SHAN
“What the hell…”
I didn’t know how long I was staring at the bills in front of me with an exasperating look on my face.
Did I just…
get fucking paid for last night?
“Damn, are you serious bro?!” My friends laughed their asses off when I told them about what happened.
I just said the woman I slept with left me so early in the morning.
She didn’t just leave breakfast…
She also paid me.
“I am seriously offended and mad right now.” I told them while smoking.
We were out on the patio of Arman’s house, hanging out.
I can’t explain the anger I was feeling.
If I saw that woman again…
Hell would break loose.
“It’s the first time that happened to you.” Ericka couldn’t breathe from laughing at what I said.
She was right.
This was the first time…
and it was with Kierra Ynares.
“What’s her name?
Do you remember?” Helen was laughing, too.
None of them have moved on from the story I shared earlier yet.
I pursed my lips and shook my head, refusing to say her name.
“I don’t remember.” I told them.
I didn’t want them to know that it was Kierra.
The woman they were asking me to look for so we could fish for some information about Yanna.
It just…
felt wrong.
But damn, that made her unforgettable.
Good thing we never saw each other again until the start of classes.
I got too occupied with my overwhelming workload and readings.
Honestly, I did not expect it to be this hard, but I was there already, so I needed to work harder.
I chose this for myself.
Sleepless nights going from class to work.
I would finish my readings in the middle of working.
I just can’t leave the coffee shop for too long.
I wanted to be responsible there.
Let me at least be responsible for that.
I lessened partying, and that lessened fucking, too.
Hiro couldn’t believe that I went two weeks not having any action with anyone.
“Bro, it’s really hard.
I fucking swear…
As much as I want to go out there and continue my old lifestyle, I don’t have the time.”
[You chose that, Shan.
Deal with it.] He even laughed at my suffering.
[Who knows?
Maybe it’s law school that will change you.]
“I’m not someone that needs some changing.” I said, shaking my head.
“I know what I’m doing.”
[It’s nice to self-reflect sometimes.] He smiled at me through the video call.
[So what happened to the bills?
Did you keep them?]
“Of course!
Where will I spend them on?!” I was getting heated again, remembering the moment I laid my eyes on the side table and saw the money.
“I’ll find her again and return the money she gave me!”
[Are you still talking to your dad?] He asked after a long peaceful silence.
I shook my head.
“Barely.” I didn’t want any business with that old man as much as possible.
When I pick up Elyse I don’t get out of the car.
I always refused to have dinner with them, although Tita Erin tried again and again.
She should already know that there was no way I’d sit at the same table with Alfred.
Whenever I needed something, I would only ask Kuya Roel, and Kuya Roel will tell Tita Erin.
Then, Tita Erin will tell Alfred.
I wondered if they were already getting tired of that cycle.
My message is going through so much.
“I don’t see the need to talk to that man.” I said, treating him like a stranger.
He wasn’t family to me anymore.
“Except if it’s about Elyse.”
Elyse mattered to me the most.
It was my mom at first, but Elyse became the most important woman to me when I lost her.
I wanted her to live a happy and peaceful life, even if that meant she would believe the false image Alfred was giving her.
As long as he was treating her right…
I wouldn’t take that away from her.
I don’t know, maybe it was wrong not to tell her…
but Tita Erin never did, too, and she knew what would be best for her daughter.
The next weekend, Lyle planned a party that I could never miss because it was his birthday, so I tried to free my schedule.
It all felt new to me…
stepping inside the club and inhaling the smell of alcohol, sweat, and smoke.
“What about it Shan?
No readings?” Ericka’s teasing, because that’s what I always say whenever they invite me out.
I just laughed and shook my head before pouring whiskey into my glass.
I leaned back and placed my hand on the armrest of the couch.
Beside me were Ericka and Helen.
The guys were all having fun dancing.
When I looked around, I met a familiar pair of eyes.
I raised a brow in shock before my lips formed a playful smile.
So, we met again.
I suddenly remembered what she tasted like.
Cherries.
I unconsciously played with my lower lip and looked away, stopping myself from smirking.
When I looked again, she was already on her way to the restroom.
“I’ll just get more drinks.” I told Neil before standing up and walking towards her direction.
“You did not have to pay me for my service that night.” I finally said what was on my mind.
Wasn’t I…
mad before?
I should be mad, but having her in front of me now was like all anger vanished from my body.
“What?” I asked for her hand so I could place the money she had paid me into it.
She looked so confused.
“Truth be told, I was offended.” I let out a sarcastic laugh.
“But you cooked me breakfast, so I’ll let that slide…
Although I originally planned to take you out on a breakfast date that morning.”
“Stop lying to my face, playboy.” She rolled her eyes.
And that was when I realized that she could read through me, too.
It wasn’t just me.
We had this…
connection.
I couldn’t explain what it was but it scared me…
To feel this connection with anyone.
It scared me to get closer, but the more I tried to stop it, the more I found myself deeper into that person’s thoughts.
I made out with another girl just outside the club.
We were planning to go to her condo, but I met her eyes again.
Why the hell was she watching?
“I’m sorry.
I think I have to go.” I told the woman.
I even walked her back to the club so I wouldn’t just leave her abruptly.
I had her hopes up so I apologized again.
Before I could think, I was walking towards her direction again.
“You didn’t have to watch.
It just made it awkward for me.
Tsk…” I sighed.
“Do what you want.
I don’t care about you.” And she meant it.
I knew she did because she didn’t even bother glancing at me while saying that.
I know she really doesn’t care about me…
but there was this part of me that wanted to feel her care.
It was fucking crazy.
When she walked away with another guy, I didn’t even wonder who that was.
I just laughed at myself with all the thoughts going through my mind.
I was going crazy, maybe because I couldn’t get action these past few weeks.
It could be anyone else, not her.
“Right..” I whispered.
“Connection?
That’s fucking bullshit…”
KIERRA
“Bullshit.
I don’t believe a thing he said!”
I kept on convincing myself in the mirror, but here I was, already completely dressed to go on a date.
I had time to think about it over the Undas break.
That was over, and here I was.
I made a decision… only because I wanted to know more about him.
For some reason, I knew he had secrets, too.
Both of us didn’t want to cross our boundaries.
I was just wearing an oversized sweater and a pair of shorts.
I partnered it with my ankle boots and a crossbody bag.
I slowly walked out of the condo so Luna wouldn’t ask any questions anymore, but she still caught me.
“The mall.” I said to her.
She looked at what I was wearing and slowly nodded before returning her gaze to the screen.
I got nervous.
I thought she was going to say something else, but it seemed like she wasn’t, so I started walking outside again.
“Are you sure you can handle it now?”
I stopped walking when I heard her question.
I turned to look at her, and her face was serious.
“It’s not serious.” I said to her.
“It’s just… a distraction.” I defended myself.
“Hmm…” She nodded again and looked away.
“Okay.
Call me if there’s a problem.
Are you going to drive?
Can you ride a taxi now?”
I took a deep breath and raised my car keys.
“I can drive now.” I said to her.
“Alright… Be careful.” She said seriously.
I knew what she wanted to say.
I just nodded at her and walked outside.
I took a deep breath before driving to the mall.
It wasn’t that far from here, so I got there quickly as well.
Surprisingly, Shan arrived there before I did.
We met in an Italian restaurant.
It looked expensive.
Good thing I brought money.
“Am I late?” I asked as I sat down across from him.
He was just staring outside while waiting.
He was wearing a simple oversized navy blue shirt tucked inside his cream pants.
He looked like he also prepared for this.
“No, I’m just early.” He gave me a smile as he handed me the menu.
“What do you want to eat?
Their alfredo tastes good.”
“Whatever tastes good.
It’s my first time eating here.” I said to him while looking around.
He raised his hand and ordered from the waiter.
The waiter was glancing at me over and over while jotting things down on his little notepad.
“Can I please add a dessert?
Serve it later.” Ciandrei suddenly caught his attention.
He couldn’t look at me anymore now and even hurriedly left.
I looked at Ciandrei when he suddenly spoke.
“Can I ask a personal question?” He asked while we were waiting for our order.
I nodded at him.
“Are you still having those nightmares?”
My body froze when I heard the question.
It felt like my throat had gone dry as I thought of an answer.
I cleared my throat before looking away.
“Not last night.
The other day, yes.
And all the other days.”
I kept looking outside, watching the people walk by.
I couldn’t look at him while he was asking.
I didn’t want him to read my mind.
“Don’t ask anymore.” I said.
I didn’t come here for us to talk about that.
He nodded and gave me a small smile that did not show his teeth, and that was how he backed out from asking any more questions about my nightmares.
We were one foot away from crossing our boundaries.
We could only talk about things to this extent.
Both of us were careful not to cross it and not to let the other cross it.
We were like playing a game.
If I let him cross it first, then that meant losing.
“How about you?
What happened the night you ditched me?” I tried my luck this time since he was the one who tried to cross our boundaries.
I wondered if I could go near that line now.
But the food was served in front of us, and it was like he forgot the question I asked, or he was acting as if he hadn’t heard it.
He just continued mixing his pasta while I waited for him to answer my question.
When I thought he wasn’t going to answer anymore, he suddenly spoke.
“I don’t have a good relationship with my dad.
We fight a lot.”
But arguing with family was normal to me.
Sometimes, Mommy and I or Daddy and I argued too, but we’d make up afterward as if nothing had happened.
Maybe they argued that day too… but why didn’t he just tell me when I asked?
“And that’s why… you couldn’t come?”
Then why did he have someone to hug?
What was that?
Wasn’t that his emergency?
“Actually, I saw you.
You were with a woman, so I didn’t bother you.”
“A woman?” He asked in confusion as he thought about it.
“That night?”
“Yes, you were hugging each other.” I said before I could even think.
I almost choked when I realized I had actually said that.
He might think I’m jealous!
“Oh… But I was with two women that night.
I was with my friends.
My best friend called them to check on me.” He scratched the back of his head.
“So was that why you were so mad at me?” He laughed when he finally understood.
“No.
Let’s not forget that you stood me up.” I was angry because he stood me up.
That was all.
“I hate getting ditched.
I don’t like my time being wasted.”
“My bad.” He said.
“I told you, I’m going to make it up to you.”
And his idea of making it up to me was to take me out on a date.
I did not complain since I had the chance to ask him some questions, like why he chose to go to law school… and why he started a coffee shop.
His answers were the same.
It was challenging.
That was it.
“I wish making decisions were that easy, right?
Your rationale is so simple.” I said to him.
“I wish I was free to make that kind of decision for myself… like doing things just because they are challenging.”
“Or maybe I just don’t want to elaborate because I’ll end up telling my life story.” He pointed out while eating.
“And you don’t want to tell your life story?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Do you mind telling yours?”
I shook my head.
“I’m not ready to talk about it.” And I didn’t know when I would be ready to tell him.
I hadn’t told anyone the whole story except my doctor.
I didn’t tell Mommy.
I didn’t tell Luna… because it hurt me to try to remember.
My brain was trying its best to forget about what happened that night… but a small part of it refused to… and it continuously reminded me through my dreams.
“You don’t have to tell me.” He said.
We just ate quietly until the dessert was served.
He asked me about school, so I asked him back.
Those were the only small talks allowed in the conversation.
We were careful.
We didn’t want to ruin the mood again.
After eating, we walked around and visited some stores.
I saw some clothes I liked in my favorite clothing shop, so we went inside and I looked for my size.
He was following me and also looking at some clothes.
I thought they were for someone else, but he suddenly held them up against me while holding the hanger to see if they suited me.
“That will look good on you.” He said when I held up the clothes I liked.
“You should try it with this pair of pants.” He also pointed to the one on the other rack.
“Okay, fashion icon.” I remarked as I walked over there.
“This one, too.” Before I knew it, he had put a hat on me.
He even picked up a jacket and draped it over my shoulders.
He also hung a bag on me, and even held accessories up to my ears to see if they suited me.
I was like a mannequin there that couldn’t move anymore because all the things he piled onto me would fall.
“This one, with this one…”
“Those go inside the bag, not on my body.” I complained as I raised the shopping bag I was holding.
I heard him laugh before removing everything he had put on me one by one.
He also carried the shopping bag while I walked around looking for clothes.
“You sure know a lot about clothes.”
“I have a sister.
She’s so crazy about clothes.” He said to me.
“And I will always shop with her.
She just makes me carry the paper bags.”
“Elyse, right?” When I turned to look at him, he looked surprised that I knew.
“Oh, she’s an acquaintance of my friend.
She’s also always at UST.”
“Huh?
What?” He asked in confusion, looking like he didn’t know about Sevi.
I bit my lower lip and looked away.
Okay, I won’t say anything anymore!
After I bought my things, I told him I’d carry the shopping bags myself because there weren’t many anyway.
Besides, I wanted the feel of it… carrying paper bags.
“Sevi?” I couldn’t believe it.
Was that really him?
As we got closer and closer, I saw that Elyse was with him.
My gaze went back and forth between them and Ciandrei.
“Oh, no…” They were going to see each other!
I immediately took out my phone and excused myself to Ciandrei, saying I just had to make a call.
I walked away from him and called Sevi.
I breathed a sigh of relief when Sevi walked away to answer my call.
[“Oh, what?
Did something happen?
Are you okay?”] He immediately asked as soon as he answered the call.
“H-Huh?
It’s nothing!” I didn’t know what to say.
I saw that Elyse was already talking to her brother.
They both looked confused about why the other was there since it was far from where they lived.
“Where are you?”
[“Huh?
I’m at the mall.
Why?
Are you sure nothing happened?”] His tone was still worried.
“Nothing, Luna was just asking if you’re going to eat at the condo!” I made up an excuse.
“But it looks like you can’t… Bye!”
I immediately ended the call when I saw Elyse wave goodbye.
Ciandrei looked around until he saw me hiding behind the post.
He walked toward me, looking confused.
“Are you hiding from me?” He asked in confusion.
“Are we playing a game that I’m not aware of?” He even looked around him.
“No!
I just made a call, and… you were talking to Elyse!” I said to him.
He almost got caught!
It seemed like Ciandrei didn’t know about the two of them.
Don’t worry, Sevi!
I’ll keep this a secret for you!
Do your best!
He looked weirded out, but he eventually forgot about it.
“Come on, let’s go somewhere else!” I invited him so we wouldn’t run into the two of them anymore.
Good thing he agreed.
I just followed his car until we arrived at High Street.
It was already getting dark, so the street lamps were already on.
I was just sitting on a bench by the side while Ciandrei bought ice cream.
He liked ice cream so much.
He had always been eating it.
The sky had a beautiful color.
I couldn’t stop staring at it.
It felt so calming.
“So… How was it?” He suddenly asked as he sat beside me.
“The date.”
I laughed at him and shrugged.
“It was okay… I had a good time, but don’t trust me on this.
I didn’t go on dates a lot.”
“I thought you had a boyfriend before?” He frowned.
My lips formed into a small smile while looking up at the sky.
He was staring at me from the side.
“We didn’t go on dates.” I said to him.
Our dates weren’t dates.
They were… nightmares.
We always ended up fighting because he couldn’t get what he wanted… and it was over small things, too.
Like not getting the flavor he wanted, or the waiter getting his order wrong… or me, not walking fast enough to catch up with him… or me, offering to pay for the meal.
It hurt his ego and pride… so he hurt me for it.
He said I was disrespecting him.
That I was looking down on him.
For offering to pay.
Even for things that weren’t my fault in the first place.
Or bigger things like… hanging out with my friends.
Hanging out with Arkin… or Sevi.
To him, those were cheating… or things like saying no to a plan because I had already made plans with my girls.
I wanted to go with Luna and Via whenever they went out to eat after class.
I really wanted to… but makeup wasn’t enough to cover the bruises anymore.
I didn’t want Miguel to get mad.
I didn’t want him to get upset… because he would hurt me again.
The relationship that started with love turned into fear.
I feared for myself… but I didn’t know how to get out of it.
I parted my lips when he suddenly handed me a handkerchief.
I was about to ask why, but he pointed at my face.
“You’re crying.” He said… and didn’t ask anymore.
I took it from his hand and wiped my tears.
I didn’t even know I was crying.
Remembering was painful… so painful that the tears automatically ran down my face even without me knowing.
“I’m going to buy a book.” He offered his hand.
I was glad he didn’t ask anymore, but he still looked worried.
I went with him to the nearby bookstore.
He was trying to find a specific law book, so I followed him around.
A book about healing caught my attention, so I turned my back on him and picked the book up.
I opened it to see what it had inside.
I turned to Ciandrei to tell him about the book.
“I think I should-”
“Shan!
Wow, I didn’t know I would see you here, bro…”
The book fell from my hand and loudly hit the floor when I heard a voice.
My hands remained in the air as if I were still holding something.
I froze… then I started trembling.
I started breathing loudly.
My chest was heaving.
I felt dizzy as I reached for my chest, hoping it would ease the tightness I felt there.
I tried to hold onto the bookshelf, but all the other books fell to the floor.
When some people looked at me, my knees felt weak as I tried to catch my breath.
“Miguel…” Shan called his name.
With horror in my eyes, I slowly turned around just to confirm that it was him.
I gasped and felt like I was choking on the air.
I gathered all the strength I had to run.
I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore and just stopped in the middle of the crowd.
I kept looking around to see if he had followed me… or if he had seen me, but people were starting to become blurry.
The world was spinning.
All I could do was take out my phone and call Luna.
In just one ring, she answered the phone.
[“What happened?
Where are you?”]
When I heard her voice, I sat on the grass and just started crying.
[“Kierra!
Where are you?!”]
“Help me… Please…” I repeated over and over again.
I cried more and more as the seconds passed by.
People were starting to look at me.
I covered my face and held the phone tightly.
“Help… Please, Luna… Help… Please… I can’t… I can’t…” I couldn’t finish my sentence.
[“Okay, I have your location.
Stay there.
I’m on my way, Ke…”]
I heard her voice break.
She was tearing up, too.
[“I’m on my way, okay?
Okay?
Don’t hang up…”]
I sobbed on the call, unable to let go of the phone while crying.
I was scared.
I hugged my knees and waited.
I hugged my knees tightly and hid my face there.
My body was trembling.
I didn’t want anyone to touch me.
[“Sam is closer.
I already called her.
She’s just there…”]
I couldn’t understand what she was saying anymore.
I could hear my crying more than anything else.
I couldn’t breathe anymore.
My crying started sounding like I was trying to catch my breath.
My sobs were trembling too.
“Kierra!”
I looked up and followed the direction of Sam’s voice.
She was running.
We almost fell to the ground when she suddenly wrapped her arms around me and buried my face against her chest, almost crying too.
“I’m here.
You’re safe.
You’re safe…” She whispered while I cried harder than I had earlier.