needy.
The narrow, cramped tent was filled with the sharp smell of mosquito repellent. It was a cheap fragrance, the sort of scent that lingered stubbornly in the air ordinary and shabby, much like Ruan Chen himself.
He believed, of course, that he wasn’t a homosexual yet when Mu Xinghai touched him, when those hands moved across his body, he found that he didn’t dislike it at all. On the contrary, he found himself craving more contact. His thoughts became hazy, his forehead damp with a faint tremor as a confused thought surfaced in his mind, was the girl he liked also like this in bed?
Deep down, he had no choice but to admit the truth.
He liked being touched.
He was simply too lonely.
Whether it was a man or a woman didn’t seem to matter. As long as it was another person, that alone was enough.
Mu Xinghai asked him, “Is this your first time?”
Ruan Chen answered in a small voice, “…No.”
Mu Xinghai seemed somewhat surprised. “Really?”
The drawn out tone at the end sounded as though he were saying: You’re not just pretending to be experienced to fool me, are you?
Ruan Chen felt as though he had been mocked.
He was poor and ordinary. Was it really the case that even a boy so much younger than him had the right to doubt him, to laugh at the possibility that he might still be an old virgin?
Ruan Chen said, “I’m not lying to you. After all… after all, I’m already twenty eight.”
Even though it had been an experience that left him deeply unhappy and shaken in confidence, the fact remained that it had happened and to him, that had something to do with a man’s dignity.
“All right,” Mu Xinghai said slowly, though there seemed to be a trace of displeasure in his voice.
Ruan Chen didn’t quite understand it, though he sensed it vaguely and instinctively but why? When it came to matters of emotion and relationships, he had almost no experience at all.
Mu Xinghai, meanwhile, felt as though his own cleverness had backfired on him and led him straight into a trap. He had assumed that Ruan Chen was an inexperienced, artsy shut in who had never been with anyone before. He hadn’t expected that the man already had experience.
In fact, could it be that he himself had been the one who was seduced?
But if he wasn’t a virgin, then there was no need to be especially gentle with him.
After all, men were surely tougher than women when it came to enduring such things.
That was what Mu Xinghai thought.
Ruan Chen wasn’t quite what he appeared to be on the surface. His body was strong and flexible, not soft. He was somewhat thin and when Mu Xinghai held his hands, they felt completely different from a girl’s hands, rough and calloused, thickened with hardened skin scattered across the center of his palms.
When Ruan Chen clung to his back, Mu Xinghai sometimes had the strange illusion of sand or fine gravel scraping lightly across his skin.
Mu Xinghai felt as though he were going mad while still perfectly awake, unable to stop himself.
Only when he woke the next morning did Mu Xinghai feel a faint trace of guilt toward Lin Mu.
After all, Lin Mu liked Ruan Chen. Mu Xinghai had known that clearly. Not only had he deceived Lin Mu, he had also, without meaning to, snatched away the person Lin Mu liked.
He was the only one lying inside the tent now, though he could see the shadow of someone moving back and forth outside.
He hastily pulled on a couple of pieces of clothing and stepped out.
Ruan Chen had already dressed himself neatly in full hiking gear, wrapped up tightly so that even his neck was covered. He was crouched beside a small fire, cooking.
When Ruan Chen saw him, the two of them met each other’s eyes without realizing it.
Five seconds passed before Ruan Chen slowly lowered his head and said, “Good morning.”
Mu Xinghai also felt a bit embarrassed and replied, “Good morning.” Then he asked, “Your body isn’t feeling uncomfortable or anything, is it?”
Ruan Chen shook his head. “No.”
Mu Xinghai rubbed his nose awkwardly.
Really?
He had thought he might have gone a little too hard on him.
Ruan Chen didn’t mention what had happened the night before and Mu Xinghai didn’t bring it up either.
By silent agreement, the two of them pretended as though nothing had happened.
They drove away.
Just like Ennis and Jack leaving Brokeback Mountain, turning from homosexuals back into heterosexuals again.
After they arrived near the school, the car was parked by the roadside.
Ruan Chen had been worrying the entire way back. At this final moment, he finally asked with difficulty, his voice hesitant and stiff, “You and… you and your girlfriend… have you really already broken up?”
“Mm.” Mu Xinghai felt the strings of his heart stirred slightly by the man’s clumsy way of speaking. He couldn’t help thinking, was this another invitation? Did Ruan Chen want things to continue?
The thought irritated him, irritated him because of the involuntary flutter in his own chest.
“We broke up.”
He hesitated for a moment, wondering whether he should tell the real reason or spare his ex girlfriend a bit of dignity.
“Incompatible personalities,” he said at last. “We ended things peacefully.”
Ruan Chen was silent for a moment.
“…Oh. I’ll head back first. Thank you. Goodbye.”
Thank him?
For what?
For accompanying him to look at the stars or for rolling around together in the sleeping bag?
Mu Xinghai’s imagination immediately began to wander, his thoughts drifting restlessly.
Ruan Chen got out of the car. A bag was slung across his back and another was carried in his hand as he walked toward the dormitory buildings.
His steps were slow.
His heart felt heavy, filled to the brim with guilt.
Originally, after becoming friends with Mu Xinghai, he had intended to try persuading him. He had even prepared a long speech in his mind, wanting to tell him about the importance of loyalty in love.
But he had only managed to say a single sentence before somehow, inexplicably, being led into bed.
What a frivolous man.
Ruan Chen now felt that what Jiang Tingting had said about Mu Xinghai cheating must certainly be true. This man had so little sense of restraint that he would even sleep with a man he had only just met not long ago.
But now he himself had become the third party.
Or perhaps he had or perhaps he hadn’t.
In all his life, he had never done something so outrageous.
…How was he supposed to face his junior sister tomorrow?
And yet, at the same time, another feeling crept quietly into his heart.
A faint, twisted sense of superiority.
After all, Mu Xinghai was almost the most popular and handsome guy in the entire school. Simply knowing him was already something people might envy.
Not to mention having slept with him.
It almost felt as though Mu Xinghai liked him.
Ruan Chen sighed again.
He stopped walking and turned around to take a glance behind him.
Mu Xinghai’s car had already driven away.
No.
This wasn’t normal.
Gradually, his thoughts cooled and became clearer.
He decided that aside from seeing Mu Xinghai in class, it would be better not to have any further contact with him. Once this semester ended, he would also stop taking substitute teaching assignments.
He would treat what had happened last night as nothing more than a dream.
What a chaotic day.
Meanwhile, Mu Xinghai drove back toward the apartment he rented.
He didn’t live in the school dormitory, it was far too crowded. Instead, he rented a small apartment outside the campus, a place with two bedrooms and a living room.
It was noon, right at the peak of traffic.
His car was stuck on the road, trapped in a slow moving line of vehicles. Irritation bubbled inside him as he waited for the traffic to inch forward.
At the same time, he couldn’t figure out how he should interact with Ruan Chen from now on.
Originally, he had only wanted to tease him a little.
So how had it turned into actually sleeping with him?
And not only that, it had been quite enjoyable.
Every time the memory resurfaced, it left him feeling oddly reluctant to let it go.
Sigh.
Was he being fair to his friend?
He had always considered himself a loyal and righteous person.
No… Ruan Chen wasn’t Lin Mu’s boyfriend yet.
As he was thinking about this, Mu Xinghai suddenly noticed a familiar figure passing outside the car window.
It was Lin Mu.
Lin Mu was walking together with another man. The two of them shared a single sun umbrella. Even though Mu Xinghai couldn’t hear what they were saying, the atmosphere between people who were flirting with each other was obviously different from that of ordinary friends.
Anyone could see it at a glance.
But then again, things like this probably weren’t anything special for gay men, were they?
Mu Xinghai thought with faint disdain.
Weren’t gay men known for hooking up all the time? Very few of them actually settled down.
Perhaps Ruan Chen was simply one of Lin Mu’s many targets.
If that was the case, it might as well be him who played with Ruan Chen instead.
Mu Xinghai curled his finger and lightly tapped it against the steering wheel.
Just then, the red light turned green and the flow of traffic began to move again.
He gently pressed down on the accelerator, guiding the car forward.
…Maybe he should find another day to go look for Ruan Chen and hang out with him again.
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Fleurveil
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ChaptersChapter 1 · Rear WindowChapter 2 · Kahlil Gibran, “I Have Spit My Soul Seven Times”Chapter 3 · His ToyChapter 4 · Star GazingChapter 5 · Just a dreamChapter 6 · ColdChapter 7 · Yearning for LoveChapter 8 · A Good PersonChapter 9 · Such a good boyChapter 10 · Delivered to your doorChapter 11 · Not familiar with itChapter 12 · First loveChapter 13 · Giving giftsChapter 14 · HeartstringsChapter 15 · Chinese New YearChapter 16 · TruthChapter 17 · SeparateChapter 18 · Planting minesChapter 19 · ChoiceChapter 20 · More hereChapter 21 · Could things have gotten any worse?Chapter 22 · Not because you like me?Chapter 23 · Not because you like me?Chapter 24 · It’s a tangled mess, impossible to unravelChapter 25 · The truth has been revealedChapter 26 · Extra: 1Chapter 27 · Extra: 2Chapter 28 · Extra: 3Chapter 29 · Extra: 4Chapter 30 · Extra: 5Chapter 31 · Extra: 6Chapter 32 · Extra: 7