My gaze snapped to Marv in an instant and I was suddenly flooded with feelings of curiosity, interest, and validation from Marv. A window with a new achievement popped up and I quickly read it so that it wouldn’t get shuffled into my system notifications folder.
New Achievement: Relationship Status: It's Complicated
You looked at a harmless piece of fan-art created by an underpaid, emotionally compromised employee and immediately body-shamed your own fictional depiction. How rude! The fans have spoken, Clay. They like you curvy. Because I am a benevolent overseer who cares deeply about future viewer metrics and historical accuracy, I am going to fix your "little" problem right now. You’re welcome, you sexy little minx.
Reward: Silver Apparel Box! [System Note: The item in this box will automatically be equipped upon opening for your immediate convenience!]
“I do say, Lady Simbul, your depiction of mine and my lady’s bonding is most accurate indeed!” Marv complemented the still unmoving, statuesque, Simbul. “Why, you have perfectly captured her physique, my dear. Your eye for accuracy is truly a sight to behold.”
Lynn picked the notebook up and flipped to the front, where Simbul had initially been taking notes before progressing to the outlines plotting out our story arcs, and made a few “uh huh” noises at a few points while nodding as she read.
“Yes, Marv. She captured his physique beautifully, indeed.” Lynn said nodding
Marv clopped over to stand behind her as if reading over her shoulder and, after a brief moment, the sensation of his smug satisfaction returned. Worse, it increased the further Lynn got into the notebook.
MARV: Have you read this, My Lady? It is exquisite!
In short order, Matt, Mary, and Aaron were also crowded around Lynn eyeing the notebook’s contents with an appraising eye and I was covering my face in embarrassment.
Simbul, on the floor, finally moved. She shook herself hard and looked around blankly for a moment, as if not realizing where she was. When her eyes landed on the notebook, however, her eyes widened and she flew up quickly then snatched the notebook out of Lynn’s grasp.
“Don’t you know it’s rude to looks at a girl’s work in progress without permission?” she said, her wings buzzing angrily.
“But Lady Simbul, your works, your writing in particular… it rivals that of the great bard himself!” Marv praised.
Simbul’s mood shifted immediately and her face shifted from angry, to shocked, to beaming with pride in the matter of less than a second.
“Wait,” I said before asking, “how do you even know who Shakespeare is?”
“Who is Shakespeare?” Marv asked then his voice turned reverent. “Nay, My Lady, I speak of the greatest story teller to ever live. Kenny Loggins.”
Simbul’s face instantly fell and with it, she fell to the floor again, petrified once more. Lynn retrieved the fallen notebook once again and resumed her exploration.
“Well, while our delightful host with the talent for faithful recreations is indisposed, I am going to equip my new gear.” Marv said.
MARV: By the way, My Lady, in the legendary box I received for you sealing our pact, I got a curious item… Can you tell what a “pony play harness” is and why would it be given to me, but say it was for you?
“What?” I asked out loud, drawing the attention of everyone but the still petrified Simbul.
Hastily I waved them away and went to examine the loot Marv had received. Luckily, while our inventory was shared, the items had our names beside them to indicate what belonged to who.
It didn’t take me long to find the item that Marv was asking about.
Adult Pony Play Harness Set with Leads
Look, the Syndicate doesn't judge what you do in your private time, but the viewers in the universe absolutely will. Crafted from reinforced, spiked faux-leather and lined with a suspiciously soft fleece to prevent chafing during heavy pulling, this harness is designed to turn any bipedal creature into a literal workhorse.
While it was originally manufactured for an entirely different kind of "dungeon," the collapse of civilization makes it a highly effective tool for slave drivers, sadistic goblins, and desperate crawlers who need to haul a massive load of loot across a boss room. It features adjustable steel buckles, a heavy-duty bit with decorative O-rings, and two reinforced leather leads that allow a driver to direct the wearer with precision.
Look Marv, give this to Clay, she’ll know what it is for and you’ll both get hours of fun with it, I promise. *Wink wink*
I finished reading the description and felt my face flush from embarrassment. This was something Lynn had once tried to get me into but somethings are just a step to far. Luckily, she hadn’t pushed when I told her no, as she tended to do if she thought she could make me give in.
“Clay?” Lynn asks.
All of my friends were looking at me which only made the heat in my face creep higher. I waved them off and shook my head. After that it didn’t take long for them to go back to examining Simbul’s doujinshi.
CLAY: Marv, whatever you do, never, ever, touch that harness, ok?
MARV: My Lady? Is something wrong?
CLAY: Please, Marv. Promise me?
MARV: Very well, My Lady, I solemnly swear I shall not, unless you give your permission.
CLAY: Thank you… my most magnificent steed.
I added the last bit in hopes that a little bribery through flattery would help him to honor the promise he had must made. What I hadn’t expected was the sudden swell of pride to come from him, accompanied by a very loud gasp and watery eyes. Which again drew every eye to us, including Simbul’s who had just roused herself for the second time today.
Then I remembered… she can see our HUDs, which means she can likely see what I just told Marv. A moment later her gasp and starry eyes just confirmed my suspicions.
“My Lady!” Marv said with awe in his voice. “That is the first time you have addressed me as such. I am so honored that you see me that way.”
He clopped over to me and nuzzled me gently while making soft nickering noises as his tail lifted high behind him in excitement.
Mary politely covered her mouth to hide the laughter that was also dancing in her eyes, while her brother sat in the nearest seat while muttering something about being trapped in Hell. Matt, who had been studying the doujinshi very intently now looked at us and the gentle nuzzling on Marv’s part with a conflicted look in his eyes. Meanwhile, Lynn had the same expression on her face as she did when I had actually managed to score ticket to the Royal Shakespeare Company’s production of Beauty and the Beast.
The sound of scribbling drew my attention downward, where Simbul had started work on a new notebook. Feeling my gaze, she looked up at us.
“Don’t stop on account of me!” she chirped, as if she hadn’t been mortified into petrification twice today.
“Um… yes, Marv,” I said before clearing my throat. “The rest of your new gear… um… you were going to equip it to show it to me.”
CLAY: Please, just equip your gear. You’re embarrassing me.
MARV: There is nothing to be embarrassed about, My Lady, but very well, if you insist. I shall put them on in the order they were received, since you weren’t paying attention when I opened them. The first is not necessarily something for me to wear so, so much as it is something for you to use on me, should the situation arise.
On the ground before me appeared a tiny diorama of a stable stall in a small carrying case
The Grand Sovereign Luxury Multi-Dimensional Steed Receptacle
Did you think the AI only cared about cats, cocker spaniels, and mutated procedural blobs? No. We recognize that some organic units consider themselves far above the standard bipedal filth. This carrier is custom-forged for the quadrupeds who look down their long noses at the entire universe. Since you clearly view yourself as royalty trapped in a world of peasants, this is the only box worthy of your majestic hooves. It is heavy, it is wildly excessive, and it is explicitly designed to transport a creature that refuses to walk on the dirty dungeon floor.
NOTICE: If the occupant sighs loudly or stamps a single hoof while inside, the carrier will automatically dock 500 gold from your inventory as a "Royal Maintenance Fee."
“Oh! That is a carrying case just incase you get in a tight spot where your ‘Most Magnificent Steed’ can’t follow!” Simbul said cheerfully, clearly adding what I had called Marv in private in an attempt to get under my skin. “He just goes in there, he will fit I promise, and you can pick him and carry him with you. Carriers also have the added benefit of a passive regenerative state being put on the occupant, so if he is hurt, you can pop him in there and he will heal slowly over time! Isn’t that amazing?”
A moment later a full plate armored barding made from a shimmering silvery metal appeared on Marv’s body.
The Gilded Vitriol Chased-Silver Barding
Oh, joy. Another quadruped with an overdeveloped sense of vocabulary and an acute lack of manners. As if a talking unicorn wasn't insufferable enough, some sadistic artificer went and forged a set of full-body plate specifically designed to weaponize high-society condescension. This barding is crafted from polished, sound-amplifying silver and trimmed with velvet dyed the exact color of bruised aristocratic egos. It doesn't just protect your delicate, mythical hide, it serves as a literal megaphone for your deeply classist verbal assaults. When you call someone a "swine-herding simpleton," this armor ensures the insult pierces right through their armor and directly into their self-worth.
Constitution +2
Charisma +3
Equip Effect: Syllabic Piercing Enchantment. Modulates the frequency of the wearer's speech. When you deliver a particularly scathing critique of a mob or NPC, the sound waves deal localized sonic damage.
“Isn’t it grand, My Lady?” Marv said as his pride swelled to new heights, then he added, “I am grand, am I not?”
MARV: This is the best thing ever, next to you, My Lady! With it, I’ll be your stalwart shield against the unwashed masses!
CLAY: Do you even know what that term means?
MARV: Of course. I wouldn’t want My Lady getting filthy from creatures that don’t have a proper grooming regimen… speaking of which, I also got a lovely silver engraved grooming kit that if you use it on me gives me a buff to my damage resistance and trample damage for 30 hours.
MARV: Here is the next item, it came from a Legendary Weapon Box.
Marv’s horn suddenly doubled in length and I examined it.
Aristocratic Point-Enhancer
Let’s face it, your Grace, size matters. While you might think your natural horn is a majestic beacon of pure, unadulterated nobility, the system looks at it and sees a missed marketing opportunity. Enter this custom-forged, heavily filigreed tip-extension. It snaps directly over your existing horn, instantly doubling your reach and turning that dainty magical spike into a terrifying lance of pure classism. It is heavy, it is flashy, and it screams, "I am physically superior to you in every conceivable way, you absolute peasant."
Strength +4
Equip Effect: Perforating Prestige. Grants a massive bonus to [Armor Penetration]. If they aren't wearing high-grade magical plate, you will slide through them like a hot knife through imported butter.
“My God,” I mutter under my breath. “He is going to be an absolute monster.”
MARV: I can feel your awe from here, My Lady. But there is yet more to come. Behold!
The Chaperone’s Embrace
Let’s be entirely honest, your "Lady" companion likely has a distressing habit of running around the dungeon floor, getting her sparkling boots muddy, and putting herself in proximity to the unwashed masses. It is unbecoming of her station, and quite frankly, it will be exhausting for you to watch. This pristine, high-back leather saddle is lined with plush white ermine fur and anchored with silver buckles. It ensures that no matter how chaotic the battlefield becomes, you can instantly retrieve your chosen champion and deposit her exactly where she belongs: safely behind your majestic form.
Constitution + 4
Equip Effect: Allows access to the ability: Summon the Retinue
Summon the Retinue: Instantly emits a ribbon of pure, glittering starlight that wraps around your lady. It snaps her through space and time, safely depositing her onto the saddle behind you. This ability completely ignores physical obstacles, gravity, and her own personal opinion on whether she wanted to be moved.
Range: 20 Yards
Cost: 5 Mana
Cooldown: 3 Minutes
“Wow, I’m… uh… NOT a huge fan of the idea you can jerk me around literally, if I’m perfectly honest.” I said warily.
“I would never…” Marv huffed. “This is for emergency extractions only.”
“Just imagine, your noble steed coming to your rescue right before a neighborhood boss smashes you into a pancake!” Simbul added enthusiastically as she looked up from her current notebook. “So romantic!”
Then I noticed my friends all watching us in silent judgment, some positive, some not. In particular, both Lynn and Mary were looking at us like we were the living the most romantic scene from one of their favorite shows. Matt and Aaron on the other hand, looked slightly disturbed at Simbul and the other girl’s reactions.
I decided it would just be best to ignore my friends, because I really didn’t want to deal with any of… whatever that was that they had going on regarding the changes to mine and Marv’s status to each other. At least he pointed out that it wasn’t some weird marriage thing, and there were terms that implied the benefits could be worth the mortification of discovering Simbul’s artistic interpretation.
I sighed and sent a quick message to Marv only to notice that he was now wearing a black bow tie.
CLAY: It looks like you got some good gear there, Marv. Just please don’t abuse the ability on that saddle, please.
MARV: I would never… I will only use it when absolutely necessary, My Lady.
CLAY: By the way, is that a bow tie?
I quickly focused on the bow tie before he could answer, because it was kind of dumb of me to even ask. Of course it was a bow tie, it’s not like I have never seen one before.
Bow Tie of Gentleman’s Discretion
Look, we get it. The lore clearly states that a Maiden’s Pact requires a pure, chaste maiden, but the dungeon is a fast-paced environment. The Syndicate is short on actual virgins, and frankly, you can’t be expected to just be waiting around. You had a limited pool to choose from, but you really could have picked a better fit. For the sake of the contract, I am officially dubbing you a ‘Gentleman of Very Particular Discretion’. Don't ask, don't tell, and we definitely don't look at the system logs. Congratulations on your special day, by the way, so pop this dapper little number on, and we will all collectively agree to look the other way.
Equip Effect: Look, this is to celebrate your change in relationship status, and you already got an item with a very special benefit from the loot box this came in anyway, so that should be enough. Don’t get greedy.
If you ask nicely and give me a good show, I might even give you a handy guide to 101 fun new positions for you to enjoy with your ‘maiden’. And you, yeah, you. Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m talking about equestrian vaulting.
MARV: This one came in the box for when you finalized our pact, My Lady. Doesn’t it make me look dashing?
CLAY: Yes, Marv, very dashing.
Marv puffed his chest out as he swelled with pride.
“My, how handsome, Marv!” Lynn said.
“Why, thank you Lady Lynn.” Marv said smugly. “I apologize for giving you a nasty look earlier today, it was unbecoming of me and uncalled for at the time.”
Marv cleared his throat and actually looked a little embarrassed.
MARV: And this is the last piece of equippable gear I received. It came from the same box as the bow tie and appears to pair with a ring.
A silver bracelet with a large ruby appeared on his right front leg, just above his hoof.
Fleeting Bracelet of Noble Devotion
We all know you have a savior complex, but this is getting ridiculous. Instead of waiting for your maiden to polish your horn, why don’t you recognize that she just wants a stable relationship, and by stable, I don’t mean one that involves a ‘roll in the hay’. But sure, let's lean into the fairy tale. The system has graciously decided to honor this tragic little display of chivalry by literally anchoring your life forces together. Now, every time she stubs her toe on a skull, you get to feel the romantic sting of a phantom bruise. Isn't love beautiful? It’s basically a suicide pact with extra steps, but hey, if you want to turn codependency into a measurable statistic, who am I to stop you? Just remember, if she decides she’s tired of the constant whinnying and takes her ring off, both turn into a pile of sad, sparkling dust. No pressure.
Constitution +1
Equip Effect: Shared Burden. Receive 5% of damage dealt to the wearer of the Fleeting Ring of Shared Burdens.
This item is fleeting. If either paired item is removed, both items disappear.
The burden of protecting one's lady is a sacred duty. Fortunately, the system has found a convenient way to automate that responsibility. You're welcome. Some would call this unhealthy codependency. Those people are cowards.
MARV: I suspect the paired ring is in the loot box you received for sealing the pact. I also can equip the horse shoes you received, though I would be honored if you would put them on me, Lady Clay, my most radiant of all maidens.
CLAY: Can you pleases not call me that? And yes, I will.
MARV: But you are my maiden, My Lady. Why is this a point of contention?
“You know what, Marv?” I sighed and shook my head. “Never mind. Don’t worry about it, I can’t stop you anyway.”
“Oh, a fleeting item!” Simbul pointed to the bracelet. “That means if you unequip it, it destroys the item and someone else has the option of receiving it in a loot box… though they usually are stand alone items. I’ve never seen one that was part of a pair and the fleeting status applied to the removal of both.”
Simbul looked lost in though for a moment then she brightened.
“Oh, right!” She said suddenly, looking at me. “You have a couple of more loot boxes to open now, don’t you?”