You Li had a dream.
A dream from a very, very long time ago.
In the dream, everything was shrouded in darkness. It was dim, silent and oppressive yet there was always someone there beside him.
It seemed that he had always been alone, utterly solitary, with no one by his side. His body was always hurting and there were people who laughed at him, their voices carrying the sharp, piercing laughter of children.
His ears were always being covered by someone’s hands.
Someone would tell him not to listen.
Sometimes, even his eyes would be gently covered as well.
He hid away inside his own mind.
And someone stayed hidden there with him.
“You only need to listen to me.”
“You only need to think about me in your heart.”
“You only need to look at me. Just look at me.”
The reply came in a muffled, slightly sullen voice, tinged with innocent curiosity. The childish tone carried an instinctive closeness.
It was You Li’s own voice.
“…How can I see you, Gege?”
“Look into a mirror. If you look into the mirror, you’ll be able to see me.”
He seemed to have become very small, so small that he had to stand on a little stool just to see the mirror above the sink. The old restroom was dirty and the mirror’s surface was mottled with age, its reflection blurred by countless scratches and stains.
Who was he looking at?
Was he looking at himself?
“I can’t see you.”
“I can see you.”
You Li strained to peer into the mirror, trying desperately to make out something within it yet all he could see was a dense veil of mist.
Then, all at once, he began to fall.
As though he were about to wake up.
He woke up.
He opened his eyes.
A hazy darkness floated before his vision.
Beside his ears rang the shrill, chaotic cries of children.
“Don’t be afraid. Nothing happened.”
“Turn around. Walk back. They won’t dare touch you anymore.”
“Did you do something bad?”
“Does this count as something bad? If it does, then I guess I did do something bad but I don’t think it’s bad for you.”
“…Then is it something good?”
“I suppose it is. Whatever.”
You Li struggled, trying with all his strength to truly wake up.
He opened his eyes and discovered that he was standing before a mirror once again. Both hands were braced against the washbasin as he stretched himself onto the tips of his toes, reaching as high as he possibly could.
His body swayed precariously.
It looked as though he could fall at any moment.
“We’re so good-looking. I like you.”
“Will you like me too?”
There was clearly nothing inside the mirror.
He blinked.
All he could see was the thick fog of the dream.
He reached out to touch it but his fingertips found nothing at all.
“You’re hurt again? I’ll go find some medicine.”
“…There aren’t any doctors here.”
“Then let me hurt in your place. Let me look at you a little longer.”
“You still haven’t answered me.”
“I like you. I like you.”
He closed his eyes.
He sank into darkness.
His mouth, nose and eyes were all covered.
His ears were sealed off as well.
Even his sense of touch disappeared, shut away from the outside world.
It felt as though he had been locked inside a prison.
Or perhaps…
As though someone was protecting him.
You Li struggled with all his might.
At last, he forced his eyes open.
The familiar ceiling came into view.
The young man lay on a hospital bed, staring blankly at the glaring white fluorescent light overhead as silent tears streamed endlessly down his face.
He was very quiet.
So quiet that not a single sound escaped him.
His thoughts were sluggish and even his awareness of where he was remained frustratingly vague.
What had he just dreamed about?
It seemed…
He had already forgotten.
What was his name?
It felt as though he couldn’t quite remember…
He simply lay there, staring absentmindedly at the ceiling above him without moving a single inch.
A very long time passed.
Yet he remained in exactly the same position.
Then, at last,
It seemed he remembered.
…His name was You Li.
Only then did the young man move ever so slightly.
A puzzled expression crossed his face as he turned to look toward the side of the bed.
Someone was lying there with their head resting beside his bedside.
He looked at the person for a brief moment.
Then he quietly turned his gaze away again, returning to the same motionless posture as before.
The tears on his face had already dried.
Yet You Li couldn’t understand why he had wanted to cry.
His body seemed unbearably sorrowful.
But his emotions had completely detached themselves from him, as though they no longer belonged to him at all.
He didn’t want to do anything.
He didn’t want to move.
He only wanted to keep lying there.
Forever.
For all eternity.
The slight movement he made caught the attention of the person beside him.
The person seemed to stand up and reach for something.
But You Li had no desire whatsoever to know what they were doing.
The only thing he could feel was the rim of a cup gently pressing against his lips.
“Take your medicine.”
He was lifted into someone’s arms.
You Li obediently swallowed whatever he was given.
One pill.
Two sips of water.
He quietly drank the entire glass without the slightest complaint. As soon as he finished taking his medicine, drowsiness began to wash over him once again.
The person holding him tried to loosen their embrace so they could put the empty glass away.
You Li reached out and grabbed hold of the black suit jacket.
His fingers only managed to curl around the knuckle adorned with the gold ring.
He leaned closer, pressing against it before burying his face deep into the other’s chest.
Then he began to cry.
Silently.
Without making a single sound.
Even he himself couldn’t explain why he was crying.
The person holding him went from awkward and unfamiliar…
To gradually becoming practiced.
In the end, they slowly began stroking his back with gentle, rhythmic motions.
No one knew how much time had passed.
Eventually…
You Li fell asleep again.
Not long afterward, the ward door was pushed open.
The doctor walked inside.
“Did he take his medicine?”
The moment he took in the scene before him, his brows knitted tightly together.
“Didn’t I tell you not to let him sleep?”
The Clown raised both hands, looking as though the matter had absolutely nothing to do with him.
With nothing more than a glance, he indicated the sleeping You Li in his arms.
Even in his sleep, You Li continued clinging tightly to him, his arms wrapped securely around the Clown’s neck like a koala hanging from a tree.
The Clown spread his hands helplessly.
“What exactly do you expect me to do?”
The doctor’s voice turned cold.
“Wake him up.”
The Clown covered You Li’s ears, making sure the noise wouldn’t wake him.
“Shh, “
The doctor’s tone became even colder.
“He’s already been asleep for two whole days.”
The Clown, a man entirely devoid of principles or bottom lines, answered without hesitation.
“If he wants to sleep, then let him sleep. It’s not like we’re short on time.”
The doctor tolerated no compromise whatsoever.
“I’ve warned you repeatedly. He has to begin rehabilitation today.”
The Clown casually gestured with one hand.
“I’ll do my best.”
Only after confirming that the Clown had indeed begun trying to wake You Li did the doctor finally leave.
You Li had almost no sense of security.
The moment he was pulled out of his deep sleep, he clung even more tightly to the person holding him.
Then he began sulking again.
The Clown deliberately hardened his tone.
“What are you crying for this time?”
You Li’s eyelashes were damp with tears.
He took the initiative to lean against the Clown’s icy mask.
“…I’m sleepy.”
“I want to sleep.”
The Clown fell silent.
Three seconds later,
“Then sleep for another half an hour?”
“…Will you stay with me?”
The Clown stayed beside him.
Half an hour passed.
Then another half hour.
Time continued slipping away until half the day had gone by.
Only when it was time for You Li to take his second dose of medicine did he finally wake again.
He finished eating.
He finished taking his medicine.
And almost immediately, another overwhelming wave of drowsiness overtook him.
After considerable coaxing, You Li was finally persuaded to get out of bed.
He managed to stand.
But he refused to take even a single additional step.
“…Scared.”
“I’m scared…”
He repeated those few words over and over again.
The Clown asked,
“What are you afraid of?”
You Li answered,
“It’ll hurt.”
“It’ll hurt a lot… really, really badly.”
He thought about it with complete seriousness before saying,
“My leg is sick.”
“I can’t walk.”
“If I walk, I’ll die.”
The Clown was silent for a moment.
“You won’t.”
“You won’t die.”
You Li asked quietly,
“Will you protect me?”
The Clown paused briefly.
“As long as you’re by my side, I will.”
You Li reached out and gently wrapped both hands around the one wearing the gold ring.
“We’re married.”
“Weren’t we supposed to stay together forever?”
The Clown lowered himself slightly.
The smiling portion carved into his mask lightly brushed against the back of You Li’s hand.
Closing his eyes, he answered softly,
“Yes.”
“We were always meant to stay together.”
He slowly crouched down.
Then he looked at You Li’s legs.
His cold fingertips measured them inch by inch, tracing slowly downward.
They hadn’t dressed You Li in hospital trousers.
The young man’s legs were long and straight.
Having gone so long without walking, they had become somewhat unnaturally pale and slender.
Faint blue veins could be seen beneath the skin around his ankles.
They were beautifully proportioned.
Graceful.
Standing like this caused the tiny mole hidden on the inside of his thigh to become faintly visible, revealing just enough to peek out from concealment.
“Your leg isn’t sick.”
“It’s perfectly fine.”
“Is it your leg that’s afraid?”
“Or is it you who’s afraid?”
You Li couldn’t actually feel fear.
He thought he should probably be afraid.
After all, his legs were trembling.
He couldn’t tell whether they trembled because he feared walking…
Or because he feared the chilling presence standing so close before him.
The Clown was very close.
So close that the icy surface of his mask nearly brushed against the flesh of You Li’s leg.
You Li thought for a very long time.
Thinking had become an incredibly difficult task for him now.
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t understand.
“…I don’t know.”
He gently placed a hand over his own heart.
Looking into empty space ahead of him, he murmured to himself,
“It feels like…”
“There’s a hole here.”
“It’s completely empty.”
“So I don’t know.”
The gold ring resting at the base of the Clown’s finger was as cold as his hand itself.
Not the slightest trace of human warmth lingered upon it.
Yet the solid circle of metal pressed unmistakably against his skin.
Like a branding iron.
You Li wanted to pull away.
But in reality, he couldn’t produce any meaningful reaction at all.
He merely lowered his head sluggishly and stared.
The Clown asked,
“So…”
“Is it your heart that’s afraid?”
You Li’s thoughts moved painfully slowly.
After thinking for what felt like an eternity, he still couldn’t understand the logic behind those words.
In the end, he simply accepted them.
Following along obediently, he answered,
“It’s afraid.”
The Clown slowly rubbed against him.
“It belongs to me.”
You Li looked confused.
“…Isn’t it my leg?”
The Clown’s very next sentence was,
“You belong to me too.”
He raised his eyes slightly.
From below, he looked upward, drawing every part of You Li into his gaze.
You Li lowered his head.
Their eyes met through the openings behind the mask.
One stood above.
The other crouched below.
Yet their gazes carried an eerie, inexplicable familiarity.
The Clown seemed to be smiling.
The last note of his voice lifted gently, carrying an oddly soft, almost unnatural cadence.
“Baby…”
“Don’t find it strange.”
“I’m yours too.”
You Li looked into his eyes.
Somehow…
He believed him.
The cold mask pressed firmly against the flesh of You Li’s leg.
The slightly raised crack carved into the mask gently brushed against the tiny pale mole hidden on his inner thigh, placing a feather-light kiss upon it.
“I think it’s perfectly healthy.”
“It isn’t sick.”
“And it isn’t afraid.”
The Clown spoke with the unreasonable certainty of someone twisting logic into truth.
“You should give it a try.”
He stood up.
Then dragged a chair over to the foot of the bed and sat down.
“Use it.”
“Walk over to me.”
The emotions the medication had stripped away from You Li were like something sealed inside a glass jar.
Inside that jar, they trembled with fear.
They screamed.
They ached.
They suffered.
Yet none of it could affect his body in the slightest.
Because of that, his body seemed incapable of sensing the lingering symptoms of post-traumatic stress.
Most importantly…
He accepted that statement with an almost uncanny certainty.
The statement that the two of them were originally meant to be one.
So You Li cautiously tested it.
He took a single step.
The very next second, he staggered awkwardly and caught himself against the hospital bed.
He nearly collapsed onto his knees.
For a brief instant, the Clown made as though to stand.
A moment later, he quietly sat back down.
Moisture began gathering in You Li’s eyes.
They slowly turned red as tears welled up.
The Clown coaxed him gently.
“Good boy.”
“Don’t let your legs go weak.”
You Li pushed himself upright once more.
Again.
And again.
One attempt after another.
“You can do it.”
“You’re doing so well.”
“Just a little farther.”
“Only a little bit more.”
“There are only a few steps left.”
“We’re not crying.”
“Just the last three steps.”
“Take them all in one go.”
“Steady, baby.”
“Walk slowly.”
“Come to me, “
The Clown opened both arms wide, as though welcoming some magnificent treasure into his embrace.
Satisfaction lingered within the smile hidden beneath his voice.
At last, You Li could no longer hold himself up.
His body lurched forward uncontrollably as he fell heavily into the Clown’s arms.
His appearance was thoroughly miserable.
Fresh red bruises covered his legs where he had knocked them again and again just moments earlier.
But…
At least now…
He could walk.
“Did that fall hurt?”
“My wife’s tears are making your husband feel heartbroken.”
“Let me have a look.”
The Clown loosened the tie around his collar as he spoke.
“I’ll put some medicine on it in a moment.”
“Props only treat the symptoms, not the root of the problem.”
“Don’t use anyone else’s things again.”
“Otherwise…”
“I’ll get angry.”
“Mm?”
Suddenly, You Li felt his eyes being covered.
The tie was wrapped over them, plunging his vision into complete darkness.
He stared toward the endless blackness before him.
“…What… props?”
“And the others…”
“They are…”
He tried very hard to think.
He became so absorbed in searching for the answer that he completely forgot to ask why applying medicine required covering his eyes.
You Li continued thinking.
He thought he heard the sound of a door opening.
Or perhaps…
He had only imagined it.
His legs were gently parted by the Clown.
A cool layer of medicinal ointment was carefully spread across his bruises.
He had completely forgotten that the Clown was still holding both of his legs.
Then…
How had he managed to free a hand to apply the medicine?
Separated from the world by nothing more than a strip of fabric tied across his eyes, You Li stared blankly into the darkness before him.
Tentatively, he leaned forward on his own initiative, rubbing his cheek softly against the shoulder and neck of the person standing in front of him.
In a quiet voice, he murmured,
“It doesn’t really hurt.”
“…Don’t be angry.”
✦ ✧ ✦
Nycreth
[Translator]
☕ A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE TRANSLATOR
Congratulations. You survived the chapter. Now survive the coffee request. 😈
☕ BUY THEM A COFFEE →
✧ (づ｡•ㅅ•｡)づ ☕ ✧
✦ thank you for reading ✦
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ChaptersChapter 1 · I have amnesia (1)Chapter 2 · I have amnesia (2)Chapter 3 · I have amnesia (3)Chapter 4 · I have amnesia (4)Chapter 5 · I have amnesia (5)Chapter 6 · I have amnesia (6)Chapter 7 · I have amnesia (7)Chapter 8 · I have amnesia (8)Chapter 9 · I have amnesia (9)Chapter 10 · I have amnesia (10)Chapter 11 · I have amnesia (11)Chapter 12 · I have amnesia (12)Chapter 13 · I have amnesia (14)Chapter 14 · I have amnesia (14)Chapter 15 · I have amnesia (15)Chapter 16 · I have amnesia (16)Chapter 17 · I have amnesia (17)Chapter 18 · I have amnesia (18)Chapter 19 · I have amnesia (19)Chapter 20 · I have amnesia (20)Chapter 21 · I have amnesia (21)Chapter 22 · I have amnesia (22)Chapter 23 · I have amnesia (23)Chapter 24 · I have amnesia (24)Chapter 25 · I have amnesia (25)Chapter 26 · I have amnesia (26)Chapter 27 · I have amnesia (27)Chapter 28 · I have amnesia (28)Chapter 29 · Desert Highway (1)Chapter 30 · Desert Highway (2)Chapter 31 · Desert Highway (3)Chapter 32 · Desert Highway (4)Chapter 33 · Desert Highway (5)Chapter 34 · Desert Highway (6)Chapter 35 · Desert Highway (7)Chapter 36 · Desert Highway (8)Chapter 37 · Desert Highway (9)Chapter 38 · Desert Highway (10)Chapter 39 · Desert Highway (11)Chapter 40 · Desert Highway (12)Chapter 41 · Desert Highway (13)Chapter 42 · Desert Highway (14)Chapter 43 · Desert Highway (15)