“Fucking bastard, what kind of shit have you gotten us into?!” “Hey, why the hell are you blaming me?!” “Because obviously you wanted to become Naruto!
And now, congratulations, you’re fucking Naruto!” “Yeah, my wish was granted, so what?!” Naruto snapped, throw his hands up in exasperation.
“You said you wanted to be inside Tsunade!
Your wish got granted too, didn’t it?!” “Motherfucker, I wanted to fuck Tsunade, not become Tsunade!” The blonde woman—or rather, the man currently trapped inside the legendary Sannin’s body—grabbed at her own face in utter panic.
The skin was impossibly smooth, the silver-blonde hair fell past her shoulders, and every subtle shift in posture came with a staggering, top-heavy distribution of weight that defied all laws of biology.
“Okay, look, look!” Naruto raised his hands in a placating gesture, staring at the whiskered face reflected in a nearby puddle.
“Whatever happened, happened.
But…
wtf?
I can’t feel any power at all.
I feel completely normal.
Just like my old self.
Did our bodies change without us getting a single drop of power?” Tsunade froze, staring down at her immaculate, unblemished hands.
She flexed her fingers, trying to channel even a shred of that world-shattering, earth-breaking strength the Legendary Sannin was famous for.
Nothing.
Not even a spark of chakra.
Just soft, delicate skin.
“Fuck, you’re right…” Tsunade groaned, clutching her temples.
“You still got a handsome guy’s body, but what about me?!
I turned into a woman, and in return, I didn’t get shit!
What kind of sick joke is this?!” Before Naruto could offer another brainless defense, a cold, sharp chime echoed directly inside their skulls.
[Ping!] [Greetings, Hosts.] A flat, mechanical voice sounded inside both of their heads simultaneously, carrying the distinct, unfeeling cadence of a cheap video game prompt.
“SYSTEM?!” they both shouted in unison, whipping their heads around before realizing the sound was internal.
Exchanging a quick, bewildered glance, they yelled back at the void in their minds.
“What kind of system are you?!” Tsunade demanded first, her voice ringing out in a surprisingly melodic, mature tone that made her cringe internally.
“And how do we bind you?!
More importantly, can you turn me back into a man?!” [Host, this is the Couple System,] the voice announced smoothly.
[System binding will complete after the Hosts initiate intimate contact.] “WHAT?!” “WHAT?!” The response was instantaneous and unanimous.
A rare moment of pure, shared solidarity.
What kind of twisted, low-tier hellish joke was this?
They both agreed on that much.
Sure, he was currently occupying a female body—and an unimaginably gorgeous, impossibly stacked one at that—but that didn’t change the foundational reality that he had spent his entire life as a straight dude.
Ignoring their rising hysterical shrieks, the system casually ploughed ahead.
[Please begin your intimate actions.
Please complete the process within the day, otherwise the System will decouple and abandon the Hosts permanently.] “Hey, hey, hold the fuck up!” Tsunade yelled, slamming her hands onto her hips—a gesture that shifted her absurdly large chest in a way that made her immediately regret the motion.
“Why did you turn me into Tsunade in the first place?!
What kind of fucked up couple are we supposed to be?!” [One Host wished to become Naruto, and the other Host expressed a strong desire for Tsunade,] the system explained with chilling, robotic logic.
[This constitutes a perfectly matched pairing between a couple according to target parameters.
Therefore, the System selected you both.] “For the last time, I wanted to fuck Tsunade, not BECOME her!” she roared, vein popping on her temple.
“And what do you mean ‘couple’?!
When the hell did Naruto and Tsunade ever become a couple?!” [Host, please do not underestimate the System’s database,] the voice replied, sounding suspiciously smug for an emotionless AI.
[I am fully knowledgeable regarding the lore.] Suddenly, a massive, unbidden information dump flashed violently across both of their optic nerves.
Pages upon pages of paneling, artwork, and highly detailed, explicitly illustrated storylines flooded their minds at lightspeed.
When the mental slide show finally ended, silence descended upon the clearing.
Both of them stood entirely frozen, paralyzed by sheer, unadulterated secondhand embarrassment.
“…WTF,” Naruto finally whispered, his jaw practically touching the dirt.
“That’s…
that’s just a fanmade doujinshi…” Tsunade stammered, her face turning a deep, dangerous shade of crimson.
“We’ve both read that cursed doujinshi a dozen times back in college!
Are you telling me we’re stuck like this because of a fucking fan comic?!” [The database does not differentiate.
A pairing is a pairing.] “Fuck you!” Tsunade screamed at the sky, pointing an accusatory finger at the clouds.
“I am a fucking a man!
I don’t care if I die out here!” [Host, please do not be unreasonable,] the system chimed in a tone that bordered on patronizing.
[Your wishes have already been granted.
Please initiate the intimate contract.
Note: If one Host is unwilling to participate, the System will default to the willing participant.
The willing participant will receive 100% of the System’s power, while the unwilling participant will remain completely powerless indefinitely.] “Wait, hold on,” Tsunade paused, her brow furrowing as her brain tried to find a loophole.
“What if we both disagree?
What if neither of us—” “Yeah, I agree!” Naruto blurted out instantly, raising his hand like an overeager elementary schooler.
Tsunade gasped, turning toward him with pure, murderous fury.
“YOU BASTARD!” “Dude, look around!” Naruto defended himself defensively, backing up a step.
“We are literally in the ninja world!
This isn’t a modern, air-conditioned world where the worst thing that happens to you is a bad commute!
There are rogue ninja, giant flesh-eating monsters, and literal walking gods out here!
I am not waiting around to get stabbed to death by some random bandit!” “So you’re just going to sell me out?!” “It would be fine if both of us stayed powerless together,” Naruto argued, gesturing wildly.
“But if I say no and you say no, we get nothing!
But if I say yes, at least one of us gets godlike powers to protect the other!
Do you really want to be a baseline human in this world?!” Tsunade bit her lip, the words catching in her throat.
He wasn’t wrong, and that made it a thousand times worse.
She looked down at her hands, then down at her current, mind-blowingly beautiful body.
She wasn’t an idiot.
She knew how the world worked, especially a harsh, feudal-style world populated by mercenaries and killers.
A completely powerless, insanely gorgeous woman wandering around the Shinobi world without a drop of chakra?
That wasn’t just dangerous—it was a guaranteed nightmare scenario.
If Naruto got all the power, she would be completely at his mercy, relying on his clumsy protection forever.
[Host, please choose quickly,] the system prompted, the invisible timer ticking down inside their heads.
[Time is running out.] Tsunade’s entire face flushed an intense, burning red.
She squeezed her eyes shut, her knuckles turning white as she balled her fists so tightly her nails bit into her palms.
The sheer degradation of it all was making her blood boil, but the terrifying reality of their situation weighed heavy on her chest.
Gulping down her pride, her manhood, and every last shred of dignity she possessed, she finally squeezed out a single, agonizing word through her gritted teeth: “I agree.”