Aaron moved. It happened so suddenly that all of us flinched. One second, he was frozen in place glaring at Simbul with murder in his eyes, the next he stumbled forward half a step and nearly fell over as the glowing Naughty hovering above his head vanished.
Aaron blinked rapidly, then rubbed his face sheepishly, making it a point not to look at any of us.
“…I still think she deserved it,” he muttered.
Simbul gasped in offense from where she sat perched-not-perched on my shoulder.
“I was helping!” she said with a huff.
“You made me drink liquified regret.” Aaron replied as he stared at her flatly.
“That is a clinically inaccurate description of healing potion flavor!” Simbul responded, her voice indignant.
“It tasted like carbonated blood and cough syrup,” he muttered.
“Yes,” Simbul admitted cheerfully. “But look how much less bleeding you were doing afterward!”
Aaron opened his mouth then paused and noticed Marv.
Silence filled the room.
“…Why does the horse look like a unicorn?” Aaron asked as he slowly lowered his hands.
Marv looked toward him calmly.
“Good sir, I find that to be an extraordinarily rude way to address nobility,” he told Aaron with an expression the resembled the look of someone smelling raw sewage for the first time.
Aaron’s eyes widened in shock and Matt immediately lost it at the look bewilderment on Aaron’s face. Mary covered her mouth trying not to laugh at her brother while Lynn outright failed and doubled over against my arm.
Aaron looked at me.
I looked back.
Then both of us looked at the unicorn.
“…I was in timeout for ONE HOUR,” Aaron said slowly.
“Technically closer to one hour and point oh one seconds,” Simbul corrected helpfully before adding, “due to a slight misalignment to the AI’s internal clock verses actual earth time.”
“When I got frozen, he was livestock.” Aaron said flatly as he pointed at Marv.
Marv’s ears twitched and he replied, “I shall overlook that remark due to your recent emotional hardship, which is more than I would give most commoners.”
“And the horse is condescending now,” Aaron said with a sigh.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected.
Aaron turned toward me again and added, “You know what? No. I’m too tired for this. Explain later.”
“Oh! Right! Important question!” Simbul suddenly said.
Every single one of us visibly tensed, then the fairy pointed dramatically at Marv.
“Did you retain your tutorial information through the transformation process?” she asked.
“Aye, Lady Simbul. I observed the majority of your instructional presentation prior to my temporary… liquefaction.” Marv inclined his head with aristocratic calm.
“So, you were paying attention?” Simbul asked excitedly.
“Naturally,” Marv replied. His gaze drifted slowly toward Matt. “Unlike certain members of the party whose relationship with basic preparedness appears largely theoretical, my dear sir.”
Matt pointed at himself and mouthed “Me?”
“Why am I catching strays from the horse?” he suddenly asked.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected again and Matt groaned loudly.
Simbul floated upward excitedly.
“Oh! Oh! That makes this MUCH easier!” she cheered. “Then we only need to cover the portions you missed while gelatinous!”
“I would greatly appreciate it if we refrained from using that adjective to describe my condition,” Marv said visibly wincing.
“Sorry!” Simbul chirped then she paused for a moment and added “…Mostly.”
“How unfortunate.” Marv sighed with profound disappointment.
I stared at him. The voice coming out of my horse was somehow worse than the horn. Not because it was scary or unnatural, but because he sounded like a Victorian nobleman who was convinced that he was better than everyone else around him and could prove it. And somehow that fit him perfectly.
A system notification suddenly appeared in the center of my vision.
PARTY UPDATE
Party Leader Automatically Assigned
Leader: Magnificent Marv
Silence followed.
“The horse just outranked us automatically?” Matt asked.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected.
“Oh! That means he has the highest numerical total of his base stats in comparison to everyone else in the party!” Simbul said perking up excitedly.
“Wait, base stats?” Aaron asked frowning.
“Equipment bonuses don’t count for leadership designation!” Simbul explained cheerfully. “You can check his and any of your other party members stats through the party menu!”
Slowly, everyone turned toward Marv.
“That seems the only appropriate way for this too have gone.” The unicorn said and he inclined his head with dignified calm.
I brought up the party menu and clicked on an icon featuring Marv wearing a crown.
Strength – 16
Intelligence – 12
Constitution – 14
Dexterity – 3
Charisma – 24
“Jesus!” I exclaimed. “Why are his stats so big?”
Simbul fluttered over and examined him with a critical eye.
“Oh, I see!” she said. “Examine the buff he has.”
I looked around and found a small tab labeled Buffs.
Enhanced Growth
Recipient receives a random stat boost to 4 randomly picked stats. All additional levels gained afterwards will award a +1 to both Strength and Intelligence, as well as a +2 to Charisma. No additional stat points will be awarded per level.
“The horse won character creation,” Matt said pointing accusingly.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected patiently.
“Yes!” Simbul exclaimed. “Basically, he will get four stat points per level to your three, but the trade-off is, he can’t pick where to assign them so the only way to boost his Dexterity and Constitution further is to equip gear… on the other hand, he will benefit from new stat allocation immediately upon leveling whereas you will have to wait till the third floor.”
Marv continued calmly scrolling through the party interface while Simbul explained this to us.
“Hm,” he murmured. “Interesting. The system permits immediate banner and heraldry customization.”
Matt stared.
“The horse is already planning on designing party merch,” he said as he rolled his eyes.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected absently.
“Oh! Oh! That’s huge for viewer engagement!” Simbul said loudly.
“That sentence made me physically ill,” Aaron muttered.
Marv ignored everyone and continued examining the menu.
“Color palettes. Heraldic symbols. Party iconography. Excellent,” he said looking pleased.
“The horse found the branding tab before we found food.” Matt complained.
“Actually, Clay got some crawler biscuits in her loot boxes.” Simbul added helpfully. “They are an important part of a crawler’s balanced diet… Baring that, you could find a safe room and have a meal prepared for you!”
“This is a safe room,” Lynn points out.
“Yes, this IS a safe room, but this isn’t a SAFE ROOM,” the fairy replied with extra emphasis in the term ‘safe room’.
I just shook my head.
I’ll figure all this shit out later. This is too tiring.
“My dear sir,” Marv said smoothly looking Matt dead in the eyes, “presentation is the foundation upon which civilization is built.”
Another notification appeared before all of us as the blank party symbol about our names shimmered and reformed into a silver crescent moon behind a unicorn icon
PARTY VISUAL SETTINGS UPDATED
Leader: Magnificent Marv
Party Name: Illustrious Court of the Radiant Maiden
A faint shimmer passed over everyone’s party icons, then a blank text box appeared beneath each name.
Matt groaned immediately.
Marv’s gaze moved slowly across the party.
“Titles should reflect both capability and disposition.”
“They absolutely should not,” I countered.
“You shall find that morale improves significantly under proper branding,” he added
Matt stared.
“Clay, your horse is talking like a middle manager at a renaissance festival,” he pointed out.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected again.
“I’m starting to think the dungeon is punishing me specifically.” Aaron complained and pinched the bridge of his nose.
Simbul meanwhile had produced a large notebook from somewhere.
“What are you doing?” I asked, pointing at it.
“Merchandising ideas,” she answered immediately with a shine in her eyes.
“That answer raised further questions,” I said.
Marv’s eyes drifted toward Aaron and he addressed him.
“You possess commendable aggression despite your questionable impulse control.”
“I can’t tell if that was a compliment.” Aaron said frowning.
“It was both observation and criticism.” Marv replied.
A title appeared beneath Aaron’s name.
Sword of the Maiden
Aaron blinked.
“What?” He asked confused.
“Oh, it looks like Marv is giving you all titles!” Simbul said. “Don’t worry, they are purely cosmetic and affect nothing other than your self-esteem.”
“You preserve mental stability within the group while under significant distress and sought to care for the one you call sibling,” Marv said as he looked toward Mary next.
Mary looked caught off guard by the sincerity.
“…Thank you?”
Chirurgeon of the Maiden
“That’s… actually kind of sweet.” Mary commented as she smiled faintly
“Competence should be acknowledged.” Marv said inclining his head. Then he looked at Matt and sighed.
“Oh, this is going to be bad. I can feel it,” Matt said.
Marv regarded him with calm disappointment.
“You survive primarily through volume, recklessness, and what I can only assume is divine administrative oversight.”
Matt stared.
“That’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Matt said, looking slightly wounded.
“It was not intended as an insult,” Marv replied curtly.
Jester
Matt looked at the title in disbelief.
“Seriously?” he asked.
“Indeed.” Marv replied then looked toward Lynn, his expression softening slightly.
“You calm our Lady effectively,” he stated, then added, “and sooth her emotional trauma in times of need.”
“Oh no,” I whispered and Lynn visibly brightened at the praise.
Heart Keeper of the Maiden
“Aww,” Lynn said happily. “I like mine.”
“This is all a nightmare,” I muttered.
Finally, Marv turned toward me.
Everyone in the room collectively tensed expectantly and Simbul quietly flipped to a fresh notebook page, continuing to scribble away.
I pointed at her immediately.
“Stop encouraging him,” I said
“I’m encouraging destiny,” she corrected, then added, “and that includes you.”
She held her thumb up and closed one eye as she looked at us, as if measuring, then she returned to her scribbling.
“That sentence should never exist,” I muttered
Marv stepped closer, the soft golden glow from his horn brightened slightly.
“My Lady,” he said smoothly, “your designation is self-evident.”
“No.”
“You are the central figure around which this party coheres.”
“No.”
“The heart of the covenant.”
“No.”
“My precious maiden—”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
Simbul made a tiny squealing sound and started writing even faster. Matt practically folded in half laughing as Mary covered her face, a deep blush spreading. Aaron stared at the ceiling like a man begging the universe for patience and Lynn looked seconds away from dying.
Marv regarded me calmly for several long seconds.
Then, to my immense relief, he inclined his head slightly.
“As you wish, My Lady,” he said with dignified patience.
Relief flooded through me, then a brief moment later a title popped up.
Radiant Maiden
I sighed in defeat and let my shoulders droop.
Marv went back to calmly scrolling through the party interface while the weight of his attack on me settled in... then it hit me, I could see part of his interface.
"How-" I started to ask only to be interrupted by Marv.
“Hm. Banner customization appears remarkably robust,” he remarked suddenly.
Another series of notifications appeared before me.
Party Banner Registered
Party Icon Registered
Bonding Pairing Detected
Additional Cosmetic Features Unlocked
Simbul gasped so hard she nearly inhaled herself.
I narrowed my eyes immediately.
“What does that mean?” I asked
The fairy stared at the notification with the reverence of a scholar witnessing divine revelation.
“There are matching cosmetic options now,” she said innocently.
“Not that. The bonding pair detected notification,” I said angrily.
She didn’t reply, then Matt began laughing again.
“No. No way,” I protested.
Marv looked with interest at something only he could see.
“Hm,” he muttered.
“No,” I said instantly.
“Hm,” Marv repeated thoughtfully.
“Stop ‘hm’ing, Marv!” I fumed.
The unicorn calmly ignored me and opened the new menu.
A soft shimmer passed over the party emblem floating above our names and titles.
The silver crescent moon behind the unicorn icon brightened slightly, then six smaller decorative stars appeared around it. Then two of them turned gold and joined, touching at their closest tips.
I stared upward in horror.
“Why are two of the stars glowing and touching?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
“Ohmygodthat’syou!” Simbul replied quickly as she visibly vibrated.
“It’s pair-marked heraldry!” she squealed. “The bonding members have received a designation highlight!”
“The dungeon has relationship status cosmetics.” Aaron said, his voice filled with exhaustion.
“The dungeon has merchandising opportunities,” Simbul corrected, then resumed scribbling whatever it was in her notebook.
“That sentence somehow made it worse,” he pointed out.
“The gold accent improves visual balance significantly.” Marv commented as he examined the banner critically
“You are not helping, Marv.” I replied.
“You continue saying that despite all evidence to the contrary.”
“Dude, the horse made you a decorative UI element.” Matt said.
“UNICORN.” Marv corrected loudly.
Mary finally lowered her hands from her face enough to speak again.
“You know, the really horrifying part is that he genuinely thinks he’s helping,” she stated.
“Because I am.” Marv said matter-of-factly.
“You tried to trick me into magical unicorn marriage!” I pointed out.
Marv blinked once.
“My Lady, marriage and maidenhood are entirely separate institutions.” He said, way too calmly.
Matt actually hit the floor; he was laughing so hard. Lynn made a choking noise and I was afraid she might actually need help. Mary physically turned away trying to hide her laughing. Aaron leaned against the wall like his soul had left his body.
The I noticed Simbul was no longer writing, she was drawing.
“I’m going to die,” I whispered.
Marv stepped closer again.
“You remain precious to me regardless of if you decide to formally seal our pact or not,” he said in all seriousness.
Then Matt made the single loudest wheezing sound I had ever heard from another human being.
“Oh my god,” Lynn gasped between laughs. “He’s sincere.”
“That is generally how honesty functions,” Marv replied. For just a second, he looked less like some impossible magical creature and more like the same stubborn horse I had raised since he was small enough to fit his head beneath my arm.
Still Marv.
Despite myself, some of the tension left my shoulders.
“…Yeah, yeah,” I muttered.
Without really thinking about it, I reached up and rubbed the base of his glowing horn in the same sign of affection I had always used for him before he had it.
The reaction was immediate. Golden light exploded outward and notifications flooded my vision for a moment before being shuffled to my system notifications folder.
“SHE DID IT!” Simbul screamed.
I jerked my hand backward.
“What did I do?!” I asked.
Marv straightened proudly and looked entirely too smug.
“My Lady, the pact has been sealed.” He said as he bowed his head to me.
Silence filled the room
Then another notification appeared.
UNICORN/MAIDEN CONTRACT ESTABLISHED
Primary Bond Confirmed
Shared Inventory Access Enabled
Passive Emotional Awareness Enabled
Minor Stat Synchronization Enabled
Magical Affinity Compatibility Increased
Designation Registered: Precious Maiden
Please, check your notifications for a very special loot box, Lover.
I stared at the notification in absolute horror.
“…No.” I said in disbelief.
Matt, who had only just managed to stand back up collapsed against the wall as he laughed so hard that he slid halfway to the floor again. Aaron covered his face in embarrassment for me and his sister turned in the opposite direction so not to look at us. Lynn was crying from laughing so hard.
Isn’t it nice that friends can take such delight in one’s misery?
Simbul’s drawing sped up to a frantic pace.
“Oh my god,” she whispered emotionally. “It’s canon now.”
“You absolutely knew what that would do.” I said, pointing accusingly at Marv.
“Of course,” Marv replied calmly.
“You tricked me!”
“My Lady,” he said smoothly, “I merely allowed events to progress naturally.”
“That is aristocrat talk for manipulation, you know.” Aaron muttered.
Marv ignored him entirely, instead, he looked strangely pleased with himself.
Simbul was now openly crying from happiness. Tiny glowing tears drifted through the air around her like glittering emotional shrapnel.
“It’s so PEAK,” she sobbed into her notebook.
“I hate this dungeon,” I repeated weakly.
Marv, meanwhile, appeared immensely satisfied with himself.
“As you should not,” he said calmly. “The arrangement is highly prestigious.”
Matt pointed at him from where he was still recovering against the wall.
“You keep saying that like it helps.” He said in wheezing gasps.
“It should,” Marv replied seriously.
“It really doesn’t.”
The unicorn ignored him.
Simbul abruptly pointed at Marv.
“Oh! Wait! Important question!” she blurted out.
Marv looked toward her.
“Proceed.”
The fairy straightened in the air, suddenly looking oddly professional again, and cleared her voice.
“Do you intend to specialize in a protective role? Maybe utilizing provocation through verbal communication?” she asked.
The shift in conversation hit everyone so hard it took several seconds to process.
“…What?” Aaron asked.
Marv answered immediately.
“Obviously,” he answered.
“That makes sense! High base stats, defensive body type, charisma aggression mechanics…” she said, nodding rapidly.
Matt blinked.
“Hold on. Charisma aggression mechanics?” he asked.
Marv’s expression somehow became smugger.
“Verbal provocation is an established tactical discipline.”
Aaron stared at Marv like he had just grown another head.
“So, the horse plans to insult monsters professionally?” he asked.
“Unicorn,” Marv corrected. “And yes.”
Simbul clapped excitedly.
“Oh! That’s SUCH a strong early build!” she squealed in glee.
“Aye, I have already begun practicing.” Marv said, inclining his head.
Matt folded his arms suspiciously.
“You’ve been sapient for like twenty minutes.”
“Yes, and?”
“And you already developed combat insults?”
“My dear sir,” Marv said smoothly, “as I have stated before, you appear to survive primarily through volume, recklessness, and statistical defiance. Clearly the bar for tactical specialization is not especially high.”
Matt stared blankly for a moment then pointed slowly.
“Okay then…” he said.
Simbul suddenly froze in midair, causing her to dip slightly before her wings started buzzing again.
“Oh right,” she said and she sat her her notebook on a nearby table. “We got distracted!”
Everyone looked at her.
“You all still have loot boxes to open, sillies!” she admonished.
Matt looked at her, then at the talking unicorn, and then at me.
“In our defense, the horse formed a magical court and acquired a maiden,” he pointed out.
“UNICORN!”