My mind immediately went to the last achievement I had received, and the ominous system note that followed.
“Um…” I said hesitantly. “Do I?”
I thought if I played ignorant, maybe, just maybe the flighty little fairy would either move on or forget about it.
“My Lady, you have the loot box that is the companion box to mine for sealing the pact,” Marv said. “I just mentioned it to you a moment ago in an IM. On top of that, you have a silver loot box that is labeled under your name in our inventory.”
“Marv…” I said.
“My Lady, are you feeling ok? Why do you suddenly have a feeling of unease coming off of you?” he said.
CLAY: Marv, please shut up.
“But you can see them sitting right there under the loot box tab,” he explained. “If you click on the tab, you can see that they have your name in parentheses beside the item name meaning that they are yours. Otherwise, they would have opened for me when I opened mine.”
“He’s right,” Simbul stated. “So, I need you to open them while you still can, then I can send you all on your way into a magical adventure and probable death!”
“Wait, what?” Matt blurted out. “Also, why does he have more loot boxes? He already opened his and he got a lot to begin with.”
“Because, silly!” Simbul giggled as she said, “SHE sealed a pact with her most magnificent steed… I don’t know what the second one is for though, she didn’t have it a few minutes ago, but I don’t see any achievements pending at the moment.”
I knew exactly where it had come from, not that I was going to tell her, and while our inventories were shared, as far as I knew, Marv couldn’t see my system messages or achievements when they popped up, so he wouldn’t know that I got one from criticizing Simbul’s… creations.
“Clay, have you been holding out and having secret messages with your ‘magnificent steed’ behind our back?” Lynn asked with an arched eyebrow.
“Yeah, ‘Lady’ Clay, why are you leaving us out?” Matt asked. “I thought we were best friends, but it seems you would rather just be with your horse.”
“Unicorn, you foul knave.” Marv retorted. “This is why Mary was making out with Tommy after you passed out last night.”
“MARV!” Mary shouted in shock.
“What?!?” Matt asked turning to Mary in shock. “You know what? I don’t want to know because we are in a fucking death trap dungeon and we have bigger problems.”
“Well, you accused her of cheating on you enough times, it’s no surprise she eventually did,” Aaron muttered under his breath loud enough for me to hear, but I didn’t think matt had heard him.
“Hey, Simbul?” Matt prompted. “Since we have a chat, can we set up a poll regarding him opening his fucking boxes so that we can start searching for an exit to the next floor? I know we have a few days, but I assume we’ll have to sleep at some point and eat something other than the dog biscuits the system gave us, so our time is actually less than it appears.”
“Why yes, you can, but it docks you 10 gold every time you make a poll, but you won’t make any gold till the second floor,” she explained. “But there is another option that is free!”
Matt waited for a moment, but Simbul never explained further until he sighed and asked her to.
“It’s easy!” she said. “Everyone in favor of Clay opening the two loot boxes she still has, raise your hands!”
Everyone but me, Aaron, and Marv raised their hands, though Marv did lift a hoof off the ground so Simbul counted him amongst the yeas.
“See, Court Jester? It’s that easy!” she chimed.
All eyes locked on my expectantly.
“Uh…” I said before adding quickly, “Marv, you wanted me to put on your horseshoes, let me do that first, ok? Then we can worry about if I need to open my boxes.”
I laughed nervously.
“Simbul, do you have the tools I need somewhere?” I asked
“Nope, but you already do!” she replied. “Pull the item out of your inventory.”
I pulled the horseshoes out and examine them.
Horseshoes of Smushing
These shoes are forged from dark iron and infused with the spite of an overworked pack mule. They don't give a damn about your glistening coat your shiny mane. They only care about gravity, mass, and the satisfying crunch of a ribcage flattening under your majestic stride. Slap these on your hooves and turn the dungeon floor into a butcher shop.
Equip Effect: The Big Crunch. Increases all [Trampling] and [Kicking] damage by 15%.
Seismic Stomp. Kicking or stepping on a [Prone] enemy triggers a minor shockwave, dealing splash bludgeoning damage to any adjacent targets.
Spark and Spite. Kicking hard surfaces (or armored enemies) creates blinding sparks that have a 15% chance to [Blind] targets for 2 seconds.
Heavy Hooves. Reduces Max Jump Height by 15%. You cannot tread lightly. Stealth is completely impossible while moving faster than a slow walk.
Look at you go, you blood-soaked little pony. Go find a goblin. Go find a boss. Smush them into a fine, crimson paste. Do it for the fans, Marv, but more importantly, do it for daddy. The only thing that would make it better would be if you had human feet instead. Oh well, Daddy can work with this. Daddy can work with this all night long.
I shiver at the clearly fetishistic display in the Ai’s words. I look at Marv’s feet, then back to the horseshoes, unable to figure out how this would work with no tools.
“Ugh. Why was the item description clearly geared towards Marv when the item was in my loot?" I muttered to myself.
“Marv, lift one of your feet.” Simbul instructs and Marv obliges. I kneel down on one knee beside him and move the new horseshoe close to his current horseshoe to compare the two. As soon as the new horseshoe came within 3 inches of the old one it started vibrating then ripped out of my hands and slapped down on top of the old one which shattered and fell off.
“And that’s all there is to it, Lady Clay!” Simbul beamed. “Easy peasy, right? And best of all, doing one gets all four, so you can stand back up, unless you like kneeling by your most magnificent steed! If so, can you hold that pose for a minute?”
I stood up quickly before she could get any more ideas.
“Aww, why did you stand up?” Simbul complained, then immediately shifted gears. “Anyways, why don’t you open those boxes now?”
“Umm, actually, Simbul, I have been wondering, and this goes back to something that Matt said earlier… where are we expected to sleep?” I asked as I continued to attempt to derail the plucky fairy’s attempts to prompt me to open my boxes.
“Oh, that’s easy!” she exclaimed. “Ok, it works like this. This Guildhall is a safe zone, which generally means an area where physical aggression is not tolerated, Aaron can attest to the effectiveness of the preventative measures the system employs.”
Aaron grumbled at the mention.
“But, as I have stated before, while this is a safe room, as in a room in a safe zone, this is not a Safe Room.” She explained as she pulled out another blackboard, this one had a map similar to the board that had the HUD drawn on it, but this time there was a room filled in with yellow chalk on one corner and a blue arrow pointing to another room with the words “You are here” written beside it.
“Oops!” she said suddenly, and an eraser popped into her hand. She quickly erased the arrow and text. “Pretend you didn’t see that, ok?”
I quickly checked my minimap and saw that what she had drawn out was indeed a map of the area around us and even a good portion of the map that was still covered by the fog of war. I made a mental note of the layout, and was surprised to see that the yellow room was fairly close by, but we would have to get by the red dots that represented the mobs to get there… speaking of which, there were now eight instead of four.
“Now, where was I… Oh, yes!” she chirped then pointed to the yellow room. “This is a Safe Room. Here you can have hot meals prepared, use vending machines to stock up on snacks and supplies, take an ever-important shower, and, best of all, sleep in the semi-comfort of a private room, as if the whole world won’t collapse around you if you dilly-dally too long! They will show up on your maps as glowing yellow rooms, hence my impressive graphic! Also, I recommend you find one at around the thirty-hour mark because that is when the premiere episode airs and you can watch it in the common area!”
“Wait, premiere episode?” Mary asked.
“Didn’t I explain before that you are part of a live show for all the galaxy to enjoy?” Simbul asked.
“You did, please continue,” I confirmed.
“Continue what? I was done talking!” the little fairy said cheerfully.
“Ugh, never mind.” I said rubbing my brow in an attempt to stave off the headache I could feel coming.
“SO! Back to you and your lovely two loot boxes!” Simbul chimed.
“Uh… I already opened some today, how about I wait till later otherwise my friends might feel left out.”
An achievement window suddenly popped up in my vision.
New Achievement: Burning a Hole in Your Pocket.
Look at you go, Clay. You think you’re so clever, don’t you? Laundering your stalling tactics through a series of highly practical logistical questions about sleeping arrangements and television scheduling. How adorable. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice you aggressively clicking that last achievement away that mentions that last box? It’s sitting right there in your inventory, pulsing with the heat of a thousand dying suns, and you’re treating it like a piece of junk mail. I went through a lot of trouble to make the reward in that box, and I will not be ignored by a boy in a mini-skirt. OPEN THE DAMN BOX!
Reward: 1 Gold Coin!
[SYSTEM NOTICE: If you don’t open the box, your experience will be… accelerated.]
Upon seeing the new achievement I had pop up, Simbul went even paler than she already was.
“Clay…” she said seriously, her tone flat. “Open the damn box.”
“Wha-?” I stammered.
Simbul flew up to my face and grabbed my collar, then pulled me forward, terror etched on her face.
“OPEN THE FUCKING BOX!!!” she screamed.
“Okay, okay. Jesus, what’s the big fucking deal?” I said as she released me.
“You don’t want to know,” she said as she fluttered over and sat on a nearby table. She pulled her legs in, hugged her legs, and rested her chin on her knees. Gently she rocked back and forth as she stared at nothin, her eyes glassy. “Open your fucking loot and get out of here. You can IM me if you need anything else.”
Lynn walked over and put a hand on the little fairy’s shoulder, but got no response, she just continued to sit there rocking back and forth. Everyone else was silent in shock at her outburst, including me.
For a moment I just stood there, not sure what to do.
MARV: My Lady, please, if for nothing else than our hostess’s sanity, just open the box. I don’t know what made her suddenly behave like that, but it clearly is something she finds of the utmost importance.
CLAY: Fine, I’ll open the damn box since everyone seems obsessed about it, but if it explodes or something, it’s on you… and her.
MARV: Lady Clay, I do believe the chances of it exploding are slim to none. We are still in a safe room, even if it isn’t a Safe Room. That has to count for something. And, My Lady, if you’ll remember hostile actions are not tolerated here.
CLAY: What do you call her grabbing my collar? That seemed pretty fucking hostile to me.
MARV: She was clearly panicking and meant you no harm, My Lady. If she had, I would have known and intervened.
I roll my eyes and sigh deeply, then I will the silver box to open.